His sincere admirer, and humble servant, R. LOVELACE.
LETTER LXI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
LINTZ, | NOV. 28.
| DEC. 9.
I am now on my way to Trent, in order to meet Colonel Morden, in pursuance of his answer to my letter enclosed in my last. I had been at Presburgh, and had intended to visit some other cities of Hungary: but having obliged myself to return first to Vienna, I there met with his letter, which follows:
MUNICH, | NOV. 21.
| DEC. 2.
SIR,
Your letter was at Florence four days before I arrived there.
That I might not appear unworthy of your favour, I set out for this city the very next morning. I knew not but that the politeness of this court might have engaged, beyond his intention, a gentleman who has only his pleasure to pursue.
But being disappointed in my hope of finding you here, it becomes me to acquaint you, that I have such a desire to stand well in the opinion of a man of your spirit, that I cannot hesitate a moment upon the option, which I am sure Mr. Lovelace in my situation (thus called upon) would make.
I own, Sir, that I have on all occasions, spoken of your treatment of my ever-dear cousin as it deserved. It would have been very surprising if I had not And it behoves me (now you have given me so n.o.ble an opportunity of explaining myself) to convince you, that no words fell from my lips, of you, merely because you were absent. I acquaint you, therefore, that I will attend your appointment; and would, were it to the farthest part of the globe.
I shall stay some days at this court; and if you please to direct for me at M. Klienfurt"s in this city, whether I remain here or not, your commands will come safely and speedily to the hands of, Sir,
Your most humble servant, WM. MORDEN.
So you see, Belford, that the Colonel by his ready, his even eagerly-expressed acceptance of the offered interview, was determined.
And is it not much better to bring such a point as this to an issue, than to give pain to friends for my safety, or continue in suspense myself; as I must do, if I imagined that another had aught against me?
This was my reply:
VIENNA, | NOV. 25.
| DEC. 6.
SIR,
I have this moment the favour of your"s. I will suspend a tour I was going to take into Hungary, and instantly set out for Munich; and, if I can find you not there, will proceed on to Trent. This city, being on the confines of Italy, will be most convenient, as I presume, to you, in your return to Tuscany; and I shall hope to meet you in it on the 3/14th of December.
I shall bring with me only a French valet and an English footman. Other particulars may be adjusted when I have the honour to see you. Till when, I am, Sir,
Your most obedient servant, R. LOVELACE.
Now, Jack, I have no manner of apprehension of the event of this meeting.
And I think I must say he seeks me out; not I him. And so let him take the consequence.
What is infinitely nearer to my heart, is, my ingrat.i.tude to the most excellent of women--My premeditated ingrat.i.tude!--Yet all the while enabled to distinguish and to adore her excellencies, in spite of the mean opinion of the s.e.x which I had imbibed from early manhood.
But this lady has a.s.serted the worthiness of her s.e.x, and most gloriously has she exalted it with me now. Yet, surely, as I have said and written an hundred times, there cannot be such another woman.
But as my loss in her departure is the greatest of any man"s, and as she was dearer to me than to any other person in the world, and once she herself wished to be so, what an insolence in any man breathing to pretend to avenge her on me!--Happy! happy! thrice happy! had I known how to value, as I ought to have valued, the glory of such a preference!
I will not aggravate to myself this aggravation of the Colonel"s pretending to call me to account for my treatment of a lady so much my own, lest, in the approaching interview, my heart should relent for one so nearly related to her, and who means honour and justice to her memory; and I should thereby give him advantages which otherwise he cannot have.
For I know that I shall be inclined to trust to my skill, to save a man who was so much and so justly valued by her; and shall be loath to give way to my resentment, as a threatened man. And in this respect only I am sorry for his skill, and his courage, lest I should be obliged, in my own defence, to add a chalk to a score that is already too long.
Indeed, indeed, Belford, I am, and shall be, to my latest hour, the most miserable of beings. Such exalted generosity!--Why didst thou put into my craving hands the copy of her will? Why sentest thou to me the posthumous letter?--What thou I was earnest to see the will? thou knewest what they both were [I did not]; and that it would be cruel to oblige me.
The meeting of twenty Colonel Mordens, were there twenty to meet in turn, would be nothing to me, would not give me a moment"s concern, as to my own safety: but my reflections upon my vile ingrat.i.tude to so superior an excellence will ever be my curse.
Had she been a Miss Howe to me, and treated me as if I were a Hickman, I had had a call for revenge; and policy (when I had intended to be an husband) might have justified my attempts to humble her. But a meek and gentle temper was her"s, though a true heroine, whenever honour or virtue called for an exertion of spirit.
Nothing but my cursed devices stood in the way of my happiness.
Remembrest thou not how repeatedly, from the first, I poured cold water upon her rising flame, by meanly and ungratefully turning upon her the injunctions, which virgin delicacy, and filial duty, induced her to lay me under before I got her into my power?*
* See Vol. III. Letter XV. See also Letters XVII. XLV. XLVI. of that volume, and many other places.
Did she not tell me, and did I not know it, if she had not told me, that she could not be guilty of affectation or tyranny to the man whom she intended to marry?* I knew, as she once upbraided me, that from the time I had got her from her father"s house, I had a plain path before me.**
True did she say, and I triumphed in the discovery, that from that time I held her soul in suspense an hundred times.*** My ipecacuanha trial alone was enough to convince an infidel that she had a mind in which love and tenderness would have presided, had I permitted the charming buds to put forth and blow.****
* See Vol. V. Letter x.x.xIV.--It may be observed further, that all Clarissa"s occasional lectures to Miss Howe, on that young lady"s treatment of Mr. Hickman, prove that she was herself above affectation and tyranny.--See, more particularly, the advice she gives to that friend of her heart, Letter x.x.xII. of Vol. VIII.--"O my dear," says she, in that Letter, "that it had been my lot (as I was not permitted to live single) to have met with a man by whom I could have acted generously and unreservedly!" &c. &c.
** See Vol. V. Letters XXVI. and x.x.xIV.
*** Ibid. Letter x.x.xIV.
**** See Vol. V. Letters II. III.
She would have had no reserve, as once she told me, had I given her cause of doubt.* And did she not own to thee, that once she could have loved me; and, could she have made me good, would have made me happy?** O, Belford! here was love; a love of the n.o.blest kind! A love, as she hints in her posthumous letter,*** that extended to the soul; and which she not only avowed in her dying hours, but contrived to let me know it after death, in that letter filled with warnings and exhortations, which had for their sole end my eternal welfare!