D.--He is in a false position.
FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.--I am not familiar with it.
D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appet.i.te.
F.--But how long does his appet.i.te last?
D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.--The portion that survives him--?
D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Pa.s.sion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.--Pitch it a biscuit.
FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.--I never do tell.
F.--I mean how do you know?
D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.--How does the patient know?
D.--The fool asks me.
F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.--Eat a cuc.u.mber cut up in shilling claret.
DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.--One"s relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.
F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I "ll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.--Done!
F.--You have won the wager.
FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."
D.--This must have been very confusing.
F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.--You tumour!
FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.
F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.--Beast! Give me air!
DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--
FOOL.--(Liar!)
D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.
Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.--Explain.