Oh! my dear, were but a woman, who gives reason to the world to think her to be in love with a man, [And this must be believed to be my case; or to what can my supposed voluntary going off with Mr. Lovelace be imputed?]
to reflect one moment on the exaltation she gives him, and the disgrace she brings upon herself,--the low pity, the silent contempt, the insolent sneers and whispers, to which she makes herself obnoxious from a censuring world of both s.e.xes,--how would she despise herself! and how much more eligible would she think death itself than such a discovered debas.e.m.e.nt!
What I have thus in general touched upon, will account to you why I could not more particularly relate what pa.s.sed in this evening"s conversation: which, as may be gathered from what I have written, abounded with approbatory accusations, and supposed witty retorts.
LETTER VIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE MONDAY MIDNIGHT.
I am very much vexed and disturbed at an odd incident. Mrs. Sinclair has just now left me; I believe in displeasure, on my declining to comply with a request she made me: which was, to admit Miss Partington to a share in my bed, her house being crowded by her nieces"s guests and by their attendants, as well as by those of Miss Partington.
There might be nothing in it; and my denial carried a stiff and ill- natured appearance. But instantly, upon her making the request, it came into my thought, "that I was in a manner a stranger to every body in the house: not so much as a servant I could call my own, or of whom I had any great opinion: that there were four men of free manners in the house, avowed supporters of Mr. Lovelace in matters of offence; himself a man of enterprise; all, as far as I knew, (and as I had reason to think by their noisy mirth after I left them,) drinking deeply: that Miss Partington herself is not so bashful a person as she was represented to me to be: that officious pains were taken to give me a good opinion of her: and that Mrs. Sinclair made a greater parade in prefacing the request, than such a request needed. To deny, thought I, can carry only an appearance of singularity to people who already think me singular. To consent may possibly, if not probably, be attended with inconveniencies. The consequences of the alternative so very disproportionate, I thought it more prudent to incur the censure, than to risque the inconvenience."
I told her that I was writing a long letter: that I should choose to write till I were sleepy, and that a companion would be a restraint upon me, and I upon her.
She was loth, she said, that so delicate a young creature, and so great a fortune as Miss Partington, should be put to lie with Dorcas in a press-bed. She should be very sorry, if she had asked an improper thing.
She had never been so put to it before. And Miss would stay up with her till I had done writing.
Alarmed at this urgency, and it being easier to persist in a denial given, than to give it at first, I said, Miss Partington should be welcome to my whole bed, and I would retire into the dining-room, and there, locking myself in, write all the night.
The poor thing, she said, was afraid to lie alone. To be sure Miss Partington would not put me to such an inconvenience.
She then withdrew,--but returned--begged my pardon for returning, but the poor child, she said, was in tears.--Miss Partington had never seen a young lady she so much admired, and so much wished to imitate as me. The dear girl hoped that nothing had pa.s.sed in her behaviour to give me dislike to her.--Should she bring her to me?
I was very busy, I said: the letter I was writing was upon a very important subject. I hoped to see the young lady in the morning, when I would apologize to her for my particularity. And then Mrs. Sinclair hesitating, and moving towards the door, (though she turned round to me again,) I desired her, (lighting her,) to take care how she went down.
Pray, Madam, said she, on the stairs-head, don"t give yourself all this trouble. G.o.d knows my heart, I meant no affront: but, since you seem to take my freedom amiss, I beg you will not acquaint Mr. Lovelace with it; for he perhaps will think me bold and impertinent.
Now, my dear, is not this a particular incident, either as I have made it, or as it was designed? I don"t love to do an uncivil thing. And if nothing were meant by the request, my refusal deserves to be called uncivil. Then I have shown a suspicion of foul usage by it, which surely dare not be meant. If just, I ought to apprehend every thing, and fly the house and the man as I would an infection. If not just, and if I cannot contrive to clear myself of having entertained suspicions, by a.s.signing some other plausible reason for my denial, the very staying here will have an appearance not at all reputable to myself.
I am now out of humour with him,--with myself,--with all the world, but you. His companions are shocking creatures. Why, again I repeat, should he have been desirous to bring me into such company? Once more I like him not.--Indeed I do not like him!
LETTER IX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE TUESDAY, MAY 2.
With infinite regret I am obliged to tell you, that I can no longer write to you, or receive letters from you.--Your mother has sent me a letter enclosed in a cover to Mr. Lovelace, directed for him at Lord M."s, (and which was brought him just now,) reproaching me on this subject in very angry terms, and forbidding me, "as I would not be thought to intend to make her and you unhappy, to write to you without her leave."
This, therefore, is the last you must receive from me, till happier days.
And as my prospects are not very bad, I presume we shall soon have leave to write again; and even to see each other: since an alliance with a family so honourable as Mr. Lovelace"s is will not be a disgrace.
She is pleased to write, "That if I would wish to inflame you, I should let you know her written prohibition: but if otherwise, find some way of my own accord (without bringing her into the question) to decline a correspondence, which I must know she has for some time past forbidden."
But all I can say is, to beg of you not to be inflamed: to beg of you not to let her know, or even by your behaviour to her, on this occasion, guess, that I have acquainted you with my reason for declining to write to you. For how else, after the scruples I have heretofore made on this very subject, yet proceeding to correspond, can I honestly satisfy you about my motives for this sudden stop? So, my dear, I choose, you see, rather to rely upon your discretion, than to feign reasons with which you would not be satisfied, but with your usual active penetration, sift to the bottom, and at last find me to be a mean and low qualifier; and that with an implication injurious to you, that I supposed you had not prudence enough to be trusted with the naked truth.
I repeat, that my prospects are not bad. "The house, I presume, will soon be taken. The people here are very respectful, notwithstanding my nicety about Miss Partington. Miss Martin, who is near marriage with an eminent tradesman in the Strand, just now, in a very respectful manner, asked my opinion of some patterns of rich silks for the occasion. The widow has a less forbidding appearance than at first. Mr. Lovelace, on my declared dislike of his four friends, has a.s.sured me that neither they nor any body else shall be introduced to me without my leave."
These circ.u.mstances I mention (as you will suppose) that your kind heart may be at ease about me; that you may be induced by them to acquiesce with your mother"s commands, (cheerfully acquiesce,) and that for my sake, lest I should be thought an inflamer; who am, with very contrary intentions, my dearest and best beloved friend,
Your ever obliged and affectionate, CLARISSA HARLOWE.
LETTER X
MISS HOWE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE WEDN. MAY 3.
I am astonished that my mother should take such a step--purely to exercise an unreasonable act of authority; and to oblige the most remorseless hearts in the world. If I find that I can be of use to you, either by advice or information, do you think I will not give it!--Were it to any other person, much less dear to me than you are, do you think, in such a case, I would forbear giving it?
Mr. Hickman, who pretends to a little casuistry in such nice matters, is of opinion that I ought not to decline such a correspondence thus circ.u.mstanced. And it is well he is; for my mother having set me up, I must have somebody to quarrel with.
This I will come into if it will make you easy--I will forbear to write to you for a few days, if nothing extraordinary happen, and till the rigour of her prohibition is abated. But be a.s.sured that I will not dispense with your writing to me. My heart, my conscience, my honour, will not permit it.
But how will I help myself?--How!--easily enough. For I do a.s.sure you that I want but very little farther provocation to fly privately to London. And if I do, I will not leave you till I see you either honourably married, or absolutely quit of the wretch: and, in this last case, I will take you down with me, in defiance of the whole world: or, if you refuse to go with me, stay with you, and accompany you as your shadow whithersoever you go.
Don"t be frightened at this declaration. There is but one consideration, and but one hope, that withhold me, watched as I am in all my retirements; obliged to read to her without a voice; to work in her presence without fingers; and to lie with her every night against my will. The consideration is, lest you should apprehend that a step of this nature would look like a doubling of your fault, in the eyes of such as think your going away a fault. The hope is, that things will still end happily, and that some people will have reason to take shame to themselves for the sorry part they have acted. Nevertheless I am often balancing--but your resolving to give up the correspondence at this crisis will turn the scale. Write, therefore, or take the consequence.
A few words upon the subject of your last letters. I know not whether your brother"s wise project be given up or not. A dead silence reigns in your family. Your brother was absent three days; then at home one; and is now absent: but whether with Singleton, or not, I cannot find out.
By your account of your wretch"s companions, I see not but they are a set of infernals, and he the Beelzebub. What could he mean, as you say, by his earnestness to bring you into such company, and to give you such an opportunity to make him and them reflecting-gla.s.ses to one another? The man"s a fool, to be sure, my dear--a silly fellow, at least--the wretches must put on their best before you, no doubt--Lords of the creation!-- n.o.ble fellows these!--Yet who knows how many poor despicable souls of our s.e.x the worst of them has had to whine after him!
You have brought an inconvenience upon yourself, as you observe, by your refusal of Miss Partington for your bedfellow. Pity you had not admitted her! watchful as you are, what could have happened? If violence were intended, he would not stay for the night. You might have sat up after her, or not gone to bed. Mrs. Sinclair pressed it too far. You was over-scrupulous.
If any thing happen to delay your nuptials, I would advise you to remove: but, if you marry, perhaps you may think it no great matter to stay where you are till you take possession of your own estate. The knot once tied, and with so resolute a man, it is my opinion your relations will soon resign what they cannot legally hold: and, were even a litigation to follow, you will not be able, nor ought you to be willing, to help it: for your estate will then be his right; and it will be unjust to wish it to be withheld from him.
One thing I would advise you to think of; and that is, of proper settlements: it will be to the credit of your prudence and of his justice (and the more as matters stand) that something of this should be done before you marry. Bad as he is, n.o.body accounts him a sordid man. And I wonder he has been hitherto silent on that subject.
I am not displeased with his proposal about the widow lady"s house. I think it will do very well. But if it must be three weeks before you can be certain about it, surely you need not put off his day for that s.p.a.ce: and he may bespeak his equipages. Surprising to me, as well as to you, that he could be so acquiescent!
I repeat--continue to write to me. I insist upon it; and that as minutely as possible: or, take the consequence. I send this by a particular hand. I am, and ever will be,
Your most affectionate, ANNA HOWE.
LETTER XI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE THURSDAY, MAY 4.
I forego every other engagement, I suspend ever wish, I banish every other fear, to take up my pen, to beg of you that you will not think of being guilty of such an act of love as I can never thank you for; but must for ever regret. If I must continue to write to you, I must. I know full well your impatience of control, when you have the least imagination that your generosity or friendship is likely to be wondered at.
My dearest, dearest creature, would you incur a maternal, as I have a paternal, malediction? Would not the world think there was an infection in my fault, if it were to be followed by Miss Howe? There are some points so flagrantly wrong that they will not bear to be argued upon.
This is one of them. I need not give reasons against such a rashness.