Love? Had he just told her that he loved her? No, it wasn"t possible.
Love didn"t happen like a flash fire in a pan. It Had , she thought.
Sara let her barriers down long enough to admit it to herself. Love had happened just that fast, just that overwhelmingly. If not for him, it had for her.
Oh, G.o.d, she was in trouble.
She felt numb and confused as she put her key into the lock and let herself inqo the house.
It took her a moment to realize that the lights were on in the living room. Her father was sitting in the beige-and brown recliner, looking through the magazine section of the Sunday paper. He let it drop when he saw her come in. "Have fun?"
She crossed to him quickly. "Are you all right? Is something wrong?"
She tried to remember where she had put away the surgeon"s phone number.
Raymond smiled at her display of concern. "I"m just fine , Sara."
She let out a sigh of relief, her adrenaline draining from her. Her eyes narrowed. It was almost eleven o"clock. Her father had always been a firm believer in going to bed early. " " What are you doing up?
He moved the lever on the recliner. The footrest disappeared as he sat up. " " Waiting for my daughter to get in. You said you"d be back tonight," he reminded her.
She frowned. He needed his rest. "You shouldn"t have stayed up: "
Having her fuss over him was something new. He let himself enjoy it for a moment. "I liked staying up waiting for you: Raymond thought of his daughter"s teen years. " I missed out on doing that. "
Not tonight, Dad, I can"t handle this tonight. Restlessly Sara shifted the suitcase to her other hand. " " You missed out on a lot of things.
"Yes, I know." He wanted to take her hand, to ask forgiveness , but he didn"t know how. He was just beginning to learn how to forgive himself. "And you have no idea how sorry I am about that."
Sara"s expression grew distant. "No, I don"t. I haven"t the faintest idea how sorry you are." She remembered how she had finally come to terms with it all, how she had hardened her heart. Or tried to. "I didn"t think you were sorry at all: "
"Then you thought wrong."
Sara turned from him. Raymond reached for her hand, stopping her. She was surprised at how much strength there was in his grip. He had always held her so gently when she was a child. Now it felt as if he was holding on for his very life.
His eyes implored her to believe him. " " Not a day went by when I didn"t miss you. I have always, always loved you, Sara. "
Her eyes were cold, but she could feel them misting. d.a.m.n, she didn"t want to cry now. Not now. "You had a very funny way of showing it: ".
He smiled disparagingly. "I thought I was showing it the only way I could."
She pulled her hand away. Her anger flared red-hot. "By deserting me?
" How could he insult her by talking such nonsense? "By making me feel that my father, the man I loved more than anyone else in the world, didn"t care about me anymore? "
Raymond shook his head. He suddenly felt very old. "That wasn"t the way it was."
"Then how was it, Dad?" she demanded, her voice rising" How was it for you? For me it was lousy. " Tears began to fall. " Other kids had fathers they could spend time with. Fathers to talk to. Fathers to give cards to on Father"s
Sara wiped away the tears angrily with the heel of her hand. She didn"t want her father thinking that she was crying over him.
"I didn"t even have an address." She looked at him accusingly"I didn"t even know where you were. Just somewhere in California. "
"I was right here all the time. I sent child support checks every month." That much money he always put by. Despite his obsession, he would never have cheated Sara of her due.
Sara shrugged, annoyed with herself for letting loose like that, letting her emotions free. "I found that out later. But Mother said you moved without a forwarding address. She said the envelopes the checks came in had a different postmark on them every month."
Raymond offered her his handkerchief, but she refused it, sniffing instead.
The pain refused to remain buried any longer. "The first year you disappeared out of my life, I called information, hoping to track you down by your phone number. I was going to call and yell at you for leaving, but you weren"t listed anywhere." She bit her lip to stem the flow of fresh tears that threatened to come. Sara remembered sitting in her room with a road atlas she had bought. "I called information in every city in Southern California that I could find."
His conscience shot steely arrows of guilt through him. "I"m a cop, Sara. We like to stay unlisted. You remember."
She swallowed. The lump in her throat was huge. "Yeah, I remember."
He didn"t know what to say. He only knew he had to say something. He was losing her. "Sara.. "
There was no use in going around and around about this. The past was behind them, leaving an inky black mark in its place. Nothing her father could say would change what he had done to her. He had shut her completely out of his life for his own selfish reasons. Because he wanted to start a new life without her. That was what her mother had told her when Sara had asked.
And what Sara believed, because there was no reason not to.
Sara shrugged indifferently, dismissing the conversation. "I"m tired, Dad. I"d like to go to bed now. And you should, too," she added as an afterthought.
He had let silence plead his case for too long. Raymond caught her by the arm, imploring her to stay. "No, I have to explain."
She"d fought too many emotional battles today to remain polite. Her resolve broke.
"Explain what?" she lashed out. "That I was a reminder to you of your mistake, just like I was to Mom? I don"t want to hear it." She tried to pull away, but he wouldn"t let her.
She had to hear the truth, no matter how painful it would be for both of them.
"No." Raymond raised his voice. "You"re going to listen"
She yanked her hand free, accidentally knocking over the suitcase. She hardly noticed it. "You can"t talk to me like that. You haven"t the right to play father now after all these years ."
"Maybe you"re right." Raymond let his hands hang at his sides, but his eyes held her in place. "Then listen to me because you"re fair."
She sighed as she dragged her hand through her hair. She was crazy for letting him talk her into this. "All right. Talk ."
Raymond began to pace, agitation fueling his steps. Now that she was listening, he wasn"t certain he had the right words at his disposal.
"I didn"t break off contact with you because you reminded me of a mistake I had made." He laughed softly to himself at the irony of her accusation. "h.e.l.l, Sara, you were the only thing about my life that was good and clean. I stopped seeing you because I thought it was for your own good- "
"My own good?" she echoed incredulously. "How can you say that? "
He shrugged, looking away. "Vanity, I guess. I didn"t want you to know what a weakling your old man was: "
He had completely lost her. "I don"t understand."
Raymond looked at her then and she found herself pitying him. She tried to lock the sentiment out, but it seeped through. "Maybe I should start by explaining your name."