They have been trying Frank"s new boat, Mr. Pollingray, and they"ve upset it. Oh! oh" and again there was the woodp.e.c.k.e.rs" chorus.
"Alice, I desire you instantly to go and fetch John the gardener," said the angry mother.
"Mama, I can"t move; wait a minute, only a minute. John"s gone about the geraniums. Oh! don"t look so resigned, papa; you"ll kill me! Mama, come and take my hand. Oh! oh!"
The young lady put her hands in against her waist and rolled her body like a possessed one.
"Why don"t you come in through the boat-house?" she asked when she had mastered her fit.
"Ah!" said the vicar. I beheld him struck by this new thought.
"How utterly absurd you are, Mr. Amble!" exclaimed his wife, "when you know that the boat-house is locked, and that the boat was lying under the camshot when you persuaded me to step into it."
Hearing this explanation of the accident, Alice gave way to an ungovernable emotion.
"You see, my dear," the vicar addressed his wife, she can do nothing; it"s useless. If ever patience is counselled to us, it is when accidents befall us, for then, as we are not responsible, we know we are in other hands, and it is our duty to be comparatively pa.s.sive. Perhaps I may say that in every difficulty, patience is a life-belt. I beg of you to be patient still."
"Mr. Amble, I shall think you foolish," said the spouse, with a nod of more than emphasis.
My dear, you have only to decide," was the meek reply.
By this time, Miss Alice had so far conquered the fiend of laughter that she could venture to summon her mother close up to the bank and extend a rescuing hand. Mrs. Amble waded to within reach, her husband following.
Arrangements were made for Alice to pull, and the vicar to push; both in accordance with Mrs. Amble"s stipulations, for even in her extremity of helplessness she affected rule and sovereignty. Unhappily, at the decisive moment, I chanced (and I admit it was more than an inadvertence on my part, it was a most ill-considered thing to do) I chanced, I say, to call out--and that I refrained from quoting Voltaire is something in my favour:
"How on earth did you manage to tumble in?"
There can be no contest of opinion that I might have kept my curiosity waiting, and possibly it may be said with some justification that I was the direct cause of my friend"s unparalleled behaviour; but could a mortal man guess that in the very act of a.s.sisting his wife"s return to dry land, and while she was--if I may put it so--modestly in his hands, he would turn about with a quotation that compared him to old Palinurus, all the while allowing his worthy and admirable burden to sink lower and dispread in excess upon the surface of the water, until the vantage of her daughter"s help was lost to her; I beheld the consequences of my indiscretion, dismayed. I would have checked the preposterous Virgilian, but in contempt of my uplifted hand and averted head, and regardless of the fact that his wife was then literally dependent upon him, the vicar declaimed (and the drenching effect produced by Latin upon a lady at such a season, may be thought on):
Vix primos inopina quies laxaverat artus, Et super inc.u.mbens, c.u.m puppis parte revulsa c.u.mque gubernaclo liquidas projecit in undas."
It is not easy when you are unacquainted with the language, to retort upon Latin, even when the attempt to do so is made in English. Very few even of the uneducated ears can tolerate such anti-climax vituperative as English after sounding Latin. Mrs. Amble kept down those sentiments which her vernacular might have expressed. I heard but one groan that came from her as she lay huddled indistinguishably in the arms of her husband.
"Not--praecipitem! I am happy to say," my senseless friend remarked further, and laughed cheerfully as he fortified his statement with a run of negatives. "No, no"; in a way peculiar to him. "No, no. If I plant my grey hairs anywhere, it will be on dry land: no. But, now, my dear; he returned to his duty; why, you"re down again. Come: one, two, and up."
He was raising a dead weight. The pa.s.sion for sarcastic speech was manifestly at war with common prudence in the bosom of Mrs. Amble; prudence, however, overcame it. She cast on him a look of a kind that makes matrimony terrific in the dreams of bachelors, and then wedding her energy to the a.s.sistance given she made one of those senseless springs of the upper half of the body, which strike the philosophic eye with the futility of an effort that does not arise from a solid basis.
Owing to the want of concert between them, the vicar"s impulsive strength was expended when his wife"s came into play. Alice clutched her mother bravely. The vicar had force enough to stay his wife"s descent; but Alice (she boasts of her muscle) had not the force in the other direction--and no wonder. There are few young ladies who could pull fourteen stone sheer up a camshot.
Mrs. Amble remained in suspense between the two.
Oh, Mr. Pollingray, if you were only on this side to help us," Miss Alice exclaimed very piteously, though I could see that she was half mad with the internal struggle of laughter at the parents and concern for them.
"Now, pull, Alice," shouted the vicar.
"No, not yet," screamed Mrs. Amble; I"m sinking."
"Pull, Alice."
"Now, Mama."
"Oh!"
"Push, Papa."
"I"m down."
"Up, Ma"am; Jane; woman, up."
"Gently, Papa: Abraham, I will not."
"My dear, but you must."
"And that man opposite."
"What, Pollingray? He"s fifty."
I found myself walking indignantly down the path. Even now I protest my friend was guilty of bad manners, though I make every allowance for him; I excuse, I pa.s.s the order; but why--what justifies one man"s bawling out another man"s age? What purpose does it serve? I suppose the vicar wished to rea.s.sure his wife, on the principle (I have heard him enunciate it) that the s.e.xes are merged at fifty--by which he means, I must presume, that something which may be good or bad, and is generally silly--of course, I admire and respect modesty and pudeur as much as any man--something has gone: a recognition of the bounds of division. There is, if that is a lamentable matter, a loss of certain of our young tricks at fifty. We have ceased to blush readily: and let me ask you to define a blush. Is it an involuntary truth or an ingenuous lie? I know that this will sound like the language of a man not a little jealous of his youthful compeers. I can but leave it to rightly judging persons to consider whether a healthy man in his prime, who has enough, and is not cursed by ambition, need be jealous of any living soul.
A shriek from Miss Alice checked my retreating steps. The vicar was staggering to support the breathing half of his partner while she regained her footing in the bed of the river. Their effort to scale the camshot had failed. Happily at this moment I caught sight of Master Frank"s boat, which had floated, bottom upwards, against a projecting mud-bank of forget-me-nots. I contrived to reach it and right it, and having secured one of the sculls, I pulled up to the rescue; though not before I had plucked a flower, actuated by a motive that I cannot account for. The vicar held the boat firmly against the camshot, while I, at the imminent risk of joining them (I shall not forget the combined expression of Miss Alice"s retreating eyes and the malicious corners of her mouth) hoisted the lady in, and the river with her. From the seat of the boat she stood sufficiently high to project the step towards land without peril. When she had set her foot there, we all a.s.sumed an att.i.tude of respectful attention, and the vicar, who could soar over calamity like a fairweather swallow, acknowledged the return of his wife to the element with a series of apologetic yesses and short coughings.
"That would furnish a good concert for the poets," he remarked. "A parting, a separation of lovers; "even as a body from the watertorn,"
or "from the water plucked"; eh? do you think--"so I weep round her, tearful in her track," an excellent--"
But the outraged woman, dripping in grievous discomfort above him, made a peremptory gesture.
"Mr. Amble, will you come on sh.o.r.e instantly, I have borne with your stupidity long enough. I insist upon your remembering, sir, that you have a family dependent upon you. Other men may commit these follies."
This was a blow at myself, a bachelor whom the lady had never persuaded to dream of relinquishing his freedom.
"My dear, I am coming," said the vicar.
"Then, come at once, or I shall think you idiotic," the wife retorted.
"I have been endeavouring," the vicar now addressed me, "to prove by a practical demonstration that women are capable of as much philosophy as men, under any sudden and afflicting revolution of circ.u.mstances."
"And if you get a sunstroke, you will be rightly punished, and I shall not be sorry, Mr. Amble."
"I am coming, my dear Jane. Pray run into the house and change your things."
"Not till I see you out of the water, sir."
"You are losing your temper, my love."
"You would make a saint lose his temper, Mr. Amble."
"There were female saints, my dear," the vicar mildly responded; and addressed me further: "Up to this point, I a.s.sure you, Pollingray, no conduct could have been more exemplary than Mrs. Amble"s. I had got her into the boat--a good boat, a capital boat--but getting in myself, we overturned. The first impulse of an ordinary woman would have been to reproach and scold; but Mrs. Amble succ.u.mbed only to the first impulse.
Discovering that all effort unaided to climb the bank was fruitless, she agreed to wait patiently and make the best of circ.u.mstances; and she did; and she learnt to enjoy it. There is marrow in every bone. My dear.
Jane, I have never admired you so much. I tried her, Pollingray, in metaphysics. I talked to her of the opera we last heard, I think fifty years ago. And as it is less endurable for a woman to be patient in tribulation--the honour is greater, when she overcomes the fleshy trial.
Insomuch," the vicar put on a bland air of abnegation of honour, "that I am disposed to consider any male philosopher our superior; when you"ve found one, ha, ha--when you"ve found one. O sol pulcher! I am ready to sing that the day has been glorious, so far. Pulcher ille dies."