"G.o.d is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in G.o.d and G.o.d lives in us . . . There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-fear of death, fear of judgment-is one not yet fully formed in love.
"We, though, are going to love-love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first."
It"s so true. G.o.d loved us first. He keeps pouring out His love on us and teaching us how to love others the way He loves. And His perfect love casts out all fear. That"s how it says it in the translation of the Bible that I have.
I think about how afraid I was of so many things for a long time. I look back on the things I worried about with Todd and how I was afraid I"d never see him again when he left for Hawai"i and then for Spain.
I know this isn"t exactly what those verses are talking about in 1 John, but in a lot of ways it applies to how things were inside of me. My love wasn"t fully formed yet, neither my love for G.o.d nor for Todd. And I know they aren"t fully mature yet. But Todd and I are so much further along than we were five years ago or even five months ago. Our love for each other keeps growing and as it does, I find I don"t have any of those old fears. They"re gone. For me it"s becoming the same way with G.o.d. The more I"m growing in my love for Him, the more I know Him and trust Him. I feel G.o.d"s love for me more now, and it"s growing stronger the longer I"m a Christian. It really is a relationship because it keeps growing and changing.
Father G.o.d, You have been so good to me. Thank You for loving me. I want to love You more.
September 6
h.e.l.lo, Silent Sister.
My husband is driving me crazy! Can I just say that here and you won"t tell anyone how frustrated I am at the moment?
It"s a stupid thing, really. We had this argument about how he leaves his bath towel on the floor after he uses it. He expects me to pick it up and put it in the laundry, and then when it"s all nice, fresh, clean, and dry, I"m supposed to hang it on the towel rack.
Where did he get that idea? Why can"t he hang it on the towel rack or put it in the dirty clothes basket himself? Why is it that every time I use the bathroom, I have to trip over one of his wadded up towels?
I tried to talk to him about this before he left this morning, and he said I was too "hormonal." WHAT!? Since when did he start telling me I was being "hormonal"?
I"m so mad at him!
And I"m mad at myself, too, because I know later, when I think about this, my response is going to seem petty and ridiculous. The towel part, that is. Not the part about his saying I"m hormonal. That has to be the worst word in the whole English language. Is it even in the dictionary? I"m going to look it up.
But first I seriously need some chocolate. I hope we have some brownies left. Oh, yeah. So, I made them last night when I got home from work, and Todd started to devour them before we even had dinner. He kept saying thank you for making them, as if no one ever made brownies for him before.
I guess no one ever has.
That doesn"t mean I"m not still mad at him about his incurable towel habit and the insensitive comment.
Katie once said that Todd was "detail impaired." She was right. I think she described him that way when he had the shopping list for the youth group trip and I put down "two dozen wire coat hangers." He decided to buy two plastic coat hangers instead. Needless to say, no one could roast marshmallows that night at the campfire with only two plastic coat hangers!
Marshmallows sound good right now. I wonder if we have any?
October 21
Hey there, Silent Sister.
The Katie-and-Rick saga is getting interesting. Rick"s roommate, Eli, was over the other night, and he was talking to Todd and me about Katie-what a great personality she has and how he doesn"t think Rick realizes what a great person she is.
Eli and Todd met each other back when Todd was in Spain, and Todd worked it out so that Eli could share Rick"s apartment now. They just live a few doors down from us, which is bizarre, but not really because this is a small town and this is the nicest apartment complex for the lowest rent.
Anyway, I told Todd after Eli left that I was pretty sure Eli has a crush on Katie. Todd gave me one of those half-grins like even if he knew something on that topic he wouldn"t be able to tell me because he would be betraying a trust.
The thing is, Katie and Rick are getting really serious about each other. At least I think they are. She and I haven"t had a heart-to-heart in quite awhile. It"s time for us to go to lunch.
It"s funny. Katie calls Eli "Goatee Guy." That"s what she dubbed him at our wedding.
Which reminds me. I never wrote down something that happened at our wedding that I don"t want to forget. Rick and Doug thought it would be clever to do some rearranging with our honeymoon luggage to make room for their "honeymoon survival kit." They took out my stack of letters that I had all ready to give to Todd with the lace ribbon tied around them and everything.
Katie found out, and she came dashing after our limo as we were leaving the reception. She screamed at the driver until he stopped, and then she tumbled into the limo and tried to discretely give me the letters so Todd wouldn"t know what was going on.
Believe me, I was so grateful! And so mad at Doug and Rick for being boys, I guess. They didn"t know what the letters were. Katie knew. Wonderful Katie. Where would I be without my favorite "Peculiar Treasure"?
She asked me when we got back from our honeymoon if I ever gave the letters to Todd, and I did. I gave them to him our second night on Maui. After we had dinner that night, he read them by candlelight on the front deck, or lanai, as they call it. The ocean stretched out before us, and in the distance was the island of Molokai with a few scattered lights along the sh.o.r.e.
When Todd and I were at Uncle Bob"s condo on my sixteenth birthday, he and I sat in the same place and talked about our relationship, such as it was at that point. Todd said it was like the lights on Molokai that were so far away that we couldn"t make out what they were. Todd said we needed just to keep moving forward in our relationship, toward the light, so to speak. He said the closer we got the clearer it would become, and we"d know what we should do.
And there we were, on our honeymoon, on the same deck, looking out across the ocean at the same lights, and Todd was reading all the letters I"d written to him over the years. It was a perfect moment. Perfect.
Todd cried. I cried.
I"m so glad I wrote those letters. I"m so glad Katie ran after the limo. I"m so glad Todd didn"t laugh at the letters or at me. He does that sometimes. He laughs at things I say or do, and it bugs me so much because I"m not trying to be funny. But that"s Todd. That is totally Todd. It always has been. I love that man. And I"m pretty sure I will always love him. Forever. Sigh.
April 2
I found you, Silent Sister!
I have no idea how you ended up on the floor, behind the bed"s headboard. I seriously thought you had been stolen. Do you know how many times I searched for you? That"s one of the disadvantages of your being a "Silent" Sister. You never called out from behind the headboard to tell me where you had gotten stuck.
I"m glad you"re back. No worse for the hiding, I hope. But you are running out of pages. What am I going to do when you fill up, too, the way my Dear Silent Friend filled up? Maybe I"ll have to go back to Italy to buy a twin sister where I bought you.
Wouldn"t that be nice? Man, that seems so long ago. Like another lifetime. So much has changed.
I just sat here and read everything I wrote in this extended journal, and I"m amazed. Stunned, really, at all that I"ve recorded over the years. So much has happened.
One thing that I realized, as I was reading, is that G.o.d has been so good to me all the way through. I can see His leading in the way a lot of things have happened in my life. There are so many G.o.d-things. I know that when I wrote a lot of the diary entries, I couldn"t see G.o.d"s hand at all. But now that I look back, I can see where He was protecting me or directing me, but I didn"t realize what was going on.
I heard someone at work the other day say, "Make sure you do it with love. Only what is done in love will last."
I"ve been thinking about that. Love, G.o.d"s love, endures. It covers a mult.i.tude of sins. That"s a verse isn"t it? I just looked it up. It is. First Peter 4:8, "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a mult.i.tude of sins."
A year ago right now I was panicked about preparing everything for the wedding while trying to finish college. I can"t believe it was a year ago. Now it feels as if Todd and I have been married forever. Well, maybe not forever, but for much longer than eleven months.
In some ways both of us have had to grow up a lot. We"ve had to figure out a bunch of stuff like our finances. Every month there"s enough to pay all our bills, and that"s definitely a miracle. It never seems as if we"re going to have enough, but we always do.
Todd is adamant about giving back to G.o.d off the top from both our paychecks. And not just the ten percent t.i.the like it talks about in the Bible. He says that as a family we"re going to always give a t.i.the and offerings. So we give generously, and somehow (it"s G.o.d"s provision, I"m sure), there"s enough every month. I knew living with Todd would stretch my faith, and it has.
The other thing about marriage that I didn"t expect is how long it takes us to talk things through sometimes. I can"t believe how many minor arguments we"ve had and how long it takes to resolve them. We"re getting better at it, though. We"re getting better at arguing, at expressing ourselves, and at loving each other more. I guess in some ways it feels as if we just met a few weeks ago because we both keep saying, "I didn"t know that about you."
Strange. How can it feel as if we"ve been married for twenty years, and at the same time feel as if we just met? I don"t know. But it does. I love Todd. I love being married to Todd. (Even if he STILL leaves his wet bath towel on the floor. Sometimes. Not all the time now. About twenty percent of the time. And I still don"t remember to close the kitchen cupboards all the way, which drives Todd crazy. But I"m getting better.) Katie said that Todd and I are knit together at the heart. I think we are.
Now, as far as Katie being knit together at the heart with Rick . . . not happening. She"s going to graduate in a few weeks. I"m really hoping she"ll get some clarity as to what to do next. I guess instead of hoping, I need to pray more for her.
April 28
h.e.l.lo Dear Silent Sister, Todd"s position at the church where he works has been a bit unstable. I"m trying not to be nervous that he"ll be laid off or at least have his hours cut. I know that G.o.d always works these things out. Who was it that said worry was like a rocking chair? It keeps you busy, but you don"t get anywhere.
May 19
h.e.l.lo, my Silent Sister.
So it looks as if Katie will move in with us. Just for a little while until her apartment is ready. And what apartment is that, you may ask? Why, it"s the same apartment that Rick and Eli shared and are both moving out of. Katie will be just a few doors down. I"d be more excited about that, I think, if things were more stable for us and if Katie had any idea at all what she"s going to do for a job.
Our one-year anniversary is in a few days. I really had hoped that Todd and I could do something extra fun like take the day off and go to the beach, just the two of us. It"s not looking very promising. I"ve thought about it a lot and decided not to get my hopes up. If it doesn"t work out, we can still have a really nice time celebrating here. I"ll make a big dinner for us and light candles and make it extra special. We don"t have to go away. We just have to be together.
I"m going to have to ask Katie to find someone to hang out with that night, but I need to do it in a nice way because she"s been acting pretty "hormonal" lately. And yes, I can"t believe I just wrote that about Katie because I can"t stand it whenever Todd has said that about me. (He doesn"t say it anymore. I let my feelings be known on that one awhile ago, and I think he heard me.) But seriously, Katie has been bouncing all over the place.
Her graduation last week was extra special because both her parents came. I didn"t think they would so I persuaded Uncle Bob and Aunt Marti to come as well as Doug and Tracy. They had Danny Boy with them, and oh, is he a cutie! He"s a really active little baby. He wants to see what"s going on all the time.
It was good to see Doug and Tracy and get a chance to catch up. We promised each other we would connect again next month. Everyone is so busy all the time now.
It makes it nearly impossible to find a time when everyone can get together. But we"ll figure it out. We have to. I don"t want to be out of touch with our Forever Friends. We"ve spent too many years together to drift away from each other.
After Katie"s graduation ceremony last week, Todd and I drove her to a celebration at Rick"s parents" house, and I gave her my present in the car. She said she really liked it.
I didn"t tell her how long it took me to put it together. It was a sc.r.a.pbook. I searched for as many old photos of the two of us as I could find. Then I had them scanned and copied, and I put them in the alb.u.m. I think she really likes it. I hope she does.
She was in a wedding today and got this crazy idea to hide a dove in her bouquet and then release it at the end of the ceremony.
She went to Escondido and saw my old boss, Jon, at the pet store. I was so b.u.mmed when she told me because I would have liked to go with her to see Jon. I can"t believe he still works there.
I"ll be eager to hear how her fine-feathered scheme turned out. Todd has a big meeting at church tonight to find out if he"s going to be full-time during the summer.
May 22
Sing with me, Sweet Silent Sis! Happy anniversary to us!
Can you believe it"s been a year that Todd and I have been married? And can you believe it"s been two years since I found you in the cute shop in Rome and brought you along for our splendid European adventure? You have been the best of bests.
And speaking of bests, not last night but the night before-sounds like a rhyme we used to chant when I would jump rope with Paula when we were kids-we had a crazy night.
First of all, the day before that, Katie moved in with us, and Todd found out the church was going to continue his contract for full-time through the summer. Eli moved out of his apartment. Rick moved to Redlands-I think it was Redlands. He"s opening another restaurant, and he needed to be closer.
So two nights ago Katie was here, feeling very low, and I was trying to cheer her up when Todd came home. He"d been helping Eli move some of his furniture.
Katie was beyond b.u.mmed that Eli was leaving for Kenya in the morning. It was like she just discovered him after being on campus with him all school year and not really taking his interest in her seriously. I told her she should call him and tell him good-bye. Then, I don"t know if it was Todd or me, but one of us reminded her of how she always wanted to go to Africa. I don"t know what happened, but something seemed to break open inside her.
Within a few hours she packed up everything related to her life here and resolved to go to Kenya. We drove her to the airport, and she and Eli connected, and they boarded a plane. I guess. We haven"t heard from her so I don"t know exactly how everything turned out.
When Todd and I were driving home at six in the morning, we kept saying to each other, "That was a G.o.d-thing, right? It wasn"t too random, was it? We didn"t push her into anything, did we?"
I don"t think we did. With someone else, possibly we could have pressed too much. But this is Katie. Independent, spontaneous Katie. Somehow it all seemed to fit.
So now we don"t have Katie living with us, nor will she be moving into the apartment down the way.
Todd said this morning that, if I didn"t mind, he"d like to spend our anniversary here in our apartment, just the two of us. Nice and quiet.