I see the Holiest, the Perfect, the Son made the victim, the lamb, the curse, willingly yielding himself up to death on the cross for me.
I see the Father--inflexible in justice yet delighting in mercy--accepting him, the spotless Lamb whom he had given; raising him from the dead; setting him on his right hand. Just, beyond all my terrified conscience could picture him, he justifies me the sinner.
Hating sin as love must abhor selfishness, and life death, and purity corruption, he loves me--the selfish, the corrupt, the dead in sins. He gives his Son, the Only-begotten, for me; he accepts his Son, the spotless Lamb, for me; he forgives me; he acquits me; he will make me pure.
The thought overpowered me. I knelt among the pines and spoke to Him who hears when we have no words, for words failed me altogether then.
MUNICH, _May_ 18.
All the next day and the next that joy lasted. Every twig, and bird, and dew-drop spoke in parables to me; sang to me the parable of the son who had returned from the far country, and as he went towards his father"s house prepared his confession; but never finished the journey, for the father met him when he was yet a great way off; and never finished the confession, for the father stopped his self-reproaches with embraces.
And on the father"s heart what child could say, "Make me as one of thy hired servants?"
I saw His love shining in every dew-drop on the gra.s.sy forest glades; I heard it in the song of every bird; I felt it in every pulse.
I do not know that we spoke much during those days, Brother Martin and I.
I have known something of love; but I have never felt a love that so fills, overwhelms, satisfies, as this love of G.o.d. And when first it is "thou and I" between G.o.d and the soul, for a time, at least, the heart has little room for other fellowship.
But then came doubts and questionings. Whence came they! Brother Martin said from Satan.
"The devil is a wretched, unhappy spirit," said he, "and he loves to make us wretched."
One thing that began to trouble me was, whether I had the right kind of faith. Old definitions of faith recurred to me, by which faith is said to be nothing unless it is informed with charity and developed into good works, so that when it saith we are justified by faith, the part is taken for the whole--and it means by faith, also hope, charity, all the graces, and all good works.
But Brother Martin declared it meaneth simply believing. He said,--
"Faith is an almighty thing, for it giveth glory to G.o.d, which is the highest service that can be given to him. Now, to give glory to G.o.d, is to believe in him; to count him true, wise, righteous, merciful, almighty. The chiefest thing G.o.d requireth of man is, that he giveth unto him his glory and divinity; that is to say, that he taketh him not for an idol, but for G.o.d; who regardeth him, heareth him, showeth mercy unto him, and helpeth him. For faith saith thus, "I believe thee, O G.o.d, when thou speakest.""
But our great wisdom, he says, is to look away from all these questionings,--from our sins, our works, ourselves, to Christ, who is our righteousness, our Saviour, our all.
Then at times other things perplex me. If faith is so simple, and salvation so free, why all those orders, rules, pilgrimages, penances?
And to these perplexities we can neither of us find any answer. But we must be obedient to the Church. What we cannot understand we must receive and obey. This is a monk"s duty, at least.
Then at times another temptation comes on me. "If thou hadst known of this before," a voice says deep in my heart, "thou couldst have served G.o.d joyfully in thy home, instead of painfully in the cloister; couldst have helped thy parents and Else, and spoken with Eva on these things, which her devout and simple heart has doubtless received already." But, alas! I know too well what tempter ventures to suggest that name to me, and I say, "Whatever might have been, malicious spirit, _now_ I am a religious, a devoted man, to whom it is perdition to draw back!"
Yet, in a sense, I seem less separated from my beloved ones during these past days.
There is a brotherhood, there is a family, more permanent than the home at Eisenach, or even the Order of St. Augustine, in which we may be united still. There is a home in which, perhaps, we may yet be one household again.
And meantime, G.o.d may have some little useful work for me to do here, which in his presence may make life pa.s.s as quickly as this my pilgrimage to Rome in Brother Martin"s company.
BENEDICTINE MONASTERY IN LOMBARDY.
G.o.d has given us during these last days to see, as I verily believe, some glimpses into Eden. The mountains with snowy summits, like the white steps of His throne; the rivers which flow from them and enrich the land; the crystal seas, like gla.s.s mingled with fire, when the reflected snow-peaks burn in the lakes at dawn or sunset; and then this Lombard plain, watered with rivers which make its harvests gleam like gold; this garner of G.o.d, where the elms or chestnuts grow among the golden maize, and the vines festoon the trees, so that all the land seems garlanded for a perpetual holy day. We came through the Tyrol by Fussen, and then struck across by the mountains and the lakes to Milan.
Now we are entertained like princes in this rich Benedictine abbey. Its annual income is 36,000 florins. "Of eating and feasting," as brother Martin says, "there is no lack;" for 12,000 florins are consumed on guests, and as large a sum on building. The residue goeth to the convent and the brethren.
They have received us poor German monks with much honour, as a deputation from the great Augustinian Order to the Pope.
The manners of these southern people are very gentle and courteous; but they are lighter in their treatment of sacred things than we could wish.
The splendour of the furniture and dress amazes us; it is difficult to reconcile it with the vows of poverty and renunciation of the world. But I suppose they regard the vow of poverty as binding not on the community, but only on the individual monk. It must, however, at the best, be hard to live a severe and ascetic life amidst such luxuries.
Many, no doubt, do not try.
The tables are supplied with the most costly and delicate viands; the walls are tapestried; the dresses are of fine silk; the floors are inlaid with rich marbles.
Poor, poor splendours, as subst.i.tutes for the humblest _home_!
BOLOGNA, _June_.
We did not remain long in the Benedictine monastery, for this reason: Brother Martin, I could see, had been much perplexed by their luxurious living; but as a guest, had, I suppose, scarcely felt at liberty to remonstrate, until Friday came, when, to our amazement, the table was covered with meats and fruits, and all kinds of viands, as on any other day, regardless not only of the rules of the Order, but of the common laws of the whole Church.
He would touch none of these dainties; but not content with this silent protest, he boldly said before the whole company, "The Church and the Pope forbid such things!"
We had then an opportunity of seeing into what the smoothness of these Italian manners can change when ruffled.
The whole brotherhood burst into a storm of indignation. Their dark eyes flashed, their white teeth gleamed with scornful and angry laughter, and their voices rose in a tempest of vehement words, many of which were unintelligible to us.
"Intruders," "barbarians," "coa.r.s.e and ignorant Germans," and other biting epithets, however, we could too well understand.
Brother Martin stood like a rock amidst the torrent, and threatened to make their luxury and disorder known at Rome.
When the a.s.sembly broke up, we noticed the brethren gather apart in small groups, and cast scowling glances at us when we chanced to pa.s.s near.
That evening the porter of the monastery came to us privately, and warned us that this convent was no longer a safe resting-place for us.
Whether this was a friendly warning, or merely a device of the brethren to get rid of troublesome guests, I know not; but we had no wish to linger, and before the next day dawned we crept in the darkness out of a side gate into a boat, which we found on the river which flows beneath the walls, and escaped.
It was delightful to-day winding along the side of a hill, near Bologna, for miles, under the flickering shade of trellises covered with vines.
But Brother Martin, I thought, looked ill and weary.
BOLOGNA.
Thank G.o.d, Brother Martin is reviving again. He has been on the very borders of the grave.
Whether it was the scorching heat through which we have been travelling, or the malaria, which affected us with catarrh one night when we slept with our windows open, or whether the angry monks in the Benedictine Abbey mixed some poison with our food, I know not; but we had scarcely reached this place when he became seriously ill.
As I watched beside him I learned something of the anguish he pa.s.sed through at our convent at Erfurt. The remembrance of his sins and the terrors of G.o.d"s judgment rushed on his mind, weakened by suffering. At times he recognized that it was the hand of the evil one which was keeping him down. "The devil," he would say, "is the accuser of the brethren, not Christ. Thou, Lord Jesus, art my forgiving Saviour!" And then he would rise above the floods. Again his mind would bewilder itself with the unfathomable--the origin of evil, the relation of our free will to G.o.d"s almighty will.
Then I ventured to recall to him the words of Dr. Staupitz he had repeated to me: "Behold the wounds of Jesus Christ, and then thou shall see the counsel of G.o.d clearly shining forth. We cannot comprehend G.o.d out of Jesus Christ. In Christ you will find what G.o.d is, and what he requires. You will find him nowhere else, whether in heaven or on earth."
It was strange to find myself, untried recruit that I am, thus attempting to give refreshment to such a veteran and victor as Brother Martin; but when the strongest are brought into single combats such as these, which must be single, a feeble hand may bring a draught of cold water to revive the hero between the pauses of the fight.