Ever yours affectionately,
VIVEKANANDA. PS. If the workers are all averse to organising, do you think there is any benefit in it? You know best. Do what you think best. I have a letter from Margot from Chicago. She asks some questions; I am going to reply.
V.
CLXXV.
To an American friend
ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA,.
12th April, 1900. Mother is becoming propitious once more. Things are looking up. They must. Work always brings evil with it. I have paid for the acc.u.mulated evil with bad health. I am glad. My mind is all the better for it. There is a mellowness and a calmness in life now, which was never there before. I am learning now how to be detached as well as attached, and mentally becoming my own master. . . .
Mother is doing Her own work; I do not worry much now. Moths like me die by the thousand every instant. Her work goes on all the same. Glory unto Mother! . . . Alone and drifting about in the will-current of the Mother has been my whole life. The moment I have tried to break this, that moment I have been hurt. Her will be done! . . .
I am happy, at peace with myself, and more of the Sannyasin than I ever was before. The love for my own kith and kin is growing less every day, and that for Mother increasing. Memories of long nights of vigil with Shri Ramakrishna under the Dakshineswar Banyan are waking up once more. And work? What is work? Whose work? Whom shall I work for?
I am free. I am Mother"s child. She works, She plays. Why should I plan? What should I plan? Things came and went, just as She liked, without my planning. We are Her automata. She is the wirepuller.
CLXXVI.
To Miss Josephine MacLeod
ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA,.
20th April, 1900.
MY DEAR JOE,.
Received your note today. I wrote you one yesterday but directed it to England thinking you will be there. I have given your message to Mrs. Betts. I am so sorry this little quarrel came with A__. I got also his letter you sent. He is correct so far as he says, "Swami wrote me "Mr. Leggett is not interested in Vedanta and will not help any more. You stand on your own feet."" It was as you and Mrs. Leggett desired me to write him from Los Angeles about New York - in reply to his asking me what to do for funds.
Well, things will take their own shape, but it seems in Mrs. Bull"s and your mind there is some idea that I ought to do something. But in the first place I do not know anything about the difficulties. None of you write me anything about what that is for, and I am no thought-reader. You simply wrote me a general idea that A__ wanted to keep things in his hands. What can I understand from it? What are the difficulties? Regarding what the differences are about, I am as much in the dark as about the exact date of the Day of Destruction! And yet Mrs. Bull"s and your letters show quite an amount of vexation! These things get complicated sometimes, in spite of ourselves. Let them take their shape.
I have executed and sent the will to Mr. Leggett as desired by Mrs. Bull. I am going on, sometimes well and at other times ill. I cannot say, on my conscience, that I have been the least benefited by Mrs. Milton. She has been good to me, I am very thankful. My love to her. Hope she will benefit others.
For writing to Mrs. Bull this fact, I got a four page sermon, as to how I ought to be grateful and thankful, etc., etc. All that is, sure, the outcome of this A__ business! St.u.r.dy and Mrs. Johnson got disturbed by Margot, and they fell upon me. Now A__ disturbs Mrs. Bull and, of course, I have to bear the brunt of it. Such is life!
You and Mrs. Leggett wanted me to write him to be free and independent and that Mr. Leggett was not going to help them. I wrote it - now what can I do? If John or Jack does not obey you, am I to be hanged for it? What do I know about this Vedanta Society? Did I start it? Had I any hand in it? Then again, n.o.body condescends to write me anything about what the affair is! Well, this world is a great fun.
I am glad Mrs. Leggett is recovering fast. I pray every moment for her complete recovery. I start for Chicago on Monday. A kind lady has given me a pa.s.s up to New York to be used within three months. The Mother will take care of me. She is not going to strand me now after guarding me all my life.
Ever yours gratefully,
CLXXVII.
To Miss Mary Hale
23rd April, 1900.
MY DEAR MARY, I ought to have started today but circ.u.mstances so happened that I cannot forgo the temptation to be in a camp under the huge red-wood trees of California before I leave. Therefore I postpone it for three or four days. Again after the incessant work I require a breath of G.o.d"s free air before I start on this bonebreaking journey of four days.
Margot insists in her letter that I must keep my promise to come to see Aunt Mary in fifteen days. It will be kept - only in twenty days instead of fifteen. By that I avoid the nasty snowstorm Chicago had lately and get a little strength too.
Margot is a great partisan of Aunt Mary it seems, and other people besides me have nieces and cousins and aunts. I start tomorrow to the woods. Woof! get my lungs full of ozone before getting into Chicago. In the meanwhile keep my mail for me when it comes to Chicago and don"t send it off here like a good girl as you are.
I have finished work. Only a few days" rest, my friends insist - three or four - before facing the railway.
I have got a free pa.s.s for three months from here to New York; no expense except the sleeping car; so, you see, free, free!
Yours affectionately,
CLXXVIII.
To Miss Mary Hale
30th April, 1900.
MY DEAR MARY, Sudden indisposition and fever prevent my starting for Chicago yet. I will start as soon as I am strong for the journey. I had a letter from Margot the other day. Give her kindly my love, and know yourself my eternal love. Where is Harriet? Still in Chicago? And the McKindley sisters? To all my love.
VIVEKANANDA. *.
CLXXIX.
To Sister Nivedita
2nd May, 1900.