Seeing her desperation, I begged her to be pacified; that she would hear me speak but one word; declaring that I intended no dishonour to her: and having seized the scissors, I threw them into the chimney; and she still insisting vehemently upon my distance, I permitted her to take the chair.
But, O the sweet discomposure!--Her bared shoulders, and arms so inimitably fair and lovely: her spread hands crossed over her charming neck; yet not half concealing its glossy beauties: the scanty coat, as she rose from me, giving the whole of her admirable shape, and fine- turn"d limbs: her eyes running over, yet seeming to threaten future vengeance: and at last her lips uttering what every indignant look and glowing feature portended: exclaiming as if I had done the worst I could do, and vowing never to forgive me; wilt thou wonder if I resumed the incensed, the already too-much-provoked fair-one?
I did; and clasped her once more to my bosom: but, considering the delicacy of her frame, her force was amazing, and showed how much in earnest she was in her resentment; for it was with the utmost difficulty that I was able to hold her: nor could I prevent her sliding through my arms, to fall upon her knees: which she did at my feet: and there in the anguish of her soul, her streaming eyes lifted up to my face with supplicating softness, hands folded, dishevelled hair; for her night head-dress having fallen off in her struggling, her charming tresses fell down in naturally shining ringlets, as if officious to conceal the dazzling beauties of her neck and shoulders; her lovely bosom too heaving with sighs, and broken sobs, as if to aid her quivering lips in pleading for her--in this manner, but when her grief gave way to her speech, in words p.r.o.nounced with that emphatical propriety, which distinguishes this admirable creature in her elocution from all the women I ever heard speak, did she implore my compa.s.sion and my honour.
"Consider me, dear Lovelace," [dear was her charming word!] "on my knees I beg you to consider me as a poor creature who has no protector but you; who has no defence but your honour: by that honour! by your humanity! by all you have vowed! I conjure you not to make me abhor myself! not to make me vile in my own eyes!"
I mentioned to-morrow as the happiest day of my life.
Tell me not of to-morrow. If indeed you mean me honourably, now, this very instant NOW! you must show it, and be gone! you can never in a whole long life repair the evils you NOW make me suffer!
Wicked wretch!--Insolent villain!--yes, she called me insolent villain, although so much in my power! And for what!--only for kissing (with pa.s.sion indeed) her inimitable neck, her lips, her cheeks, her forehead, and her streaming eyes, as this a.s.semblage of beauties offered itself at once to my ravished sight; she continuing kneeling at my feet as I sat.
If I am a villain, Madam!--And then my grasping, but trembling hand--I hope I did not hurt the tenderest and loveliest of all her beauties--If I am a villain, Madam--
She tore my ruffle, shrunk from my happy hand, with amazing force and agility, as with my other arm I would have encircled her waist.
Indeed you are!--the worst of villains!--Help! dear, blessed people! and screamed out--No help for a poor creature!
Am I then a villain, Madam?--Am I then a villain, say you?--and clasped both my arms about her, offering to raise her to my bounding heart.
Oh! no!--And yet you are!--And again I was her dear Lovelace!--her hands again clasped over her charming bosom:--Kill me! kill me!--if I am odious enough in your eyes to deserve this treatment: and I will thank you!--Too long, much too long has my life been a burden to me!--Or, (wildly looking all round her,) give me but the means, and I will instantly convince you that my honour is dearer to me than my life!
Then, with still folded hands, and fresh streaming eyes, I was her blessed Lovelace; and she would thank me with her latest breath if I would permit her to make that preference, or free her from farther indignities.
I sat suspended for a moment: by my soul, thought I, thou art, upon full proof, an angel and no woman! still, however, close clasping her to my bosom, as I raised her from her knees, she again slid through my arms, and dropped upon them.--"See, Mr. Lovelace!--Good G.o.d! that I should live to see this hour, and to bear this treatment!--See at your feet a poor creature, imploring your pity; who, for your sake, is abandoned of all the world. Let not my father"s curse thus dreadfully operate! be not you the inflicter, who have been the cause of it: but spare me, I beseech you, spare me!--for how have I deserved this treatment from you? for your own sake, if not for my sake, and as you would that G.o.d Almighty, in your last hour, should have mercy upon you, spare me!"
What heart but must have been penetrated!
I would again have raised the dear suppliant from her knees; but she would not be raised, till my softened mind, she said, had yielded to her prayer, and bid her rise to be innocent.
Rise then, my angel! rise, and be what you are, and all you wish to be!
only p.r.o.nounce me pardoned for what has pa.s.sed, and tell me you will continue to look upon me with that eye of favour and serenity which I have been blessed with for some days past, and I will submit to my beloved conqueress, whose power never was at so great an height with me, as now, and retire to my apartment.
G.o.d Almighty, said she, hear your prayers in your most arduous moments, as you have heard mine! and now leave me, this moment leave me, to my own recollection: in that you will leave me to misery enough, and more than you ought to wish to your bitterest enemy.
Impute not every thing, my best beloved, to design, for design it was not--
O Mr. Lovelace!
Upon my soul, Madam, the fire was real--[and so it was, Jack!]--The house, my dearest life, might have been consumed by it, as you will be convinced in the morning by ocular demonstration.
O Mr. Lovelace!--
Let my pa.s.sion for you, Madam, and the unexpected meeting of you at your chamber-door, in an att.i.tude so charming--
Leave me, leave me, this moment!--I beseech you leave me; looking wildly and in confusion about her, and upon herself.
Excuse me, my dearest creature, for those liberties which, innocent as they were, your too great delicacy may make you take amiss--
No more! no more!--leave me, I beseech you! again looking upon herself, and round her, in a sweet confusion--Begone! begone!
Then weeping, she struggled vehemently to withdraw her hands, which all the while I held between mine.--Her struggles!--O what additional charms, as I now reflect, did her struggles give to every feature, every limb, of a person so sweetly elegant and lovely!
Impossible, my dearest life, till you p.r.o.nounce my pardon!--Say but you forgive me!--say but you forgive me!
I beseech you to be gone! leave me to myself, that I may think what I can do, and what I ought to do.
That, my dearest creature, is not enough. You must tell me that I am forgiven; that you will see me to-morrow as if nothing had happened.
And then I clasped her again in my arms, hoping she would not forgive me--
I will--I do forgive you--wretch that you are!
Nay, my Clarissa! and is it such a reluctant pardon, mingled with a word so upbraiding, that I am to be put off with, when you are thus (clasping her close to me) in my power?
I do, I do forgive you!
Heartily?
Yes, heartily!
And freely?
Freely!
And will you look upon me to-morrow as if nothing had pa.s.sed?
Yes, yes!
I cannot take these peevish affirmatives, so much like intentional negatives!--Say, you will, upon your honour.
Upon my honour, then--Oh! now, begone! begone!--and never never--
What! never, my angel!--Is this forgiveness?
Never, said she, let what has pa.s.sed be remembered more!
I insisted upon one kiss to seal my pardon--and retired like a fool, a woman"s fool, as I was!--I sneakingly retired!--Couldst thou have believed it?
But I had no sooner entered my own apartment, than reflecting upon the opportunity I had lost, and that all I had gained was but an increase of my own difficulties; and upon the ridicule I should meet with below upon a weakness so much out of my usual character; I repented, and hastened back, in hope that, through the distress of mind which I left her in, she had not so soon fastened the door; and I was fully resolved to execute all my purposes, be the consequence what it would; for, thought I, I have already sinned beyond cordial forgiveness, I doubt; and if fits and desperation ensue, I can but marry at last, and then I shall make her amends.
But I was justly punished; for her door was fast: and hearing her sigh and sob, as if her heart would burst, My beloved creature, said I, rapping gently, [the sobbings then ceasing,] I want but to say three words to you, which must be the most acceptable you ever heard from me.
Let me see you out for one moment.
I thought I heard her coming to open the door, and my heart leapt in that hope; but it was only to draw another bolt, to make it still the faster; and she either could not or would not answer me, but retired to the farther end of her apartment, to her closet, probably; and, more like a fool than before, again I sneaked away.
This was mine, my plot! and this was all I made of it!--I love her more than ever!--And well I may!--never saw I polished ivory so beautiful as her arms and shoulders; never touched I velvet so soft as her skin: her virgin bosom--O Belford, she is all perfection! then such an elegance!-- In her struggling losing her shoe, (but just slipt on, as I told thee,) her pretty foot equally white and delicate as the hand of any other woman, or even her own hand!