The man, my dear, has got the letter!--What a strange diligence! I wish he mean me well, that he takes so much pains!--Yet, to be ingenuous, I must own, that I should be displeased if he took less--I wish, however, he had been an hundred miles off!--What an advantage have I given him over me!
Now the letter is out of my power, I have more uneasiness and regret than I had before. For, till now, I had a doubt, whether it should or should not go: and now I think it ought not to have gone. And yet is there any other way than to do as I have done, if I would avoid Solmes?
But what a giddy creature shall I be thought, if I pursue the course to which this letter must lead me?
My dearest friend, tell me, have I done wrong?--Yet do not say I have, if you think it; for should all the world besides condemn me, I shall have some comfort, if you do not. The first time I ever besought you to flatter me. That, of itself, is an indication that I have done wrong, and am afraid of hearing the truth--O tell me (but yet do not tell me) if I have done wrong!
FRIDAY, ELEVEN O"CLOCK.
My aunt has made me another visit. She began what she had to say with letting me know that my friends are all persuaded that I still correspond with Mr. Lovelace; as is plain, she said, by hints and menaces he throws out, which shew that he is apprized of several things that have pa.s.sed between my relations and me, sometimes within a very little while after they have happened.
Although I approve not of the method he stoops to take to come at his intelligence, yet it is not prudent in me to clear myself by the ruin of the corrupted servant, (although his vileness has neither my connivance nor approbation,) since my doing so might occasion the detection of my own correspondence; and so frustrate all the hopes I have to avoid this Solmes. Yet it is not at all likely, that this very agent of Mr.
Lovelace acts a double part between my brother and him: How else can our family know (so soon too) his menaces upon the pa.s.sages they hint at?
I a.s.sured my aunt, that I was too much ashamed of the treatment I met with (and that from every one"s sake as well as for my own) to acquaint Mr. Lovelace with the particulars of that treatment, even were the means of corresponding with him afforded me: that I had reason to think, that if he were to know of it from me, we must be upon such terms, that he would not scruple making some visits, which would give me great apprehensions. They all knew, I said, that I had no communication with any of my father"s servants, except my sister"s Betty Barnes: for although I had a good opinion of them all, and believed, if left to their own inclinations, that they would be glad to serve me; yet, finding by their shy behaviour, that they were under particular direction, I had forborn, ever since my Hannah had been so disgracefully dismissed, so much as to speak to any of them, for fear I should be the occasion of their losing their places too. They must, therefore, account among themselves for the intelligence Mr. Lovelace met with, since neither my brother nor sister, (as Betty had frequently, in praise of their open hearts, informed me,) nor perhaps their favourite Mr. Solmes, were all careful before whom they spoke, when they had any thing to throw out against him, or even against me, whom they took great pride to join with him on this occasion.
It was but too natural, my aunt said, for my friends to suppose that he had his intelligence (part of it at least) from me; who, thinking yourself hardly treated, might complain of it, if not to him, to Miss Howe; which, perhaps, might be the same thing; for they knew Miss Howe spoke as freely of them, as they could do of Mr. Lovelace; and must have the particulars she spoke of from somebody who knew what was done here.
That this determined my father to bring the whole matter to a speedy issue, lest fatal consequences should ensue.
I perceive you are going to speak with warmth, proceeded she: [and so I was] for my own part I am sure, you would not write any thing, if you do write, to inflame so violent a spirit.--But this is not the end of my present visit.
You cannot, my dear, but be convinced, that your father will be obeyed.
The more you contend against his will, the more he thinks himself obliged to a.s.sert his authority. Your mother desires me to tell you, that if you will give her the least hopes of a dutiful compliance, she will be willing to see you in her closet just now, while your father is gone to take a walk in the garden.
Astonishing perseverance! said I--I am tired with making declarations and with pleadings on this subject; and had hoped, that my resolution being so well known, I should not have been further urged upon it.
You mistake the purport of my present visit, Miss: [looking gravely]--Heretofore you have been desired and prayed to obey and oblige your friends. Entreaty is at an end: they give it up. Now it is resolved upon, that your father"s will is to be obeyed; as it is fit it should.
Some things are laid at your door, as if you concurred with Lovelace"s threatened violence to carry you off, which your mother will not believe. She will tell you her own good opinion of you. She will tell you how much she still loves you; and what she expects of you on the approaching occasion. But yet, that she may not be exposed to an opposition which would the more provoke her, she desires that you will first a.s.sure her that you go down with a resolution to do that with a grace which must be done with or without a grace. And besides, she wants to give you some advice how to proceed in order to reconcile yourself to your father, and to every body else. Will you go down, Miss Clary, or will you not?
I said, I should think myself happy, could I be admitted to my mother"s presence, after so long a banishment from it; but that I could not wish it upon those terms.
And this is your answer, Niece?
It must be my answer, Madam. Come what may, I never will have Mr.
Solmes. It is cruel to press this matter so often upon me.--I never will have that man.
Down she went with displeasure. I could not help it. I was quite tired with so many attempts, all to the same purpose. I am amazed that they are not!--So little variation! and no concession on either side!
I will go down and deposit this; for Betty has seen I have been writing.
The saucy creature took a napkin, and dipt it in water, and with a fleering air, here, Miss; holding the wet corner to me.
What"s that for? said I.
Only, Miss, one of the fingers of your right-hand, if you please to look at it.
It was inky.
I gave her a look; but said nothing.
But, lest I should have another search, I will close here.
CL. HARLOWE.
LETTER XLI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE FRIDAY, ONE O"CLOCK.
I have a letter from Mr. Lovelace, full of transports, vows, and promises. I will send it to you enclosed. You"ll see how "he engages in it for Lady Betty"s protection, and for Miss Charlotte Montague"s accompanying me. I have nothing to do, but to persevere, he says, and prepare to receive the personal congratulations of his whole family."
But you"ll see how he presumes upon my being his, as the consequence of throwing myself into that lady"s protection.
"The chariot and six is to be ready at the place he mentions. You"ll see as to the slur upon my reputation, about which I am so apprehensive, how boldly he argues." Generously enough, indeed, were I to be his; and had given him to believe that I would.--But that I have not done.
How one step brings on another with this encroaching s.e.x; how soon a young creature, who gives a man the least encouragement, be carried beyond her intentions, and out of her own power! You would imagine, by what he writes, that I have given him reason to think that my aversion to Mr. Solmes is all owing to my favour for him.
The dreadful thing is, that comparing what he writes from his intelligencer of what is designed against me (though he seems not to know the threatened day) with what my aunt and Betty a.s.sure me of, there can be no hope for me, but that I must be Solmes"s wife, if I stay here.
I had better have gone to my uncle Antony"s at this rate. I should have gained time, at least, by it. This is the fruit of his fine contrivances!
"What we are to do, and how good he is to be: how I am to direct all his future steps." All this shews, as I said before, that he is sure of me.
However, I have replied to the following effect: "That although I had given him room to expect that I would put myself into the protection of one of the ladies of his family; yet as I have three days to come, between this and Monday, and as I still hope that my friends will relent, or that Mr. Solmes will give up a point they will find impossible to carry; I shall not look upon myself as absolutely bound by the appointment: and expect therefore, if I recede, that I shall not again be called to account for it by him. That I think it necessary to acquaint him, that if my throwing myself upon Lady Betty Lawrance"s protection, as he proposed, he understands, that I mean directly to put myself into his power, he is very much mistaken: for that there are many point in which I must be satisfied; several matters to be adjusted, even after I have left this house, (if I do leave it,) before I can think of giving him any particular encouragement: that in the first place he must expect that I will do my utmost to procure my father"s reconciliation and approbation of my future steps; and that I will govern myself entirely by his commands, in every reasonable point, as much as if I had not left his house: that if he imagines I shall not reserve to myself this liberty, but that my withdrawing is to give him any advantages which he would not otherwise have had; I am determined to stay where I am, and abide the event, in hopes that my friends will still accept of my reiterated promise never to marry him, or any body else, without their consent.
This I will deposit as soon as I can. And as he thinks things are near their crisis, I dare say it will not be long before I have an answer to it.
FRIDAY, FOUR O"CLOCK.
I am really ill. I was used to make the best of any little accidents that befel me, for fear of making my then affectionate friends uneasy: but now I shall make the worst of my indisposition, in hopes to obtain a suspension of the threatened evil of Wednesday next. And if I do obtain it, will postpone my appointment with Mr. Lovelace.
Betty has told them that I am very much indisposed. But I have no pity from any body.
I believe I am become the object of every one"s aversion; and that they would all be glad if I were dead. Indeed I believe it. "What ails the perverse creature?" cries one:--"Is she love-sick?" another.
I was in the ivy summer-house, and came out shivering with cold, as if aguishly affected. Betty observed this, and reported it.--"O no matter!--Let her shiver on!--Cold cannot hurt her. Obstinacy will defend her from harm. Perverseness is a bracer to a love-sick girl, and more effectual than the cold bath to make hardy, although the const.i.tution be ever so tender."
This was said by a cruel brother, and heard said by the dearer friends of one, for whom, but a few months ago, every body was apprehensive at the least blast of wind to which she exposed herself!
Betty, it must be owned, has an admirable memory on these occasions.
Nothing of this nature is lost by her repet.i.tion: even the very air with which she repeats what she hears said, renders it unnecessary to ask, who spoke this or that severe thing.