F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
III.
SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a s.e.xton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.
S.--I will revel in antic.i.p.ation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper t.i.tles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the compet.i.tion.
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
S.--You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts both ways.
F.--And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent.
S.--But for what am I indebted to you?
F.--For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible.
S.--The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I should enjoy a quant.i.ty of elegant leisure.
F.--As a clodhopper.
S.--I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit; and if some other fellow did did not so hop his--! I say no more.
F.--You have said enough; there would be war.
SOLDIER.--Why wear a cap and bells?
FOOL.--I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange them.
S.--For what?
F.--A helmet and feather.
S.--G "hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs."
F.--"T is only wisdom should be bound in calf.
S.--Why?
F.--Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef.
S.--Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin?
F.--Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is--the naked truth.
S.--How should it?