CHAPTER 7.
STEPPING IT UP.
"You can"t be confident when you comfort zone. Confidence is built by pushing way beyond what you think you can do."
-BRYAN PULSIFER.
Once the show ended there wouldn"t be too much time to reflect, because just as quickly as the first phase of Idol Idol was over, the next year of my life was instantly mapped out before my eyes. There would be no return to normalcy, only more craziness that would continue to totally blow me away. From the moment was over, the next year of my life was instantly mapped out before my eyes. There would be no return to normalcy, only more craziness that would continue to totally blow me away. From the moment Idol Idol ended it felt like someone had hit the fast forward b.u.t.ton on my life, and it became clear that it wasn"t going to slow down anytime soon. All I could do was brace myself and count my blessings. ended it felt like someone had hit the fast forward b.u.t.ton on my life, and it became clear that it wasn"t going to slow down anytime soon. All I could do was brace myself and count my blessings.
Soon after the season wrapped, David Cook and I flew to New York to do a week of press. The whole media thing also took some getting used to. As I"ve never been much of a talker, speaking comfortably in front of cameras and doing interviews was a whole new world of nerves that I had to face. It seems to come naturally to so many performers, but unfortunately, I"ve never been one of them. I had to work very hard to feel ready for the constant and often repet.i.tive questions from the press world, facing each interviewer confidently every time. Idol Idol itself was a great training ground as we had several interviews each week and slowly but surely it did get easier. We went to the itself was a great training ground as we had several interviews each week and slowly but surely it did get easier. We went to the Today Today show where we were both able to perform out on the Plaza. We also visited with MTV, did several press events, and had some great food! I really enjoy New York and being able to walk out of your hotel to find a great restaurant on almost every block: Thai food, Italian food, amazing delis, and always some new and interesting restaurant to discover. Plus I just love the energy and fast pace of New York. show where we were both able to perform out on the Plaza. We also visited with MTV, did several press events, and had some great food! I really enjoy New York and being able to walk out of your hotel to find a great restaurant on almost every block: Thai food, Italian food, amazing delis, and always some new and interesting restaurant to discover. Plus I just love the energy and fast pace of New York.
After the media blitz in New York, I only had one week off before having to go back to Hollywood to prepare for the Idol Idol Summer Tour. I went to Lake Powell with my friends for a few days, which at first I didn"t even want to do. I really thought I wanted to just be with my family for the week, but I realized it would be great for me to have an actual vacation where I got away completely and had time to just relax and enjoy one of the most beautiful places on earth. There were so many things brewing that I was afraid I couldn"t afford to rest; I was on a serious roll. But my parents insisted. "You need to go. You need a break." The fact is, they couldn"t have been more right. I Summer Tour. I went to Lake Powell with my friends for a few days, which at first I didn"t even want to do. I really thought I wanted to just be with my family for the week, but I realized it would be great for me to have an actual vacation where I got away completely and had time to just relax and enjoy one of the most beautiful places on earth. There were so many things brewing that I was afraid I couldn"t afford to rest; I was on a serious roll. But my parents insisted. "You need to go. You need a break." The fact is, they couldn"t have been more right. I did did need a break, even just a short one, to think about what was going on and try to take it all in. Intellectually I knew that a relaxing week would be the best thing that could happen to me after the madness of the previous six months-and in the end I have to admit it was nice to get away from all the craziness-but it was also stressful because I felt the pressure of having an alb.u.m to record. Even though I was technically on vacation, I not only had to work on some stuff for the tour, but also for my own alb.u.m. need a break, even just a short one, to think about what was going on and try to take it all in. Intellectually I knew that a relaxing week would be the best thing that could happen to me after the madness of the previous six months-and in the end I have to admit it was nice to get away from all the craziness-but it was also stressful because I felt the pressure of having an alb.u.m to record. Even though I was technically on vacation, I not only had to work on some stuff for the tour, but also for my own alb.u.m.
TOP 3 INTERVIEWS One of the funniest interview moments for me was during American Idol American Idol when someone asked me a question and I answered it, but for some reason everyone thought that I was going to keep on talking-only I was done talking. There was this awkward pause, and I looked at the interviewer, and everyone looked at me, and no one seemed to know what was happening for a moment. when someone asked me a question and I answered it, but for some reason everyone thought that I was going to keep on talking-only I was done talking. There was this awkward pause, and I looked at the interviewer, and everyone looked at me, and no one seemed to know what was happening for a moment. During the Jingle Bash radio show on B96 in Chicago, there was this funny DJ who kept asking me about my dating life and my love interests. She was so eager to get me talking, so I totally turned it around on her and started asking her about her her dating life. It was hilarious. dating life. It was hilarious. Another amazing interview was on Z100 in New York when they debuted my first-ever single, "Crush." It was finally my chance to present my first song to the world, and I was so nervous and excited. It was such an amazing feeling to be able to do that. I was all tingles for that entire interview.
And I wasn"t only going to record songs, but I was also going to be able to write them myself. During my vocal paralysis period, my dad strongly encouraged me to work on my songwriting and piano abilities, which was what the record execs had advised me to do. I did write three songs during that period, but I always felt I wasn"t very good at songwriting because it took me a long time to write each song, sometimes almost a year before I felt it was complete. It would turn out to be a good exercise though, because now I would have the opportunity to write with some world-cla.s.s writers and at least I had already been through the process before. I knew it was finally time to start working on the next phase of my musical evolution, and writing for my own alb.u.m was that logical next step. The label was pushing it, and honestly, despite my fears, I was also feeling ready to give it a go. The truth is that I always wanted to write my own music; I just never thought I was good enough, but now I had an opportunity to try it again. I felt the next chapter coming toward me like a ma.s.sive s...o...b..ll that seemed to be traveling at a wild speed, gaining momentum and size with every moment that pa.s.sed. I wasn"t prepared for any of it, and I definitely didn"t have a vision. Things were being thrown so fast in my direction that I simply had to find a way to deal with everything on the spot. It was kind of like learning in real time.
. . . it felt like someone had hit the fast forward b.u.t.ton on my life . . .
After years of telling myself that I wasn"t ready, I was forced to be ready. I was forced to step up and accept the full responsibility that would come with this next phase of my musical "career." So while I was on vacation, I knew that no matter how much I wanted or expected things to wind down, there was no chance of that happening, at least not anytime soon. There was a national three-month arena tour coming up that summer with the other top ten finalists. We were set to start rehearsing for that tour almost immediately after that brief week in Lake Powell. I had only a day or two at home, and then I was back with the other Top 10 Idols to get ready for the first show already slated for July 1. Then there was my solo alb.u.m coming out in November, and a solo tour to promote it. These were things I a.s.sociated with real stars. Not only was it impossible to imagine myself in that context, but I also realized it was going to be a huge challenge as to how to combine being a regular teenager with this new schedule and crazy agenda. There was absolutely nothing regular about anything that was happening.
I didn"t quite understand how I could actually have arrived at this point until I started to see that every moment of my life had built on the previous one, creating this really cool chain link of experiences. I began to see the pattern of events as connected to everything that was happening in the present, which made me look to the future with even more excitement. It was scary; but at the same time I knew that I had finally gotten to a place that validated all my stops along the way. I was able to look back and see how every performance of my life-big or small-was a piece of the puzzle whose picture would be revealed one day in the form of my future. Despite all of my doubts and fears, I could now embrace that it was all well worth it, that G.o.d did have a plan for me, and that I did the right thing by trusting in Him. I would try to make sense of everything by always reminding myself that all of this was happening because I was following those impressions that I received from the Spirit along the way.
Once we got back to California to rehea.r.s.e, I was very happy to know that we were going to be able to pick our own songs to perform on tour. We were also finally able to sing the full versions of the songs, and we were pretty much going to each do our own mini-concert. I was able to choose four songs for my set, so I thought it would be good to have a variety of songs both from the show as well as one that I hadn"t performed before but had always wanted to. I brainstormed with my dad and we worked out some ideas for the arrangements and I decided to go ahead and play the piano on one of the songs. I decided to start off my set with "Angels," complete with fog machines as the piano and I would rise from the ground as the music began. I then performed "Apologize," which was one of my favorite moments on the show when I sang it with Ryan Tedder and One Republic, then "Stand by Me," which is just one of the greatest happiest songs ever. My set ended with "When You Say You Love Me," which is a song I was going to sing back in my Star Search Star Search days but never actually performed anywhere. It is also a song that has just so much feeling and emotion and very meaningful lyrics, so I thought it would be a great way to end my set, and let my fans and all my supporters know how they make me feel. days but never actually performed anywhere. It is also a song that has just so much feeling and emotion and very meaningful lyrics, so I thought it would be a great way to end my set, and let my fans and all my supporters know how they make me feel.
We rehea.r.s.ed for the summer tour in Burbank at a large sound studio. The people running the show brought in the actual set so we could practice the way the show was actually going to happen. We only had four rehearsals each, but it turned out to be enough and the whole thing worked out perfectly. I felt ready, although a little nervous, but I couldn"t wait to get out on the road. This tour would take us not only to U.S. cities but we were also going to make a stop in Canada, which was super-exciting because I had never been there before. The chance to travel and see new places was a perfect (and totally unexpected) cherry on top of everything else that was happening. I thought it was pretty cool to have been to New York, Los Angeles and Chicago as a kid, but now I was getting the chance to see the whole country-while I was singing the whole time! There would be two shows in Utah, so I would get to sing for my beloved home state that had been so supportive of me.
For the three months on tour, we lived like nomads, but we did stay in some really nice hotels. Even though I was only seventeen, I think I adjusted pretty well. I had moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I was used to changing environments. We lived in eight different houses when I was growing up, and now I was going to be able to live on a bus with my Idol Idol family, the new tour crew and of course, my dad. family, the new tour crew and of course, my dad.
This is me on tour feeling a whole lot better about myself as a singer.
There were so many incredible things about the tour, starting with the fact that we were no longer in compet.i.tion with one another. We could just let loose, have fun, and for the first time in months, sing totally without fear totally without fear. We had already spent so much time bonding during the show that this felt like a perfect vacation with the closest of friends, a chance to enjoy the closeness and collaboration we had created while on the show. I spent a lot of my time with Jason Castro and Kristy Lee Cook, but I also liked to go off on my own sightseeing adventures on those rare occasions when I"d have a few moments to myself.
TOP 3 TOURING MOMENTS Performing in my hometown of Utah for the first time was amazing. In fact, I read that Utah crowds were known for being extra-spirited. That makes me proud. I remember being so emotional when we arrived in Utah on the American Idol American Idol tour. I sang "When You Say You Love Me," and it was so nice to get that special feeling of appreciation right at home. tour. I sang "When You Say You Love Me," and it was so nice to get that special feeling of appreciation right at home. Something else that always strikes me when I"m on tour is meeting some of the people who come out to see me. I"m amazed when I meet these little kids who are so sweet and honest and will tell you their whole life story if you let them. Especially people who are going through a hard time. It always feels great to know that you"re making other people feel better. I have to say that my best moments are not always onstage, but often offstage after the shows when we get to meet some of the fans. I also really loved my show in the Philippines, not just because it was such a ma.s.sive show with more than eighty thousand people, but because of the people! It was nothing like anything I could have ever expected. First of all, I never imagined the Filipino people were going to be so fanatical, genuinely supportive and react to me the way they did-I didn"t think they would even know who I was, but instead they treated us like royalty. How could they support me from so many miles away? It was mind-blowing and an unforgettable experience!
Since we were usually on the bus, it was nice to have a morning when I could get out and walk around a bit, maybe get something to eat, and just take in the new environment like a tourist. It was refreshing to have this time, even though once in a while people would stop me on the street for an autograph, or to take a picture with them. I didn"t mind; by now I knew it was all part of the deal.
There were so many incredible things about the tour I"ll always remember being in Portland, Oregon, for the first time and walking around with Jason, taking in the vibe of the city, which I loved from the moment we arrived. We visited bookstores and just wandered around, loving the chance to be in this really cool new place. I also remember being in Pittsburgh and going running one morning and kayaking that same afternoon, which was so much fun and totally spontaneous. I had never been to Northern California either, which was so cool to finally see.
On many of the stops, though, we didn"t get to even see the city we were in; the only place we"d visit was the arena where we"d be performing, because we needed time to sound check, rehea.r.s.e and make sure that everything was running smoothly. The tour was like being in a routine that was different from American Idol. American Idol. On the show so much was always being thrown at you at once, but on the tour things felt slightly less hectic. On the show so much was always being thrown at you at once, but on the tour things felt slightly less hectic.
Our main agenda was to perform, sign autographs and maybe do some press along the way. In a way, it was actually really relaxing. For me, the tour also represented everything about Idol Idol that I loved so much: It brought together diverse talents to show the beauty of music, and without the element of a contest, so the experience (for us as well as the fans) was totally pure. On tour, I had the chance to learn some critical concepts, such as the importance of pacing myself, of interacting with fans, and I even had to learn the art of signing autographs. I actually changed my signature a few times until I found one that I could do fairly quickly, but still have it look like my name. The tour gave me a first taste of what life would be like as a professional singer. It taught me about the strength of discipline required to get from one day to the next and about the critical need to stay on course. Even better, being onstage so often continued to chip away at my confidence issues, giving me a chance to get comfortable with all the new attention. I was freer, more joyful, less nervous and generally more at ease with the idea of being in the spotlight. I was really starting to enjoy it. I was finally starting to let go and enjoy the act of performance just as much as I enjoyed singing. The that I loved so much: It brought together diverse talents to show the beauty of music, and without the element of a contest, so the experience (for us as well as the fans) was totally pure. On tour, I had the chance to learn some critical concepts, such as the importance of pacing myself, of interacting with fans, and I even had to learn the art of signing autographs. I actually changed my signature a few times until I found one that I could do fairly quickly, but still have it look like my name. The tour gave me a first taste of what life would be like as a professional singer. It taught me about the strength of discipline required to get from one day to the next and about the critical need to stay on course. Even better, being onstage so often continued to chip away at my confidence issues, giving me a chance to get comfortable with all the new attention. I was freer, more joyful, less nervous and generally more at ease with the idea of being in the spotlight. I was really starting to enjoy it. I was finally starting to let go and enjoy the act of performance just as much as I enjoyed singing. The Idol Idol tour was an absolute gift that ultimately prepared me for my upcoming solo tour by giving me a chance to loosen up as an entertainer. Being surrounded by my tour was an absolute gift that ultimately prepared me for my upcoming solo tour by giving me a chance to loosen up as an entertainer. Being surrounded by my Idol Idol family made the whole thing feel entirely safe and comfortable, which I think made me stronger as an artist and helped to get me ready for everything that would come next. family made the whole thing feel entirely safe and comfortable, which I think made me stronger as an artist and helped to get me ready for everything that would come next.
I was freer, more joyful, less nervous There didn"t seem to be enough days in the calendar for all of the tasks ahead of me. I had signed with 19-E/Jive in June and they wanted an alb.u.m out fast. I couldn"t imagine how we could start production on an alb.u.m that didn"t even have a concept yet! I couldn"t imagine how we could start production on an alb.u.m that didn"t even have a concept yet!
While I had lots of experience as a singer by now, I was still clueless as to what it would take to produce a record. I had always imagined that an alb.u.m was the kind of thing you really take your time with, something you sit with and think about, with the sole purpose of letting yourself get inspired gradually and organically. I pictured a total creative immersion that would leave little time for anything else. I imagined I would get the chance to really explore the kind of music I wanted to put out, with enough time to create something truly unique that would reflect my taste and musical point of view.
Surprise-my first alb.u.m would come about under entirely different circ.u.mstances. They wanted it out by November, so production needed to start right away. This meant writing, rehearsing and recording a good part of the alb.u.m while while I was on the I was on the American Idol American Idol tour. Deliberation was out and fast decisions were in. I didn"t know the first thing about making a record, so the notion of making it happen while performing on tour seemed completely crazy (and borderline impossible) to me. Where would the inspiration come from? How would I know what kinds of songs to write? How could I know that those songs would be right for me? When would the rehearsing happen? Would I not be totally beat from the tour? How could I produce quality music in such a state of exhaustion? Every morning on the tour would bring on a bunch of new questions that would simmer in the back of my mind while I sat on the tour bus heading to our next gig. How would I know if I was doing everything right? How was I supposed to find and hire a team of professional music people? We didn"t really have one yet. That"s where my dad proved to be a big help while we were on tour. He was able to help with the recording process, kicking ideas around for songs and also helped with the difficult task of putting together our professional support team. We also had to schedule in meetings-while we were on tour-with potential attorneys, publishers, management companies, business managers, and all the other components that an artist needs in order to roll out a successful career. tour. Deliberation was out and fast decisions were in. I didn"t know the first thing about making a record, so the notion of making it happen while performing on tour seemed completely crazy (and borderline impossible) to me. Where would the inspiration come from? How would I know what kinds of songs to write? How could I know that those songs would be right for me? When would the rehearsing happen? Would I not be totally beat from the tour? How could I produce quality music in such a state of exhaustion? Every morning on the tour would bring on a bunch of new questions that would simmer in the back of my mind while I sat on the tour bus heading to our next gig. How would I know if I was doing everything right? How was I supposed to find and hire a team of professional music people? We didn"t really have one yet. That"s where my dad proved to be a big help while we were on tour. He was able to help with the recording process, kicking ideas around for songs and also helped with the difficult task of putting together our professional support team. We also had to schedule in meetings-while we were on tour-with potential attorneys, publishers, management companies, business managers, and all the other components that an artist needs in order to roll out a successful career.
To meet the deadlines for the alb.u.m, I recorded wherever we happened to be-in Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Minnesota, and New York. I would record during the day and perform with the rest of the Idol Idol gang at night. I remember thinking, gang at night. I remember thinking, Be careful what you wish you for, Be careful what you wish you for, because here I was living the life of a professional musician, including the sleepless nights, early mornings, press appearances and a constant pursuit of inspiration and endurance that I could only hope and pray would continue to come. It"s funny how when you stop to look back, you tend to remember the moments of struggle. As I worked on both the tour and the alb.u.m, I was forced to confront the nature of sacrifice, and face the fact that in choosing the path before me, my life, as I knew it, would no longer exist. I would have to give up being a regular eighteen-year-old and throw myself into adulthood, into the worlds of contracts, conference rooms, lawyers and so many other things that I don"t really understand. I would have to get used to losing my privacy and feeling observed even when I didn"t want to be observed. I would have to learn how to smile even when I was sad. I would have to put the brakes on any plans for college; and I would have to commit to staying focused and serious about my new career as a singer/songwriter with little distraction. I would have to be away from my friends and family a lot of the time, and I would have to find a way to keep those important relationships alive. I would basically have to put my normal life on the back burner, which felt (and sometimes still does) like a pretty big deal to me. because here I was living the life of a professional musician, including the sleepless nights, early mornings, press appearances and a constant pursuit of inspiration and endurance that I could only hope and pray would continue to come. It"s funny how when you stop to look back, you tend to remember the moments of struggle. As I worked on both the tour and the alb.u.m, I was forced to confront the nature of sacrifice, and face the fact that in choosing the path before me, my life, as I knew it, would no longer exist. I would have to give up being a regular eighteen-year-old and throw myself into adulthood, into the worlds of contracts, conference rooms, lawyers and so many other things that I don"t really understand. I would have to get used to losing my privacy and feeling observed even when I didn"t want to be observed. I would have to learn how to smile even when I was sad. I would have to put the brakes on any plans for college; and I would have to commit to staying focused and serious about my new career as a singer/songwriter with little distraction. I would have to be away from my friends and family a lot of the time, and I would have to find a way to keep those important relationships alive. I would basically have to put my normal life on the back burner, which felt (and sometimes still does) like a pretty big deal to me.
There was just no time to sit back and think think. It was a challenge, but I was so grateful for the fact that from the moment I woke up to the instant I went to sleep my day revolved around music. All the questions that I had about my future were now less scary to look at, because somehow or another I started to feel that no matter what, music would always be a part of my life. I told myself that the pressure to deliver on the alb.u.m while on tour was maybe the kind of heat that I needed to make it all happen. I chose to see the challenge as motivation, which would come in handy because, as I already mentioned, the next rung on the ladder of progress for me would come in the form of . . . gulp . . . songwriting.
Since I was ten years old, people had been advising me to write songs and it was one of those things I knew I should take seriously. But it always scared the life out of me. It was hard for me at age thirteen or fourteen, and it"s still hard for me now (but getting easier). As connected as I am to music, for some reason I find it grueling to sit down and write melodies and lyrics. Melodies are a bit easier, but lyrics have always been an obstacle for me. Maybe it"s because I am still young and have a lot to learn about music and life, but I have always found it easier to slip into the sentiment of a song as opposed to trying to come up with it myself. I feel comfortable putting myself in other people"s shoes, and uncomfortable when I have to express myself in my own words.
I told myself that since feeling itself has always been my guiding force, I could start with that as a basis for writing, too. Instead of trying to come up with clever words to tell a story, maybe I could focus more on an emotion, and somehow find the words that match the feeling. Maybe I could even use my own frustration as a songwriter and put that that feeling into the song. Who knew? Maybe I could use my excitement to fuel the creative flow. There are so many ways to go about it and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there isn"t just one right way to do it. feeling into the song. Who knew? Maybe I could use my excitement to fuel the creative flow. There are so many ways to go about it and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there isn"t just one right way to do it.
Besides, the record company had its own ideas about what my first solo alb.u.m should be, so whether I liked it or not I had a set of guidelines to work with. I didn"t care so much about what labels I would be filed under; I just wanted to keep on singing. Ultimately, the alb.u.m became a nice compromise between Jive"s ideas and mine; while they were more inclined to a smooth pop sound, I leaned toward something a little bit deeper. But I was there to learn as much as possible, and back then I wasn"t about to argue about any of it. I mostly saw the alb.u.m as a chance to prove to myself that I was someone who could sing way beyond standards and covers. And I wanted to show the world that I was still a teenager and that I had no interest in growing up too fast. The songs on the first alb.u.m would end up being about simple, universal things like first loves and crushes, themes that everyone can relate to.
The energy of the tour and all the amazing people around me also fed into the writing and recording that I was doing. Because there was so much musical energy around me, I felt connected to music in a very immediate way. I was living and breathing it, and the company of such talented singers inspired me every day as I continued to work through the alb.u.m. My first single, "Crush," came out in August on Z100, New York City"s famous radio station, while I was still on tour with American Idol American Idol. It was crazy to think that I had a song, my own song, my own song, on the airwaves. Would people even recognize that it was me? How would they react? How could they possibly like a song that was recorded so fast, and by such a rookie? I was scared that I wouldn"t be taken seriously outside the world of on the airwaves. Would people even recognize that it was me? How would they react? How could they possibly like a song that was recorded so fast, and by such a rookie? I was scared that I wouldn"t be taken seriously outside the world of Idol Idol. I even wondered if my fans would like it because it was a completely new style for me. It felt like such a huge risk.
Despite all my doubts, "Crush" somehow ended up at number two on the Billboard Hot 100. I was totally psyched. To my complete shock, they also said it was the best chart debut in more than eighteen months, and I had a really hard time understanding them fully. We were not even finished with the whole alb.u.m, and the single was already out and to my surprise, it seemed to be doing well! It soon became apparent that this would be the rhythm of my life for a while-fast and furious-and if I wanted to play the game, I would have to accept this madness as part of the rules.
If touring and recording weren"t enough for a newbie like myself, there was also the video for the single to shoot-a whole new challenge for a guy who can barely get a sentence out to a reporter, let alone act. act. I was afraid of becoming the laughingstock of YouTube, and I felt paranoid about the idea of having so many people watch me squirm out of my comfort zone. It was a terrifying but crucial part of the process, especially if we wanted the single to continue to do well. But I was always so uncomfortable in front of the cameras; I just didn"t know how I was going to tackle this new beast. I was afraid of becoming the laughingstock of YouTube, and I felt paranoid about the idea of having so many people watch me squirm out of my comfort zone. It was a terrifying but crucial part of the process, especially if we wanted the single to continue to do well. But I was always so uncomfortable in front of the cameras; I just didn"t know how I was going to tackle this new beast.
We shot the video in Atlanta on one of my days off from the tour. I had a show the day before and another one the day after, so the pressure was on; we had to make sure we got all the shots right. It was a beautiful summer morning, and the plan was to shoot just as the sun was coming up, which of course made for excellent inspiration. I thought: All I have to do is sing like I know how to sing, and try to let loose All I have to do is sing like I know how to sing, and try to let loose.
In the end, it was a lot less stressful than I thought it would be, and way more fun than I ever could have expected. I have family on my mom"s side that lives in Atlanta, so my dad surprised me by having the whole family fly out to see my first video shoot as well as go to a few shows in Atlanta and Tampa. It was so nice to be all together, if only for a few days, and it felt incredibly supportive to have my relatives there while I was working on this latest challenge. It taught me that sometimes the antic.i.p.ation of something is a lot worse than the actual thing itself.
In hindsight, I can see how important the video was in giving my song another dimension, another element for the audience and fans to hold on to, and a chance to watch me perform. I"ve already talked about why I think you should not only listen to a singer but watch as well. The making of the video got me thinking about the interpretation of the song in a more exacting manner, paying more attention to my facial expressions and body language, and bringing in a bit more drama and character to punctuate some of the song"s key moments. It was actually kind of cool.
I was afraid of becoming the laughingstock of YouTube.
What was missing was the one variable that has always fueled my shows: a live audience. Without someone to sing for, I wasn"t sure how I would work up the right energy. After all, it was always the looks in the eyes of the people out in the audience that gave me direction when I sang. It was their appreciation that kept the fire burning for me during each show. How could I do it without them? I literally had to pretend that I was singing for a room full of people to get the song right and in the end it all worked out wonderfully. Though at first I had stressed out about the video, after all was said and done, I not only learned a lot but also had a total blast making it happen.
One thing I find to be kind of tricky is understanding the world of fans. It"s hard to understand how people who have never even met me can realistically like me so much. I mean, how can you get so excited about a person you know virtually nothing about? It was especially odd to hear that someone could actually have a crush on me without knowing who I really was! The whole idea nagged at me a bit. It made me question the nature of stardom, and start thinking about how I wanted people to see me as an artist. I didn"t want to be seen only as a teen heartthrob who catered to crying girls; I wanted to sing for as many people as would listen. But the "fan-omenon," just like everything else, had its pros and cons, and I ultimately made up my mind to stay optimistic about the mania, accepting the positive things about it and simply observing and acknowledging any negativity or weirdness that it might also bring about. Besides, it was something that was completely out of my control, so there was no use trying to fight it!
Here I am posing with a group of super friendly fans.
TOP 3 FAN ENCOUNTERS I"ll always remember the little girl I met through the Make-a-Wish Foundation. She had cancer and said that one of her wishes was to hear me sing. She was also a singer and a cheerleader, just eleven years old, but she couldn"t even open her eyes; she was so weak. I remember she was trying so hard just to smile. It just put everything into perspective for me. I didn"t want to disappoint her. She was beyond a fan. She was a sweet soul who wanted to be comforted by music she loved. She was going through chemotherapy, and she knew music would make her feel better. I have so much respect for that, and was honored to be able to share that moment with her. Three days later she pa.s.sed away, and I always look back at that moment with strong emotion. Some of my best fan encounters are when people actually say something like "Thank you for singing that song; I really felt something when you sang it." That always makes me feel rea.s.sured somehow, and reminds me of why I"m doing this to begin with. One time while I was on the American Idol American Idol tour in Pennsylvania, this girl came up to me after a show and gave me a diverse array of obscure kitchen utensils: an avocado slicer, a cherry pitter, and some other thing for corn, too. I thought, "Well, that"s certainly special." It reminded me of how interesting and dynamic people can be. tour in Pennsylvania, this girl came up to me after a show and gave me a diverse array of obscure kitchen utensils: an avocado slicer, a cherry pitter, and some other thing for corn, too. I thought, "Well, that"s certainly special." It reminded me of how interesting and dynamic people can be.
At every concert, there were many young girls out in the audience, true, but there were also grandparents out on a date; I"d see groups of friends, colleagues and entire families. There were girls, boys, men and women of all ages, which gave me the sense that there really was a universal tone and message to my singing. I was able to finally see that the best thing American Idol American Idol had given me (besides some confidence and a more sharpened sense of self) was a wide audience. Through being on the show, I learned the invaluable lesson that music has nothing to do with the way you look or what your age is. Music transcends those things. With a forum like had given me (besides some confidence and a more sharpened sense of self) was a wide audience. Through being on the show, I learned the invaluable lesson that music has nothing to do with the way you look or what your age is. Music transcends those things. With a forum like Idol Idol each and every one of us was able to show our best as singers, no matter who we were or where we came from. We were finally able to crawl out of the shadows of our own self-criticism and proudly step into the spotlight, where we could begin to share a little piece of our souls with anyone who was listening. each and every one of us was able to show our best as singers, no matter who we were or where we came from. We were finally able to crawl out of the shadows of our own self-criticism and proudly step into the spotlight, where we could begin to share a little piece of our souls with anyone who was listening.
If I thought 2008 was crazy, the even crazier 2009 kicked off with my own solo tour, which was almost totally sold out. In twenty-seven appearances across the country, I had the chance to perform alone onstage, and I had a warm-up act, Leslie Roy, opening for me, which was really strange because I was a big fan of hers and loved her music. Many folks in the audience knew the songs, and even the lyrics, from my alb.u.m. But there were also a lot of people who didn"t know the music and were hearing it live for the first time, which I took as a total compliment. The idea that someone would come to my show without even knowing the music! Now that"s dedication, I thought.
It was really weird for me to accept the reality that I had actual fans. Not just Idol Idol fans, but fans that would come out just to see me. It seemed completely crazy to me that so many people would even know who I was, let alone make such an effort to express their appreciation. Where were all of these kind words coming from? How could a shy eighteen-year-old matter to them? I had begun as part of the fans, but fans that would come out just to see me. It seemed completely crazy to me that so many people would even know who I was, let alone make such an effort to express their appreciation. Where were all of these kind words coming from? How could a shy eighteen-year-old matter to them? I had begun as part of the American Idol American Idol show, but now, for the first time, I was being given the chance to be show, but now, for the first time, I was being given the chance to be me me. I realized that, along with having a relationship with music, I"d now be able to have a very solid relationship with my fans. Each time I faced an audience, no matter where I was, would prove this to be true. There were some people I began to see over and over again. Why would they want to see me more than once? Why would they travel all over to show their support? Once again, I was blown away. I have always felt that without the fans, I had no way of completing the experience of singing, that without them, I would still be the shy kid in the backyard who felt safe singing to his cats. My fans allowed my music to become part of an exchange, which made me feel that someone would always be listening. I owe this ongoing experience to the world"s greatest group of fans!
The fans are always the ones who keep me going
There have been so many fans and from all over the world. People have come from Singapore, the UK, Canada, China, j.a.pan, Germany, Italy, the Philippines, Denmark, Israel, Malaysia, Puerto Rico, Mexico, and so many others that as much as I want to, I can"t even keep track! It seemed that many of the fans wanted to go out of their way to make sure I knew just how strongly they felt about me. It was almost as if they picked up on my insecurities and worked extra-hard to make sure that I"d feel good about myself. More than fans, they felt like a team of morale-boosters who would always be around to remind me of my worth. The fans stepped up as the much-needed providers of faith and motivation that I would come to rely on as I continued down this new path.
CHAPTER 8.
DIVINE FREQUENCY.
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."
STEPHEN R. COVEY.
Sometimes, in this constantly evolving world of pop music, I find it important to continually remind myself of my original motivation for singing. For me, singing has also been a tool for something else, something more profound, even spiritual.
No matter what song I perform, my primary goal is to communicate with the audience, transfer feelings to them, and then have the energy they feel come back to me again. This, to me, is the coolest thing about performing. First the energy starts up; then it just builds and builds until the band and I feel excited, and then to see the audience also experience something incredible makes my role as a performer seem almost perfect. A lot of what I try to accomplish musically has to do with the type of song I choose to sing. Some are happy, some are sad. Some songs are just quirky and fun. "Touch My Hand," "Works for Me" and "Zero Gravity" are songs I love to perform. They aren"t meant to be too serious, they"re just meant for everyone to jump around or clap or just have a good time. Other types of songs that I enjoy singing are more about relationships like "Crush," and "Barriers," or romantic ballads like "To Be with You" and "You Can." There are other songs that have special messages and can really touch and move people in a very emotional and even spiritual way like "Angels," "Imagine," "Fields of Gold," certain Christmas songs and "Prayer of the Children." As much as I love all kinds of music, I"ve always had a special place in my heart for this last type of songs.
So as I think back on it now, I think it is safe to say that music is something you both hear and feel. I also realize that feelings change frequently and that for the most part, they are not a constant. They change from high to low, happy to sad, content to ecstatic and back down again. Not all music has the same purpose, but most music makes you feel "something." I personally love the type of music that has the ability to lift and heal and inspire. I"ve always responded emotionally to music, but there are certain songs that go beyond just fun or pretty or sad. There are songs that make me feel something so strong that while I am performing, it"s almost like I am being transported to somewhere else and for a few minutes I feel like I am inside that song, trying to pour out as much emotion and energy as I can. Not everyone feels it the same way, but some people seem to connect at a very deep level. They too become a part of the moment, and the song seems to embrace them as well, and does something that borders on a spiritual experience. When the intent and emotions of the song are right, I get swallowed up in that emotion, and it helps me know for sure that there is a power much higher than you or me that is in charge of all that is good in the world, including certain special types of music.
For me, it is a privilege to experience that mutual connection, not just between the audience and me, but sometimes also with G.o.d. It is the most satisfying part of being able to perform music. This is a very sacred subject for me, so I hope I can express adequately what I really feel because I believe that I have a responsibility to use the pa.s.sion that I have for music to do good. Let"s start with the fact that I wouldn"t even be in the position to write this book had it not been for American Idol American Idol, which, as you know, I would never have done had I not first pondered and prayed about it. I like to think of prayer as a way of getting advice from someone who knows my true purpose and wants to help me grasp and more fully understand what that purpose is. Faith has played a really important role in my journey, at each moment arming me with strength to push forward to the next level. At each step along the way I would make it a point to thank G.o.d for all that He"s done, and to pray for the strength I"d need to make it through to the next phase. I knew that my commitment to trusting in Him would become the compa.s.s that would keep my course steady, and that with this belief close to my heart, I would be able to keep my motives and actions in check. I try to think about how a song will impact other people positively or negatively and make sure that my values come across to whoever listens to it. It"s like when I just try to do what"s right, the Lord blesses me both directly and also indirectly by also blessing other people. You can see how it helps other people and that is the most satisfying part of it. I think since I was a little boy, I have understood these concepts subconsciously. And when I had the challenges of vocal paralysis, even though I knew I would probably be happy learning a variety of other professions, I still felt that nothing was ever quite as special as music. But even with the challenges I faced during that time, some good has come even from the problems I had with my strange, messed-up vocal cord. My current vocal coach thinks that there are still some residual effects from the partial paralysis. The doctor showed us that one cord is at more than full strength and the other one still has some problems; but he also says it gives my voice a distinct sound. "Some singers have a quirk that gives their voice a unique quality," he told me. "And this has done that for you." Even that seemingly horrendous diagnosis has turned into a kind of blessing. When I really look at it, I tend to wonder if G.o.d"s hand was involved in this. Probably, but I don"t want it to sound like G.o.d made me have vocal paralysis in order to then miraculously fix me. It"s more like He gave me the ability to persist, despite the challenges that were also part of my path.
I find it important to continually remind myself of my original motivation for singing.
Always trying to stay connected to the divine frequency But the vocal condition was only one snag in my path. Sure, I always loved to sing, but in my mind that didn"t necessarily add up to a promising future in the music industry. It was totally the opposite: I never thought I had the skills to deliver in true "star" fashion. You already know that I had serious confidence issues, and I always found it difficult to express myself. It was a challenge for me to articulate my ideas about music, or anything for that matter-I saw myself as too shy, too quiet, too introspective, too much of the stuff that pop stars are not not made of. So it was definitely a strange little conflict that I lived with: On the one hand, I sang obsessively; but on the other hand, I cringed at the sound of my own voice and belittled my potential as a serious singer. I saw myself as a die-hard made of. So it was definitely a strange little conflict that I lived with: On the one hand, I sang obsessively; but on the other hand, I cringed at the sound of my own voice and belittled my potential as a serious singer. I saw myself as a die-hard fan fan of music and singing, more than actually being someone who could be a professional singer. I did want it but, sadly, I never imagined that I could have it. There were always going to be singers out there who were more skillful, more talented and more suited for a life onstage, I thought, and I would never be able to measure up to their level. I would never have the confidence or stage presence skills that seemed to come so naturally to the singers I admired. of music and singing, more than actually being someone who could be a professional singer. I did want it but, sadly, I never imagined that I could have it. There were always going to be singers out there who were more skillful, more talented and more suited for a life onstage, I thought, and I would never be able to measure up to their level. I would never have the confidence or stage presence skills that seemed to come so naturally to the singers I admired.
I try to think about how a song will impact other people positively or negatively and make sure that my values come across to whoever listens to it.
But I did have desire and faith that if I shared my talent, good would come from it, for others as well as myself-which I believe are the two main reasons why I was able to overcome anything at all. Through that desire and faith I managed to bridge this gap between my personality and my pa.s.sion.
You see, the fact that my love for singing came at such a very young age, and became such a pa.s.sion for me starting with my fascination with Les Miserables Les Miserables, the desire and joy I felt singing was something that I could never deny. If G.o.d gave me the desire to sing, I figured there must be a pretty good reason for it. I chose to have faith in Him and His reasons (whatever they may be), and let this faith fuel my decisions and behavior. By sticking to this idea I would always have a spiritual compa.s.s. By leaning on G.o.d, fear would be replaced with courage; doubt with hope; and uncertainty with the acceptance of the fact that we don"t always know where we are going or why we"re heading in a particular direction. But if we trust in Him, He will lead us to the place where we are supposed to go. I was able to internalize the reality that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, but with His help we can get ourselves out of our own way. I definitely can say that without this spiritual perspective, I just wouldn"t be where I am now.
When I think back on it: At first I needed the help of G.o.d to decide if I should take the first step to cross a critical bridge. Then I needed His a.s.sistance to actually cross the bridge. And finally, when I got to the other side of that bridge, it turned out I needed Him the most. Now in this strange new spotlight, I cling to my spiritual connection more than ever. The world I was thrown into thanks to American Idol American Idol was one that could easily reprogram a person"s sense of normalcy, potentially chipping away at one"s most important values. Instead, I like to direct my energy into remembering what life and happiness are really all about. was one that could easily reprogram a person"s sense of normalcy, potentially chipping away at one"s most important values. Instead, I like to direct my energy into remembering what life and happiness are really all about.
We all have our own way of seeing the world and dealing with the ups and downs that life gives us, and I think that part of being able to relate to as many people as possible is in accepting the differences and imperfections in us all. I believe that even though we all have issues and problems and bad habits and idiosyncrasies, we"re here to learn and to better ourselves. We"re all given different challenges, but we"re all ultimately here to find true happiness; some people figure it out earlier in life than others, but it"s never too late. We"re here to work to find it and to help other people find it. We are supposed to care about one another and look at ways in which we can inspire and lift one another up when someone else needs it most. At the same time, we can"t rely on others to do everything for us. We shouldn"t just accept our station in life and think that we can"t change where we are at. Even as we are working on ourselves, we should be encouraging one another to work things out and aspire for more. I want people to be hopeful and know that they have the potential to be happy in life. There may be many ways to achieve that, but we all need to work for it and strive to find it in our own way. It is hard to give someone happiness; it is something that you earn by your own actions, thoughts and beliefs, as well as through the way you treat yourself and others. I totally believe everyone in life is meant to be happy; and happiness really has to come from doing what is right and being there for others. No one can make you be happy all the time. You simply have to learn it for yourself.
Having a moment with myself before the show I did have desire and faith . . .
Looking back on my vocal paralysis challenge, some people may think that it made me unhappy because I couldn"t sing. The good thing is that despite my frustration, I was still happy because I had plenty of other things in my life that made me happy. So instead of being totally unhappy about the challenge I faced, I looked at it as an opportunity to learn more. I think that the fact of having some time off from singing actually prepared me for when Idol Idol came around-it motivated me to work twice as hard. It gave me an opportunity to learn to be patient and think about a lot of other interesting things I could do with my life. I still loved and listened to music, and I wasn"t going to stop and let it make me feel depressed. I just dealt with it and moved on and was planning to just be a normal kid and maybe study to become a veterinarian; later on I thought about being a dentist, and in high school I even thought about becoming an ear, nose, and throat doctor. came around-it motivated me to work twice as hard. It gave me an opportunity to learn to be patient and think about a lot of other interesting things I could do with my life. I still loved and listened to music, and I wasn"t going to stop and let it make me feel depressed. I just dealt with it and moved on and was planning to just be a normal kid and maybe study to become a veterinarian; later on I thought about being a dentist, and in high school I even thought about becoming an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
So when I finally "got my voice back," of course I was happy about it, but I also knew I couldn"t take it for granted. I realized that I needed to show my appreciation and grat.i.tude by using what I believed had been given back to me by G.o.d, and in a way that would help and benefit others and not just myself. When I prayed, I really believed I was able to speak with our Heavenly Father and that He would actually communicate back with me, which He did. I wanted Him to know how much I appreciated Him and His guidance and the talents and experiences He has allowed me to have. To this day, I want to involve him in all that I do, so I can keep things in the proper perspective without allowing pride or ego to creep in.
I realized that I needed to show my appreciation and grat.i.tude by using what I believed had been given back to me by G.o.d When I began on Idol Idol, the reality of my crazy schedule and the new pace of things made it a very real challenge to stay grounded spiritually. For starters, the whole time we were in L.A., we were able to go to church only once or twice, a sacrifice that I made knowing that the Heavenly Father said that I should do this. I knew He understood, so although I felt badly about it, I knew He was aware that I would always think about him, listen for the promptings of His Spirit, and follow those whisperings. I promised myself that church or no church, I would keep G.o.d close, and though I wasn"t in touch with too many people outside of the Idol Idol world during those six months, my relationship with G.o.d was the one I worked on the most. I know that some people might have expected me to change somehow under these new, very Hollywood circ.u.mstances, but I knew that if I remained mindful of my spiritual needs and obligations, G.o.d would support me and provide me with the comfort, hope and feelings of joy that would sustain me. The guidance I received through the Spirit became the barometer against which I could measure everything that was happening, and it helped me keep all the tasks and responsibilities as a contestant on world during those six months, my relationship with G.o.d was the one I worked on the most. I know that some people might have expected me to change somehow under these new, very Hollywood circ.u.mstances, but I knew that if I remained mindful of my spiritual needs and obligations, G.o.d would support me and provide me with the comfort, hope and feelings of joy that would sustain me. The guidance I received through the Spirit became the barometer against which I could measure everything that was happening, and it helped me keep all the tasks and responsibilities as a contestant on Idol Idol in the proper perspective. I would be a contestant on in the proper perspective. I would be a contestant on Idol Idol just for a short time, but I would be a son of my Heavenly Father forever. Because of this belief, I was better able to find meaning, purpose, comfort, peace and even happiness despite the chaos. He was and is my anchor, and I don"t know how I would have survived any of all this without Him. just for a short time, but I would be a son of my Heavenly Father forever. Because of this belief, I was better able to find meaning, purpose, comfort, peace and even happiness despite the chaos. He was and is my anchor, and I don"t know how I would have survived any of all this without Him.
My goal was always to stay close to G.o.d So even though there were times when I simply didn"t think I"d be able to handle things, when the possibility of failure seemed more likely than my progress on the show, I knew I had to hang in there. Even though my goal was always to stay close to G.o.d, it wasn"t always so simple to make it happen. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed with the process and schedule that I just didn"t have enough time to recharge spiritually. It was so challenging to keep a balance when the schedule didn"t allow it but I realized that I would have to fit in at least a little time for prayer and Scriptures. It was an important lesson to learn, because the moment I realized that I could always fit in some time with the Spirit, even if for just a few minutes, a huge burden of guilt and unworthiness was lifted off of me and I realized that from then I would make it a goal to always fit in some spiritual time every day, even if I didn"t think there was time. I"m not going to say I have done this perfectly, but when I do it, it definitely pays off!
Feeling the fire here!
Having a spiritual foundation based on faith in a living G.o.d helps remind me that my life is not just about becoming a famous singer, but about what I can do to help other people feel good. I truly believe that G.o.d gave us music for a reason; I"m no expert, but I am pretty certain that reason has a lot to do with my happiness.
CHAPTER 9.
THE JOY IN SOUND.
"The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the glory of G.o.d and the refreshment of the soul."
-JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH.
"Music and rhythm find their ways into the secret places of -PLATO.
So many things confuse me. But "feeling" is a language I can understand. That"s why I connect with music so much. Music contains I connect with music so much. Music contains such a broad range of emotions. Now that I think about it, I"ve always been really bad at writing papers. I would always finish last, and it would take me forever to organize my ideas and communicate them clearly. But feelings speak where words fail me, and that"s what music does for me. It"s a powerful way for me to communicate with people. I perceive the world through the wide range of emotions that whirl all around in it-and it"s almost like my antennae for those emotions live inside my love for music. Music is a tool for expressing and communicating emotion. But it doesn"t stop there: My hope is that when I perform live, my music is received received by an audience, and that the audience is as affected as I am while I"m singing. To me this is the most beautiful thing about music-it is a give and take between performer and audience, an opportunity to share the emotions of that singular moment. It"s always different, so each one of those moments is loaded with a sense of possibility and spontaneity, making the process totally organic and just so interesting, no matter how many times I do it. by an audience, and that the audience is as affected as I am while I"m singing. To me this is the most beautiful thing about music-it is a give and take between performer and audience, an opportunity to share the emotions of that singular moment. It"s always different, so each one of those moments is loaded with a sense of possibility and spontaneity, making the process totally organic and just so interesting, no matter how many times I do it.
My natural feelings are are fluid, so it"s important to keep the heart open and to be in the moment of any performance. Each show is a unique send-receive moment where all of the parties involved-singer and audience members-can jointly experience the sentiment of a song. The music itself fluid, so it"s important to keep the heart open and to be in the moment of any performance. Each show is a unique send-receive moment where all of the parties involved-singer and audience members-can jointly experience the sentiment of a song. The music itself is is the connection. There are many millions of songs in the world, each one its own little bubble of feelings. Each time we sing, we are asked to communicate its emotional essence. You might say that music has the power to make us more compa.s.sionate, because it has this special ability to let us feel what the song"s creator felt when he wrote it. It puts us all on the same emotional playing field. the connection. There are many millions of songs in the world, each one its own little bubble of feelings. Each time we sing, we are asked to communicate its emotional essence. You might say that music has the power to make us more compa.s.sionate, because it has this special ability to let us feel what the song"s creator felt when he wrote it. It puts us all on the same emotional playing field.
. . . "feeling" is a language I can understand . . .
The point I"m trying to make is that music can be so much more than just entertainment. It can be an act of communion, a dialogue in sound, sacred or soulful, happy or sad, intense or soothing; it can cover the entire spectrum of human emotions. With music we can all speak the same language and we can relate to one another"s joys and pains. I recently learned the meaning of the word "catharsis," which the dictionary defines as "an experience of emotional release often inspired by or through art." It comes from the Greek word "katharos," "katharos," which literally means "pure." To me this is the perfect description of what happens through music on many occasions: There is an emotional release that comes along with (or maybe leads to) a total state of purity. As a si