Would you not have thought something might have been obtained in my favour, from an offer so reasonable, from an expedient so proper, as I imagine, to put a tolerable end, as from myself, to a correspondence I hardly know how otherwise, with safety to some of my family, to get rid of?--But my brother"s plan, (which my mother spoke of, and of which I have in vain endeavoured to procure a copy, with a design to take it to pieces, and expose it, as I question not there is room to do,) joined with my father"s impatience of contradiction, are irresistible.
I have not been in bed all night; nor am I in the least drowsy.
Expectation, and hope, and doubt, (an uneasy state!) kept me sufficiently wakeful. I stept down at my usual time, that it might not be known I had not been in bed; and gave directions in the family way.
About eight o"clock, Sh.o.r.ey came to me from my mother with orders to attend her in her chamber.
My mother had been weeping, I saw by her eyes: but her aspect seemed to be less tender, and less affectionate, than the day before; and this, as soon as I entered into her presence, struck me with an awe, which gave a great damp to my spirits.
Sit down, Clary Harlowe; I shall talk to you by-and-by: and continued looking into a drawer among laces and linens, in a way neither busy nor unbusy.
I believe it was a quarter of an hour before she spoke to me (my heart throbbing with the suspense all the time); and then she asked me coldly, What directions I had given for the day?
I shewed her the bill of fare for this day, and to-morrow, if, I said, it pleased her to approve of it.
She made a small alteration in it; but with an air so cold and so solemn, as added to my emotions.
Mr. Harlowe talks of dining out to-day, I think, at my brother Antony"s--
Mr. Harlowe!--Not my father!--Have I not then a father!--thought I.
Sit down when I bid you.
I sat down.
You look very sullen, Clary.
I hope not, Madam.
If children would always be children--parents--And there she stopt.
She then went to her toilette, and looked into the gla.s.s, and gave half a sigh--the other half, as if she would not have sighed if she could have helped it, she gently hem"d away.
I don"t love to see the girl look so sullen.
Indeed, Madam, I am not sullen.--And I arose, and, turning from her, drew out my handkerchief; for the tears ran down my cheeks.
I thought, by the gla.s.s before me, I saw the mother in her softened eye cast towards me. But her words confirmed not the hoped-for tenderness.
One of the most provoking things in this world is, to have people cry for what they can help!
I wish to heaven I could, Madam!--And I sobbed again.
Tears of penitence and sobs of perverseness are mighty well suited!--You may go up to your chamber. I shall talk with you by-and-by.
I courtesied with reverence.
Mock me not with outward gestures of respect. The heart, Clary, is what I want.
Indeed, Madam, you have it. It is not so much mine as my Mamma"s!
Fine talking!--As somebody says, If words were to pa.s.s for duty, Clarissa Harlowe would be the dutifulest child breathing.
G.o.d bless that somebody!--Be it whom it will, G.o.d bless that somebody!--And I courtesied, and, pursuant to her last command, was going.
She seemed struck; but was to be angry with me.
So turning from me, she spoke with quickness, Whither now, Clary Harlowe?
You commanded me, Madam, to go to my chamber.
I see you are very ready to go out of my presence.--Is your compliance the effect of sullenness, or obedience?--You are very ready to leave me.
I could hold no longer; but threw myself at her feet: O my dearest Mamma! Let me know all I am to suffer! Let me know what I am to be!--I will bear it, if I can bear it: but your displeasure I cannot bear!
Leave me, leave me, Clary Harlowe!--No kneeling!--Limbs so supple! Will so stubborn!--Rise, I tell you.
I cannot rise! I will disobey my Mamma, when she bids me leave her without being reconciled to me! No sullens, my Mamma: no perverseness: but, worse than either: this is direct disobedience!--Yet tear not yourself from me! [wrapping my arms about her as I kneeled; she struggling to get from me; my face lifted up to hers, with eyes running over, that spoke not my heart if they were not all humility and reverence] You must not, must not, tear yourself from me! [for still the dear lady struggled, and looked this way and that, all in a sweet disorder, as if she knew not what to do].--I will neither rise, nor leave you, nor let you go, till you say you are not angry with me.
O thou ever-moving child of my heart! [folding her dear arms about my neck, as mine embraced her knees] Why was this task--But leave me!--You have discomposed me beyond expression! Leave me, my dear!--I won"t be angry with you--if I can help it--if you"ll be good.
I arose trembling, and, hardly knowing what I did, or how I stood or walked, withdrew to my chamber. My Hannah followed me as soon as she heard me quit my mother"s presence, and with salts and spring-water just kept me from fainting; and that was as much as she could do. It was near two hours before I could so far recover myself as to take up my pen, to write to you how unhappily my hopes have ended.
My mother went down to breakfast. I was not fit to appear: but if I had been better, I suppose I should not have been sent for; since the permission for my attending her down, was given by my father (when in my chamber) only on condition that she found me worthy of the name of daughter. That, I doubt, I shall never be in his opinion, if he be not brought to change his mind as to this Mr. Solmes.
LETTER XIX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE [IN ANSWER TO LETTER XV.] SAT. MARCH 4, 12 O"CLOCK.
Hannah has just now brought me from the usual place your favour of yesterday. The contents of it have made me very thoughtful; and you will have an answer in my gravest style.--I to have that Mr. Solmes!--No indeed!--I will sooner--But I will write first to those pa.s.sages in your letter which are less concerning, that I may touch upon this part with more patience.
As to what you mention of my sister"s value for Mr. Lovelace, I am not very much surprised at it. She takes such officious pains, and it is so much her subject, to have it thought that she never did, and never could like him, that she gives but too much room to suspect that she does. She never tells the story of their parting, and of her refusal of him, but her colour rises, she looks with disdain upon me, and mingles anger with the airs she gives herself:--anger as well as airs, demonstrating, that she refused a man whom she thought worth accepting: Where else is the reason either for anger or boast?--Poor Bella! She is to be pitied--she cannot either like or dislike with temper! Would to heaven she had been mistress of all her wishes!--Would to heaven she had!
As to what you say of my giving up to my father"s controul the estate devised me, my motives at the time, as you acknowledge, were not blamable. Your advice to me on the subject was grounded, as I remember, on your good opinion of me; believing that I should not make a bad use of the power willed me. Neither you nor I, my dear, although you now a.s.sume the air of a diviner, [pardon me] could have believed that would have happened which has happened, as to my father"s part particularly.
You were indeed jealous of my brother"s views against me; or rather of his predominant love of himself; but I did not think so hardly of my brother and sister as you always did. You never loved them; and ill-will has eyes ever open to the faulty side; as good-will or love is blind even to real imperfections. I will briefly recollect my motives.
I found jealousies and uneasiness rising in every breast, where all before was unity and love. The honoured testator was reflected upon: a second childhood was attributed to him; and I was censured, as having taken advantage of it. All young creatures, thought I, more or less, covet independency; but those who wish most for it, are seldom the fittest to be trusted either with the government of themselves, or with power over others. This is certainly a very high and unusual devise to so young a creature. We should not aim at all we have power to do. To take all that good-nature, or indulgence, or good opinion confers, shews a want of moderation, and a graspingness that is unworthy of that indulgence; and are bad indications of the use that may be made of the power bequeathed. It is true, thought I, that I have formed agreeable schemes of making others as happy as myself, by the proper discharge of the stewardship intrusted to me. [Are not all estates stewardships, my dear?] But let me examine myself: Is not vanity, or secret love of praise, a princ.i.p.al motive with me at the bottom?--Ought I not to suspect my own heart? If I set up for myself, puffed up with every one"s good opinion, may I not be left to myself?--Every one"s eyes are upon the conduct, upon the visits, upon the visiters, of a young creature of our s.e.x, made independent: And are not such subjected, more than any others, to the attempts of enterprisers and fortune-seekers?--And then, left to myself, should I take a wrong step, though with ever so good an intention, how many should I have to triumph over me, how few to pity me!--The more of the one, and the fewer of the other, for having aimed at excelling.
These were some of my reflections at the time: and I have no doubt, but that in the same situation I should do the very same thing; and that upon the maturest deliberation. Who can command or foresee events? To act up to our best judgments at the time, is all we can do. If I have erred, "tis to worldly wisdom only that I have erred. If we suffer by an act of duty, or even by an act of generosity, is it not pleasurable on reflection, that the fault is in others, rather than in ourselves?--I had much rather have reason to think others unkind, than that they should have any to think me undutiful.
And so, my dear, I am sure had you.
And now for the most concerning part of your letter.