Versicles were then chanted responsively by the monks, who, forming in procession, moved towards the choir, where we all prostrated ourselves in silent prayer.
After this they conducted me to the great hall of the cloister, where all the brotherhood bestowed on me the kiss of peace.
Once more I knelt before the prior, who reminded me that he who persevereth to the end shall be saved; and gave me over to the direction of the preceptor, whom the new Vicar-General Staupitz has ordered to be appointed to each novice.
Thus the first great ceremony of my monastic life is over, and it has left me with a feeling of blank and disappointment. It has made no change that I can feel in my heart. It has not removed the world further off from me. It has only raised another impa.s.sable barrier between me and all that was dearest to me;--impa.s.sable as an ocean without ships, infrangible as the strongest iron, I am determined my _will_ shall make it; but to my _heart_, alas! thin as gossamer, since every faintest, wistful tone of love, which echoes from the past, can penetrate it and pierce me with sorrow.
My preceptor is very strict in enforcing the rules order. Trespa.s.ses against the rules are divided into four cla.s.ses,--small, great, greater, and greatest, to each of which is a.s.signed a different degree of penance. Among the smaller are, failing to go to church as soon as the sign is given, forgetting to touch the ground instantly with the hand and to smite the breast if in reading in the choir or in singing the least error is committed; looking about during the service; omitting prostration at the Annunciation or at Christmas; neglecting the benediction in coming in or going out; failing to return books or garments to their proper places; dropping food; spilling drink; forgetting to say grace before eating. Among the great trespa.s.ses are: contending, breaking the prescribed silence at fasts, and looking at women, or speaking to them, except in brief replies.
The minute rules are countless. It is difficult at first to learn the various genuflexions, inclinations, and prostrations. The novices are never allowed to converse except in presence of the prior, are forbidden to take any notice of visitors, are enjoined to walk with downcast eyes, to read the Scriptures diligently, to bow low in receiving every gift, and say, "The Lord be praised in his gifts."
How Brother Martin, with his free, bold, daring nature, bore those minute restrictions, I know not. To me there is a kind of dull, deadening relief in them, they distract my thoughts, or prevent my thinking.
Yet it must be true, my obedience will aid my kindred more than all my toil could ever have done whilst disobediently remaining in the world.
It is not a selfish seeking of my own salvation and ease which has brought me here, whatever some may think and say, as they did of Martin Luther. I think of that ship in the picture at Magdeburg he so often told me of. Am I not in it,--actually _in_ it _now_? and shall I not hereafter, when my strength is recovered from the fatigue of reaching it, hope to lean over and stretch out my arms to them, still struggling in the waves of this bitter world? and save them!
Save them; yes, save their souls! Did not my vow save precious lives?
And shall not my fastings, vigils, disciplines, prayers be as effectual for their souls? And, then, hereafter, in heaven, where those dwell who, in virgin purity, have followed the Lamb, shall I not lean over the jasper-battlements and help them from Purgatory up the steep sides of Paradise, and be first at the gate to welcome them in! And then, in Paradise, where love will no longer be in danger of becoming sin, may we not be together for ever and for ever? And then, shall I regret that I abandoned the brief polluted joys of earth for the pure joys of eternity? Shall I lament _then_ that I chose, according to my vocation, to suffer apart from them that their souls might be saved, rather than to toil with them for the perishing body?
Then! _then!_ I, a saint in the City of G.o.d! I, a hesitating, sinful novice in the Augustinian monastery at Erfurt, who, after resisting for years, have at last yielded up my body to the cloister, but have no more power than ever to yield up my heart to G.o.d!
Yet I am _in_ the sacred vessel; the rest will surely follow. Do all monks have such a conflict? No doubt the Devil fights hard for every fresh victim he loses. It is, it must be, the Devil who beckons me through those dear faces, who calls me through those familiar voices; for _they_ would never call me back. They would hide their pain, and say, "Go to G.o.d, if he calls thee; leave us and go to G.o.d." Else, my mother, all would say that; if their hearts broke in trying to say it!
Had Martin Luther such thoughts in this very cell? If they are from the Evil One, I think he had, for his a.s.saults are strongest against the n.o.blest; and yet I scarcely think he can have had such weak doubts as these which haunt me. He was not one of those who draw back to perdition; nor even of those who, having put their hand to the plough, _look_ back, as I, alas! am so continually doing. And what does the Scripture say of such?--"They are not fit for the kingdom of G.o.d." No exception, no reserve--monk, priest, saint; if a man _look_ back, he is not fit for the kingdom of G.o.d. Then what becomes of my hopes of Paradise, or of acquiring merits which may aid others? _Turn back_, draw back, I will _never_, although all the devils were to drive me, or all the world entice me, but _look_ back, who can help that? If a look can kill, what can save? Mortification, crucifixion, not for a day, but daily;--I must die daily; I must be _dead_--dead to the world. This cell must to me be as a tomb, where all that was most living in my heart must die and be buried. Was it so to Martin Luther? Is the cloister that to those bands of rosy, comfortable monks, who drink beer from great cans, and feast on the best of the land, and fast on the choicest fish? The Tempter! the Tempter again! Judge not, and ye shall not be judged.
ST. EULALIA, ERFURT, _February_ 12, 1510.
To-day one of the older monks came to me, seeing me, I suppose, look downcast and sad, and said, "Fear not, Brother Sebastian, the strife is often hard at first; but remember the words of St. Jerome: "Though thy father should lie before thy door weeping and lamenting, though thy mother should show thee the body that bore thee, and the b.r.e.a.s.t.s that nursed thee, see that thou trample them under foot, and go on straightway to Christ.""
I bowed my head, according to rule, in acknowledgment of his exhortation, and I suppose he thought his words comforted and strengthened me; but Heaven knows the conflict they awakened in my heart when I sat alone to-night in my cell. "Cruel, bitter, wicked words!" my earthly heart would say; my sinful heart, that vigils, scourging, scarcely death itself, I fear, can kill. Surely, at least, the holy father Jerome spoke of heathen fathers and mothers. My mother would not show her anguish to win me back; she would say, "My son, my first-born, G.o.d bless thee; I give thee freely up to G.o.d." Does she not say so in this letter which I have in her handwriting,--which I have and dare not look at, because of the storm of memories it brings rushing on my heart?
Is there a word of reproach or remonstrance in her letter? If there were, I would read it; it would strengthen me. The saints had that to bear. It is because those holy, tender words echo in my heart, from a voice weak with feeble health, that day by day and hour by hour, my heart goes back to the home at Eisenach, and sees them toiling unaided in the daily struggle for bread, to which I have abandoned them, unsheltered and alone.
Then at times the thought comes, Am I, after all, a dreamer, as I have sometimes ventured to think my father,--neglecting my plain, daily task for some Atlantis? and if my Atlantis is in Paradise instead of beyond the ocean, does that make so much difference?
If Brother Martin were only here, he might understand and help me; but he has now been nearly two years at Wittemberg, where he is, they say, to lecture on theology at the Elector"s new university, and to be preacher. The monks seem nearly as proud of him as the University of Erfurt was.
Yet, perhaps, after all, he might _not_ understand my perplexities. His nature was so firm and straightforward and strong. He would probably have little sympathy with wavering hearts and troubled consciences like mine.
_March_ 7.--SS. PERPETUA AND FELICITAS.-- ERFURT, AUGUSTINIAN CLOISTER.
To-day I have been out on my first quest for alms. It seemed very strange at first to be begging at familiar doors, with the frock and the convent sack on my shoulders; but although I tottered a little at times under the weight as it grew heavy (for the plague and fasting have left me weak), I returned to the cloister feeling better and easier in mind, and more hopeful as to my vocation, than I had done for some days.
Perhaps, however, the fresh air had something to do with it, and, after all, it was only a little bodily exultation. But certainly such bodily loads and outward mortifications are not the burdens which weigh the spirit down. There seemed a luxury in the half-scornful looks of some of my former fellow-students, and in the contemptuous tossing to me of sc.r.a.ps of meat by some grudging hands; just as a tight pressure, which, in itself would be pain were we at ease, is relief to severe pain.
Perhaps, also, O holy Perpetua and Felicitas, whose day it is, and especially thou, O holy Perpetua, who, after encouraging thy sons to die for Christ, was martyred thyself, hast pleaded for my forsaken mother and for me, and sendest me this day some ray of hope.
ST. JOSEPH.--_March_ 19.-- AUGUSTINIAN CLOISTER, ERFURT.
St. Joseph, whom I have chosen to be one of the twenty-one patrons whom I especially honour, hear and aid me to-day. Thou whose glory it was to have no glory, but meekly to aid others to win their higher crowns, give me also some humble place on high; and not to me alone, but to those also whom I have left still struggling in the stormy seas of this perilous world.
Here, in the sacred calm of the cloister, surely at length the heart must grow calm, and cease to beat except with the life of the universal Church,--the feasts in the calendar becoming its events. But when will that be to me?
_March_ 20.
Has Brother Martin attained this repose yet? An aged monk sat with me in my cell yesterday, who told me strange tidings of him, which have given me some kind of bitter comfort.
It seems that the monastic life did not at once bring repose into his heart.
This aged monk was Brother Martin"s confessor, and he has also been given to me for mine. In his countenance there is such a peace as I long for;--not a still, death-like peace, as if he had fallen into it after the conflict; but a living, kindly peace, as if he had won it through the conflict, and enjoyed it even while the conflict lasted.
It does not seem to me that Brother Martin"s scruples and doubts were exactly like mine. Indeed, my confessor says that in all the years he has exercised his office, he has never found two troubled hearts troubled exactly alike.
I do not know that Brother Martin doubted his vocation, or looked back to the world; but he seems to have suffered agonies of inward torture.
His conscience was so quick and tender, that the least sin wounded him as if it had been the grossest crime. He invoked the saints most devoutly--choosing, as I have done from his example, twenty-one saints, and invoking three every day, so as to honour each every week. He read ma.s.s every day, and had an especial devotion for the blessed Virgin. He wasted his body with fastings and watching. He never intentionally violated the minutest rule of the order; and yet the more he strove, the more wretched he seemed to be. Like a musician whose ear is cultivated to the highest degree, the slightest discord was torture to him. Can it then be G.o.d"s intention that the growth of our spiritual life is only growing sensitiveness to pain? Is this true growth?--or is it that monstrous development of one faculty at the expense of others, which is deformity or disease?
The confessor said thoughtfully, when I suggested this--
"The world is out of tune, my son, and the heart is out of tune. The more our souls vibrate truly to the music of heaven, the more, perhaps, they must feel the discords of earth. At least it was so with Brother Martin; until at last, omitting a prostration or a genuflexion would weigh on his conscience like a crime. Once, after missing him for some time, we went to the door of his cell, and knocked. It was barred, and all our knocking drew no response. We broke open the door at last, and found him stretched senseless on the floor. We only succeeded in reviving him by strains of sacred music, chanted by the choristers, whom we brought to his cell. He always dearly loved music, and believed it to have a strange potency against the wiles of the devil."
"He must have suffered grievously," I said. "I suppose it is by such sufferings merit is acquired to aid others."
"He did suffer agonies of mind," replied the old monk. "Often he would walk up and down the cold corridors for nights together."
"Did nothing comfort him?" I asked.
"Yes, my son; some words I once said to him comforted him greatly. Once, when I found him in an agony of despondency in his cell, I said, "Brother Martin, dost thou believe in "the forgiveness of sins," as saith the Creed?" His face lighted up at once."
"The forgiveness of sins!" I repeated slowly. "Father, I also believe in that. But forgiveness only follows on contrition, confession, and penance. How can I ever be sure that I have been sufficiently contrite, that I have made an honest and complete confession, or that I have performed my penance aright?"
"Ah, my son," said the old man, "these were exactly Brother Martin"s perplexities, and I could only point him to the crucified Lord, and remind him again of the forgiveness of sins. All we do is incomplete, and when the blessed Lord says He forgiveth sins, I suppose He means the sins of _sinners_, who sin in their confession as in everything else. My son, He is more compa.s.sionate than you think, perhaps than any of us think. At least this is my comfort; and if, when I stand before Him at last, I find I have made a mistake, and thought Him more compa.s.sionate than He is, I trust He will pardon me. It can scarcely, I think, grieve Him so much as declaring Him to be a hard master would."
I did not say anything more to the old man. His words so evidently were strength and joy to him, that I could not venture to question them further. To me, also, they have given a gleam of hope. And yet, if the way is not rough and difficult, and if it is not a hard thing to please Almighty G.o.d, why all those severe rules and renunciations--those heavy penances for trifling offences?
Merciful we know He is. But the emperor may be merciful; and yet, if a peasant were to attempt to enter the imperial presence without the prescribed forms, would he not be driven from the palace with curses, at the point of the sword? And what are those rules at the court of heaven?
If perfect purity of heart and life, who can lay claim to that?
If a minute attention to the rules of an order such as this of St.
Augustine, who can be sure of having never failed in this? The inattention which caused the neglect would probably let it glide from the memory. And then, what is the worth of confession?
Christ is the Saviour, but only of those who follow him. There _is_ forgiveness of sins, but only for those who make adequate confession. I, alas! have not followed him fully. What priest on earth can a.s.sure me I have ever confessed fully?
Therefore I see Him merciful, gracious, holy--a Saviour, but seated on a high throne, where I can never be sure pet.i.tions of mine will reach him; and, alas! one day to be seated on a great white throne, whence it is too sure his summoning voice will reach me.