"I am sorry, superior female," Jonathan Yeager answered. "I did not come up here intending to cause you pain. I came up here intending to give you pleasure, to make you happy. I hope I did that, too."
"You know you did!" Ka.s.squit exclaimed. "But, because you made me so happy, you make me sad that you will not be making me happy any more."
That sounded convoluted even to her, but Jonathan Yeager had no trouble sorting it out. He said, "I will always remember you. I will always be fond of you. Even if a time should come that we cannot be anything more than friends, we shall always be friends."
"Why should a time come...?"Ka.s.squit answered her own half-formed question: "Tosevites contract to mate exclusively with only one partner."
"Yes, that is a truth," the wild Big Ugly agreed.
"You think you will eventually enter into one of these contracts." Ka.s.squit knew she sounded grim, but couldn"t help it.
Jonathan Yeager nodded his head, then made the Race"s affirmative gesture. "It is likely. Most males and females do."
"And at that point, you will not want to mate with me?" Ka.s.squit asked.
The wild Tosevite coughed and looked away. "It is not that I would not want to," he said. "But then I should not. If an exclusive mating arrangement proves not to be exclusive, complications soon follow. Tosevite s.e.xuality is difficult enough without complications, I think."
As far as Ka.s.squit could see, any s.e.xuality was difficult. Trying to meet a partner"s needs and trying to get one"s own met by a partner who lacked full understanding of one"s body because his was different were even more difficult than the certainties of stroking oneself. They were also much less lonely, though. She hadn"t understood that, not till Jonathan Yeager came aboard the starship.
And now more loneliness loomed ahead of Ka.s.squit. Jonathan Yeager was likely to enter one of those exclusive partnerships. Even if he didn"t, mating opportunities for him would be down on the surface of Tosev 3. Ka.s.squit wondered where she would ever find another one. She wondered if she would ever find another one. By what she knew of things, it seemed unlikely.
How much of that did Jonathan Yeager understand? He had to be intellectually aware of it; she"d explained till he was probably tired of listening. But did it mean anything to him? Sometimes Ka.s.squit thought one thing, sometimes the other.
She got no more time to wonder now. A hiss from the door announced the presence of a visitor. And only one visitor would be coming at this time. "The shuttlecraft pilot!" Jonathan Yeager exclaimed.
"Yes, the shuttlecraft pilot," Ka.s.squit said dully. She put on a fingerclaw to open the door.
A male of the Race stood in the corridor. "Which of you Big Uglies is the one called Jonathan Yeager?" he asked, making a botch of the name.
Jonathan Yeager barked Tosevite laughter, then said, "I am." He turned to Ka.s.squit. "Good-bye. I hope I see you again. I know I will always remember you."
"Good-bye," she said, and embraced him.
The shuttlecraft pilot turned both his eye turrets away from them. "Disgusting," he muttered in a low voice. Ka.s.squit didn"t think she was supposed to hear it, but she did. After a moment, the shuttlecraft pilot spoke louder: "Are you ready to leave, Jonathan Yeager? The launch window will not last indefinitely, in case you are not aware of it."
"I am aware of it." Jonathan Yeager picked up the bag of belongings he"d brought up from the surface of Tosev 3. "I am ready."
"Then let us go," the shuttlecraft pilot said. And go they did. Ka.s.squit closed the door behind them. The panel smoothly slid shut; the Race"s engineers knew their business. For many years, being alone in her cubicle had seemed a refuge, a place where she was not the strange one in a starship-in effect, in a world-where no one else was like her.
Now, suddenly, the compartment seemed a prison, a trap. When she looked over at the sleeping mat, she imagined mating there with Jonathan Yeager. All she had left now were imagination and memory. The wild Big Ugly was gone. He wouldn"t come back soon, if he ever came back at all.
"What am I going to do?" Ka.s.squit whispered.
She knew what would have been expected of a female of the Race: to return to the way she had been, as if nothing had happened. When males and females of the Race weren"t in season, s.e.xuality meant nothing to them. They would a.s.sume it meant nothing to her, either. She wished it didn"t. Part of her wished it didn"t, anyhow. The rest longed for it.
"What am I going to do?" she said again.
Not for the first time, she wished the Deutsche had chosen some other moment to launch their attack on the Race. Her reason for that wish, though, was undoubtedly unique. Had Jonathan Yeager not been forced to stay in the starship so long, she wouldn"t have developed this emotional attachment to him. Her life would have been simpler, in a sense purer.
But now you understand more of what being a Tosevite is truly like, she thought. she thought. Now you know you are not merely a poor copy of a female of the Race. Now you know you are not merely a poor copy of a female of the Race. Half of her was glad to have the knowledge. The other half would as gladly have done without it. Half of her was glad to have the knowledge. The other half would as gladly have done without it.
She sighed. She would never make a proper female of the Race. And she would never make a proper Big Ugly, either. What did that leave her? I wonder if I could become a proper Rabotev or Hallessi. I wonder if I could become a proper Rabotev or Hallessi. She laughed at her own foolishness. Why not? No one else would have found it funny. She laughed at her own foolishness. Why not? No one else would have found it funny.
But laughter soon faded. What would she do now that she was by herself again? The question wouldn"t go away. No answer suggested itself, either.
Someone outside asked for attention; the speaker by the door hissed again. "Who is it?" Ka.s.squit asked.
"I: Ttomalss. May I come in?"
"Yes, superior sir." Ka.s.squit opened the door for him, as she had for the shuttlecraft pilot. She bent into the posture of respect. "I greet you, superior sir."
"And I greet you, Ka.s.squit," the psychological researcher said. "I came in to inquire about your feelings now that the wild Big Ugly named Jonathan Yeager is returning to the surface of Tosev 3."
"Yes, I thought you might." Ka.s.squit didn"t realize how sarcastic she sounded till the words were out of her mouth.
Ttomalss let out a wounded hiss. "Your well-being is a matter of considerable concern to me, you know, not only for personal reasons but also because of what I am trying to learn about successfully integrating the Race"s cultural patterns with the limits imposed by Tosevite biology."
Yes, I understand that, superior sir, and I apologize," Ka.s.squit said, on the whole sincerely. "How do I feel?" She took a deep breath. "Confused "Confused may well be the best word. Too much has happened to me emotionally, and it has happened too fast, for me to be at all certain what it means. may well be the best word. Too much has happened to me emotionally, and it has happened too fast, for me to be at all certain what it means. Bereft Bereft is another word that comes to mind." is another word that comes to mind."
"It was so important, then, for you to have this contact with one who was like you biologically even if so different culturally?" Ttomalss asked.
"Superior sir, at the moment I feel it was," Ka.s.squit said. "How I will feel in several days" time, or in a year"s, I cannot tell you at present, but for now I feel I have been deprived of something I never knew I needed."
Ttomalss sighed. "I feared that might be so when we began this experiment. I especially feared it might be so when Jonathan Yeager stayed longer than antic.i.p.ated, solidifying your s.e.xual and emotional bonds with him. I do take some consolation in noting that Tosevite emotions, while generally stronger than those of the Race, are also generally more transient."
That was meant to console Ka.s.squit, too, and should have. Instead, it somehow made her furious. "So you think my emotions will go away just because I am a Big Ugly, do you?" she shouted. "I think you you had better go away, superior sir!" She turned the honorific into a curse, and used an emphatic cough afterwards. When she took a step toward the psychological researcher, he left in a very great hurry indeed. had better go away, superior sir!" She turned the honorific into a curse, and used an emphatic cough afterwards. When she took a step toward the psychological researcher, he left in a very great hurry indeed.
Jonathan Yeager descended from the shuttlecraft and let his feet thump down on the concrete runway at Los Angeles International Airport. The breeze smelled of the nearby ocean. It played on him at random, not with the gentle regularity of the starship"s ventilation system. After so long, random breezes felt strange, unnatural. He laughed. Random breezes were anything but.
His teeth started to chatter. After so long aboard the Lizards" starship, the breeze that swept across the airport also felt d.a.m.n cold. Because of the sea breeze, the airport was one of the coolest spots in the L.A. basin. Jonathan knew that. He"d never known it to be so downright arctic, though.
He moved away from the shuttlecraft as trucks came up to refill its hydrogen and oxygen tanks. A car came up, too, a familiar car. There was his father behind the wheel. They waved to each other. The car stopped. Jonathan"s dad hopped out and gave him a hug. "Good to see you, son!" he said. "Good to have you home!"
"Good to be back, Dad," Jonathan answered. "It"d be even better if I weren"t freezing to death." He tacked on an emphatic cough. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. Except for the odd word of English here and there, he"d spoken nothing but the language of the Race for a couple of months. Going back to his native tongue felt odd: English seemed sloppy and imprecise after the Lizards" language.
His father laughed. "It"s a nice day, if you ask me. But you"ve been up in the bake oven for a while, so you wouldn"t think so." He went around to the pa.s.senger side of the Buick and opened the door. "Hop in and we"ll head for home. Your mom"ll be just as glad to see you as I am. She"s riding herd on Mickey and Donald right now."
"How are they doing?" Jonathan asked. He hadn"t been able to inquire about them while he was on the starship; as far as the Race was concerned, they didn"t exist.
"They"re growing like weeds," his father answered. "They"re only two and a half now, but they"re already something like three-quarters as big as they will be. And talking quite a bit, too. If Lizard psychologists wore hats, they"d have to eat "em, because they say that kind of thing just doesn"t happen."
Jonathan slid into the car. It was warmer in there than outside. "What else has been going on while I was away?" he asked, tossing his bag onto the back seat.
His father got behind the wheel and started up the hydrogen-burning engine. "Oh, this and that," he answered. His tone was casual. Too casual? Jonathan shot him a sharp look. The elder Yeager went on, "We can talk more about that when we get home, okay?"
"Okay." Jonathan didn"t know what else to say. The car glided up to a security gate in the chain-link fence that kept normal traffic off the runways. His dad showed a guard his ID. The guard nodded and handed his dad a clipboard. His father signed the paper it held and gave it back. The guard opened the gate. The car left the restricted area and went out into a parking lot. Jonathan found another question. With a certain amount of apprehension, he asked, "How"s Karen doing?"
"Not... too bad," his father answered judiciously. "She comes over once or twice a week. She likes the hatchlings, you know."
"Yeah," Jonathan answered. "Does she... still like me?"
"She hasn"t said much." His father paused as he left the lot and merged into traffic. "Your mother and I haven"t asked her a whole lot of questions, you know. We figured it would be best if you took care of all that yourself."
"Okay," Jonathan said again, and then, after a moment, "Thanks. Uh-does she know what all I was doing up on the starship?"
"Well..." His father made another one of those judicious pauses. "Let me put it this way: I don"t think she thinks you were playing tiddlywinks up there."
"Oh." Jonathan thought about that. He sighed. "Has she said anything about it?"
"Not much." His dad sounded admiring. On the farm and in the minor leagues and in the Army, keeping your mouth shut was praiseworthy. A phrase his father sometimes used when his mother couldn"t hear was, He wouldn"t say s.h.i.t if he had a mouthful. He wouldn"t say s.h.i.t if he had a mouthful. He meant it as approval. He meant it as approval.
But what was Karen not saying? Jonathan sighed. He"d have to find out. On the other hand, Karen might not want to say anything to him ever again. But if she didn"t, would she keep coming around to see Mickey and Donald? She might, dammit, She might, dammit, he thought. She was wild to learn anything she could about Lizards. A lot of kids-maybe even most-her age and Jonathan"s were the same way. he thought. She was wild to learn anything she could about Lizards. A lot of kids-maybe even most-her age and Jonathan"s were the same way.
Getting from the airport to Jonathan"s house took about half an hour. Up in the starship, he would have gone around a significant fraction of the Earth"s circ.u.mference in that time. His dad pulled into the driveway. When they got out, Jonathan noticed something he hadn"t before. He pointed to his father"s hip. "Are you wearing that pistol all the time now, Dad?"
"Every waking minute," his father answered, dropping his right hand to the holstered .45. "And it"s always where I can grab it fast when I"m sleeping, too."
"Are things really that that bad?" Jonathan knew about the attacks on his father and the house, of course. But none of them had come to anything, so he had trouble taking them seriously. bad?" Jonathan knew about the attacks on his father and the house, of course. But none of them had come to anything, so he had trouble taking them seriously.
"No." His father"s voice belied the word. After a moment, the elder Yeager added, "They"re worse."
Before Jonathan could respond to that, the front door opened and his mother hurried out to say h.e.l.lo. Between embraces and kisses, he stopped worrying about the pistol for a while. "I"m so glad to see you," his mom said over and over. "I"m so glad you"re safe."
She didn"t know how close that German had come to blowing the starship out of the sky. He didn"t intend to tell her, either. All he said was, "It"s great to be back." He wondered if he meant it. Next to where he"d been, the stucco house looked like a primitive makeshift.
"I bet you"ll be glad to sleep in your own bed again," his mother said. "From what your father tells me, a Lizard sleeping mat isn"t what you"d call comfortable."
"My own bed sounds great, Mom." Jonathan didn"t have to work too hard to sound enthusiastic. The sleeping mat hadn"t been all that great. But he"d be sleeping alone in his room. He"d had company, friendly company, up on the starship. His eyes slid to his father. By the way his dad was holding his mouth a little too tightly, he knew what Jonathan was thinking.
His mother said, "I wonder if the hatchlings will remember you. It"s been a good-sized part of their lives since they"ve seen you."
"Let"s go find out," Jonathan said. He wanted to discover if Mickey and Donald still knew who he was, too. And, if he was dealing with the hatchlings, his mom wouldn"t have the chance to hara.s.s him about how he shouldn"t have gone up to the starship in the first place or about how he shouldn"t have spent all his time up there fooling around with Ka.s.squit.
He missed the girl the Lizards had done their best to raise as one of theirs. He couldn"t help it. He"d broken off a love affair. It never would have worked, not for life, not the way his folks" marriage had. He could see that. But it had been intense while he was up there. With him and Ka.s.squit closed up in one little cubicle all the time, how could it have been anything else?
When he got inside the house, he dropped his bag in the middle of the living room. His mom gave him a look. His dad murmured, "It"s okay this once, Barbara." His mother frowned, but nodded a second later.
Mickey and Donald were in their room. When Jonathan opened the door, he gaped at how much they"d grown. Sure as h.e.l.l, they were well on their way to being full-sized Lizards. But they looked funny. He needed a moment to realize why: they wore no body paint. He wanted to speak to them in the language of the Race. That wouldn"t work. They didn"t know it, any more than Ka.s.squit knew any human tongue. As she"d been raised as a Lizard, they were being brought up as people.
"Hi, guys," Jonathan said in English. "I"m Jonathan. Remember me?"
They came up to him, slowly, a little bit warily-he was bigger than either of his parents. Their eye turrets swiveled as they looked him up and down. Did Did they have any idea who he was? However much he wanted to, he couldn"t tell. they have any idea who he was? However much he wanted to, he couldn"t tell.
Then Mickey took another step toward him and stuck out his right hand. "h.e.l.lo, Jonathan," he said. His mouth couldn"t make all the sounds of English, any more than Jonathan"s could shape all those the Lizards" language used. He was probably talking baby talk, too. But Jonathan understood him.
"h.e.l.lo, Mickey," he said gravely, and shook the little scaly hand. Then he nodded to Donald. "h.e.l.lo, Donald. How are you?"
"h.e.l.lo." Donald was bigger and stronger than Mickey, but Mickey talked better; he-or maybe she-had always been the more clever hatchling.
Before Jonathan and the Lizards could say anything more, the telephone rang. Jonathan jumped a bit. He"d got used to hearing hisses. But then old habit took over. "I"ll get it," he said, and hurried into the kitchen. "h.e.l.lo?"
"h.e.l.lo, Mr. Yeager," said the voice on the other end of the line: Karen"s voice. "Could I-"
"I"m not my dad," Jonathan broke in, wondering what the devil would happen next. "I"m me. I"m back. Hi."
"Oh," Karen said. Then there was silence-quite a bit of silence. At last, Karen went on, "h.e.l.lo, Jonathan. Did you... have a good time up on the starship?" She knew what he"d been doing up there, all right. He could hear it in her voice.
"Yeah, I did." Jonathan could hardly deny it. "I didn"t expect to stay up there so long, though. Who would have thought the Germans would really start that war? I"m awful glad to be home." His mother would have coughed at the colloquialism, but she"d stayed down at the other end of the house. He gave it his best shot: "I"d like to see you again, if you still want to see me."
"Well..." More silence. Karen finally continued, "I do want to go on seeing Mickey and Donald, and that"ll mean seeing you, too, won"t it? But that"s not what you meant. I know it isn"t. You were doing research, yeah, but... that that kind of research?" Another pause. "Maybe when I come over there for the hatchlings, we can talk about the other stuff. That"s about the best I can do, okay?" kind of research?" Another pause. "Maybe when I come over there for the hatchlings, we can talk about the other stuff. That"s about the best I can do, okay?"
"Okay," Jonathan said at once-it was as much as he"d hoped for, maybe even a little more. "Do you still want to talk to my dad?"
"No, never mind-it"ll keep," Karen said. "Good-bye." She hung up. So did Jonathan.
Maybe the sound of the handset going onto the cradle told his father it was safe to come into the kitchen. He glanced at Jonathan and chuckled. "You"re still in one piece, I see," he remarked.
"Yeah." Jonathan knew he sounded relieved. "Maybe we can work things out."
"I hope so. She"s a nice girl." His dad pulled a couple of bottles of Lucky Lager out of the icebox and handed one to Jonathan. "Come on out to the back yard."
That wasn"t an invitation he usually made, but Jonathan followed. "What"s up?" he asked when they were standing on the gra.s.s.
"You asked what was new when you got into the car. I didn"t want to tell you there, or in the house. Here, I think it"s okay-who"d put a microphone on a lemon tree?" His father sounded as weary and cynical as Jonathan had ever heard him.
"What"s up?" Jonathan asked again, swigging from the bottle of beer.
And his father told him. As he listened, his eyes got wider and wider. "That"s what I"m sitting on," his father finished. "Do I need to remind you just how important it is not to repeat it?"
"No, sir," Jonathan said at once, still shocked-maybe more shocked than he"d ever been in his life. "Besides, who"d believe me?"
.5.
Everything Ka.s.squit and Jonathan Yeager had done together on the starship-everything from mating to cleaning their teeth-was recorded. Ttomalss studied the video and audio records with great attention: how better to learn about the interactions between a civilized Tosevite and one of the wild Big Uglies from the surface of Tosev 3?
What he found distressed him in a number of ways. He had spent Ka.s.squit"s entire lifetime shaping her as he thought she should go. When she was with him even now, she behaved as a civilized being ought to behave. But when she was with Jonathan Yeager...