I tried , said Jane. But you were really out of it.
Cooper sat up and rubbed her eyes. That was really weird, she said.
What was? asked Jane.
The meditation, Cooper told her. I saw this owl.
Your totem animal is an owl? Jane asked.
Apparently, said Cooper. But it wasnt all that helpful, really.
It could be worse, Jane said. It could have been a llama. Or a Teletubby.
Cooper didnt speak for a moment. She was thinking about what shed seen during her meditation journey. Once again her mind filled with doubts. Was it all just a big daydream, or had she really contacted a guardian from one of the three inner realms? I guess Ill never really know, she told herself.
A knock on Janes door startled Cooper back to the moment. Jane opened the door and her grandfather looked in. Mr. Goldstein was old and frail. He walked with a cane, and he was leaning on it now as he looked into the room.
Are you girls all right? he asked in a voice that was more like the sound of wind in the branches of a tree than anything else.
Were fine, Grandpa, Jane said. Do you need me for anything?
Mr. Goldstein shook his head slowly. Then he looked at Cooper, his large round eyes blinking at her behind his gla.s.ses. I was sleeping, he said. I had a dream. About her.
Jane looked at Cooper. You had a dream about Cooper? she asked.
The old man nodded. I was back there, he said. During the war. She came to me. She asked for my help.
Cooper looked at Jane with a puzzled expression on her face. Jane looked away. Its okay, Grandpa, she said. Were both fine. Ill come out to make dinner in a minute, okay?
Mr. Goldstein turned and shuffled down the hallway. When he was gone Cooper asked, What did he mean he was back there?
In the camp, Jane said quietly.
The concentration camp? Cooper asked. Shed seen the faded tattoo on Mr. Goldsteins arm, and she knew that he had lived through one of the infamous n.a.z.i death camps. But Jane never spoke about it, and Cooper didnt know how to ask her without seeming nosy.
Yes, Jane said. Sometimes he dreams about it.
And I was in his dream, Cooper said. Asking him for help.
He probably fell asleep right afer seeing you come in, said Jane. Im sure it doesnt mean anything.
Cooper thought for a moment. She recalled looking into the owls eyes. Then she thought about looking into Mr. Goldsteins big dark eyes. I come in many forms . Thats what her totem animal had told her.
Help comes in many forms.
Cooper looked at Jane. I think maybe it does mean something, she said.
CHAPTER 9.
Somethings going on with you.
Annie looked at Eulalie Parsons. The old woman was sitting in the chair beside the window in her room at Shady Hills. Her hands were in her lap and she was watching intently as Annie changed the sheets on the bed.
Why do you say that? Annie asked, ducking down to tuck in the corners of the sheet.
Eulalie laughed. Its all over you, she said simply. Hanging around like some kind of dog following at your heels.
Annie sighed. She really liked Eulalie, but sometimes it annoyed her that the old woman could tell so much about people just by looking at them. Eulalie said she could see emotions as colors, and she often knew Annies mood before Annie herself realized why she was feeling a certain way.
Ive just got a lot going on, she said, pulling the bedspread over the sheets. You know, school and stuff.
Mmm-hmm, said Eulalie. And I bet its the stuff thats got you all worked up.
Annie put her hands on her hips. Im fine , she said. Really.
Eulalie pursed her lips but didnt say anything. She just looked at Annie with a steady gaze. Annie looked right back at her, daring her to say something else. After a minute Annie said, Ive got to go do the other rooms. Ill be back later.
She turned and started to walk out, the dirty sheets in her arms. As she was leaving Eulalie said quietly, Ben doesnt think youre fine either.
Annie stopped. Ben Rowe was the former resident of Eulalies room. Annie had met him on her very first day as a volunteer at the nursing home. Hed become a good friend to her, and his sudden death over the summer had been hard on her. When Eulalie moved in and Annie discovered that the old woman could talk to Bens spirit, it had made her feel as if she were still connected to him. Now, though, it just irritated her.
Tell Ben he worries too much, she said shortly, and walked out.
She threw the sheets from Eulalies bed into the big wheeled hamper she used on her rounds and began to push it down the hall. Great, she thought, now Ben and Eulalie know that Im fooling around with my best friends boyfriend. The thought upset her. Was it that obvious? What did Eulalie see when she looked at Annie? Annie pictured herself with a big neon sign over her head reading TRAITOR . She pictured it flashing on and off, the bright red letters branding her as the horrible person she felt she was.
It had been four days since she and Tyler had made out. Four very long days. She alternated between feeling like she was in a dream and in a nightmare. When she talked to Tyler on the phone"which shed done every night since their kiss, and when she thought about how it felt to have him hold her, which she did about every three seconds, she was filled with happiness. But when she was with Kate and heard her talking about how much she missed Tyler, or when she thought about how Kate would feel if she knew what had happened between her and Tyler, she wanted to die.
Youre overreacting, she scolded herself. Eulalie and Ben dont know whats going on. They just know that youre upset about something. She really hoped that was the case. She didnt know what she would do if someone actually asked her if she was getting involved with Tyler. Coopers grilling at Crones Circle the week before had been hard enough, and that was before Tyler had even told her that he felt the same way about her that she felt about him. Annie knew that if Cooper asked her now what was going on she would have a really hard time not telling her.
But what is going on? she asked herself. What are you and Tyler doing? She stopped pushing the cart and leaned against it. That was the question she couldnt answer. What were the two of them doing? She didnt know, and they hadnt really talked about it. Theyd both danced around the issue, almost as if they were pretending that Kate wasnt there"and that, as far as Kate knew, Tyler was still her boyfriend. But they were going to have to talk about these things, and soon. Annie knew that if she had to keep on pretending that nothing was going on she was going to go crazy.
She left the cart where it was and walked down the hall to the pay phone next to the cafeteria. She knew she could use the phone in the nurses office, but she didnt want anyone to hear what she was saying.
She fished in her pocket for change and plunked it into the coin slot. Then she dialed.
h.e.l.lo?
Hi, Annie said. Its me.
Oh, hi, Tyler said happily. I was just thinking about you.
Annie immediately felt a warm glow inside, but it was quickly extinguished as she thought about why she was calling. We need to talk, she said.
Tyler was silent on the other end. Then he sighed. I dont like the sound of that, he said.
Tyler, we cant ignore whats going on here, Annie told him. Weve got to talk about it.
I know we do, said Tyler. And its not like I havent been thinking about things.
He paused.
And what have you been thinking? asked Annie.
Ive got to tell Kate, said Tyler.
Annie felt her stomach clench into a cold knot of fear. She gripped the receiver tightly and pressed it to her cheek, not saying anything.
Annie? Tyler sounded worried.
Im here, she said, barely able to talk.
I think I have to tell her, Tyler repeated. Dont you?
Annie took a deep breath. And what are you going to tell her? she asked.
Tyler didnt respond. Annie felt her heart pounding as she waited for his answer. When it didnt come, she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall. You dont know, do you? she said.
No, admitted Tyler. I dont know.
Tyler, what are we doing? Annie asked, voicing the question she was most afraid of hearing the answer to.
What do you mean? he asked.
You know what I mean, said Annie. What are we doing ? Are we just fooling around? Are we going out? What is this? Because, in case youve forgotten, Kate is my best friend and your girlfriend. So I think we should know exactly what we have to tell her.
She sounded angry, and she knew it. But what she felt inside was sadness, an overwhelming sadness that shed been trying to hold back ever since Tyler had kissed her. Shed tried to convince herself that she was getting what she wanted and that everything would work out. But she couldnt do that anymore.
This wasnt something I planned, Annie, said Tyler. It was something that happened. Neither of us meant for it to.
You sound like youre rehearsing a speech, she said. Youre not answering my question"what are we doing?
Maybe I dont know the answer to that! said Tyler. Its only been a couple of days since I even let myself feel what Im feeling.
But thats what Im asking you, Annie said. What are you feeling?
Right now? Tyler said. Really mixed up. One minute I feel great and the next I feel terrible. And this conversation isnt helping things a whole lot.
Im sorry, Annie said. But I dont like feeling this way either. And I have to see Kate pretty much every day. Do you know what that feels like?
Tyler sighed. I know it must be hard, he said.
Hard? said Annie. Try monumentally, terrifyingly, a-billion-times-harder-than-anything-youve-ever-done-hard. Thats what it is.
What do you want me to say? asked Tyler. That Im sorry? Im sorry you have to go through that.
Im sorry it hurts. Im sorry that were in this situation. Im sorry about a lot of things, Annie, but that doesnt make them go away.
The phone beeped, indicating that it was time to add more money. Annie reached into her pocket, but shed used up all of her change. She tried her other pocket, but it, too, was empty.
We really need to talk this out, Tyler said on the other end. What is it that you want, Annie? What would you tell Kate if you were in my position?
The phone beeped again. Annie was looking everywhere for more change, but there wasnt any. Before she could give Tyler an answer, the phone went dead.
She slammed the phone down and started to cry. How could things go from good to bad so quickly?
Why had she called Tyler and asked him those questions? All she had done was make them both upset.
And now he probably thought that she was angry with him. Well, she was angry with him. She was also angry with herself. This isnt like me, she thought unhappily. Im not the kind of person who hurts her best friend. If someone had told her a month ago that she would be sneaking around with her friends boyfriend, she would have laughed and said it was crazy. But now she was doing exactly that. And she was smart enough to know that she wouldnt be able to keep it a secret much longer.
She wiped her eyes. Crying about things wasnt going to make them go away. She knew that, too. She had to get back to work. Giving the pay phone a last miserable look, she went back to the laundry hamper and started pushing it again. But her mind kept replaying her conversation with Tyler over and over.
He asked you what you want, she told herself. Whats the answer? She thought about that as she walked into one of the rooms and began changing the sheets. It was a fair question. What did she want *
from Tyler? Did she want him to be her boyfriend? She supposed she did. After all, isnt that why shed kissed him? And isnt that why she was so happy when she talked to him? Well, until their last phone call, anyway.
Okay, she thought. You want him to be your boyfriend. But was that ever going to happen? Maybe"if he dumped Kate. But then what? Annie would have Tyler, but she would most definitely lose her friend.
There was no way Kate would forgive her for something like that. No way. Why had she ever kissed Tyler that first time? Why had she let him know how she felt? She should have just kept all of her feelings inside.
But she hadnt, and now she had to deal with the consequences. She had to make some decisions about what to do next, and no matter what she decided, it wasnt going to be easy. Whatever she decided to do, someone was going to get hurt. And no matter who else got hurt, she was going to get hurt.
She finished her rounds, barely noticing what she was doing. Her head was mired in dark thoughts, and she changed the sheets and interacted with the patients as if she were walking in her sleep. By the time the last bed was changed and shed returned the hamper to the laundry room all she wanted to do was go home.
As she walked to the front doors to leave she pa.s.sed Eulalies room. I thought you were coming back to see me, the old woman said, coming to the doorway.
Im kind of tired, Annie told her. How about next time?
Eulalie nodded. Suit yourself, she said. By the way, I see that dog thats been following you around got a whole lot bigger since I saw him last.
Annie knew this was Eulalies way of saying that she was ready to listen if Annie was ready to talk. But she wasnt ready. Not yet. As much as what she was going through hurt, she needed to keep it to herself for a while.
I think Ive got him under control, she said, smiling as cheerfully as she could. But thanks for noticing.
And I really will stop by to see you next time Im in.