"I"m better now."
"No, you"re not. We can just stay like this until you settle."
Carson turned his head and nuzzled the side of her face. Feeling calmed by the words she"d so rarely had to say to him.
After a bit she murmured, "Better?"
"I"m always better when you"re near."
"What can I do? You want me to unsaddle Sheridan and deal with the tack?"
"Nah. That"s the easy part. I got it."
"I"ll stick around and help you anyway."
"I"d like that."
After they"d dealt with his horse, they walked hand in hand back to the house in silence that wasn"t uncomfortable, just resigned.
In the kitchen, Carson watched her busying herself getting them coffee and a slice of strudel cake. Then she watched him a little too closely for signs of pain as he took his usual chair in the dining room.
"It"s your right hip, isn"t it?"
Carson nodded.
"How long has it been bothering you?"
"Since Christmas."
Carolyn c.o.c.ked her head as if she didn"t believe him.
"Okay. Since Thanksgiving."
"And you didn"t say anything because...?"
"At first I thought it might just be inflammation because I"d helped the boys more this fall than I"d done in a while. I figured it"d go away. When it didn"t, I remembered my dad had a harder time with his joints hurtin" in the winter. But now that it"s started warmin" up, it"s getting worse, not better." He stared into his coffee cup. "I f.u.c.kin" hate that the last time I tried to make love to you it hurt so G.o.dd.a.m.ned bad that I just wanted to get it over with."
She scooted closer, took his hand and curled it around her face. "Why did you hide that from me? We could"ve tried some way besides missionary-"
"It"s embarra.s.sing. Two things I"ve been good at-keepin" you satisfied in bed and ridin"-can"t do either of them anymore." He sighed with pure frustration. "I ain"t a young man, by any stretch. But Jesus, Caro. When did I get so d.a.m.n old? I hate this constant aches and pains s.h.i.t."
"I know. But it"s not going away. So can we go to the doctor and see what can be done?"
We. Always we. "Yeah."
The relief in her eyes shamed him; she"d been prepared for a fight. "I think-"
"No more thinkin". We"ll get it taken care of. Soon. But right now, I"m takin" care of you." He helped her to her feet and slapped her b.u.t.t hard enough she yelped. "Repulsive my a.s.s. You are still the s.e.xiest d.a.m.n thing I"ve ever laid eyes on." He"d kissed her in the slow, patient, teasing way that drove her crazy. Then he spread her out on the dining room table and kissed her the same way between her legs.
And it hadn"t hurt his hip at all.
"Daddy?"
Carson"s head whipped up. Lost in the memory, he"d forgotten about the cigarette smoldering between his fingers.
But of course Keely noticed it right away. "Since when have you smoked?"
He lifted the b.u.t.t to his lips, inhaled and slowly exhaled. "Since I was sixteen. It"s a stress thing, not a regular habit."
"Does Mom know?" She paused. "Of course she does. You two keep each other"s secrets."
Carson stared at his beautiful daughter. Sweet Jesus. She was doing a stellar zombie imitation. Dark circles hung under her eyes; her face was milky white. She wore no makeup; her hair looked like she"d stuck her head out the window zipping down the road at a hundred miles an hour. Even if Keely was only headed for the barn she took care with her appearance-a habit she"d learned from her mother. "Punkin, you look like h.e.l.l."
"So do you."
"Yeah, well. I"ve been livin" there the last seven G.o.dd.a.m.ned days." He sucked in another drag. Held the smoke in. Blew it out. "I ain"t in the mood for you to chew my a.s.s."
"Don"t do that."
"Do what? Smoke?"
"No. Don"t be a d.i.c.k. I know you"re hurtin", Daddy. I see it."
"You don"t know the half of it, girlie." He slid off the tailgate, hiding a wince when the impact with the ground sent a sharp pain from his heel to his hip. He dropped the cigarette on the blacktop before he ground it out with his boot heel.
"I do know how bad you"re hurtin", because I"ve seen the other half." Keely moved toward him, snaking her arms around his waist, burying her face on his chest, her shoulders heaving.
His response was automatic. Ingrained. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. His sweet baby. She"d always be his baby no matter how old she got.
"I"m sorry," she said through choked sobs.
And he"d forgive her no matter how bratty she acted. "I know you are."
Keely tilted her head back and met his gaze. In that moment she looked so much like her mother, his heart swelled even as it ached. "You deserved better from me. From all of us. I"ve never spoken for my brothers, and I ain"t about to start now. I"m sorry I thought my connection to her should mean more than yours. I know better. I saw it that day of your surgery and it freaked me the h.e.l.l out."
"That what you mean by you"ve seen the other half?"
She nodded. "You and Mom; you"re two halves of a whole. She knew. Right away. I told her to calm down, it was routine surgery, the orthopedic surgeon performed that procedure ten times a week and it was nothing to worry about."
In seventy-four years of life Carson had never been put under. As they"d wheeled him in to pre-op, Carolyn promised she"d be waiting for him on the other side. She had no idea how true that statement had been at the time.
"The minute you coded on the operating table, she stood up in the waiting room and said, "Come back to me. I"m right here. Where I"ve always been, where I"ll always be. I love you. Please. Come back to me.""
That jarred him; what did it mean that he"d been reciting those exact same words to Carolyn every time he"d left her side the last week?
That you are two halves of a whole.
Carolyn had never told him what she"d said to yank him back. He had a vague recollection of being in a black void and then a sensation of floating away. Not that he"d seen people or places or a bright light or anything that defined his idea of heaven. He"d just heard Carolyn"s voice, pleading with him, and he"d battled his way back to find her.
Then later-minutes, hours, he hadn"t been sure of the time elapse-he"d woken up in a hospital bed with his wife sitting beside him. One hand held his, her other hand rested on his heart. Carolyn"s tears sliced through him until he realized they were tears of joy.
She"d whispered, "I thought I"d lost you."
"Sugar-"
"I can"t... You died on that operating table, Carson. For two minutes you were gone. Gone. Away from me for good. Forever. You"re here and I"m so blessed." She stood and kissed every inch of his face. The softness of her lips and the sweep of her breath on his skin, the scent of her shampoo and the occasional teardrop were a potent mix of love and fear and grat.i.tude. So when her lips finally found his, when she looked in his eyes and said, "You are my life, Carson McKay, I"ll never survive a world without you in it," his own tears fell without shame.
"You"ve kept me grounded every moment of every day for the last fifty years. Only you could fight G.o.d and nature for me and win."
"Because I know you"d do the same for me."
And I have. Sweet Jesus I"d fight the devil himself to have you back with me, whole, because I"m half of nothing without you.
"Daddy?"
He blinked and realized he was outside, in a parking lot, with his daughter. What did it say that this flashback stuff no longer spooked him? Because he feared if Carolyn didn"t pull through that"s all he would have of her? And he"d rather be lost in memories of his life with her and their past than face the reality of a future without her?
Don"t think that way.
He refocused on Keely. "What, punkin?"
"I"m sorry for givin" you grief."
"You"ve been givin" me grief since the day you were born. But it ain"t all your fault. I tend to be overprotective of the women in my life."
"Gee, ya think?"
Her gaze was so open and sweet that he couldn"t help but reach out and stroke her cheek. "Smarty-pants."
"I knew from the time I was a little girl that you and Mom had the heart-body-and-soul kind of love everyone dreams of. As I grew up I knew I"d never settle for anything less."
"You didn"t."
"I know." Her chin dropped to her chest and her hair hid her face. "After all this s.h.i.t happened with Mom, Jack told me what you said to him on our wedding day. That a husband"s first priority is always his wife. Period. To love her, cherish her and protect her above all else. That you"d done that for your wife and you expected he"d do the same for me. Even if it went against what you and Mom wanted for me. The bond between parents and children was special. But a bond between husband and wife was sacred."
Keely looked up; those big blue eyes glistened with tears.
"Darlin" girl, I"m hangin" on by a thread here, and your tears do me in almost as quickly as your mother"s, so can we talk about something else?"
"Sure." She blew out a long breath. "But it might make you mad."
f.u.c.kin" fantastic. "What now?"
"We-all your kids-planned a huge surprise fiftieth wedding anniversary party for you and Mom next month. We rented out the Sundance community center, hired a band for the big dance. We came up with a killer menu with amazing food because we wanted to do something really special for Mom since she always makes such great meals for all of us."
"That she does."
"We compiled a list of two hundred of your closest family and friends to invite-" she grinned, "-plus we drafted an announcement to put in the paper the weekend before the party, opening the reception up to everyone in town. That"s when we planned to tell you so you wouldn"t have been caught totally off guard." Her eyes searched his. "Tell me the truth. Did you catch wind of any of this?"
"h.e.l.l no." He hated to burst her bubble, but a big d.a.m.n party was the last thing they wanted to celebrate this milestone in their lives.
"Now, everything has changed. Who knows how long it will take Mom to recover, so we"re cancelling it."
"It"s disappointing after you put in so much work, but it"s the right thing to do." He paused. "Tell you what, keep all them ideas and use "em for our sixtieth anniversary celebration."
She smiled. "Good plan. Now that"s out of the way, can we talk about the medical stuff?"
He nodded.
"When are the docs starting the coma reversal process?"
"I"m meetin" with them sometime today to hear their recommendation."
"You"ll keep in touch with me so I can pa.s.s on the information?" Keely nudged him. "It"d be easier if you learned to text."
"No, missy, I surely do not need to learn that. If I need to tell you something I"ll call ya."
"Stubborn."
"I have no idea what you"re talkin" about."
She laughed and leaned over to kiss his cheek.
Carson slammed the tailgate shut. "Should I prepare myself for visits from your brothers?"
Her smile vanished. "Like I said, I don"t speak for anyone besides myself. But they need to clear the air with you before you let them see Mom. Not as a stipulation for seeing her, but because they owe you an apology. And we both know Mom will pick up on any bad family vibes. She"ll need to concentrate on getting herself better, not worry that her sons have redefined jacka.s.s in dealing with you. I"ll tell them that if you"d like me to."
"Do what you have to, punkin. Your mom will want to see her sons regardless if they"ve been p.i.s.sed off at me or not."
"You"ll call? As soon as you know anything?"
"I promise. Give Pipsqueak and Katie-bug a hug from me. Same for JJ and LC." He was the only one who called Liam LC, but the boy was his namesake, so he was ent.i.tled.
"I will. Love you Daddy."
"Love you too, Keely girl."
His appet.i.te had disappeared so he skipped the cafeteria and stepped into the elevator. He needed to shower and change his clothes but he couldn"t get it done in the twenty minutes before he could visit Carolyn again.
He froze inside the ICU waiting room door, seeing Cord gazing out the window.
His son turned toward him. "This is a s.h.i.tty view."
"Most of the time when I"m staring out I don"t see nothin" anyway."
"Wish I coulda heard what you and Keely were talkin" about down there," Cord said.
Carson noticed Cord"s hands were jammed in his pockets. An indication of his oldest son"s nerves. "That wasn"t a bait and switch? Keely talks to me while you sneak up here?"