Storm shifted and sat up. He put his hand on Cutter"s knee and squeezed. "I"m here. I"m listening. Talk to me."
The intensity of emotion couldn"t be projected by Cutter"s heart. Storm cared Cutter believed that. Why else would have tolerate him for so long? But Storm didn"t love him in the same way Cutter loved him.
"I need to move past this..." He wasn"t going to name his sick one-sided love for Storm. The emotion had too much power over him already. He needed to love more things in this s.h.i.tty world than Storm. "I need to move on. We"re still friends."
"Best friends," Storm a.s.serted.
Cutter nodded. Maybe this therapy s.h.i.t had some merit to it, though it would be nice not to feel as if his heart were being ripped out of his chest. Where was his knife? A compa.s.s? A thumbtack? f.u.c.k, anything to stop this turmoil of feelings. He"d do anything to stop the pain from eating him alive. Pluck. The mild sting barely scratched his itch. "I need someone who can love me back."
"I do love you."
"I know." Storm had said he loved Cutter a million times, and he might say the L-word a million times more, but all Cutter heard was "You aren"t enough for me to really love you. You don"t deserve the kind of love you want." Maybe he didn"t. He snapped the bands harder.
"Hey, you never put one of those in my hair." Storm turned back around.
Running the brush back through Storm"s hair, a calm replaced the heartbreak. This was on the "Don"t cut yourself" activity list: distract yourself by doing something other than cutting. So he gathered the dark strands and bound them together. He paid attention to the details of Storm"s hair to distract himself. The soft texture sifting through his fingers lessened his need to cut. Go figure, the doc was on to something.
The sun had set and the outdoor lamp lit the path back to the dorm. "There, it"s all done. The rat"s nest has been tamed." Hopefully, it was and Cutter would move forward, though in what direction he wasn"t sure.
Storm swiveled on the bench to face him. "Come here."
No! Yes! Oh G.o.d, I am f.u.c.ked. "What?"
With gentle fingers, Storm swiped his thumbs under Cutter"s eyes. "You look like a baby racc.o.o.n with this s.h.i.t on."
"Do not." His denial was weak as he leaned into Storm"s touch.
"I don"t even know why you wear it."
Cutter didn"t bother to justify his need to hide behind cosmetics or to try to enhance his appearance. And he certainly didn"t need to melt at Storm"s simple touch. He reached down to pluck the single rubber band that remained. Ah, a little better.
Storm had agreed to keep in touch with Ulrich even though Cutter was forbidden technology while undergoing therapy. Storm didn"t want to be off the grid so he put an old cell phone into the basket at the front desk so no one suspected he"d hidden another in his sock. Cutter always tried to catch a peek at what Storm was texting.
Replacement therapy... loks lik I was replaced.
Cutter"s instinct was to deny it but he didn"t. When it was time, he hugged Storm good night. Then he did number nine on his "Do Something Other Than Cut" list. Go figure, he"d been doing number nine since he hit p.u.b.erty. He did it three times before he finally fell asleep to dreams of the three men about whom he"d just finished fantasizing
Chapter Five.
"Please, Alex. Please, let me come." Ulrich"s body trembled against the leather ma.s.sage bed he sprawled on. His pretty begging fed Alex"s need to dominate.
After the therapists left the Extraction room, Alex pushed their two beds together as he"d done for the past week after their ma.s.sages. He"d been relaxed afterward, laughing minutes before, but now he used the milking device to tease his roommate senseless.
Alex sensually tormented him, building him to levels he"d probably never reached alone. Days ago, Uli had surrendered control of the milker to Alex. The charge of power Alex experienced was unparalleled. As they spent more time in the Extraction room, Uli"s acquiescence became a habit that nourished Alex"s uncovered desires.
"But you just o.r.g.a.s.med, Uli." Alex kept his voice calm and quiet as he tried to ignore the exhilaration coursing through him at being in charge of Ulrich"s pleasure. He"d brought Ulrich off quickly before he"d even inserted his own p.e.n.i.s into the pleasure cylinder. He turned the suction on Uli"s machine to medium and watched Uli call out as his morning erection came to fruition.
Now even though the sucking device had taken Alex to climax twice while he enjoyed Ulrich"s growing desperation, he remained erect. Uli"s response to the delay in his pleasure was even more gratifying than the device"s ravenous hunger.
Uli stared as Alex poured lubricant to wet his own shaft. Observing Ulrich"s heated response helped Alex to continue in his battle to overcome his residual negative feelings about touching himself. He might not have completely put the past behind him, but he kept it in its proper place. He focused on what intensified Ulrich"s l.u.s.ty comments, and not surprisingly, that"s what felt best to him. Uli moaned as Alex ran a finger around the crown of his p.e.n.i.s and only got louder when drips glistened from his slit.
"I"ll do anything." Uli voice sounded hoa.r.s.e. "I"ll be your slave."
The comment fueled Alex to thrust his erection back into the milker. The tube"s suction welcomed him. Alex imagined this would be similar to what Uli"s p.o.r.nography referred to as being "sucked to the root".
"Please, Alex." Uli"s breath came in shallow gasps. Alex allowed the machine to give him a fraction more suction. "I"ll be a good slave."
Alex closed his eyes and savored the words as they filled an empty s.p.a.ce deep inside him. "Kiss me."
The joyful sound that escaped Uli as he rolled toward him to find Alex"s mouth made him smile. When their lips met, Alex turned the dial, giving Uli enough stimulation to o.r.g.a.s.m. Two grunts later, Uli"s voice rose up happily as the milking machine took his donation. Uli"s kiss deepened with grat.i.tude as physical gratification swept through him.
When his slender body ceased its dance of release, Alex dialed down Ulrich"s cylinder to zero. Uli"s eyes opened and held a dreamy, far away gaze. A small smile played on his lips as he said, "Come, too, Alex. Please come."
Alex"s control slipped.
Uli seemed to know exactly what to say. "Come for me...Master. Show me I was a good slave for you."
Whoosh! Every intention Alex had of waiting and maintaining control over his body evaporated. Master. Master! The word seemed to echo in the room. His body convulsed with white-hot pleasure as waves of tremendous satisfaction crashed over him.
He didn"t know how long he"d been out, but when Alex came back to reality, Uli was curled up against the side of his body and toyed with his hair. "I love the color of your hair. It"s so blond it"s almost white."
Uli had convinced Alex to visit the Extraction rooms with him every day of the past week. They were brought to ecstasy a number of times while they cuddled and kissed. It was heavenly but it was also h.e.l.l.
Ulrich never became awkward afterward; if anything he seemed more comfortable and maybe even a little closer. Alex knew deep in his heart he was connected to Uli with a mating bond, but Cutter was coming back to the area in a few days, and Alex had no idea how to prove to Uli he might have more than one mate.
He was out of options. "Hey, you don"t mind if I don"t go to your tutoring session today, do you?" Alex continued to work with a tutor because even though he had his GED, he loved learning.
"What? Why?" Uli frowned.
Alex kissed his cheek. "I want to go talk to Lafayette."
"Why?" Anxiety seemed to be pushing Uli"s voice up into the higher range.
Moving off the table, Alex put away the machine. "I haven"t seen him in a while."
"Oh, um. Yeah. Right. We have been spending a lot of time together."
"No. I just... I just want to see how he"s doing. You know, just check in." It wasn"t completely a lie, but Uli"s expression said he wasn"t buying it. "I"ll see you after you"re done."
Alex raised his fist to knock on Lafayette"s office door for the third time but he paced away. Maybe he should go to the doctor instead. Maybe he should...
"Come in," Lafayette barked.
Darn it. His newly found determination to put his past behind him fled, inviting all his feelings of inadequacy in as he opened the door and poked his head in. The big man was behind his desk covered in papers. Lafayette was a busy man. He oversaw the businesses operated by Club Zombie, made sure every thing ran smoothly, and what free time he had left was devoted to his mate. Alex shouldn"t trouble him with problems.
"Oh, I"m sorry. You"re busy. I"ll go." Alex backed out the door. "I don"t want to bother you."
"Come in and sit. I"ve been watching your shadow lurk at the door for five minutes." Lafayette set down the papers he had been reading and gave Alex his full attention. "Have a seat." He pointed to one of the leather club chairs in front his big cherry desk. "Take a deep breath."
Alex did, allowing the scent of leather and s.e.x that clung to the office to fill him with calmness. He slowly released the air, cleansing him of confusion. He took another breath.
"Now talk to me." When Alex didn"t know how to start, Lafayette encouraged him. "You"ve seemed troubled recently."
His skin felt too tight for his body. If it were possible, he"d shed his sh.e.l.l and...what? Run? He couldn"t leave. Alex required Lafayette"s guidance. He was trapped. Tearing off his skin wasn"t a productive option. "It feels like something"s happening to me."
"I"m sorry, what did you say?" Lafayette leaned forward, his muscular body taking up even more of his chair.
Clearing his throat first so he wouldn"t mumble again, Alex stated his issue. "I feel crazy, really. I feel like I need to make things the way they should be. I"ve been having..." Darn it, this is embarra.s.sing and hard.
"You can tell me anything. Not much I haven"t heard, and you know I won"t judge."
"I know." Alex did. Lafayette was successful in every way Alex envied. He was happy with his life, he was able to give his mate everything Beau needed on every level, and he was able to a.s.sist others. Could the dominant man truly understand what he was going through? "I feel like I"m going to split in two or three." Lafayette waited quietly for Alex to continue. "In a way, I feel like you, but then, look at me." He gestured to his slender form. His mother had beaten him more than once for looking too much like a girl.
"When you say "like me", what do you mean? You mean more than my muscle, right?"
Alex inhaled sharply, releasing the air in frustration at whatever made him who and what he was. Wasn"t it tough enough being a zombie, but now all these desires had to force his hand?
"I"m dominant." Alex held his breath and waited for the man to start laughing at the ridiculous statement. When Lafayette continued to listen patiently, Alex stumbled on. "But look at me. How can I dominate my mates and give them what they need?"
"Being dominant isn"t about...wait. Mates? As in plural?" Lafayette"s eyes went wide as he a.s.sessed Alex.
Darn. Alex hadn"t meant say that out loud. He barely believed it himself. He put his face into his hands, trying not to cringe. When he dared to look up, he shrugged. "Uli doesn"t think he"s mine, and I can"t prove it...yet." Uli hadn"t transitioned yet so he couldn"t sense their connection the way Alex did. His apartment-mate was relying on inner vision that clearly didn"t see the entire picture.
"And those other boys, the ones Kai keeps on trying to chase out of the club?" Lafayette grinned but didn"t laugh at Uli"s cousin"s persistence.
"Cutter and Storm." Saying the names of his mates out loud made Alex more determined to follow his destiny. "I can sense they each need me but in very different ways."
"But you"ve not exchanged seed with them either?" Lafayette pieced together Alex"s predicament.
Blushing, Alex shook his head.
"You seem sure they are yours." Lafayette c.o.c.ked his head and scrutinized Alex.
You don"t deserve three mates, let alone one, you abomination. Alex hushed the grating voice of his mother, refusing to let it steal his happiness in all things. "I can"t tell you how I know, but the feelings have grown stronger and stronger. Deep in my gut, I know we belong together."
After studying him for a minute longer, Lafayette nodded. "You wouldn"t be the first to have multiple mates. I understand it can be as much of a blessing as it is a curse, but there"s no choice. Others have survived, as will you."
The simple acceptance from Lafayette blew Alex away. Uli certainly hadn"t even entertained the idea they could be mates. Alex racked his brain for others in a similar position, but he"d only heard of one trio, currently traipsing around Europe, and, of course, Corey and Jackson, who were waiting for their third. But he"d never heard of a foursome.
Nodding, Lafayette reached for his phone. "Hold on." The dark-skinned man texted with surprising speed and dexterity. A response came before he even returned his attention to Alex. "Master Tom will be joining us." He sat back and kicked his booted feet up on the desk.
"Dom Thomas?" The guy could be more than a little intimidating.
Over the next few minutes, Alex grew more comfortable talking to Lafayette. The man sat across from Alex and listened to him as he described his feelings as if they were important. "Tell me about why you feel dominant?"
"I don"t know, but sometimes I want to just take control and make the situation right. I know I can help my mates get in touch with who they are and what they need so they can fulfill their potential."
Once Dom Thomas entered the office and took a seat, Lafayette summed up the conversation. The man regarded Alex with what appeared to be complete understanding.
Finally, the big guy leaned toward Lafayette and asked, "What do you think?" Dom Thomas sat back in the chair and folded his arms.
"I think when he transitions fully he"ll be a dominant zombie."
"A what?" Alex grabbed a hank of his hair and twirled the strands. He wasn"t dominant. Not really. Was he? He just wanted control and his instructions followed because it would benefit his mates.
"It"s rare but some of us have a secondary transition at twenty-one and we become dominant." Lafayette shifted. "The doctor found possible tags in your blood so this isn"t completely unexpected. He didn"t want to alarm you so he and his staff just kept an eye on you when you retrieved your male essence."
"What does this mean?" Another transition? Hadn"t he already started the transition?
Dom Tom sat forward. "Do you have any fantasies in terms of BDSM?"
"No." Not really, he"d always tried not to have those fantasies. BDSM? Whips and chains? And why did the mere thought of those items make him pant? He turned away, but he couldn"t avoid the images of bondage and discipline flashing before his eyes. "Maybe." He wasn"t going to share how Uli calling him "Master" turned him inside out.
Huffing, Master Thomas swiveled to share a stare with Lafayette, who cleared his throat. "Doesn"t matter. I didn"t, either, but after my secondary transition I needed to dominate Beau completely."
"Needed to?"
"Without question." He glanced up to catch Lafayette"s grin, which was laced with what appeared to be fond memories.
"But I can"t dominate anyone. Look at me." Alex, confused by the recent spikes in his feelings, hoped he didn"t sound like a whining brat, but the situation wasn"t making sense.
"Alex, you wouldn"t know this from looking at me, but before my twenty-first birthday I was as slender as you."
"What happened?"
"After the secondary transition, I woke up to find my body had doubled in size, and I became almost as muscular as I am now."
"Overnight?" Alex choked out in disbelief.
"Yup." The guy snickered. "h.e.l.l, after my secondary transition I was convinced I should just move into Behind The Red Door." When confusion must have registered on Alex"s face, Dom Tom clarified. "The BDSM part of the club where guys go because they just need to submit or dominate."
Lafayette chuckled. "Though, right now your mate takes up all your energy. I"ve rarely seen you out of your quarters."
"Talon"s needy, and I"ve got a lot to give." Dom Tom"s deep laughter joined Lafayette"s.
Worry weighed down on Alex. He shook his head. "I don"t know how to dominate anyone." Though BDSM excited him to think about it, he didn"t have the knowledge to carry out what raced through his head. What he did with Uli was a fraction of what was possible. A shudder ran the length of his body as he imagined bending his mates to his will and satisfying them in ways they hadn"t considered.
Both men turned their attention back to him. "Some of it comes to you automatically at the secondary transition, and the other stuff we can teach you."
Lafayette added, "Actually, I think we should start training you now since your birthday is coming up, isn"t it?"