You know not, my dear, the worth of a virtuous man; and, n.o.ble-minded as you are in most particulars, you partake of the common weakness of human nature, in being apt to slight what is in your own power.
You would not think of using Mr. Lovelace, were he your suitor, as you do the much worthier Mr. Hickman--would you?--You know who says in my mother"s case, "Much will bear, much shall bear, all the world through."* Mr. Hickman, I fancy, would be glad to know the lady"s name, who made such an observation. He would think it hardly possible, but such a one should benefit by her own remark; and would be apt to wish his Miss Howe acquainted with her.
* See Vol.I. Letter X.
Gentleness of heart, surely, is not despicable in a man. Why, if it be, is the highest distinction a man can arrive at, that of a gentleman?--A distinction which a prince may not deserve. For manners, more than birth, fortune, or t.i.tle, are requisite in this character. Manners are indeed the essence of it. And shall it be generally said, and Miss Howe not be an exception to it (as you once wrote), that our s.e.x are best dealt with by boisterous and unruly spirits?*
* See Vol.II. Letter III.
Forgive me, my dear, and love me as you used to do. For although my fortunes are changed, my heart is not: Nor ever will, while it bids my pen tell you, that it must cease to bear, when it is not as much yours as
Your CL. HARLOWE.
LETTER XXIX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE. SAt.u.r.dAY EVENING.
Mr. Lovelace has seen divers apartments at Windsor; but not one, he says, that he thought fit for me, and which, at the same time, answered my description.
He has been very solicitous to keep to the letter of my instructions: which looked well: and the better I like him, as, although he proposed that town, he came back, dissuading me from it: for he said, that, in his journey from thence, he had thought Windsor, although of his own proposal, a wrong choice; because I coveted privacy, and that was a place generally visited and admired.*
* This inference of the Lady in his favour is exactly what he had hoped for. See Letter XXV. of this volume.
I told him, that if Mrs. Sorlings thought me not an inc.u.mbrance, I would be willing to stay here a little longer; provided he would leave me, and go to Lord M."s, or to London, which ever he thought best.
He hoped, he said, that he might suppose me absolutely safe from the insults or attempts of my brother; and, therefore, if it should make me easier, he would obey, for a few days at least.
He again proposed to send for Hannah. I told him I designed to do so, through you--And shall I beg of you, my dear, to cause the honest creature to be sent to? Your faithful Robert, I think, knows where she is. Perhaps she will be permitted to quit her place directly, by allowing a month"s wages, which I will repay her. He took notice of the serious humour he found me in, and of the redness of my eyes. I had just been answering your letter; and had he not approached me, on his coming off his journey, in a very respectful manner; had he not made an unexceptionable report of his inquiries, and been so ready to go from me, at the very first word; I was prepared (notwithstanding the good terms we parted upon when he set out for Windsor) to have given him a very unwelcome reception: for the contents of your last letter had so affected me, that the moment I saw him, I beheld with indignation the seducer, who had been the cause of all the evils I suffer, and have suffered.
He hinted to me, that he had received a letter from Lady Betty, and another (as I understood him) from one of the Miss Montagues. If they take notice of my in them, I wonder that he did not acquaint me with the contents. I am afraid, my dear, that his relations are among those who think I have taken a rash and inexcusable step. It is not to my credit to let even them know how I have been frighted out of myself: and yet perhaps they would hold me unworthy of their alliance, if they were to think my flight a voluntary one. O my dear, how uneasy to us are our reflections upon every doubtful occurrence, when we know we have been prevailed upon to do a wrong thing!
SUNDAY MORNING.
Ah! this man, my dear! We have had warmer dialogues than ever yet we have had. At fair argument, I find I need not fear him;* but he is such a wild, such an ungovernable creature [he reformed!] that I am half afraid of him.
* See this confirmed by Mr. Lovelace, Letter XI. of this volume.
He again, on my declaring myself uneasy at his stay with me here, proposed that I would put myself into Lady Betty"s protection; a.s.suring me that he thought he could not leave me at Mrs. Sorlings"s with safety to myself. And upon my declining to do that, for the reasons I gave you in my last,* he urged me to make a demand of my estate.
* See Letter XXVIII. of this volume.
He knew it, I told him, to be my resolution not to litigate with my father.
Nor would he put me upon it, he replied, but as the last thing. But if my spirit would not permit me to be obliged, as I called it, to any body, and yet if my relations would refuse me my own, he knew not how I could keep up that spirit, without being put to inconveniences, which would give him infinite concern--Unless--unless--unless, he said, hesitating, as if afraid to speak out--unless I would take the only method I could take, to obtain the possession of my own.
What is that, Sir?
Sure the man saw by my looks, when he came with his creeping unless"s, that I guessed what he meant.
Ah! Madam, can you be at a loss to know what that method is?--They will not dispute with a man that right which they contest with you.
Why said he with a man, instead of with him? Yet he looked as if he wanted to be encouraged to say more.
So, Sir, you would have me employ a lawyer, would you, notwithstanding what I have ever declared as to litigating with my father?
No, I would not, my dearest creature, s.n.a.t.c.hing my hand, and pressing it with his lips--except you would make me the lawyer.
Had he said me at first, I should have been above the affectation of mentioning a lawyer.
I blushed. The man pursued not the subject so ardently, but that it was more easy as well as more natural to avoid it than to fall into it.
Would to Heaven he might, without offending!--But I so over-awed him!--[over-awed him!--Your* notion, my dear!]--And so the over-awed, bashful man went off from the subject, repeating his proposal, that I would demand my own estate, or empower some man of the law to demand it, if I would not [he put in] empower a happier man to demand it. But it could not be amiss, he thought, to acquaint my two trustees, that I intended to a.s.sume it.
* See Letter XIX. of this volume.
I should know better what to do, I told him, when he was at a distance from me, and known to be so. I suppose, Sir, that if my father propose my return, and engage never to mentions Solmes to me, nor any other man, but by my consent, and I agree, upon that condition, to think no more of you, you will acquiesce.
I was willing to try whether he had the regard to all of my previous declarations, which he pretended to have to some of them.
He was struck all of a heap.
What say you, Mr. Lovelace? You know, all you mean is for my good.
Surely I am my own mistress: surely I need not ask your leave to make what terms I please for myself, so long as I break none with you?
He hemm"d twice or thrice--Why, Madam--why, Madam, I cannot say--then pausing--and rising from his seat with petulance; I see plainly enough, said he, the reason why none of my proposals can be accepted: at last I am to be a sacrifice to your reconciliation with your implacable family.
It has always been your respectful way, Mr. Lovelace, to treat my family in this free manner. But pray, Sir, when you call others implacable, see that you deserve not the same censure yourself.
He must needs say, there was no love lost between some of my family and him; but he had not deserved of them what they had of him.
Yourself being judge, I suppose, Sir?
All the world, you yourself, Madam, being judge.