I wait, Sir, for your answer to this proposal, made with the whole heart of
Your dutiful and most obliged niece, CL. HARLOWE.
MONDAY NOON.
I hope this will be accepted: for Betty tells me, that my uncle Antony and my aunt Hervey are sent for; and not Mr. Solmes; which I look upon as a favourable circ.u.mstance. With what cheerfulness will I a.s.sign over this envied estate!--What a much more valuable consideration shall I part with it for!--The love and favour of all my relations! That love and favour, which I used for eighteen years together to rejoice in, and be distinguished by!--And what a charming pretence will this afford me of breaking with Mr. Lovelace! And how easily will it possibly make him to part with me!
I found this morning, in the usual place, a letter from him, in answer, I suppose, to mine of Friday, which I deposited not till Sat.u.r.day. But I have not opened it; nor will I, till I see what effect this new offer will have.
Let me but be permitted to avoid the man I hate; and I will give up with cheerfulness the man I could prefer. To renounce the one, were I really to value him as much as you seem to imagine, can give but a temporary concern, which time and discretion will alleviate. This is a sacrifice which a child owes to parents and friends, if they insist upon its being made. But the other, to marry a man one cannot endure, is not only a dishonest thing, as to the man; but it is enough to make a creature who wishes to be a good wife, a bad or indifferent one, as I once wrote to the man himself: and then she can hardly be either a good mistress, or a good friend; or any thing but a discredit to her family, and a bad example to all around her.
Methinks I am loth, in the suspense I am in at present, to deposit this, because it will be leaving you in one as great: but having been prevented by Betty"s officiousness twice, I will now go down to my little poultry; and, if I have an opportunity, will leave it in the usual place, where I hope to find something from you.
LETTER XVII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE MONDAY AFTERNOON, MARCH 27.
I have deposited my narrative down to this day noon; but I hope soon to follow it with another letter, that I may keep you as little a while as possible in that suspense which I am so much affected by at this moment: for my heart is disturbed at ever foot I hear stir; and at every door below that I hear open or shut.
They have been all a.s.sembled some time, and are in close debate I believe: But can there be room for long debate upon a proposal, which, if accepted, will so effectually answer all their views?--Can they insist a moment longer upon my having Mr. Solmes, when they see what sacrifices I am ready to make, to be freed from his addresses?--Oh! but I suppose the struggle is, first, with Bella"s nicety, to persuade her to accept of the estate, and of the husband; and next, with her pride, to take her sister"s refusals, as she once phrased it!--Or, it may be, my brother is insisting upon equivalents for his reversion in the estate: and these sort of things take up but too much the attention of some of our family. To these, no doubt, one or both, it must be owing, that my proposal admits of so much consideration.
I want, methinks, to see what Mr. Lovelace, in his letter, says. But I will deny myself this piece of curiosity till that which is raised by my present suspense is answered.--Excuse me, my dear, that I thus trouble you with my uncertainties: but I have no employment, nor heart, if I had, to pursue any other but what my pen affords me.
MONDAY EVENING.
Would you believe it?--Betty, by antic.i.p.ation, tells me, that I am to be refused. I am "a vile, artful creature. Every body is too good to me.
My uncle Harlowe has been taken in, that"s the phrase. They know how it would be, if he either wrote to me, or saw me. He has, however, been made ashamed to be so wrought upon. A pretty thing truly in the eye of the world it would be, were they to take me at my word! It would look as if they had treated me thus hardly, as I think it, for this very purpose. My peculiars, particularly Miss Howe, would give it that turn; and I myself could mean nothing by it, but to see if it would be accepted in order to strengthen my own arguments against Mr. Solmes. It was amazing, that it could admit of a moment"s deliberation: that any thing could be supposed to be done in it. It was equally against law and equity: and a fine security Miss Bella would have, or Mr. Solmes, when I could resume it when I would!--My brother and she my heirs! O the artful creature!--I to resolve to live single, when Lovelace is so sure of me--and every where declares as much!--and can whenever he pleases, if my husband, claim under the will!--Then the insolence--the confidence--[as Betty mincingly told me, that one said; you may easily guess who] that she, who was so justly in disgrace for downright rebellion, should pretend to prescribe to the whole family!--Should name a husband for her elder sister!--What a triumph would her obstinacy go away with, to delegate her commands, not as from a prison, as she called it, but as from her throne, to her elders and betters; and to her father and mother too!--Amazing, perfectly amazing, that any body could argue upon such a proposal as this! It was a master-stroke of finesse--It was ME in perfection!--Surely my uncle Harlowe will never again be so taken in!"
All this was the readier told me, because it was against me, and would tease and vex me. But as some of this fine recapitulation implied, that somebody spoke up for me. I was curious to know who it was. But Betty would not tell me, for fear I should have the consolation to find that all were not against me.
But do you not see, my dear, what a sad creature she is whom you honour with your friendship?--You could not doubt your influence over me: Why did you not take the friendly liberty I have always taken with you, and tell me my faults, and what a specious hypocrite I am? For, if my brother and sister could make such discoveries, how is it possible, that faults to enormous [you could see others, you thought, of a more secret nature!] could escape you penetrating eye?
Well, but now, it seems, they are debating how and by whom to answer me: for they know not, nor are they to know, that Mrs. Betty has told me all these fine things. One desires to be excused, it seems: another chooses not to have any thing to say to me: another has enough of me: and of writing to so ready a scribbler, there will be no end.
Thus are those imputed qualifications, which used so lately to gain me applause, now become my crimes: so much do disgust and anger alter the property of things.
The result of their debate, I suppose, will somehow or other be communicated to me by-and-by. But let me tell you, my dear, that I am made so desperate, that I am afraid to open Mr. Lovelace"s letter, lest, in the humour I am in, I should do something (if I find it not exceptionable) that may give me repentance as long as I live.
MONDAY NIGHT.
This moment the following letter is brought me by Betty.
MONDAY, 5 O"CLOCK
MISS CUNNING-ONE,
Your fine new proposal is thought unworthy of a particular answer. Your uncle Harlowe is ashamed to be so taken in. Have you no new fetch for your uncle Antony? Go round with us, child, now your hand"s in. But I was bid to write only one line, that you might not complain, as you did of your worthy sister, for the freedoms you provoked: It is this--Prepare yourself. To-morrow you go to my uncle Antony"s. That"s all, child.
JAMES HARLOWE.
I was vexed to the heart at this: and immediately, in the warmth of resentment, wrote the enclosed to my uncle Harlowe; who it seems stays here this night.
TO JOHN HARLOWE, ESQ. MONDAY NIGHT.
HONOURED SIR,
I find I am a very sad creature, and did not know it. I wrote not to my brother. To you, Sir, I wrote. From you I hope the honour of an answer.
No one reveres her uncle more than I do. Nevertheless, between uncle and niece, excludes not such a hope: and I think I have not made a proposal that deserves to be treated with scorn.
Forgive me, Sir--my heart is full. Perhaps one day you may think you have been prevailed upon (for that is plainly the case!) to join to treat me--as I do not deserve to be treated. If you are ashamed, as my brother hints, of having expressed any returning tenderness to me, G.o.d help me! I see I have no mercy to expect from any body! But, Sir, from your pen let me have an answer; I humbly implore it of you. Till my brother can recollect what belongs to a sister, I will not take from him no answer to the letter I wrote to you, nor any commands whatever.
I move every body!--This, Sir, is what you are pleased to mention. But whom have I moved?--One person in the family has more moving ways than I have, or he could never so undeservedly have made every body ashamed to show tenderness to a poor distressed child of the same family.
Return me not this with contempt, or torn, or unanswered, I beseech you.
My father has a t.i.tle to do that or any thing by his child: but from no other person in the world of your s.e.x, Sir, ought a young creature of mine (while she preserves a supplicating spirit) to be so treated.
When what I have before written in the humblest strain has met with such strange constructions, I am afraid that this unguarded scrawl will be very ill received. But I beg, Sir, you will oblige me with one line, be it ever so harsh, in answer to my proposal. I still think it ought to be attended to. I will enter into the most solemn engagements to make it valid by a perpetual single life. In a word, any thing I can do, I will do, to be restored to all your favours. More I cannot say, but that I am, very undeservedly,
A most unhappy creature.
Betty scrupled again to carry this letter; and said, she should have anger; and I should have it returned in sc.r.a.ps and bits.
I must take that chance, said I: I only desire that you will deliver it as directed.
Sad doings! very sad! she said, that young ladies should so violently set themselves against their duty.
I told her, she should have the liberty to say what she pleased, so she would but be my messenger that one time: and down she went with it.
I bid her, if she could, slide it into my uncle"s hand, unseen; at least unseen by my brother or sister, for fear it should meet, through their good office, with the fate she had bespoken for it.
She would not undertake for that, she said.
I am now in expectation of the result. But having so little ground to hope for their favour or mercy, I opened Mr. Lovelace"s letter.
I would send it to you, my dear (as well as those I shall enclose) by this conveyance; but not being able at present to determine in what manner I shall answer it, I will give myself the trouble of abstracting it here, while I am waiting for what may offer from the letter just carried down.
"He laments, as usual, my ill opinion of him, and readiness to believe every thing to his disadvantage. He puts into plain English, as I supposed he would, my hint, that I might be happier, if, by any rashness he might be guilty of to Solmes, he should come to an untimely end himself."