Unawares to myself, I had moved onward to my angel--"And dost thou, dost thou, still disclaiming, still advancing--dost thou, dost thou, still insidiously move towards me?"--[And her hand was extended] "I dare--I dare--not rashly neither--my heart from principle abhors the act, which thou makest necessary!--G.o.d, in thy mercy! [lifting up her eyes and hands] G.o.d, in thy mercy!"
I threw myself to the farther end of the room. An e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, a silent e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, employing her thoughts that moment; Polly says the whites of her lovely eyes were only visible: and, in the instant that she extended her hand, a.s.suredly to strike the fatal blow, [how the very recital terrifies me!] she cast her eye towards me, and saw me at the utmost distance the room would allow, and heard my broken voice--my voice was utterly broken; nor knew I what I said, or whether to the purpose or not --and her charming cheeks, that were all in a glow before, turned pale, as if terrified at her own purpose; and lifting up her eyes--"Thank G.o.d!
--thank G.o.d! said the angel--delivered for the present; for the present delivered--from myself--keep, Sir, that distance;" [looking down towards me, who was prostrate on the floor, my heart pierced, as with an hundred daggers;] "that distance has saved a life; to what reserved, the Almighty only knows!"--
To be happy, Madam; and to make happy!--And, O let me hope for your favour for to-morrow--I will put off my journey till then--and may G.o.d--
Swear not, Sir!--with an awful and piercing aspect--you have too often sworn!--G.o.d"s eye is upon us!--His more immediate eye; and looked wildly.
--But the women looked up to the ceiling, as if afraid of G.o.d"s eye, and trembled. And well they might, and I too, who so very lately had each of us the devil in our hearts.
If not to-morrow, Madam, say but next Thursday, your uncle"s birth-day; say but next Thursday!
"This I say, of this you may a.s.sure yourself, I never, never will be your"s.--And let me hope, that I may be ent.i.tled to the performance of your promise, to be permitted to leave this innocent house, as one called it, (but long have my ears been accustomed to such inversions of words), as soon as the day breaks."
Did my perdition depend upon it, that you cannot, Madam, but upon terms.
And I hope you will not terrify me--still dreading the accursed knife.
"Nothing less than an attempt upon my honour shall make me desperate. I have no view but to defend my honour: with such a view only I entered into treaty with your infamous agent below. The resolution you have seen, I trust, G.o.d will give me again, upon the same occasion. But for a less, I wish not for it.--Only take notice, women, that I am no wife of this man: basely as he has used me, I am not his wife. He has no authority over me. If he go away by-and-by, and you act by his authority to detain me, look to it."
Then, taking one of the lights, she turned from us; and away she went, unmolested.--Not a soul was able to molest her.
Mabell saw her, tremblingly, and in a hurry, take the key of her chamber-door out of her pocket, and unlock it; and, as soon as she entered, heard her double-lock, bar, and bolt it.
By her taking out her key, when she came out of her chamber to us, she no doubt suspected my design: which was, to have carried her in my arms thither, if she made such force necessary, after I had intimidated her; and to have been her companion for that night.
She was to have had several bedchamber-women to a.s.sist to undress her upon occasion: but from the moment she entered the dining-room with so much intrepidity, it was absolutely impossible to think of prosecuting my villanous designs against her.
This, this, Belford, was the hand I made of a contrivance from which I expected so much!--And now I am ten times worse off than before.
Thou never sawest people in thy life look so like fools upon one another, as the mother, her partners, and I, did, for a few minutes. And at last, the two devilish nymphs broke out into insulting ridicule upon me; while the old wretch was concerned for her house, the reputation of her house.
I cursed them all together; and, retiring to my chamber, locked myself in.
And now it is time to set out: all I have gained, detection, disgrace, fresh guilt by repeated perjuries, and to be despised by her I doat upon; and, what is still worse to a proud heart, by myself.
Success, success in projects, is every thing. What an admirable contriver did I think myself till now! Even for this scheme among the rest! But how pitifully foolish does it now appear to me!--Scratch out, erase, never to be read, every part of my preceding letters, where I have boastingly mentioned it. And never presume to rally me upon the cursed subject: for I cannot bear it.
But for the lady, by my soul, I love her. I admire her more than ever!
I must have her. I will have her still--with honour or without, as I have often vowed. My cursed fright at her accidental b.l.o.o.d.y nose, so lately, put her upon improving upon me thus. Had she threatened ME, I should have soon been master of one arm, and in both! But for so sincere a virtue to threaten herself, and not to offer to intimidate any other, and with so much presence of mind, as to distinguish, in the very pa.s.sionate intention, the necessity of the act, defence of her honour, and so fairly to disavow lesser occasions: showed such a deliberation, such a choice, such a principle; and then keeping me so watchfully at a distance that I could not seize her hand, so soon as she could have given the fatal blow; how impossible not to be subdued by so true and so discreet a magnanimity!
But she is not gone. She shall not go. I will press her with letters for the Thursday. She shall yet be mine, legally mine. For, as to cohabitation, there is no such thing to be thought of.
The Captain shall give her away, as proxy for her uncle. My Lord will die. My fortune will help my will, and set me above every thing and every body.
But here is the curse--she despises me, Jack!--What man, as I have heretofore said, can bear to be despised--especially by his wife!--O Lord!--O Lord! What a hand, what a cursed hand, have I made of this plot!--And here ends
The history of the lady and the penknife!--The devil take the penknife!
--It goes against me to say,
G.o.d bless the lady!
NEAR 5, SAT. MORN.
LETTER x.x.xVII
MR. LOVELACE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE [SUPERSCRIBED TO MRS. LOVELACE.]
M. HALL, SAT. NIGHT, JUNE 24.
MY DEAREST LIFE,
If you do not impute to live, and to terror raised by love, the poor figure I made before you last night, you will not do me justice. I thought I would try to the very last moment, if, by complying with you in every thing, I could prevail upon you to promise to be mine on Thursday next, since you refused me an earlier day. Could I have been so happy, you had not been hindered going to Hampstead, or wherever else you pleased. But when I could not prevail upon you to give me this a.s.surance, what room had I, (my demerit so great,) to suppose, that your going thither would not be to lose you for ever?
I will own to you, Madam, that yesterday afternoon I picked up the paper dropt by Dorcas; who has confessed that she would have a.s.sisted you in getting away, if she had had opportunity so to do; and undoubtedly dropped it by accident. And could I have prevailed upon you as to Thursday next, I would have made no use of it; secure as I should have been in your word given, to be mine. But when I found you inflexible, I was resolved to try, if, by resenting Dorcas"s treachery, I could not make your pardon of me the condition of mine to her: and if not, to make a handle of it to revoke my consent to your going away from Mrs.
Sinclair"s; since the consequence of that must have been so fatal to me.
So far, indeed, was my proceeding low and artful: and when I was challenged with it, as such, in so high and n.o.ble a manner, I could not avoid taking shame to myself upon it.
But you must permit me, Madam, to hope, that you will not punish me too heavily for so poor a contrivance, since no dishonour was meant you: and since, in the moment of its execution, you had as great an instance of my incapacity to defend a wrong, a low measure, and, at the same time, in your power over me, as mortal man could give--in a word, since you must have seen, that I was absolutely under the controul both of conscience and of love.
I will not offer to defend myself, for wishing you to remain where you are, till either you give me your word to meet me at the altar on Thursday; or till I have the honour of attending you, preparative to the solemnity which will make that day the happiest of my life.
I am but too sensible, that this kind of treatment may appear to you with the face of an arbitrary and illegal imposition: but as the consequences, not only to ourselves, but to both our families, may be fatal, if you cannot be moved in my favour; let me beseech you to forgive this act of compulsion, on the score of the necessity you your dear self have laid me under to be guilty of it; and to permit the solemnity of next Thursday to include an act of oblivion for all past offences.
The orders I have given to the people of the house are: "That you shall be obeyed in every particular that is consistent with my expectations of finding you there on my return on Wednesday next: that Mrs. Sinclair and her nieces, having incurred your just displeasure, shall not, without your orders, come into your presence: that neither shall Dorcas, till she has fully cleared her conduct to your satisfaction, be permitted to attend you: but Mabell, in her place; of whom you seemed some time ago to express some liking. Will. I have left behind me to attend your commands. If he be either negligent or impertinent, your dismission shall be a dismission of him from my service for ever. But, as to letters which may be sent you, or any which you may have to send, I must humbly entreat, that none such pa.s.s from or to you, for the few days that I shall be absent." But I do a.s.sure you, madam, that the seals of both sorts shall be sacred: and the letters, if such be sent, shall be given into your own hands the moment the ceremony is performed, or before, if you require it.
Mean time I will inquire, and send you word, how Miss Howe does; and to what, if I can be informed, her long silence is owing.
Dr. Perkins I found here, attending my Lord, when I arrived with Dr. S.
He acquaints me that your father, mother, uncles, and the still less worthy persons of your family, are well; and intend to be all at your uncle Harlowe"s next week; I presume, with intent to keep his anniversary. This can make no alteration, but a happy one, as to persons, on Thursday; because Mr. Tomlinson a.s.sured me, that if any thing fell out to hinder your uncle"s coming up in person, (which, however, he did not then expect,) he would be satisfied if his friend the Captain were proxy for him. I shall send a man and horse to-morrow to the Captain, to be at greater certainty.
I send this by a special messenger, who will wait your pleasure in relation to the impatiently-wished-for Thursday: which I humbly hope will be signified by a line.
My Lord, though hardly sensible, and unmindful of every thing but of your felicity, desires his most affectionate compliments to you. He has in readiness to present to you a very valuable set of jewels, which he hopes will be acceptable, whether he lives to see you adorn them or not.
Lady Sarah and Lady Betty have also their tokens of respect ready to court your acceptance: but may Heaven incline you to give the opportunity of receiving their personal compliments, and those of my cousins Montague, before the next week be out!
His Lordship is exceeding ill. Dr. S. has no hopes of him. The only consolation I can have for the death of a relation who loves me so well, if he do die, must arise from the additional power it will put into my hands of showing how much I am,
My dearest life, Your ever-affectionate, faithful, LOVELACE.
LETTER x.x.xVIII