I didn"t know what he was talking about but I remember feeling panicky as if something was wrong. Todd and I went on a long ride on the river paddleboat and we talked for a long time under the stars. He told me about his childhood and how I was the first person who cared so deeply and consistently for him in his whole life.
I"m crying again now as I remember his face. It was only a year ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I"ve been laying here on my bed, looking at this picture of Todd and thinking that if what he and I had was only for a season, it was worth all the ups and downs and joys and heartaches. Knowing Todd Spencer was a precious, peculiar gift from G.o.d. I guess I wanted it to last forever, just like the inscription on the bracelet he gave me.
But even that bracelet is gone now, too. Todd has it. Or maybe he"s sold it or given it to someone else. I have no way of knowing. He doesn"t write to any of us from the old gang.
Doug is coming over tonight and he"s taking me out to dinner as a belated celebration for my birthday. Doug is such a good friend. I appreciate him. We just hang out together and talk. He doesn"t mind if I talk about Todd. Sometimes I remember fun things Todd and I did and Doug jumps in and tells me stories of funny things that happened when he was hanging out with Todd, before I met either of them.
Okay, I"ve stopped crying now. I think I needed to have one last final good-bye cry over Todd. I need to put away all my memories of him so I can move on. The torture for me is wondering if he"s thinking of me. Did he forget about me right away? Has he met someone *else? Does he ever sit and look at an old picture of me and cry a little too?
I guess I"ll never know.
A few days ago I was reading in 2 Samuel 12 about how King David was in deep mourning when his baby was sick and dying. Then when the child died, he "got up, washed his face, went out and worshipped G.o.d." Everyone asked why he went back to life as usual after being so upset.
I underlined what David said. I know it doesn"t exactly apply to me and Todd, but it helped me a lot.
"Can I bring him back again? I will go to him but he will not return to me."
I know that meant that David would one day go to heaven and be with his child because the baby couldn"t come back to earth to be with him. But it helped me to think that there"s nothing I can do to bring Todd back into my world. We"ll be together forever in heaven! I actually find a strange peace and hope in that promise of G.o.d.
All I know is that for now, I need to get up, wash my face and go out with Doug tonight. And maybe it"s time for Doug and me to talk about something other than Todd.
August 7
You won"t believe this, DSF!
Katie got a speeding ticket today! She had just dropped me off at home and was hurrying to get to her house before her latest favorite TV show started. (I don"t remember the name of the show, but I should since she keeps telling me to watch it and I haven"t watched it yet.) She was pulled over four blocks from her house and she told the officer she was sorry and she asked him to forgive her for breaking the law! Doesn"t that sound like Katie?
She said he looked at her funny and said, "Apology accepted. I"m still writing you a ticket." Then Katie said, "By all means, write the ticket. I deserve it. And I appreciate the fact that you are making sure that Escondido is a safe place for us to live and drive."
Then you won"t believe what happened. The officer ordered her out of the car and made her take a sobriety test! She pa.s.sed, of course, and wisely decided to stop trying to carry on a pleasant conversation with him. She took the ticket and got home in time for the last 10 minutes of the show.
Never a dull moment with Katie! How boring my life would be without her.
December 1
Happy Thanksgiving, DSF!
Thanksgiving was actually last weekend, but I"m about a week behind on everything lately. When it comes to checking in with you, I"m more like a few months behind. The end of the summer zoomed by and then I started cla.s.ses at the community college and it"s been nonstop with work and homework and Doug. Doug and I are sort of going out now. About a month ago he and I had a long talk and he said it would help him if he knew where he stood with me. I told him there weren"t any other guys in my life and there hadn"t been for many months. I think he was a.s.suming that I was hanging out more with the college group from my church since so many of them go to the same community college I go to. I do hang out with them all the time at school and on weekends, but I"m not really close to any of the guys in the group.
So Doug asked if we should consider ourselves as going together. It was hard for me to answer right away because all I could think about was Todd. I know. I need to stop that. But a year ago Todd and I had the same sort of conversation when we were on the houseboat at Lake Shasta. Todd and I decided we wanted to take the next step of commitment in our relationship, which meant letting people know that we were together.
It was so different when Doug and I talked about it. There wasn"t anything romantic about any of it. We were in the cab of his truck, sitting in the driveway and my feet were cold because we"d gone ice-skating and my feet were still wet. The ice-skating was VERY fun! Doug is a great skater and ice-skating is about the only sport I can do sort of okay. We had so much fun! I think that"s why Doug decided to have the "going together" conversation when we got home. Holding hands and skating together was a lot cozier than how things usually are when we get together.
I pushed the warm memories of Todd away and told Doug yes.
Life can be strange and wonderful and mysterious all at the same time, don"t you think? But still, I"m wondering . . . do you think I did the right thing?
December 11
Is this wacky or what, DSF?
We"re going to England! Do you want to come, too? I"ll bring you, I promise. Doug organized this short-term missions trip for a bunch of us and we"re going in about two weeks! I have so much to do before then.
At this point it"s only me and Doug and Katie and Tracy. There might be some more people from the G.o.d Lovers Bible Study who end up coming. I"m so excited! Doug said we"ll be staying in an old castle in northern England for our training during the first week. That part will definitely be a dream come true for me. I"ve always wanted to go to Europe and I"ve always wanted to stay in a castle.
Doug told me about a school in Switzerland that is connected with an orphanage in Basel. I applied to go there last month but I wasn"t accepted. I was pretty disappointed, but then Doug found out about this mission in England and he pulled the whole trip together.
I got one of my Christmas cards returned today. It was the card I sent to Alissa. Remember her? I sent it to her grandmother"s address in Boston and it came back saying "no longer at this address." I prayed for her for a long time today. I hope everything is going well in her life. The last time I heard from her was a year ago at Christmas. I really haven"t been very good about writing to her. I guess I shouldn"t be so critical of Todd never writing. I sent a Christmas card to his dad"s address in Newport Beach. The card didn"t come back, but I have no idea if Todd ever received it.
January 8
Buckle up, Dear Silent Friend!
The adventure begins! I"m on the plane now, between Doug and Katie, and we are actually flying to England. I still can"t believe this. I feel as if everything in my life has been rushing past me these last few months, and I"m caught up in the current.
My dad was right in urging me to make some decisions about the future. I don"t know if I like being grown-up. And when did that happen, anyhow? I must be grown-up if I"m on my way to England. I can"t believe I"m in college. Sometimes I feel so independent, and other times I wish I could go back to the simpler days when I would spend the whole day lying on the beach, doing nothing but watch Todd surf. Oops. I did it again; I mentioned the "T" word. I wasn"t going to do that anymore.
January 11 or 12 (Not sure, exactly!)
I"m back, DSF.
I got interrupted before and I didn"t want anyone "eavesdropping" on what I was telling you.
We"re on a train on our way to Lancashire, which is somewhere in northwest England. Everyone is asleep but me. I love the countryside, even though it"s all shrouded with a winter frost. I"m warm and cozy inside this comfortable train. If we make our connection in Manchester, we should arrive at Carnforth Hall before dinner and in time for the opening meeting of our outreach training.
How can I describe London? What a huge, ancient, modern, bustling, polite, quaint, crowded, exhausting city! Two days were not enough to make its acquaintance. We did finally see the crown jewels at the Tower of London, like Katie wanted, and it was pretty interesting. My favorite part was climbing to the top of St. Paul"s Cathedral and looking down on the city. St. Paul"s is such an incredible church. I"ve never been inside a huge church like that before, and it makes me feel full of reverence and awe.
I found these words etched on stone at a church we visited in London. I don"t remember which church. I didn"t write that down when I copied this: "May G.o.d grant to the living, grace; to the departed, rest; to the church and the world, peace and concord; and to us sinners, eternal life." To that, I want to say amen.
January 13
Dear Silent Friend, Katie has been changing before my eyes. At first she was so impetuous about everything. Is that the right word? In London she seemed loud and determined and kind of rude. But then she said she saw the way she was acting and she wanted to change. And you know what? She did. She went from being freaked out about all the cultural changes to being open and intrigued and eager to learn. I wish I could be that teachable.
There"s a girl on our team named Sierra. Isn"t that a pretty name? I like it. I like her, too. She"s every inch an individual and free spirit. It"s funny how I"m always so in awe of people who have that kind of personality. Katie and Sierra are both the kind of people who aren"t afraid to show their emotions. I wish I could be more like them.
January 14
Yes, I know what day it is, DSF.
And maybe that"s why I just had to check in and tell you what I"m feeling. It"s Todd"s birthday and I can"t even send him a card because I don"t know where he is. Do you know it"s been over eight months since I last saw Todd or heard anything from him? It"s like he disappeared. I imagine he"s in a jungle somewhere on some remote island right now. I can see him sleeping in a hammock every night, shaking coconuts from the trees for his breakfast and loving every minute of it.
I miss him. But I"m happy for him that he"s doing what he always wanted to do. At least I think I"m happy for him. I would also probably be mad at him for disappearing, if it weren"t for the fact that my emotions are all rather occupied at the moment.
I had a long talk with Doug on this little bridge on the grounds here at Carnforth Castle and we both realized that we weren"t really supposed to be "together." I don"t know why it took so long for all of us to figure that out. It never was like there was anything extra special between us. Sierra even suggested to Tracy that she and Doug would make a great pair and Katie had to tell Sierra that Doug and I were going together! That"s when I realized that if people didn"t realize we were together then maybe we didn"t want them to know for some reason. Maybe we were going through the motions and our hearts weren"t in it. The chemistry wasn"t there beyond just a close friend level.
Doug said something like I was a goal and once he got me he didn"t know why it was so important to him. That wasn"t what he said, but that"s how I interpreted it. The thing is, Tracy has been patiently waiting for him for a very long time. They"re together now and that"s as it should be.
So happy birthday, Todd, wherever you are. I miss you.
January 19
Do you feel the b.u.mpety-b.u.mp of the train track, DSF?
We"re on our way to Spain. Just you and me. Well, and Jesus, too. The mission director asked me at the last minute if I would come here and I don"t know why I said yes. I was all set to go to Ireland with Katie and Doug and Tracy.
I think I know what I"d like to be when I grow up. Or should I say, what I think G.o.d would like me to be when I grow up. I"d like to be a missionary. Here. In Europe. I like working with children. Surely there"s some place that needs a missionary to tell the little kids about Jesus. Whatever it takes in schooling or training, I want to go after it wholeheartedly when I get home.
January 20
I"m still here on the train, DSF.
It"s been pretty scary traveling alone. I"ve felt G.o.d"s presence closer than ever before. But I still feel a little unsure of everything. I"ve been looking in my Bible for a verse to call my own. That"s what one of the guys on another team here told me to do. I like this one: ". . . We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done." (Psalm 78:4) This one is good, too: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O LORD my G.o.d, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." (Psalm 86:11-12) I really like that one in Psalm 86 and the part about an undivided heart because even though I don"t know what lies ahead, I know that I can trust G.o.d for whatever He has planned for me. And right now, that"s as comforting as a thick blanket wrapped around me on this cold winter morning.
January 22
Do you hear that, DSF?
It"s a sound I"m beginning to love. It"s the sound of the ocean breeze in the tall palm trees outside where I"m staying here in Castelldefels. It sounds like the trees are clapping. They"ve been clapping ever since I arrived at the train station. I wish you could have seen what happened. But how could you? I had you zipped up inside my bag. When we got off the train did you hear a certain deep voice call out "Kilikina!"? And did you hear me cry out with shock and joy, "TODD!"