You"re right, Lord. I"m holding on to these fears and doubts when I should be holding on to You. I do let go now. I want to embrace Your truth.
She breathed in a fresh peace and looked up. Todd was standing there.
"Hi." he said. He looked awful.
"Are you okay?" Christy put down her mug and stood up.
"Yeah, sure. Fine." Todd answered.
"Do you want some tea? I just made it. It"s still hot."
"Thanks." Todd leaned his surfboard up against the lounge chair and sat down in the chair next to Christy. His wet suit made a slippery rubber sound as he slid onto the vinyl chair pad. "I like tea," Todd said.
"Me too," Christy said, taking a sip and studying Todd"s eyes. He hadn"t looked directly at her yet.
"What is it?" Christy asked, leaning forward and placing her hand on top of Todd"s. He responded by grasping her hand and entwining his fingers with hers. He squeezed her hand tightly. Almost too tightly. Then lifting her hand to his lips, he kissed her hand twice before placing it gently back on the table.
Forcing a smile, he looked at her. "Ask me again later, okay?" He took a sip of tea and looked into his mug, as if scrutinizing his reflection the way Christy had.
Ask you again later? When? In five minutes? In five months? What"s wrong, Todd? I want to know now.
Christy remembered feeling this same way with Katie in the school parking lot when Katie wouldn"t tell her what was wrong. Todd had advised Christy to wait until Katie was ready to talk. He said the test of true love was found not in our trying to hold our friends tighter but in the strength to let them go. Christy would now, with great determination, apply Todd"s advice to his own situation. She couldn"t begin to imagine what was wrong.
They walked down to the water with their arms around each other. She had never felt him hold on to her this closely before. They stopped at the crest in the dry sand, right before it turned wet from the persistent morning tide.
Todd scanned the water and then let go of Christy. He reached for the leash at the end of his board and pulled apart the Velcro strap. It sounded like fabric ripping. Todd fastened the leash to his ankle and zipped his wet suit up to his chin. Then marching down to the water, he walked right into the first wave, ducking under and getting himself soaked before bobbing up, shaking the wet from his hair, and mounting his surfboard. He paddled out to a cl.u.s.ter of about a dozen other surfers and took his place sitting on his board with his legs dangling in the water.
This is hard, Christy thought. How long will I have to wait before he tells me what"s bothering him? I thought I had Todd all figured out. and now this morning, I feel like I don"t even know him.
For the next half hour, Christy watched, prayed, and waited. Todd caught maybe three waves during that whole time. There weren"t very many big ones, and Christy knew enough about surfer etiquette to know that Todd would never cut off another guy if he took the wave first. She felt relieved and a tiny bit nervous when she realized he had caught a wave and was riding it all the way to sh.o.r.e.
Todd emerged from the water, scooped his board under his arm, and jogged up to where Christy sat. When he was still several yards away, he stopped, tilted his head back, and shook his sun-bleached hair. She had watched him shake out his hair like that a dozen times. Watching him now, it made Todd seem familiar once again.
"I made a decision." Todd planted his board upright in the sand and sat next to Christy in the sand. He reached over and took her hand. She responded by slipping her small hand into his cold one and giving it a squeeze. Todd"s thumb rested on Christy"s gold ID bracelet, and she could feel him instinctively rub his thumb back and forth over the word "Forever" engraved on the bracelet.
With his gaze fixed out on the ocean, Todd squinted his eyes against the brilliant blue. Turning back to face Christy, he looked directly at her. Now the brilliant blue was in his eyes.
"Kilikina, I made a decision." He paused. "You know that letter you showed me last night in the van? I opened it when I got home. It was from a mission organization. You see. I wrote to them last summer and sent in an application for a short-term mission a.s.signment. Three to four years. They wrote back to tell me I was accepted. They want me there in two weeks."
For Christy, it was as if the whole world had just stopped. She couldn"t hear the waves or feel the ocean breeze on her face. All she heard were Todd"s words frozen in the air between them. She couldn"t think or feel or breathe.
"I was pretty amazed," Todd went on. "Everything appears to be set up and ready for me to walk right into the position after the training. It"s what I"ve always wanted to do."
Christy could feel the numbing effect of Todd"s words begin to thaw. As it did, she felt as if a thousand needles were piercing her heart.
Todd took a deep breath. He let go of Christy"s hand and turned to face her more squarely. He leaned closer and said, "I prayed all night. I didn"t sleep at all. When I thought about leaving you, it tore me up inside. When I thought about staying, I had peace. That"s how I knew what my decision was. I"m going to call them on Monday and tell them I can"t take the position."
"You"re going to what?" Christy couldn"t believe she had heard correctly.
"I"m turning it down. I can"t go now. Not with us being so close. A year ago I could have gone. Six months ago, maybe. But not now. It"s like I told you at Disneyland, I"ve never had anybody. Now I have you. I don"t take that lightly. You are G.o.d"s gift to me. Kilikina. I can"t leave you. Not now. Not ever."
Christy closed her eyes and caught her breath. Her heart was pounding wildly. This whole conversation seemed like a bizarre dream. She tried to take in all that Todd had said. She felt relieved that he had made his decision based on what would be best for them. She couldn"t bear the thought of being separated from him any more than he apparently could stand the idea of being away from her. But did he mean it deep down inside?
"Todd, are you absolutely sure? You"ve always wanted to be a missionary."
"And I"ve always wanted-" Todd paused, searching for the right words-"well, I"ve always wanted other things too."
"Todd, are you sure you want to give up this opportunity?" Christy asked, looking him in the eye.
"Yes, I"m sure."
"And you"re giving it up because of me or because of us?"
A smile crept onto Todd"s face, causing his dimple to appear on his right cheek. Christy had never seen him look so vulnerable. "Yes. because of you, because of us. You mean more to me than anything, Kilikina." Then he leaned over and kissed her.
When he drew away, Christy could taste the salt on her lips. She had tasted the salt of her own tears before, but she wasn"t prepared for the taste of ocean water in his kiss. It seemed different than any of Todd"s other kisses. This had a bit of a sting to it.
"Come on," Todd said, standing up and offering Christy his hand. "Let"s get some breakfast. We have the whole day to spend together. What would you like to do?"
Christy rose to her feet and brushed the sand off her backside. "I don"t know. Give me a minute here. This whole thing has. .h.i.t me by surprise. First, I imagined all the possible things that could be bothering you, then you tell me you"ve been offered a position with a mission for three to four years, and then you say you"re not going. It"s a bit much for me to digest in one bite."
"You"re right," Todd said. "I had all night to think it over. I feel so relieved that I told you. I wasn"t going to. I was going to act like I"d never received the letter. I"m glad I told you."
Christy couldn"t exactly say the same.
When they reached Bob and Marti"s, Todd hosed off his board and wet suit and left them to dry on the patio.
"Do you think Bob would mind if I borrowed a pair of shorts and a T-shirt?" Todd indicated the stack of freshly laundered clothes lying on the dryer in the laundry room.
"I"m sure it would be fine; you know how easygoing Uncle Bob is."
Helping himself to a pair of khaki shorts and a white T-shirt, Todd went into the downstairs bathroom to shower and change.
Apparently Bob and Marti weren"t up yet. The house was still quiet. Christy noticed it was almost eight o"clock.
Todd emerged from the bathroom and joined Christy in the kitchen. "Do you want to eat here or go out?"
"Let"s stay here," Christy suggested. "Does cereal sound okay?" She pulled two boxes from the cupboard.
"Sure." Todd opened the refrigerator and pulled out a gallon of milk. "Is it okay if we eat by the TV?"
"I guess," Christy said.
"Didn"t you grow up watching Sat.u.r.day morning cartoons while you ate your cereal?"
"No, we weren"t allowed to eat in the living room."
"Must be one of the advantages of being an only child raised by one parent who was never home. There weren"t too many things I wasn"t allowed to do."
Christy and Todd carefully carried their cereal bowls into the den and switched on the TV with the volume low so they wouldn"t wake anyone up. Christy finished eating first and placed her empty bowl on the floor. Then she grabbed one of her grandmother"s crocheted blankets out of the basket by the wall and stretched out on the plush love seat. She curled up with a pillow under her head. With heavy eyelids and a heart full of emotions, Christy tried to pay attention to the cartoon while listening to Todd"s rhythmic crunch of cereal. Before long, Todd"s crunching ceased, and Christy gave in to the sleep dust that had collected on her eyelids. She couldn"t possibly keep her eyes open when her lids weighed so much.
Aunt Marti"s voice woke Christy some time later. Christy lifted her still-groggy head and looked around for Marti"s location. She was standing directly behind the love seat. "How long have you two been sleeping here?" Marti wanted to know.
"I don"t know," Christy mumbled. She noticed Todd was asleep too, stretched out on the couch. He had slept through Marti"s entrance.
"Shh," Christy said, pressing her finger to her lips. "He didn"t get much sleep last night."
"And why was that?"
"It"s a long story," Christy said.
"Could it be because he never went home last night?"
"Aunt Marti!" Christy said sharply. "He didn"t stay here all night. We both got up early because Todd went surfing while I watched him. We came in a little while ago, and I guess we were both super tired."
"Oh," Marti said with a twittering laugh. "Then by all means, don"t let me bother you. I"ll turn off the TV so you can get some more sleep."
The minute the sound went off, Todd opened his eyes. "What"s going on?"
Christy thought it was funny. She had seen her dad respond the same way. As long as the TV was on, he could snore away, sound asleep in his recliner. The minute the TV was turned off, he would wake up.
"Go back to sleep," Marti said. "Would you like a blanket?"
"No, I"m fine." Todd sat up and ran his fingers through the sides of his hair. "Man, I really conked out."
"It"s only ten-thirty." Marti said. "Why don"t you sleep some more? It"s Sat.u.r.day, you know."
"We must have slept for two hours! Did you sleep too. Christy?"
"I think I fell asleep before you did," she said, yawning and sticking her bare feet out from under the crocheted blanket.
"Well, as long as you"re both up, would you like to join Robert and me for a leisurely brunch?"
Twenty-five minutes later, Christy and Todd were following Bob and Marti through the buffet line at a nearby resort hotel and loading their plates with a variety of fancy foods. To be specific, Todd was loading his plate. Christy was picking and choosing carefully. She didn"t feel hungry. Instead, she felt more like she had an upset stomach. When she sat down to eat, she realized her queasy stomach was because of Todd"s letter and his turning down the opportunity.
Christy lifted her fork to her mouth and bit into a ripe strawberry. Swallowing the small bite, she licked her lips. They tasted salty.
She took another bite of the strawberry, fully expecting it to taste sweet this time. Again, it tasted salty. Was it the strawberry? Or was it the acid from her grumbling stomach tainting the strawberry?
Todd"s news had been unsettling. But when Christy considered the alternative, his decision was good news. She should be happy. Relieved. Delighted.
She tried to silently pray and ask G.o.d to give her His peace the way Todd said he had peace. Even though Todd seemed settled with his decision, she wondered if one day he might resent her for holding him back from his dream. On the other hand, would Christy end up resenting G.o.d if someday He took Todd away?
"Bob said he would go with me to the men"s prayer breakfast on Tuesday morning," Todd said enthusiastically. "Did I tell you that?"
Their weekend together had flown by, and Todd and Christy were now chugging down the freeway on their way to Christy"s house.
"I think my aunt enjoyed church this morning a little more than she did a couple weeks ago. At least she wasn"t as critical. Uncle Bob said he liked it," Christy said. Her voice quavered as they went over a rough spot on the freeway. Gus pa.s.sed every b.u.mp along to his pa.s.sengers. "You have a great church. I think they would be comfortable there, if they decided to be involved."
"Hopefully not too comfortable," Todd said. "We want them to squirm when the reality of heaven and h.e.l.l is presented. They need to get saved, not just churched."
Christy agreed. They drove on down the freeway, each enveloped in private thoughts. It had been a difficult weekend for Christy ever since Todd had made his announcement on the beach. Todd seemed normal, relaxed, and content. Christy hadn"t yet found the peace he had.
Last night her sleep had been spa.r.s.e. What little sleep she did get was punctuated by fitful dreams. The worst was a nightmare she had had once before, and in that same room.
It was during the summer of the year she gave her heart to the Lord, just before she had made that big decision. She had dreamed she was in the ocean and seaweed had become tangled around her legs and in her hair, pulling her farther and farther down to the bottom of the ocean. That"s when the dream had ended the first time.
But last night it had kept going. She had struggled against the seaweed, pulling and kicking. But she rapidly ran out of air. Then she had heard a voice say, "Let go." She relaxed, and immediately she was released. Her body had floated to the surface, where she drew in the sweet, fresh air.
Christy didn"t know what it meant.
Maybe what"s bothering me is that we haven"t talked about the prom. I have to know by tomorrow since the prom is only two weeks away. Once we decide, I"ll feel more settled and secure.
Christy tried to think of how to bring up the subject. She could talk to Todd about anything. Why did she feel so tongue-tied about this?
Todd talked a little about school ending next week for him and how he needed to find a summer job. "I might even take a cla.s.s or two in summer school since I"m not going anywhere."
Christy thought she detected a hint of sadness or disappointment in his voice. But then summer school never sounded interesting to Christy.
Anxious to keep the plans for their future together headed in a positive direction, Christy said. "I feel relieved about finally deciding to go to Palomar in the fall. I"ll still be at home, which will save money. I"ll still work at the pet store, and we"ll have lots of time to spend together. I think Katie"s going to Palomar too."
"Cool," Todd said calmly. "It"s going to be great being together this summer, isn"t it? Long, sunny days on the beach."
Suddenly Todd turned off the freeway. "I have an idea. Let"s go down to the beach and watch the sunset. If we hurry, we can make it."
He turned right and then left and then left again as if he knew where he was going. Todd had told Christy before that there was a favorite spot for surfers somewhere along here.
They pulled into San Clemente State Beach and stopped at the small booth where a uniformed park ranger checked cars in and out. Fees were posted on the window for day use, camping, etc.
"How much will it cost for us to go down and watch the sunset?" Todd asked.
The ranger pushed up his wire-rimmed gla.s.ses and glanced at Todd, then smiled at Christy. "For you two, how about free?"
"Cool," Todd said.
"Here, let me give you a half hour pa.s.s. Stick it on your window."
"Thanks." Todd gave the ranger a Hawaiian surfer "hang loose" gesture. The ranger returned the universal sign, and Gus puttered into the campground.
"This is a great place to go camping," Todd observed.
"We should get a bunch of us together this summer and rent a spot for a week."
"Sounds like fun." Christy said.
"We could have a huge campout the last week of summer. Surf all day. Sing around the campfire at night. Wouldn"t that be great! We could call it Summer Fall Out."
Christy had to smile at Todd"s enthusiasm. He was definitely a visionary. Yet she wondered if he wasn"t trying a little too hard to speak their future into being, to plan his own adventures to take the place of the ones he would have had in Papua New Guinea.