But nothing came.
He stopped and turned to her, blocking her way. "Marry me, Sara."
Sara blinked, certain she had misheard. Praying that she had misheard.
Don"t make me say no. "What did you say?"
Uncertainty rippled through him, like the winter wind through the top branches of a tree. She was going to say no.
He could feel it. "Marry me, Sara."
Instead of answering him, Sara turned away and began to cry.
Nothing hurt more than the sound of her sobs. Nik forced her around to face him again. Anger and pain mingled in his words. "I asked you to marry me, not jump off a cliff."
She sniffed, desperately trying to brazen her way through. " " Same thing . "
His eyes swept over her face. Why? He didn"t understand And he wasn"t going to let her go until he did. "Do I frighten you that much?"
She shook her head, her eyes downcast. "No. You don"t."
His patience was at an end. "Then-?"
Sara raised her eyes to his face again. "The future does."
Was it just a matter of terminally cold feet? He almost laughed.
"Sara, n.o.body knows what the future holds. But that doesn"t mean we can"t try to grab a little bit of happiness along the way."
He didn"t understand the huge, bottomless fear that existed within her.
And she didn"t have the words to make him.
"I can"t. The consequences are too great."
Nik threw up his hands as his voice rose. "What consequences ?" Out of the corner of his eye he saw the two teenagers withdraw.
Lowering his voice, Nik struggled to be understanding. "Sara, if there was someone in your life who hurt you, tell me," he implored. "I need to know who I"m fighting, what I"m fighting, because d.a.m.n it, I am going to fight." He took her into his arms. "I"m not letting you leave my life like this."
Sara couldn"t talk. Instead, she buried her face against his shoulder.
Silent tears wet his shirt. Nik held her close, stroking her hair. "If some man-"
She had to stop this; she upbraided herself. "It wasn"t a man. Not entirely."
Nik thought of his sister"s date rape. It had taken Julia years to leave the shadow of fear behind her. Nik took Sara by the shoulders and gently drew her away. "Sara, tell me. Who?"
She didn"t want to. She had never really gone into how badly she had been scarred. Not even with Brom. "My father And my mother."
It made absolutely no sense to him. And then, suddenly, it did. "The divorce?"
She nodded. She tried to pull away, but his hold was firm. Binding.
Because she was suddenly so tired she couldn"t resist"I don"t want that kind of hurt. "
"We"re not even married yet and you"ve already got us divorcing. Was the honeymoon good?" He tried to make light of it, but it was difficult for him. He couldn"t understand throwing away everything because of what might be. "Sara, one step at a time."
"I can"t take that step. I"d rather not travel the road at all than take that last step." She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together, helpless. Just as she had been then. Helpless to ease her mother"s pain.
Nik didn"t say anything. He just held her. It was all he could do.
"I thought my parents had a great marriage. When it broke up, I guess I kind of went into shock." She felt his hands on her, felt his strength. She drew it to her and continued
"My father was the greatest guy in the world and he walked out on us, walked out on his promise to love my mother until death did them part.
If he couldn"t stay, why should you?"
"Sara-"
She shook her head, determined to finish. "My mother went all to pieces for a whole year. There wasn"t anything I could do for her, except listen. She"d just sit around and stare into s.p.a.ce for hours at a time. She"d talk about how she had watched her love die."
Sara raised her face to Nik. He saw that it was bright with tears. He stroked them away with his thumb.
"She once told me that when she first fell in love with my father, every day felt like Christmas inside of her. That joy, that expectation of being with someone you loved was like Christmas for her."
Sara bit her lip, remembering the look on her mother"s face. "And then, slowly, that feeling faded. It wasn"t Christmas anymore. When they divorced, she cried in my arms. She said all she wanted was for that feeling to come back. And it never did."
Sara took a deep breath, putting her hands up against Nik"s chest. She needed to drive a physical wedge between them. He was filling up all of her s.p.a.ce and she hadn"t the strength to break free. He had to release her. " " I saw the ache in her eyes, the agony. " She had to make him understand. " I don"t know what I"d do if I lost you. "
It made less than no sense to him. "So instead of losing me, you"re throwing me away instead? Sara, don"t you see , that doesn"t make any sense."
She tried to pull away, but he wouldn"t let her. Like a trapped animal she railed at him. "I"d rather feel empty than heartbroken."
He cupped her cheek with his hand, looking into her eyes. "And how do you feel now?"
There was no point in lying. She knew he could see the truth in her eyes. "Miserable."
He drove his hands through her hair, framing her face. She was too precious to lose. Pigheaded, but precious. Now that he had taken her into his heart, there was no way he was going to let ghosts from the past steal their happiness. "So what have you gained by running away?"
Defeated, drained, Sara slumped against him, her head resting against his shoulder. "A headache."
Nik smiled to himself in the moonlight as he absorbed her warmth into his body. "Stay, Sara," he whispered into her hair. " " Stay. "
She wavered, wanting to remain more than she had ever wanted anything else in her life. But fear tugged at her with both hands. "I"m afraid, Nik."
He knew that it was the most difficult admission she had ever made. "It doesn"t have to be that way for us. Love doesn"t have to die."
" " But what if it does? " she persisted, wanting him to find a way to a.s.sure her, wanting him to make her fears disappear" It did for my parents. Can you promise me Christmas every day? "
He could lie, but she would know it wasn"t the truth. And if it was going to survive, their relationship had to be built on a solid foundation, not a layer of deceit.
"No, I can"t." He took her hands and held them tightly in his. " "
Because if Christmas was every day, then it wouldn"t be Christmas any more. It wouldn"t be special. " He looked into her eyes to see if she understood what he was trying to say. " Married life is made up of good days and bad days.
Besides," he added with a smile, " the Fourth of July and