Not to you, Stephen, said Mrs. Rivers. But you arent the only one here.
Coopers father put down his fork. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. I knew we should have gone out, he said.
Cooper looked at her parents. She knew that things were about to turn ugly. Ever since her father had arrived at the house, her parents had been on edge with one another. It was the first time theyd spent more than an hour together, and Cooper could tell that with each pa.s.sing minute things were growing more and more tense.
She tried to ignore what was going on and think of something else, but the only other thing that came to mind was Annie and Tyler. Ever since running into them on Monday, shed been trying to figure out exactly what was going on with her friends. She hadnt been surprised to see them together, but she had been surprised to see Annie on the verge of tears. And when shed found out why Annie had been about to cry, shed been so floored that she couldnt say anything.
Annie and Tyler. Cooper almost laughed, the idea of it was so funny. Tyler was the perfect guy"the understanding and sensitive boyfriend. And Annie, Annie was the good girl who never did anything to hurt anyone. The idea of the two of them together when Tyler was supposed to be in love with Kate was so far from believable that it sounded like a science fiction story. But the fact that they really were wasnt funny.
It had taken Annie a little while to tell Cooper everything. But she had told her, while sitting in her bedroom, and afterward Cooper had been unable to say anything coherent. Shed been convinced that it was a joke. But Annies tear-stained face was no joke, and Cooper had finally done the only thing she could"shed held Annie while her friend cried over her broken heart.
Cooper felt bad for Annie. But she felt almost worse for Kate, who had no idea that her best friend and her supposed boyfriend were doing more than just going to the movies together. Cooper had agreed not to say anything to Kate and let Annie and Tyler decide what to do about it, but she still wasnt sure if that was the right decision. True, Annie and Tyler had called it off. But where did that leave things? They had still betrayed Kate, and that was bound to change things between them all, even if they never told her about it.
Why do you always have to say I told you so? Mrs. Riverss accusation cut through Coopers daydreams and brought her back to the moment.
I didnt say I told you so, said Mr. Rivers defensively.
This isnt a courtroom, Stephen, Coopers mother countered. You dont have to win every argument the way you win cases.
This isnt an argument, said Coopers father.
Dont speak to me like Im a five-year-old child, Mrs. Rivers said, glaring at him.
Are you guys going to do this for much longer? asked Cooper. Because I could really use some pumpkin pie.
Her parents looked at her in surprise.
No, really, Cooper said tiredly. If youre just going to fight I might as well just eat pie in my room, because this isnt a whole lot of fun. Unless you guys are having fun, that is.
Her mother and father looked at one another. Her mother put down her fork and cleared her throat.
Im sorry, Cooper, she said. I wanted this to be a nice time. She glared at her husband.
I wanted this to be a nice time, too, said Mr. Rivers. He began to say something else but shut his mouth. Then he looked at Cooper. Cooper, we werent going to discuss this until later, but your mother and I have decided that were going to separate permanently.
You mean divorce? Cooper said. Isnt that what separate permanently means?
No one said anything for a moment. Then her mother said, Yes, thats what it means.
Cooper looked at her plate. She couldnt look at her parents. Divorced. Her parents were getting divorced.
But its only been a couple of months since you separated, said Cooper, as if that made any difference.
We know you were hoping for a different outcome, said her mother. We were, too.
Then why did we get this one? asked Cooper.
Sometimes things cant work out the way that would make things easiest, Mr. Rivers replied.
So now that Im going to be the product of a broken home, how is it going to work? Cooper said.
You and your mother will continue to live here, said her father. Im going to be getting my own place.
Great, said Cooper. Now Ill have two places to call home. And when you guys get remarried maybe Ill have a whole bunch of wicked stepsisters and stepbrothers to hang out with.
No one is getting remarried, said Mrs. Rivers.
Why not? Cooper said. Whats the point of splitting up if not to find better options?
She knew she was being cruel, but she couldnt help herself. She was angry, and she was taking her *
frustration out on her parents because they happened to be sitting across from her. Plus, she blamed them for letting this happen. She knew that wasnt a reasonable thing to think, but she thought it nonetheless.
While the mature part of her brain knew full well that sometimes peoples lives took them in different directions, the part of her that was still six years old wanted to have her mommy and daddy back together. It was that part that had taken over control of her mouth at the moment.
Ill be up in my room, she said, pushing back from the table. Let me know when the visitation schedule is all drawn up.
She stormed out of the room and up the stairs, making sure her boots made scuffs on the polished wood surfaces. Then she went into her room and slammed the door. She knew they wouldnt come after her.
Not yet. And she didnt want them to. She didnt want to hear about how they both still loved her, or about how the situation had nothing to do with her. She didnt want to hear about how this would be best for everyone, even if it was hard. Those things might be true, but they didnt make her feel better.
What is it with people? she thought angrily. Why cant they manage not to screw things up? Her parents had seemed to have a good relationship, but now they were telling her that it was over. Annie and Tyler were doing whatever it was they were doing. Everybody seemed determined to ruin what they had.
Are T.J. and I next? she asked herself. Why should we be any different? Why should we stay together? Whats the point?
She needed to get out of the house. She couldnt stay there just stewing and waiting for her parents to come up for a lame talk that would only make her more upset. She needed to get away from them, at least for a while.
She grabbed her keys from the dresser and left her room. Being as quiet as she could, she went downstairs and out the front door, pulling it shut behind her. Then she walked quickly to her car, got in, and drove away before her parents could come out and try to stop her.
She drove around aimlessly for a while, not really caring where she went. She just liked driving. She liked being inside her car with the blackness surrounding her, the headlights cutting through the dark like a cats eyes. She liked hearing the hum of the engine, and the way it made her feel like she was flying. She didnt even turn on the radio. She didnt want the distraction.
Driving was almost like meditating, she decided. It calmed her and made her feel both more relaxed and more powerful. As she drove she felt the anger and hurt inside of her slipping away, left behind on the road as she sped into the night.
She decided to drive to Janes house. The way she was feeling, she didnt really want to see T.J. That would only remind her of what had upset her in the first place. And she didnt want to see Annie or Kate, for the same reason. But she could talk to Jane. And she found that she wanted to talk.
She pulled up in front of the Goldstein house and parked. Turning the lights off, she got out and walked to the front door. She rang the buzzer and waited for Jane to let her in.
But when the door opened, it wasnt Janes face looking out at her. It was her grandfathers. Mr.
Goldstein blinked in the harsh glare of the porch light.
Jane isnt here, he said when he saw Cooper. Shes out.
Oh, Cooper said. It hadnt occurred to her that Jane might be doing something else, and she felt foolish for not having called first to check. Im sorry for bothering you, Mr. Goldstein. Could you please tell Jane that Ill call her later?
Cooper started to walk away.
Wait, said Mr. Goldstein in his thin voice. Come back. I want to talk to you.
Cooper turned around and looked at the old man. He was beckoning to her with one thin finger. Come inside, he said.
Cooper did as he asked, not really because she wanted to but because she was so surprised that Mr.
Goldstein had spoken so many words at once. He was generally so quiet, and she was curious to see what had made him call afer her.
Mr. Goldstein shut the door and began walking down the hallway, motioning for Cooper to follow him.
He walked into the living room, where he slowly lowered himself into the big armchair that Cooper usually saw him in. Generally he was staring at the TV or halfheartedly reading a book or a magazine, but now his eyes were alert and clear as he motioned for Cooper to sit down in the rooms other chair.
She sat and waited for him to speak. He continued to look at her quizzically for a few minutes, and Cooper almost thought that perhaps hed fallen asleep with his eyes open. But then he blinked, startling her, and spoke.
I dreamed of you again, he said simply.
Cooper waited for more, but nothing came. She cleared her throat. You mean the dream about being in" She couldnt finish the sentence. She didnt want to upset Janes grandfather by talking about what surely must be a horrible memory.
In the camp, Mr. Goldstein said, nodding. Yes.
Cooper nodded while Mr. Goldstein took a deep breath. My granddaughter does not like me to talk about the camp, he said. She thinks it makes me sad. He paused thoughtfully. And it does. But it also makes me happy.
Happy? Cooper repeated, not sure she had heard correctly. Mr. Goldsteins voice was very soft, and it was easy to miss what he said unless she was paying close attention.
Yes, he said. It makes me happy. Perhaps that is not quite the right word. Im old. I dont remember things all the time. But you know what I mean.
No, Cooper said. Actually, I dont know.
Mr. Goldstein sighed. Those who were not there cannot really understand, he said. There was horror in the camps. There was much horror. What was done to people broke my heart. Seeing my friends and family murdered"that was enough to make me doubt the existence of G.o.d.
The old man looked down for a moment, as if remembering a particularly difficult memory. Then he looked up at Cooper. But there was much love there, too. The love of fathers for sons, and sisters for *
brothers. The love of friends for friends and husbands for wives. Even in the middle of h.e.l.l, we still loved one another. Even when they tore us from one anothers arms, they could not take away the love we had for one another in our hearts. And thats how some of us survived.
Cooper sat silently, listening. She didnt know what had made Mr. Goldstein want to tell her the things he was saying, but she figured he had a reason. For the moment all she could do was sit and listen to him talk.
In my dream, he said, you came to me in the camp. Your face was dirty. Your clothes were torn.
You were thin, and frightened.
Cooper felt a peculiar chill begin to wrapits arms around her. As Mr. Goldstein spoke she pictured in her mind the things he was speaking of. She saw herself wearing an old tattered dress, too thin to keep out the cold, and shoes that were too small for her feet. She wondered how she could have such a vivid memory of something that had never actually happened to her, but she did. It was almost as if she were watching a movie of something that had happened before she was old enough to really remember it.
You see it, Mr. Goldstein said. You remember. You came to me, and you asked me to help you find a way out.
Cooper looked at the old man and saw that tears had started to fall from his eyes. But I couldnt help you, he said. I couldnt remember the way out. And they came and took you.
The soldiers, Cooper whispered.
Mr. Goldstein nodded. Then he leaned forward and grabbed her hands. I could not help you then, he said. But I can now. Look for the love. It is the way out. It will save you.
Cooper looked into his eyes. For a moment she thought she saw herself reflected in them"herself with shorn hair and a dirty face. But then the image was gone, and she was looking at Mr. Goldsteins wrinkled face while he repeated over and over, Look for the love, little one. Look for the love.
He sounds like an owl, Cooper thought suddenly. Repeating the same thing over and over. The idea struck her as odd. Then she remembered"the owl. Once before she had looked at Mr. Goldstein and thought that he looked like an owl. And she had wondered if maybe, like Bird in her vision quest, he had been sent to give her a clue of some kind. Now, as she sat holding his hands and listening to him whispering to her, she knew that was true. She looked down and saw that where the sleeve of his sweater had pulled back, the faded tattoo on his arm was showing. She ran her finger over it lightly. He had given her something she could use. He had given her hope. Yes, maybe things were falling apart around her. But that didnt mean everything was hopeless. She still had love to cling to"her love for her mother and father, her love for her friends, and her love for T.J. Even if the relationships between them were strained, she still had her love for them. That was what would keep her going.
Thank you, she said to Mr. Goldstein.
Im sorry I could not help you in my dream, he said. But perhaps I have now, eh?
Yes, Cooper said. Yes, you have.
Then it is good, said the old man.
Its more than good, said Cooper, giving his hands a final squeeze and then letting go. She stood up.
Tell Jane Ill call her later, she said. Theres something I have to go do.
Mr. Goldstein waved her out of the room kindly. You know the way out, he said.
Cooper left the house and got into the car. She pulled away and drove into the darkness. But this time she knew exactly where she was going"home. She had some things to say to her parents. And then, she thought, then I might just call T.J.
CHAPTER 12.
Becka and Annie raced up the stairs and into Annies room, shutting the door behind them. Becka dropped her bag on the floor and looked around.
Very cool, she said. I love it. You have privacy and your own bathroom.
I know, Annie said. Its pretty much perfect.
Becka was walking around the room looking at everything. She stopped in front of the big painting that hung on the wall opposite Annies bed. Did your mom do this? she asked.
Annie nodded. Thats her holding me.
I love the way the moon looks like it has a face, said Becka.
She sees it, Annie thought happily to herself. Not everyone who looked at the painting noticed that it had the features of a womans face. The G.o.ddess, as Annie liked to think of her. She liked that Becka had seen it right away.
Becka turned around. This feels a little weird, she said. I mean, I live in your old house in San Francisco and now Im visiting your new house here. I feel like I should be giving you something of mine.
Which reminds me, she added, kneeling and unzipping her bag, I brought you something. She pulled a package out of the bag and handed it to Annie.