Meanwhile his plans were coming to him.
He had often, in his bitter moments, envied the bricklayer and the cobbler. Why should _he_ not begin to learn a trade even now?
He was conscious of intelligence, of patience, of the desire to labour. Why should not Kettering give him a chance in his workshop?
The old man had shown him real kindness and was evidently well-disposed towards him. He felt sure he could enlist his sympathy, for, despite the apparent limitation of his interests, Simon Kettering had impressed him as having, in a general way, a keen understanding of things. The vulgarity of life in that household was but a small consideration to him now. His vow never to return to it had been made when he had taken the old vision of things. His new and saner vision made him see that vow was a mistake. Was he not strong enough to defy the corrosiveness of a mean, vulgar atmosphere? Nay, his life, by its own inner force, would flow impervious to such influence.
To labour, and by the work of his own hands to pay those whom Cleo had wronged!
Not till he had done this would he feel true to himself; not till then would he deem himself worthy of the love of those who were dear to him.
It were easy to fall back on his father"s generosity, to live an empty life of indolence; but that would not give him that respect of self which alone could keep him attuned to the harmonies of being, and thus bring him the longed-for peace of spirit. For his sense of life was the sum of his inner moods, and no mere superficial remedy could inform them with that pure flowingness that const.i.tutes happiness.
To go though the discipline he had set himself, to labour hard and achieve a fixed, worthy end by his own unaided efforts, no matter what stretch of his life it consumed, were to vindicate himself, were to vindicate his Will-To-Live!
He had arrived at a culminating point in existence. The understanding of what his life had lacked had come to him at last, and with it a recognition of that by which it was to be guided in future. Life, to be true, must involve all the functions of the soul--thought, emotion and will; must be lived with a healthy fulness. He had not so lived it. His error had lain in detachment, which had well-nigh brought him to the verge of destruction. And now it was with him a time of reconstruction.
He desired to face that full actuality of things from which he had always shrunk as from a terrifying chaos, wilfully shutting out from his vision all but its superficial forms and tones. He wished to open his spirit to the feeling and throb of the living world.
Discipline, self-discipline! On that basis alone could the human soul develop and attain to Individuality and Freedom.
He seemed to recognise some Force working in him like a Redeemer; he fancied he saw some strange Necessity in his life, working through all its dark moments, its action eventually forcing upon him a true estimation of existence, of his relation to things.
His being should a.s.similate from the living world all that should serve to build it up; even as a plant wonderfully drew from the earth just that which its fibre needed. But for that end he must move through the living world--not shun it. More and more of its essence would he take into himself, more and more would he defy the mean, the ugly, the evil; till at last he should be strong enough to walk unscathed even through the fire.
That thought which had come to him a short time before about the meaninglessness of life, and of the perpetual mating that carried it on, now recurred to him again; but this time he had an accompanying sense of its utter falsity. He had been wrong in his thought, he told himself, because to view life in that large way from an apparently outside point of view was in reality to lose all sight of the meaning under quest. It was the point of view which was unsuitable, not the meaning which was absent! The error was the same fatal one of detachment. If man projected a critical mind, a mere isolated bit of himself, to which adhered nothing of his essential nature, into a boundless s.p.a.ce and bade it look from thence on the march of humanity and deliver judgment thereon, surely that judgment could not be a true one.
The true judgment of life was only to be made by the help of the full humanness of the observer. Life had to be felt within; not viewed from without from an imagined cosmic standpoint.
Not then in the long parade of history must the meaning of life be sought, nor in its ma.s.sed manifestations, the sum total resulting from its activities; not amid the buried relics in geologic strata, not in the large sweep of scientific law. But each human being might find it for himself in his own limited span; for the individual life, lived true with the fulness of the human spirit, was its own end, its own meaning. And whosoever lived true to himself felt and knew the meaning of life. Living and mating might be foreshortened to mere dry facts in the great stretch of a cosmic outlook; by the emotion of the individual they were touched to divinity.
Let him, then, since he wished to live true, not seek to escape from himself, but to accept his own human outlook and be true to the fulness of his being. Let him recognise the eternal principles of humanness underlying man"s varying attempts to express them in binding rules of conduct, and let him take his place in man"s world--a world, both of facts and relations, selected by man"s innate nature from the swirling, chaotic continuity of which man was a part--facing the fulness of life with the fulness of character.
He had climbed the long, ascending road. Above him sat the dark castle on the top of a grey slope; and, looking downwards on his left, he saw the town sleeping in its valley, its many points of light gleaming through a palpitating mist. He could just discern the other hill beyond as a tone that was lost in the dark sky, a faint luminous spot showing here and there on the top.
He stayed a moment to admire the nocturne and was glad that he had lived to see all this beauty. Yes, everything called to him for life, not for death. He continued his wandering, heedless whither; and, when at last he became conscious of fatigue, he had covered many miles and had strayed through many by-paths. The first frenzy of restlessness had worn itself out, and he sat for awhile on a barred gate, previous to turning back to the town.
His only guide now was the general sense that he must keep the sea on his left. He was but a few hundred feet from it. Once or twice he divined the water, almost indistinguishable from cloud, when a great indentation in the cliff made its edge sweep in towards him; and once a ship"s light flashed out of it for half a second. He swung along steadily, and after a time found himself traversing a great, dusky stretch of land. He had the feeling of crawling over it like an insect, so vast was his sense of this flat earth; he seemed just a bit of it moving on it and thinking about it, as if it had attained through him to consciousness of itself!
He fell into a slow saunter, philosophic fancies coming to interweave themselves with his thoughts; and, when he awoke again from a long reverie, the road had grown narrow, rough and stony. He stumbled along till at length he again made out the castle in the distance, perched on its sombre eminence, just a flat silhouette against a lighter greyish sky.
The road dipped between two slopes that cut off the view, and, when he had pa.s.sed them, the battlemented silhouette seemed to show deeper and the sky lighter. The morn was approaching.
Imperceptibly the darkness thinned. A quiet feeling of holiness was in the air. The stretch of common on either hand began to take on a shade of brown, though the rare clumps of scattered bushes still showed dark and solid. A fresh morning breeze came to him, scent-laden.
In some parts the clouds were lightening, melting, and as he came again into full view of the sea, he saw its whole surface glistening and of an indefinite colour. Sometimes it struck him as a sort of steely grey, sometimes it flashed upon him as a vague, elusive green.
It was almost light now, and he could see the landscape distinct and wonderfully sharp-cut. A minute later he was almost sure that the sea was green, and, to his surprise, he became aware of luminous blue bars among the clouds. There was a lovely piece of green, too, with orange streaks in it. Then there came a full flood of mystic pink, and the water was one laughing sparkle. He drew deep breaths of the air and gloried in the dawn.
The pure, sweet dawn, to him symbolic of Resurrection and Life!
Though tired now, he still lingered, strolling at ease down to the town again and lounging on the beach and in the harbour. When, in the end, he arrived at the coffee-house where he had taken his lodging he found it already open, and porters and sailors were taking their early-morning coffee.
He threw himself across his bed and slept soundly till mid-day.
END OF BOOK IV.
BOOK V.
CHAPTER I.
Morgan waited till half-past one before calling again at the Ketterings, for by then, as he knew, the printer had about finished his lunch, and usually had some few minutes to spare.
He did not ring at the side entrance, but walked through the shop, where only a boy was in charge at this hour, and into the workshop at the back. Here, to his satisfaction, he found Mr. Kettering himself busy measuring up galleys with a long piece of string. The old man was startled to see him, but said he was glad he had come, as he had been anxious about him and had wanted to talk to him. Morgan noticed that he seemed a little excited. His face, too, seemed a trifle more worn and lined than usual behind his spectacles, and his beard had a scraggy appearance.
"I"m afraid, sir, my daughters were very rude to you yesterday morning," he continued, "and I want you to accept my sincere apology for their conduct. They are hard-working girls enough, but they haven"t much sense, and I"m afraid not much consideration for other folks" feelings. I only hope you"ll overlook it this time. However, there"s something else I must tell you at once. Selina has gone away."
"Gone away!" echoed Morgan.
"Yes," said Mr. Kettering, sadly. "Altogether we"ve had a nice upset.
Mother"s ill in bed to-day. It was this way: Of course I spoke a bit sharply to those scatter-brained girls, and they answered me back in a way it makes my blood boil to think about. Women-folk are all a bit crazy. That"s the opinion I"ve been forced to, sir, and if I had my days over again, I"d never so much as look at one of them. Then Selina--she joined in and said it stifled her to live here. It was worse than living in a mud-hovel. Then the mother said she"d better go and live in a mud-hovel. And after that they all four fell a-screaming and I couldn"t do anything to stop them. As soon as I could get a word in edgeways I begged them to be quiet, but Selina was excited and disowned us all. She said she never believed she was our child; she could never possibly have come from such filth as us, and then she lost her head and cursed us--I never heard the like in my life. My heart bled for you, sir, for I said to myself: this can"t be the first exhibition she has made of herself since her marriage, especially as things went wrong. However, business had to be attended to, which put an end to the scene. But when I went up to dinner, Selina told me she had packed up and was going away that afternoon, and that we needn"t expect ever to see her again. Of course I tried to talk her over, and asked her not to be foolish, but to stop till she had her arrangements properly made. Then she told me sharply not to mind about _her_ arrangements, and that she had no need of my charity. She pulled out and showed me fifty pounds in bank-notes. They came the day before, she said, and she had any number of thousands waiting for her. "But what about your husband?" I asked. "My husband?" she snorted. "I"ll make you a present of him if you like. There"s another woman in love with him, who"s ready to give him as much money as he cares to take from her. And he has any number of mistresses besides. So you don"t expect I"m going to trouble my head about him. Besides, he hasn"t said six words to me since we"ve been here. If he had cared about me he"d have shown it." And, sure enough, she went off by the afternoon train.
"Tell him he"s rid of me now, as soon as he gets over his fit of the sulks and comes back," was the last she said. Yes, women-folk are all crazy. You"ll excuse me repeating the remark, I know, sir; but you remember what I told you when you came on Sunday. I don"t mean any disrespect by it, but I can"t help thinking you were a fool to marry her."
And Kettering took up his cord again as if to continue his measuring.
Morgan"s brain was for an instant full of a whirling ma.s.s of thought.
He could not hide from himself that he had not the slightest sense of sorrow or regret. He knew perfectly well that Cleo esteemed him no more than a dead twig, that, by his abstention from offering up to her daily an incense and a sweet savour of gross flattery, he had destroyed all possibility of her continuing to imagine he counted for something in her life. And, of course, she was not the kind of woman to stay in so sordid and narrow a household with a penniless man, who was nothing to her beyond her husband--she with her gorgeous demands upon life! No doubt her departure had been already arranged with the person who had sent her the money she had shown her father and she had been glad to seize upon any pretext. However, he thought it right to a.s.sure Mr. Kettering that Cleo"s accusations against him were entirely false and that, as regards his conduct towards her, no reproach could be made to him.
"You"ve no need to tell me that," said Mr. Kettering, "I never for a moment doubted you. You know, sir," he added, "you"re quite welcome to make my home yours so long as it suits your convenience."
Morgan replied that, as Kettering was probably aware, he had no money, but that he was anxious to earn some, however little. Could he not do so by learning to set up type?
Kettering looked hard at him, and Morgan bore the gaze without flinching.
"I can see you mean it," he said, "so we won"t waste time discussing whether you"re serious. Now, Mr. Druce, I don"t know who you are, and I"m not going to ask you any questions. I flatter myself I"ve got some little skill in reading faces, and I knew from the first that you were a gentleman, and one with his heart in the right place. Now don"t think I"m taking liberties, sir, but I should like you to think the matter over again and see whether you would not do better to communicate with your family and friends. I don"t want to know how you came to have the misfortune to marry my girl, but I feel that as a fellow-man I ought to ask you to reconsider your position. Maybe your folk are fretting and anxious about you. I"m only a plain man, but I think I can lay some claim to common sense, and believe me I only venture to speak to you like this because I respect you."
"I do intend communicating with my people," said Morgan, touched by the old man"s sincerity and thoughtfulness, "but I want to earn my bread all the same. That is essential."
"I understand," said Kettering. "You want to feel yourself stand on your own legs. Yes, that"s a fine thing to feel. Well, as I said, I like your face and I trust you. I hope you"re not vexed at what I ventured to say."
"On the contrary," said Morgan, "I am sincerely grateful to you for having said it."
Kettering"s face beamed, and its benevolent quality grew more marked.
"A boy apprentice is supposed to take seven years learning the trade, sir, but we needn"t get discouraged about that. A man anxious to learn, with his wits about him--"