"Yes please. I"d like my hair cut. All of it."
He nodded, gesturing to the chair. "Please."
Janie had thought she might have to convince him that she was serious. She had beautiful hair, well below her shoulders-the kind of hair people would kill for, she"d been hearing that her whole life. But the barber just hummed and chopped it off, the snick snick of his shears interspersed with kindly questions about whether she was enjoying her visit and his account of a vacation to Disney World ten years earlier.
"Dear, do we want it shaved or buzz-cut?"
In the mirror a huge-eyed creature gazed at Janie, like a tarsier or one of the owlish caligo moths. She stared at it, entranced, and then nodded. "Shaved. Please."
When he was finished she got out of the chair, dazed, and ran her hand across her scalp. It was smooth and cool as an apple. There were a few tiny nicks that stung beneath her fingers.
She paid the barber, tipping him two pounds. He smiled and held the door open for her.
"Now when you want a touch-up, you come see us, dear. Only five pounds for a touch-up."
She went next to find new shoes. There were more shoe shops in Camden Town than she had ever seen anywhere in her life; she checked out four of them on one block before deciding on a discounted pair of twenty-hole black Doc Martens. They were no longer fashionable, but they had blunted steel caps on the toes. She bought them, giving the salesgirl her old sneakers to toss into the waste bin. When she went back onto the street it was like walking in wet cement-the shoes were so heavy, the leather so stiff that she ducked back into the shoe shop and bought a pair of heavy wool socks and put them on. She returned outside, hesitating on the front step before crossing the street and heading back in the direction of Chalk Farm Road.
There was a shop here that Fred had shown her before he left.
"Now, that"s where you get your fetish gear, Janie," he said, pointing to a shop window painted matte black. THE PLACE, it said in red letters, with two linked circles beneath. Fred had grinned and rapped his knuckles against the gla.s.s as they walked by. "I"ve never been in; you"ll have to tell me what it"s like." They"d both laughed at the thought.
Now Janie walked slowly, the wind chill against her bare skull. When she could make out the shop, sun glinting off the crimson letters and a sad-eyed dog tied to a post out front, she began to hurry, her new boots making a hollow thump as she pushed through the door.
There was a security gate inside, a thin, sallow young man with dreadlocks nodding at her silently as she approached.
"You"ll have to check that." He pointed at the bag with her new clothes in it. She handed it to him, reading the warning posted behind the counter.
SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE BEATEN,.
FLAYED, SPANKED, BIRCHED, BLED,.
AND THEN PROSECUTED TO.
THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAWThe shop was well lit. It smelled strongly of new leather and coconut oil and pine-scented disinfectant. She seemed to be the only customer this early in the day, although she counted seven employees manning cash registers, unpacking cartons, watching to make sure she didn"t try to nick anything. A CD of dance music played, and the phone rang constantly.
She spent a good half hour just walking through the place, impressed by the range of merchandise. Electrified wands to deliver shocks, things like meat cleavers made of stainless steel with rubber tips. Velcro dog collars, Velcro hoods, black rubber b.a.l.l.s and b.a.l.l.s in neon shades; a mat embedded with three-inch spikes that could be conveniently rolled up and came with its own lightweight carrying case. As she wandered about more customers arrived, some of them greeting the clerks by name, others furtive, making a quick circuit of the shelves before darting outside again. At last Janie knew what she wanted. A set of wristcuffs and one of anklecuffs, both of very heavy black leather with stainless steel hardware; four adjustable nylon leashes, also black, with clips on either end that could be fastened to cuffs or looped around a post; a few spare S-clips.
"That it?"
Janie nodded, and the register clerk began scanning her purchases. She felt almost guilty, buying so few things, not taking advantage of the vast Meccano glory of all those shelves full of gleaming, somber contrivances.
"There you go." He handed her the receipt, then inclined his head at her. "Nice touch, that-"
He pointed at her eyebrows. Janie drew her hand up, felt the long pliant hairs uncoiling like baby ferns. "Thanks," she murmured. She retrieved her bag and went home to wait for evening.
It was nearly midnight when she left the flat. She had slept for most of the afternoon, a deep but restless sleep, with anxious dreams of flight, falling, her hands encased in metal gloves, a shadowy figure crouching above her. She woke in the dark, heart pounding, terrified for a moment that she had slept all the way through till Sunday night.
But, of course, she had not. She showered, then dressed in a tight, low-cut black shirt and pulled on her new nylon pants and heavy boots. She seldom wore makeup, but tonight after putting in her contacts she carefully outlined her eyes with black and then chose a very pale lavender lipstick. She surveyed herself in the mirror critically. With her white skin, huge violet eyes, and hairless skull, she resembled one of the Bali-nese puppets for sale in the market-beautiful but vacant, faintly ominous. She grabbed her keys and money, pulled on her windbreaker, and headed out.
When she reached the alley that led to the club, she entered it, walked about halfway, and stopped. After glancing back and forth to make sure no one was coming, she detached the legs from her nylon pants, stuffing them into a pocket, and then adjusted the Velcro tabs so that the pants became a very short orange-and-black skirt. Her long legs were sheathed in black tights. She bent to tighten the laces on her metal-toed boots and hurried to the club entrance.
Tonight there was a line of people waiting to get in. Janie took her place, fastidiously avoiding looking at any of the others. They waited for thirty minutes, Janie shivering in her thin nylon windbreaker, before the door opened and the same gaunt blond man appeared totake their money. Janie felt her heart beat faster when it was her turn, wondering if he would recognize her. But he only scanned the courtyard, and, when the last of them darted inside, closed the door with a booming clang.
Inside, all was as it had been, only far more crowded. Janie bought a drink, orange squash, no alcohol. It was horribly sweet, with a bitter, curdled aftertaste. Still, it had cost two pounds: she drank it all. She had just started on her way down to the dance floor when someone came up from behind to tap her shoulder, shouting into her ear.
"Wanna?"
It was a tall, broad-shouldered boy a few years older than she was, perhaps twenty-four, with a lean ruddy face, loose shoulder-length blond hair streaked green, and deep-set, very dark blue eyes. He swayed dreamily, gazing at the dance floor and hardly looking at her at all.
"Sure," Janie shouted back. He looped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her with him; his striped V-neck shirt smelled of talc and sweat. They danced for a long time, Janie moving with calculated abandon, the boy heaving and leaping as though a dog were biting at his shins.
"You"re beautiful," he shouted. There was an almost imperceptible instant of silence as the DJ changed tracks. "What"s your name?"
"Cleopatra Brimstone."
The shattering music grew deafening once more. The boy grinned. "Well, Cleopatra. Want something to drink?"
Janie nodded in time with the beat, so fast her head spun. He took her hand and she raced to keep up with him, threading their way toward the bar.
"Actually," she yelled, pausing so that he stopped short and b.u.mped up against her. "I think I"d rather go outside. Want to come?"
He stared at her, half-smiling, and shrugged. "Aw right. Let me get a drink first-"
They went outside. In the alley the wind sent eddies of dead leaves and newspaper flying up into their faces. Janie laughed and pressed herself against the boy"s side. He grinned down at her, finished his drink, and tossed the can aside; then he put his arm around her. "Do you want to go get a drink, then?" he asked.
They stumbled out onto the sidewalk, turned and began walking. People filled the High Street, lines snaking out from the entrances of pubs and restaurants. A blue glow surrounded the streetlights, and clouds of small white moths beat themselves against the globes; vapor and banners of gray smoke hung above the punks blocking the sidewalk by Camden Lock. Janie and the boy dipped down into the street. He pointed to a pub occupying the corner a few blocks down, a large old green-painted building with baskets of flowers hanging beneath its windows and a large sign swinging back and forth in the wind: THE END OF THE WORLD. "In there, then?"
Janie shook her head. "I live right here, by the ca.n.a.l. We could go to my place if you want.
We could have a few drinks there."
The boy glanced down at her. "Aw right," he said-very quickly, so she wouldn"t change her mind. "That"d be awright."
It was quieter on the back street leading to the flat. An old drunk huddled in a doorway, cadging change; Janie looked away from him and got out her keys, while the boy stood restlessly, giving the drunk a belligerent look."Here we are," she announced, pushing the door open. "Home again, home again."
"Nice place." The boy followed her, gazing around admiringly. "You live here alone?"
"Yup." After she spoke Janie had a flash of unease, admitting that. But the boy only ambled into the kitchen, running a hand along the antique French farmhouse cupboard and nodding.
"You"re American, right? Studying here?"
"Uh-huh. What would you like to drink? Brandy?"
He made a face, then laughed. "Aw right! You got expensive taste. Goes with the name, I"d guess." Janie looked puzzled, and he went on, "Cleopatra-fancy name for a girl."
"Fancier for a boy," Janie retorted, and he laughed again.
She got the brandy, stood in the living room unlacing her boots. "Why don"t we go in there?"
she said, gesturing toward the bedroom. "It"s kind of cold out here."
The boy ran a hand across his head, his blond hair streaming through his fingers.
"Yeah, aw right." He looked around. "Urn, that the toilet there?" Janie nodded. "Right back, then . . ."
She went into the bedroom, set the brandy and two gla.s.ses on a night table, and took off her windbreaker. On another table, several tall candles, creamy white and thick as her wrist, were set into ornate bra.s.s holders. She lit these-the room filled with the sweet scent of beeswax-and sat on the floor, leaning against the bed. A few minutes later the toilet flushed and the boy reappeared. His hands and face were damp, redder than they had been. He smiled and sank onto the floor beside her. Janie handed him a gla.s.s of brandy.
"Cheers," he said, and drank it all in one gulp.
"Cheers," said Janie. She took a sip from hers, then refilled his gla.s.s. He drank again, more slowly this time. The candles threw a soft yellow haze over the four-poster bed with its green velvet duvet, the mounds of pillows, forest-green, crimson, saffron yellow. They sat without speaking for several minutes. Then the boy set his gla.s.s on the floor. He turned to face Janie, extending one arm around her shoulder and drawing his face near hers.
"Well, then," he said.
His mouth tasted acrid, nicotine and cheap gin beneath the blunter taste of brandy. His hand sliding under her shirt was cold; Janie felt goose pimples rising across her breast, her nipple shrinking beneath his touch. He pressed against her, his c.o.c.k already hard, and reached down to unzip his jeans.
"Wait," Janie murmured. "Let"s get on the bed. . . ."
She slid from his grasp and onto the bed, crawling to the heaps of pillow and feeling beneath one until she found what she had placed there earlier. "Let"s have a little fun first."
"This is fun," the boy said, a bit plaintively. But he slung himself onto the bed beside her, pulling off his shoes and letting them fall to the floor with a thud. "What you got there?"
Smiling, Janie turned and held up the wristcuffs. The boy looked at them, then at her, grinning. "Oh, ho. Been in the back room, then-"
Janie arched her shoulders and unb.u.t.toned her shirt. He reached for one of the cuffs, but she shook her head. "No. Not me, yet."
"Ladies first."
"Gentleman"s pleasure."
The boy"s grin widened. "Won"t argue with that."
She took his hand and pulled him, gently, to the middle of the bed. "Lie on your back," shewhispered.
He did, watching as she removed first his shirt and then his jeans and underwear. His c.o.c.k lay nudged against his thigh, not quite hard; when she brushed her fingers against it he moaned softly, took her hand and tried to press it against him.
"No," she whispered. "Not yet. Give me your hand."
She placed the cuffs around each wrist, and his ankles; fastened the nylon leash to each one and then began tying the bonds around each bedpost. It took longer than she had expected; it was difficult to get the bonds taut enough that the boy could not move. He lay there watchfully, his eyes glimmering in the candlelight as he craned his head to stare at her, his breath shallow, quickening.
"There." She sat back upon her haunches, staring at him. His c.o.c.k was hard now, the hair on his chest and groin tawny in the half-light. He gazed back at her, his tongue pale as he licked his lips. "Try to get away," she whispered.
He moved slightly, his arms and legs a white X against a deep green field. "Can"t," he said hoa.r.s.ely.
She pulled her shirt off, then her nylon skirt. She had nothing on beneath. She leaned forward, letting her fingers trail from the cleft in his throat to his chest, cupping her palm atop his nipple and then sliding her hand down to his thigh. The flesh was warm, the little hairs soft and moist. Her own breath quickened; sudden heat flooded her, a honeyed liquid in her mouth.
Above her brow the long hairs stiffened and furled straight out to either side: when she lifted her head to the candlelight she could see them from the corner of her eyes, twin barbs black and glistening like wire.
"You"re so s.e.xy." The boy"s voice was hoa.r.s.e. "G.o.d, you"re-"
She placed her hand over his mouth. "Try to get away," she said, commandingly this time.
"Try to get away."
His torso writhed, the duvet bunching up around him in dark folds.
She raked her fingernails down his chest, and he cried out, moaning "f.u.c.k me, G.o.d, f.u.c.k me . . .".
"Try to get away."
She stroked his c.o.c.k, her fingers barely grazing its swollen head. With a moan he came, struggling helplessly to thrust his groin toward her. At the same moment Janie gasped, a fiery rush arrowing down from her brow to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, her c.u.n.t. She rocked forward, crying out, her head brushing against the boy"s side as she sprawled back across the bed. For a minute she lay there, the room around her seeming to pulse and swirl into myriad crystalline shapes, each bearing within it the same line of candles, the long curve of the boy"s thigh swelling up into the hollow of his hip. She drew breath shakily, the flush of heat fading from her brow; then pushed herself up until she was sitting beside him. His eyes were shut. A thread of saliva traced the furrow between mouth and chin. Without thinking she drew her face down to his, and kissed his cheek.
Immediately he began to grow smaller. Janie reared back, smacking into one of the bedposts, and stared at the figure in front of her, shaking her head.
"No," she whispered. "No, no."
He was shrinking: so fast it was like watching water dissolve into dry sand. Man-size, child-size, large dog, small. His eyes flew open and for a fraction of a second stared horrifiedinto her own. His hands and feet slipped like mercury from his bonds, wriggling until they met his torso and were absorbed into it. Janie"s fingers kneaded the duvet; six inches away the boy was no larger than her hand, then smaller, smaller still. She blinked, for a heart-shredding instant thought he had disappeared completely.
Then she saw something crawling between folds of velvet. The length of her middle finger, its thorax black, yellow-striped, its lower wings elongated into frilled arabesques like those of a festoon, deep yellow, charcoal black, with indigo eyespots, its upper wings a chiaroscuro of black and white stripes.
Bhutanitis lidderdalii. A native of the eastern Himalayas, rarely glimpsed: it lived among the crowns of trees in mountain valleys, its caterpillars feeding on lianas. Janie held her breath, watching as its wings beat feebly. Without warning it lifted into the air. Janie cried out, falling onto her knees as she sprawled across the bed, cupping it quickly but carefully between her hands.
"Beautiful, beautiful," she crooned. She stepped from the bed, not daring to pause and examine it, and hurried into the kitchen. In the cupboard she found an empty jar, set it down, and gingerly angled the lid from it, holding one hand with the b.u.t.terfly against her breast. She swore, feeling its wings fluttering against her fingers, then quickly brought her hand to the jar"s mouth, dropped the b.u.t.terfly inside, and screwed the lid back in place. It fluttered helplessly inside; she could see where the scales had already been sc.r.a.ped from its wing. Still swearing she ran back into the bedroom, putting the lights on and dragging her collection box from under the bed. She grabbed a vial of ethyl alcohol, went back into the kitchen and tore a bit of paper towel from the rack. She opened the vial, poured a few drops of ethyl alcohol onto the paper, opened the jar and gently tilted it onto its side. She slipped the paper inside, very slowly tipping the jar upright once more, until the paper had settled on the bottom, the b.u.t.terfly on top of it. Its wings beat frantically for a few moments, then stopped. Its proboscis uncoiled, finer than a hair. Slowly Janie drew her own hand to her brow and ran it along the length of the antennae there. She sat there staring at it until the sun leaked through the wooden shutters in the kitchen window. The b.u.t.terfly did not move again.
The next day pa.s.sed in a metallic gray haze, the only color the saturated blues and yellows of the lidderdalii"s wings, burned upon Janie"s eyes as though she had looked into the sun.
When she finally roused herself, she felt a spasm of panic at the sight of the boy"s clothes on the bedroom floor.
"s.h.i.t." She ran her hand across her head, was momentarily startled to recall she had no hair.
"Now what?"
She stood there for a few minutes, thinking; then she gathered the clothes-striped V-neck sweater, jeans, socks, Jockey shorts, Timber-land knockoff shoes-and dumped them into a plastic Sainsbury"s bag. There was a wallet in the jeans pocket. She opened it, gazed impa.s.sively at a driver"s license-KENNETH REED, WOLVERHAMPTON-and a few five-pound notes. She pocketed the money, took the license into the bathroom, and burned it, letting the ashes drop into the toilet. Then she went outside.
It was early Sunday morning, no one about except for a young mother pushing a baby in a stroller. In the neighboring doorway the same drunk old man sprawled surrounded by empty bottles and rubbish. He stared blearily up at Janie as she approached."Here," she said. She bent and dropped the five-pound notes into his scabby hand.
"G.o.d bless you, darlin"." He coughed, his eyes focusing on neither Janie nor the notes. "G.o.d bless you."
She turned and walked briskly back toward the ca.n.a.l path. There were few waste bins in Camden Town, and so each day trash acc.u.mulated in rank heaps along the path, beneath streetlights, in vacant alleys. Street cleaners and sweeping machines then daily cleared it all away again. Like elves, Janie thought. As she walked along the ca.n.a.l path she dropped the shoes in one pile of rubbish, tossed the sweater alongside a single high-heeled shoe in the market, stuffed the underwear and socks into a collapsing cardboard box filled with rotting lettuce, and left the jeans beside a stack of papers outside an unopened newsagent"s shop. The wallet she tied into the Sainsbury"s bag and dropped into an overflowing trash bag outside of Boots. Then she retraced her steps, stopping in front of a shop window filled with tatty polyester lingerie in large sizes and boldly artificial-looking wigs: pink Afros, platinum blond falls, black-and-white Cruella De Vil tresses.
The door was propped open; Schubert lieder played softly on 3 2. Janie stuck her head in and looked around, saw a beefy man behind the register, cashing out. He had orange lipstick smeared around his mouth and delicate silver fish hanging from his ears.
"We"re not open yet. Eleven on Sunday," he said without looking up.
"I"m just looking." Janie sidled over to a gla.s.s shelf where four wigs sat on Styrofoam heads. One had very glossy black hair in a chin-length flapper bob. Janie tried it on, eyeing herself in a grimy mirror. "How much is this one?"
"Fifteen. But we"re not-"
"Here. Thanks!" Janie stuck a twenty-pound note on the counter and ran from the shop. When she reached the corner she slowed, pirouetted to catch her reflection in a shop window. She stared at herself, grinning, then walked the rest of the way home, exhilarated and faintly dizzy.