Chapter 231 - What to focus on
Xiu Mei fell into confusion.
Was that really the weight she"s been hiding all these years?
But how?
When she decided to move out from home and started to live independently, wasn"t that her determination?
When she chose the path of business instead of following the footsteps of military and politics, wasn"t it her resolve to get away from the path already laid before her?
When she chose to continue to live, pus.h.i.+ng herself hard day by day instead of succ.u.mbing to the pain and whispers that haunted her for years, wasn"t it because of her persistence?
What she thought she had… it was that kept her going every day to wake up and continue her life as normal as she possibly could. It was the only thing that she felt proud of herself because no matter what her past was, she was able to keep going despite the sin she carried alone.
But now, the answer to her question was that tenacity that supposed to be the thing that kept her from dying for all these years?
And that she only really had it now?
So then what was it? What was what she had all this time? Had it been a lie?
"It seems like you"ve figured out the answer." Dr.Lee spoke out waking her up from her depressing thoughts. It took a moment for her to answer.
"I guess… but I don"t know. I—"
"So you"re not happy with the answer that you found?"
Xiu Mei lowered her gaze and bit her lip before nodding. Dr.Lee didn"t ask what her answer was, but he stayed silent and just stared at her as if he already knew what she was thinking about.
"You couldn"t accept it?" He pushed.
"I—I don"t know. It"s just, I already know that I"m not as strong as I make it out to be, but is it actually possible that I"ve been living...I mean, everything that I did, that I was proud of..." She raised her head and desperately tried to ask for answers from her doctor.
"Had it really been all a lie?"
Silence filled the room for a few moments before Xiu Mei continued.
"I only had my courage and tenacity to live with, but is that what was really missing in my heart? Maybe I"ve just been living ignorantly and lying to myself that it was because of this and that when the truth was that I chose my decisions because it was the only choice that I could afford to take?"
"Princess, you did not."
A hand patted her head lightly making her raise her head to look at Dr. Lee. Her eyes were almost red, barely suppressing herself from crying.
"I"m saying this as your guardian and as a person who has known you for a long time. Resolve isn"t realized once in your lifetime, nor your courage for just a single thing. Your tenacity was what pushed you to live your life despite the setbacks you had, and it was what turned you into the present you right now. Maybe you just didn"t understand your own answer. That the answer you realized was because every time this fear kept being rubbed into your face, you were subconsciously running away from it. Your actions may have made you run away to save yourself physically, but your mind was left there alone to suffer."
Her memories were slightly hazy, but she could remember that her thoughts swirled around that she has to run away and hide. Because the memories from her first kidnapping when she was pushed and touched all over by strangers felt like snakes binding her. And that no matter how far she"d run, she could still feel that icky feeling of that disgusting touch, and along with that were the lifeless eyes of Ying Yue that were reflected in her eyes. How incapable and weak they are to push away those people at that time.
Xiu Mei gripped her blanket tightly as she continued to listen to Dr.Lee.
"You had a knot in your heart after getting traumatized when you were little. That knot, it wasn"t gonna go away even with all the medicines you take. It"s something that you yourself had to realize, untie and accept. It was the hidden knot that kept you from moving on because even if you thought that you had already accepted everything that happened, in your subconscious, you refuse to fight and step forward from that moment. The guilt and fear stopped you from taking that step, that"s why when it happened to you for the second time, your mind closed itself from everyone."
Zhu Lin… was she probably influenced because of him?
She held a grudge against him throughout these years, blaming him for getting caught and getting her bestfriend killed. Even if he wasn"t there at that time, he brought a part of the pain she suffered.
"But Princess, there"s a different part that you should focus on."
Dr.Lee pointed to her heart and continued, "That knot that hid in your heart? It"s gone. You"ve finally, truly taken that necessary step that you were missing. And now maybe, you can start looking forward and move on from the fear that embedded itself within you?"
He spoke in such complicated words yet Xiu Mei could clearly understand his message. The sadness in her heart slowly disappeared as she realized what he meant.
"You"ve already made it this far, and today is the day when you took another step forward. That means that you"ve done well, and soon, you"ll arrive at the finish line. And when that happens, you"ll find yourself free from pain and a new you."