No generosity in this lady. None at all. Wouldst thou not have thought, that after I had permitted her to withdraw, primed for mischief as I was, she would meet me next morning early; and that with a smile; making me one of her best courtesies?
I was in the dining-room before six, expecting her. She opened not her door. I went up stairs and down; and hemm"d; and called Will.; called Dorcas; threw the doors hard to; but still she opened not her door. Thus till half an hour after eight, fooled I away my time; and then (breakfast ready) I sent Dorcas to request her company.
But I was astonished, when (following the wench, as she did at the first invitation) I saw her enter dressed, all but her gloves, and those and her fan in her hand; in the same moment bidding Dorcas direct Will. to get her a chair to the door.
Cruel creature, thought I, to expose me thus to the derision of the women below!
Going abroad, Madam!
I am, Sir.
I looked cursed silly, I am sure. You will breakfast first, I hope, Madam; and a very humble strain; yet with an hundred tender looks in my heart.
Had she given me more notice of her intention, I had perhaps wrought myself up to the frame I was in the day before, and begun my vengeance.
And immediately came into my head all the virulence that had been transcribed for me from Miss Howe"s letters, and in that letter which I had transcribed myself.
Yes, she would drink one dish; and then laid her gloves and fan in the window just by.
I was perfectly disconcerted. I hemm"d, and was going to speak several times; but I knew not in what key. Who"s modest now! thought I. Who"s insolent now!--How a tyrant of a woman confounds a bashful man! She was acting Miss Howe, I thought; and I the spiritless Hickman.
At last, I will begin, thought I.
She a dish--I a dish.
Sip, her eyes her own, she; like a haughty and imperious sovereign, conscious of dignity, every look a favour.
Sip, like her va.s.sal, I; lips and hands trembling, and not knowing that I sipp"d or tasted.
I was--I was--I sipp"d--(drawing in my breath and the liquor together, though I scalded my mouth with it) I was in hopes, Madam--
Dorcas came in just then.--Dorcas, said she, is a chair gone for?
d.a.m.n"d impertinence, thought I, thus to put me out in my speech! And I was forced to wait for the servant"s answer to the insolent mistress"s question.
William is gone for one, Madam.
This cost me a minute"s silence before I could begin again. And then it was with my hopes, and my hopes, and my hopes, that I should have been early admitted to--
What weather is it, Dorcas? said she, as regardless of me as if I had not been present.
A little lowering, Madam--The sun is gone in--it was very fine half an hour ago.
I had no patience. Up I rose. Down went the tea-cup, saucer and all-- Confound the weather, the sunshine, and the wench!--Begone for a devil, when I am speaking to your lady, and have so little opportunity given me.
Up rose the saucy-face, half-frighted; and s.n.a.t.c.hed from the window her gloves and fan.
You must not go, Madam!--Seizing her hand--by my soul you must not--
Must not, Sir!--But I must--you can curse your maid in my absence, as well as if I were present----Except--except--you intend for me, what you direct to her.
Dearest creature, you must not go--you must not leave me--Such determined scorn! such contempts!--Questions asked your servant of no meaning but to break in upon me--I cannot bear it!
Detain me not [struggling.] I will not be withheld. I like you not, nor your ways. You sought to quarrel with me yesterday, for no reason in the world that I can think of, but because I was too obliging. You are an ungrateful man; and I hate you with my whole heart, Mr. Lovelace!
Do not make me desperate, Madam. Permit me to say, that you shall not leave me in this humour. Wherever you go, I will attend you. Had Miss Howe been my friend, I had not been thus treated. It is but too plain to whom my difficulties are owing. I have long observed, that every letter you received from her, makes an alteration in your behaviour to me. She would have you treat me, as she treats Mr. Hickman, I suppose: but neither does that treatment become your admirable temper to offer, nor me to receive.
This startled her. She did not care to have me think hardly of Miss Howe.
But recollecting herself, Miss Howe, said she, is a friend to virtue, and to good men. If she like not you, it is because you are not one of those.
Yes, Madam; and therefore to speak of Mr. Hickman and myself, as you both, I suppose, think of each, she treats him as she would not treat a Lovelace.--I challenge you, Madam, to shew me but one of the many letters you have received from her, where I am mentioned.
Miss Howe is just; Miss Howe is good, replied she. She writes, she speaks, of every body as they deserve. If you point me out but any one occasion, upon which you have reason to build a merit to yourself, as either just or good, or even generous, I will look out for her letter on that occasion [if such an occasion there be, I have certainly acquainted her with it]; and will engage it shall be in your favour.
Devilish severe! And as indelicate as severe, to put a modish man upon hunting backward after his own merits.
She would have flung from me: I will not be detained, Mr. Lovelace. I will go out.
Indeed you must not, Madam, in this humour. And I placed myself between her and the door.----And then, fanning, she threw herself into a chair, her sweet face all crimsoned over with pa.s.sion.
I cast myself at her feet.--Begone, Mr. Lovelace, said she, with a rejecting motion, her fan in her hand; for your own sake leave me!--My soul is above thee, man! with both her hands pushing me from her!--Urge me not to tell thee, how sincerely I think my soul above thee!--Thou hast, in mine, a proud, a too proud heart to contend with!--Leave me, and leave me for ever!--Thou has a proud heart to contend with!
Her air, her manner, her voice, were bewitchingly n.o.ble, though her words were so severe.
Let me worship an angel, said I, no woman. Forgive me, dearest creature!
--creature if you be, forgive me!--forgive my inadvertencies!--forgive my inequalities!--pity my infirmities!--Who is equal to my Clarissa?
I trembled between admiration and love; and wrapt my arms about her knees, as she sat. She tried to rise at the moment; but my clasping round her thus ardently, drew her down again; and never was woman more affrighted. But free as my clasping emotion might appear to her apprehensive heart, I had not, at the instant, any thought but what reverence inspired. And till she had actually withdrawn [which I permitted under promise of a speedy return, and on her consent to dismiss the chair] all the motions of my heart were as pure as her own.
She kept not her word. An hour I waited before I sent to claim her promise. She could not possibly see me yet, was her answer. As soon as she could, she would.
Dorcas says, she still excessively trembled; and ordered her to give her hartshorn and water.
A strange apprehensive creature! Her terror is too great for the occasion. Evils are often greater in apprehension than in reality. Hast thou never observed, that the terrors of a bird caught, and actually in the hand, bear no comparison to what we might have supposed those terrors would be, were we to have formed a judgment of the same bird by its shyness before it was taken?
Dear creature!--Did she never romp? Did she never, from girlhood to now, hoyden? The innocent kinds of freedom taken and allowed on these occasions, would have familiarized her to greater. Sacrilege but to touch the hem of her garment!--Excess of delicacy!--O the consecrated beauty! How can she think to be a wife?
But how do I know till I try, whether she may not by a less alarming treatment be prevailed upon, or whether [day, I have done with thee!] she may not yield to nightly surprises? This is still the burden of my song, I can marry her when I will. And if I do, after prevailing (whether by surprise, or by reluctant consent) whom but myself shall I have injured?
It is now eleven o"clock. She will see me as soon as she can, she tells Polly Horton, who made her a tender visit, and to whom she is less reserved than to any body else. Her emotion, she a.s.sures her, was not owing to perverseness, to nicety, to ill humour; but to weakness of heart. She has not strength of mind sufficient, she says, to enable her to support her condition.
Yet what a contradiction!--Weakness of heart, says she, with such a strength of will!--O Belford! she is a lion-hearted lady, in every case where her honour, her punctilio rather, calls for spirit. But I have had reason more than once in her case, to conclude, that the pa.s.sions of the gentle, slower to be moved than those of the quick, are the most flaming, the most irresistible, when raised.--Yet her charming body is not equally organized. The unequal partners pull two ways; and the divinity within her tears her silken frame. But had the same soul informed a masculine body, never would there have been a truer hero.
MONDAY, TWO O"CLOCK.