And the Graf muttered, "_Peinlich, peinlich_" and pushed hack his chair and left the room.
"You have spoilt my husband"s lunch," said the Grafin sternly.
"I am very sorry," I said; and tried to go on with my own, but couldn"t see it because I was blinded by tears.
After this there was nothing for it but Frau Berg. I waited till the Grafin was alone, and then went and told her I thought it better I should go back to the Lutzowstra.s.se, and would like, if she didn"t mind, to go tomorrow. It was very _peinlich_, as they say; for however much people want to get rid of you they"re always angry if you want to go. I said all I could that was grateful, and there was quite a lot I could say by blotting out the last two days from my remembrance. I did, being greatly at sea and perplexed, ask what it was that I had done to offend her; though of course she didn"t tell me, and was only still more offended at being asked.
I"m going to pack now, and write a letter to Bernd telling him about it, in case Helena should have a second unfortunate conviction that I"m not at home when he comes next. And I do try to be cheerful, little mother, and keep my soul from getting hurt, and when I"m at Frau Berg"s I shall feel more normal again I expect. But one has such fears--oh, more than just fears, terrors--Well, I won"t go on writing in this mood. I"ll pack.
Your own Chris.
_At Frau Berg"s, August 4th, 1914, very late_.
Precious mother,
I"m coming back to you. Don"t be unhappy about me. Don"t think I"m coming back mangled, a bleeding thing, because you see, I still have Bernd. I still believe in him--oh, with my whole being. And as long as I do that how can I be anything but happy? It"s strange how, now that the catastrophe has come, I"m quite calm, sitting here at Frau Berg"s in my old room in the middle of the night writing to you. I think it"s because the whole thing is so great that I"m like this, like somebody who has had a mortal blow, and because it"s mortal doesn"t feel. But this isn"t mortal. I"ve got Bernd and you,--only now I must have great patience. Till I see him again. Till war is over and he comes for me, and I shall be with him always.
I"m coming to you, dear mother. It"s finished here. I"m going to describe it all quite calmly to you. I"m not going to be unworthy of Bernd, I won"t have less of dignity and patience than he has. If you"d seen him tonight saying good-bye to me, and stopped by the Colonel!
His look as he obeyed--I shan"t forget it. When next I"m weak and base I shall remember it, and it will save me.
At dinner there were only the Grafin and Helena and me, and they didn"t speak a word, not only not to me but not to each other, and in the middle a servant brought in a note for the Grafin from the Graf, he said, and when she had looked at it she got up and went out. We finished our dinner in dead silence, and I was going up to my room when the Grafin"s maid came after me and said would I go to her mistress.
She was alone in the drawingroom, sitting at her writing table, though she wasn"t writing, and when I came in she said, without turning round, that she must ask me to leave her house at once, that very evening.
She said that apart from her private feelings, which were all in favour of my going--she would be quite frank, she said--there were serious political reasons why I shouldn"t stay even as long as till tomorrow.
The Graf"s career, his position in the ministry, their social position, Majestat,--I really don"t remember all she said, and it matters so little, so little. I listened, trying to understand, trying to give all my attention to it and disentangle it, while my heart was thumping so because of Bernd. For I was being turned out in disgrace, and I am his betrothed, and so I am his honour, and whatever of shame there is for me there is of shame for him.
The Grafin got more and more unsteady in her voice as she went on. She was trying hard to keep calm, but she was evidently feeling so acutely, so violently, that it was distressing to, have to watch her. I was so sorry. I wanted to put my arms round her and tell her not to mind so much, that of course I"d go, but if only she wouldn"t mind so much whatever it was. Then at last she began to lose her hold on herself, and got up and walked about the room saying things about England. So then I knew. And I knew the answer to everything that has been perplexing me. They"d been afraid of it the last two days, and now they knew it. England isn"t going to fold her arms and look on. Oh, how I loved England then! Standing in that Berlin drawingroom in the heart of the Junker-military-official set, all by myself in what I think and feel,--how I loved her! My heart was thumping five minutes before for fear of shame, now it thumped so that I couldn"t have said anything if I"d wanted to for gladness and pride. I was a bit of England. I think to know how much one loves England one has to be in Germany. I forgot Bernd for a moment, my heart was so full of that other love, that proud love for one"s country when it takes its stand on the side of righteousness. And presently the Grafin said it all, tumbled it all out,--that England was going to declare war, and under circ.u.mstances so shameful, so full of the well-known revolting hypocrisy, that it made an honest German sick. "Belgium!" she cried, "What is Belgium? An excuse, a pretence, one more of the sickening, whining phrases with which you conceal your gluttonous opportunism--"
And so she continued, while I stood silent.
Oh well, all that doesn"t matter now,--I"m in a hurry, I want to get this letter off to you tonight. Luckily there"s a letter-box a few yards away, so I won"t have to face much of those awful streets that are yelling now for England"s blood.
I went up and got my things together. I knew Bernd would get the letter I posted to him this morning telling him I was going to Frau Berg"s tomorrow, so I felt safe about seeing him, even if he didn"t come in to the Koseritzes before I left. But he did come in. He came just as I was going downstairs carrying my violin-case--how foolish and outside of life that music business seems now--and he seized my hand and took me into the drawingroom.
"Not in here, not in here!" cried the Grafin, getting up excitedly.
"Not again, not ever again does an Englishwoman come into my drawingroom--"
Bernd went to her and drew her hand through his arm and led her politely to the door, which he shut after her. Then he came back to me. "You know, Chris," he said, "about England?"
"Of course--just listen," I answered, for in the street newsboys were yelling _Kriegserklarung Englands_, and there was a great dull roaring as of a mult.i.tude of wild beasts who have been wounded.
"You must go to your mother at once--tomorrow," he said. "Before you"re noticed, before there"s been time to make your going difficult."
I told him the Grafin had asked me to leave, and I was coming here tonight. He wasted no words on the Koseritzes, but was anxious lest Frau Berg mightn"t wish to take me in now. He said he would come with me and see that she did, and place me under her care as part of himself. "And tomorrow you run. You run to Switzerland, without telling Frau Berg or a soul where you are going," he said. "You just go out, and don"t come back. I"ll settle with Frau Berg afterwards.
You go to the Anhalter station--on your feet, Chris, as though you were going for a walk--and get into the first train for Geneva, Zurich, Lausanne, anywhere as long as it"s Switzerland. You"ll want all your intelligence. Have you money enough?"
"Yes, yes," I said, feeling every second was precious and shouldn"t be wasted; but he opened my violin-case and put a lot of banknotes into it.
"And have you courage enough?" he asked, taking my face in his hands and looking into my eyes.
Oh the blessedness, the blessedness of being near him, of hearing and seeing him. What couldn"t I and wouldn"t I be and do for Bernd?
I told him I had courage enough, for I had him, and I wouldn"t fail in it, nor in patience.
"We shall want both, my Chris," he said, his face against mine, "oh, my Chris--!"
And then the Colonel walked in.
"Herr Leutnant?" he said, in a raucous voice, as though he were ordering troops about.
At the sound of it Bernd instantly became rigid and stood at attention,--the perfect automaton, except that I was hanging on his arm.
"_Zur Befehl_, Herr Oberst," he said.
"Take that woman"s hand off your arm, Herr Leutnant," said the Colonel sharply.
Bernd gently put my hand off, and I put it back again.
"We are going to be married," I said to the Colonel, "and perhaps I may not see Bernd for a long while after tonight."
"No German officer marries an alien enemy," snapped out the Colonel.
"Remove the woman"s hand, Herr Leutnant."
Again Bernd gently took my hand, but I held on. "This is good-bye, then?" I said, looking up at him and clinging to him.
He was facing the Colonel, rigid, his profile to me; but he did at that turn his head and look at me. "Remember--" he breathed.
"I forbid all talking, Herr Leutnant," snapped the Colonel.
"Never mind him," I whispered. "What does _he_ matter? Remember what, my Bernd, my own beloved?"
"Remember courage--patience--" he murmured quickly, under his breath.
"Silence!" shouted the Colonel. "Take that woman"s hand off your arm, Herr Leutnant. _Kreutzhimmeldonnerwetter nochmal_. Instantly."
Bernd took my hand, and raising it to his face kissed it slowly and looked at me. I shall not forget that look.
The Colonel, who was very red and more like an infuriated machine than a human being, stepped on one side and pointed to the door. "Precede me," he said. "On the instant. March."
And Bernd went out as if on parade.
When shall we see each other again? Only a fortnight, one fortnight and two days, have we been lovers. But such things can"t be measured by time. They are of eternity. They are for always. If he is killed, and the rest of my years are empty, we still will have had the whole of life.
And now there"s tomorrow, and my getting away. You won"t be anxious, dear mother. You"ll wait quietly and patiently till I come. I"ll write to you on the way if I can. It may take several days to get to Switzerland, and it may be difficult to get out of Germany. I think I shall say I"m an American. Frau Berg, poor thing, will be relieved to find me gone. She only took me in tonight because of Bernd. While she was demurring on the threshold, when at last I got to her after a terrifying walk through the crowds,--for I was afraid they would notice me and see, as they always do, that I"m English,--his soldier servant brought her a note from him which just turned the scale for me. I"m afraid humanity wouldn"t have done it, nor pity, for patriotism and pity don"t go well together here.
I wonder if you"ll believe how calmly I"m going to bed and to sleep tonight, on the night of what might seem to be the ruin of my happiness. I"m glad I"ve written everything down that has happened this evening. It has got it so clear to me. I don"t want ever to forget one word or look of Bernd"s tonight. I don"t want ever to forget his patience, his dear look of untouchable dignity, when the Colonel, because he is in authority and can be cruel, at such a moment in the lives of two poor human beings was so unkind.