I was still speechless.
She folded the warm statue, as she was pleased to call me, in her arms; and entreated me, for heaven"s sake, to comply.
Speech and tears were lent me at the same time.--You have given me life, Madam, said I, clasping my uplifted hands together, and falling on one knee; a happy one, till now, has your goodness, and my papa"s, made it!
O do not, do not, make all the remainder of it miserable!
Your father, replied she, is resolved not to see you, till he sees you as obedient a child as you used to be. You have never been put to a test till now, that deserved to be called a test. This is, this must be, my last effort with you. Give me hope, my dear child: my peace is concerned: I will compound with you but for hope: and yet your father will not be satisfied without an implicit, and even a cheerful obedience--Give me but hope, child!
To give you hope, my dearest, my most indulgent Mamma, is to give you every thing. Can I be honest, if I give a hope that I cannot confirm?
She was very angry. She again called me perverse: she upbraided me with regarding only my own prepossessions, and respecting not either her peace of mind or my own duty:--"It is a grating thing, said she, for the parents of a child, who delighted in her in all the time of her helpless infancy, and throughout every stage of her childhood; and in every part of her education to womanhood, because of the promises she gave of proving the most grateful and dutiful of children; to find, just when the time arrived which should crown their wishes, that child stand in the way of her own happiness, and her parents" comfort,and, refusing an excellent offer and n.o.ble settlements, give suspicions to her anxious friends, that she would become the property of a vile rake and libertine, who (be the occasion what it will) defies her family, and has actually embrued his hands in her brother"s blood.
"I have had a very hard time of it, said she, between your father and you; for, seeing your dislike, I have more than once pleaded for you: but all to no purpose. I am only treated as a too fond mother, who, from motives of a blamable indulgence, encourage a child to stand in opposition to a father"s will. I am charged with dividing the family into two parts; I and my youngest daughter standing against my husband, his two brothers, my son, my eldest daughter, and my sister Hervey.
I have been told, that I must be convinced of the fitness as well as advantage to the whole (your brother and Mr. Lovelace out of the question) of carrying the contract with Mr. Solmes, on which so many contracts depend, into execution.
"Your father"s heart, I tell you once more, is in it: he has declared, that he had rather have no daughter in you, than one he cannot dispose of for your own good: especially if you have owned, that your heart is free; and as the general good of his whole family is to be promoted by your obedience. He has pleaded, poor man! that his frequent gouty paroxysms (every fit more threatening than the former) give him no extraordinary prospects, either of worldly happiness, or of long days: and he hopes, that you, who have been supposed to have contributed to the lengthening of your grandfather"s life, will not, by your disobedience, shorten your father"s."
This was a most affecting plea, my dear. I wept in silence upon it. I could not speak to it. And my mother proceeded: "What therefore can be his motives, Clary Harlowe, in the earnest desire he has to see this treaty perfected, but the welfare and aggrandizement of his family; which already having fortunes to become the highest condition, cannot but aspire to greater distinctions? However slight such views as these may appear to you, Clary, you know, that they are not slight ones to any other of the family: and your father will be his own judge of what is and what is not likely to promote the good of his children. Your abstractedness, child, (affectation of abstractedness, some call it,) savours, let me tell you, of greater particularity, than we aim to carry. Modesty and humility, therefore, will oblige you rather to mistrust yourself of peculiarity, than censure views which all the world pursues, as opportunity offers."
I was still silent; and she proceeded--"It is owing to the good opinion, Clary, which your father has of you, and of your prudence, duty, and grat.i.tude, that he engaged for your compliance, in your absence (before you returned from Miss Howe); and that he built and finished contracts upon it, which cannot be made void, or cancelled."
But why then, thought I, did they receive me, on my return from Miss Howe, with so much intimidating solemnity?--To be sure, my dear, this argument, as well as the rest, was obtruded upon my mother.
She went on, "Your father has declared, that your unexpected opposition, [unexpected she was pleased to call it,] and Mr. Lovelace"s continued menaces and insults, more and more convince him, that a short day is necessary in order to put an end to all that man"s hopes, and to his own apprehensions resulting from the disobedience of a child so favoured. He has therefore actually ordered patterns of the richest silks to be sent for from London--"
I started--I was out of breath--I gasped, at this frightful precipitance--I was going to open with warmth against it. I knew whose the happy expedient must be: female minds, I once heard my brother say, that could but be brought to balance on the change of their state, might easily be determined by the glare and splendour of the nuptial preparations, and the pride of becoming the mistress of a family.--But she was pleased to hurry on, that I might not have time to express my disgusts at such a communication--to this effect: "Your father therefore, my Clary, cannot, either for your sake, or his own, labour under a suspense so affecting to his repose. He has even thought fit to acquaint me, on my pleading for you, that it becomes me, as I value my own peace, [how harsh to such a wife!] and as I wish, that he does not suspect that I secretly favour the address of a vile rake, (a character which all the s.e.x, he is pleased to say, virtuous and vicious, are but too fond of!) to exert my authority over you: and that this I may the less scrupulously do, as you have owned [the old string!] that your heart is free."
Unworthy reflection in my mother"s case, surely, this of our s.e.x"s valuing a libertine; since she made choice of my father in preference to several suitors of equal fortune, because they were of inferior reputation for morals!
"Your father, added she, at his going out, told me what he expected from me, in case I found out that I had not the requisite influence upon you--It was this--That I should directly separate myself from you, and leave you singly to take the consequence of your double disobedience--I therefore entreat you, my dear Clarissa, concluded she, and that in the most earnest and condescending manner, to signify to your father, on his return, your ready obedience; and this as well for my sake as your own."
Affected by my mother"s goodness to me, and by that part of her argument which related to her own peace, and to the suspicions they had of her secretly inclining to prefer the man so hated by them, to the man so much my aversion, I could not but wish it were possible for me to obey, I therefore paused, hesitated, considered, and was silent for some time.
I could see, that my mother hoped that the result of this hesitation would be favourable to her arguments. But then recollecting, that all was owing to the instigations of a brother and sister, wholly actuated by selfish and envious views; that I had not deserved the treatment I had of late met with; that my disgrace was already become the public talk; that the man was Mr. Solmes; and that my aversion to him was too generally known, to make my compliance either creditable to myself or to them: that it would give my brother and sister a triumph over me, and over Mr. Lovelace, which they would not fail to glory in; and which, although it concerned me but little to regard on his account, yet might be attended with fatal mischiefs--And then Mr. Solmes"s disagreeable person; his still more disagreeable manners; his low understanding--Understanding! the glory of a man, so little to be dispensed with in the head and director of a family, in order to preserve to him that respect which a good wife (and that for the justification of her own choice) should pay him herself, and wish every body to pay him.--And as Mr. Solmes"s inferiority in this respectable faculty of the human mind [I must be allowed to say this to you, and no great self a.s.sumption neither] would proclaim to all future, as well as to all present observers, what must have been my mean inducement. All these reflections crowding upon my remembrance; I would, Madam, said I, folding my hands, with an earnestness in which my whole heart was engaged, bear the cruelest tortures, bear loss of limb, and even of life, to give you peace. But this man, every moment I would, at you command, think of him with favour, is the more my aversion. You cannot, indeed you cannot, think, how my whole soul resists him!--And to talk of contracts concluded upon; of patterns; of a short day!--Save me, save me, O my dearest Mamma, save your child, from this heavy, from this insupportable evil--!
Never was there a countenance that expressed so significantly, as my mother"s did, an anguish, which she struggled to hide, under an anger she was compelled to a.s.sume--till the latter overcoming the former, she turned from me with an uplifted eye, and stamping--Strange perverseness!
were the only words I heard of a sentence that she angrily p.r.o.nounced; and was going. I then, half-frantically I believe, laid hold of her gown--Have patience with me, dearest Madam! said I--Do not you renounce me totally!--If you must separate yourself from your child, let it not be with absolute reprobation on your own part!--My uncles may be hard-hearted--my father may be immovable--I may suffer from my brother"s ambition, and from my sister"s envy!--But let me not lose my Mamma"s love; at least, her pity.
She turned to me with benigner rays--You have my love! You have my pity!
But, O my dearest girl--I have not yours.
Indeed, indeed, Madam, you have: and all my reverence, all my grat.i.tude, you have!--But in this one point--Cannot I be this once obliged?--Will no expedient be accepted? Have I not made a very fair proposal as to Mr.
Lovelace?
I wish, for both our sakes, my dear unpersuadable girl, that the decision of this point lay with me. But why, when you know it does not, why should you thus perplex and urge me?--To renounce Mr. Lovelace is now but half what is aimed at. Nor will any body else believe you in earnest in the offer, if I would. While you remain single, Mr. Lovelace will have hopes--and you, in the opinion of others, inclinations.
Permit me, dearest Madam, to say, that your goodness to me, your patience, your peace, weigh more with me, than all the rest put together: for although I am to be treated by my brother, and, through his instigations, by my father, as a slave in this point, and not as a daughter, yet my mind is not that of a slave. You have not brought me up to be mean.
So, Clary! you are already at defiance with your father! I have had too much cause before to apprehend as much--What will this come to?--I, and then my dear mamma sighed--I, am forced to put up with many humours--
That you are, my ever-honoured Mamma, is my grief. And can it be thought, that this very consideration, and the apprehension of what may result from a much worse-tempered man, (a man who has not half the sense of my father,) has not made an impression upon me, to the disadvantage of the married life? Yet "tis something of an alleviation, if one must bear undue controul, to bear it from a man of sense. My father, I have heard you say, Madam, was for years a very good-humoured gentleman--un.o.bjectionable in person and manners--but the man proposed to me--
Forbear reflecting upon your father: [Did I, my dear, in what I have repeated, and I think they are the very words, reflect upon my father?]
it is not possible, I must say again, and again, were all men equally indifferent to you, that you should be thus st.u.r.dy in your will. I am tired out with your obstinacy--The most unpersuadable girl--You forget, that I must separate myself from you, if you will not comply. You do not remember that you father will take you up, where I leave you. Once more, however, I will put it to you,--Are you determined to brave your father"s displeasure?--Are you determined to defy your uncles?--Do you choose to break with us all, rather than encourage Mr. Solmes?--Rather than give me hope?
Dreadful alternative--But is not my sincerity, is not the integrity of my heart, concerned in the answer? May not my everlasting happiness be the sacrifice? Will not the least shadow of the hope you just now demanded from me, be driven into absolute and sudden certainty? Is it not sought to ensnare, to entangle me in my own desire of obeying, if I could give answers that might be construed into hope?--Forgive me, Madam: bear with your child"s boldness in such a cause as this!--Settlements drawn!--Patterns sent for!--An early day!--Dear, dear Madam, how can I give hope, and not intend to be this man"s?
Ah, girl, never say your heart is free! You deceive yourself if you think it is.
Thus to be driven [and I wrung my hands through impatience] by the instigations of a designing, an ambitious brother, and by a sister, that--
How often, Clary, must I forbid your unsisterly reflections?--Does not your father, do not your uncles, does not every body, patronize Mr. Solmes? And let me tell you, ungrateful girl, and unmovable as ungrateful, let me repeatedly tell you, that it is evident to me, that nothing but a love unworthy of your prudence can make you a creature late so dutiful, now so st.u.r.dy. You may guess what your father"s first question on his return will be. He must know, that I can do nothing with you. I have done my part. Seek me, if your mind change before he comes back: you have yet a little more time, as he stays supper. I will no more seek you, nor to you.--And away she flung.
What could I do but weep?
I am extremely affected on my mother"s account--more, I must needs say, than on my own. And indeed, all things considered, and especially, that the measure she is engaged in, is (as I dare say it is) against her own judgment, she deserves more compa.s.sion than myself.--Excellent woman!
What pity, that meekness and condescension should not be attended with the due rewards of those charming graces!--Yet had she not let violent spirits (as I have elsewhere observed with no small regret) find their power over hers, it could not have been thus.
But here, run away with my pen, I suffer my mother to be angry with me on her own account. She hinted to me, indeed, that I must seek her, if my mind changed; which is a condition that amounts to a prohibition of attending her: but, as she left me in displeasure, will it not have a very obstinate appearance, and look like a kind of renunciation of her mediation in my favour, if I go not down before my father returns, to supplicate her pity, and her kind report to him?
I will attend her. I had rather all the world should be angry with me than my mamma!
Mean time, to clear my hands from papers of such a nature, Hannah shall deposit this. If two or three letters reach you together, they will but express from one period to another, the anxieties and difficulties which the mind of your unhappy but ever affectionate friend labours under.
CL. H.
LETTER XXI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE SAT. NIGHT.
I have been down. I am to be unlucky in all I do, I think, be my intentions ever so good. I have made matters worse instead of better: as I shall now tell you.
I found my mother and sister together in my sister"s parlour. My mother, I fear, by the glow of her fine face, (and as the browner, sullener glow in her sister"s confirmed,) had been expressing herself with warmth, against her unhappier child: perhaps giving such an account of what had pa.s.sed, as should clear herself, and convince Bella, and, through her, my brother and uncles, of the sincere pains she had taken with me.
I entered like a dejected criminal; and besought the favour of a private audience. My mother"s return, both looks and words, gave but too much reason for my above surmise.
You have, said she [looking at me with a sternness that never sits well on her sweet features] rather a requesting than a conceding countenance, Clarissa Harlowe: if I am mistaken, tell me so; and I will withdraw with you wherever you will.--Yet whether so, or not, you may say what you have to say before your sister.
My mother, I thought, might have withdrawn with me, as she knows that I have not a friend in my sister.
I come down, Madam, said I, to beg of you to forgive me for any thing you may have taken amiss in what pa.s.sed above respecting your honoured self; and that you will be pleased to use your endeavours to soften my papa"s displeasure against me, on his return.
Such aggravating looks; such lifting up of hands and eyes; such a furrowed forehead, in my sister!
My mother was angry enough without all that; and asked me to what purpose I came down, if I were still so intractable.