Walking out of the room was harder than he"d imagined. He needed a d.a.m.n cigarette. Instead, he cleaned himself up. Although it was almost one in the morning, he started making phone calls. He could"ve just called Keely or Kimi and had them pa.s.s on the news, but after the tension of the last week, his kids needed to hear directly from him. The fairest way to do it was by birth order. He promised he"d call as soon as the doctors cleared her for visitation.
At the fifty-nine minute mark, Carson returned to her room.
The nurse was ma.s.saging Carolyn"s calves. They"d changed her hospital gown. She was still on oxygen. She sipped from a mug and a tray with toast and Jell-O sat on her adjustable table.
She blinked at him, her face blank. Then something clicked and she offered him a soft smile. "You"re back."
"I told ya I"d be."
"Man of your word," she murmured.
"Always."
The nurse adjusted the blanket over Carolyn"s lower half. "If you need anything, please hit the call b.u.t.ton. But you should be aware that we"ll be coming in every thirty minutes to check on you."
"Thanks."
Then they were truly alone for the first time in a week.
Carson moved to the head of the bed. He framed Carolyn"s face in his hands. Before he said a word, he kissed her. Softly at first since he wasn"t sure if her mouth hurt from the ventilator tube. She tasted of toothpaste. She tasted like home.
She circled her hands around his wrists and held onto him.
More tears fell. His. Hers.
He kept the kiss easy and sweet. Then he rested his forehead to hers. "I love you. More than anything in this world."
"I know. I love you too."
"Thank you for comin" back to me." He kissed the corners of her mouth, tasting salty tears. "I was so G.o.dd.a.m.ned scared you wouldn"t." s.h.i.t. Should he have admitted that?
Carolyn pushed on his wrists so she could look into his eyes. "I heard you talking to me."
"You did?"
"Yes. Every time I heard your voice I surfaced from wherever my subconscious was. You talking about your memories of us kicked me into mine. But then..." Tears spilled out the corners of her eyes. "I wasn"t sure if any of it was real."
"Any of what?"
"Our life together. If I"d imagined it. If I"d somehow died and found a level of h.e.l.l where hearing your voice reminded me of what I wouldn"t have again. I"d be lost forever floating in nothingness."
He kissed her palm. "I"m here. This is real. We"re real. Been the real deal for fifty years."
"Thank G.o.d." She slumped back against the pillows. "Stay with me."
"Try and get me to leave."
After fifteen minutes of silence, it became apparent that not only was she highly uncomfortable, she was very agitated.
"Need something?" he asked casually.
"A different bed. This mattress is lumpy."
Nothing he could do about that.
"It"s cold in here. I can see my breath."
"You want another blanket?"
"No. I want them to turn on the heat."
The logical part of his brain answered, "It"s summer, heat isn"t an option." But the part of him that wanted to soothe her responded with, "Maybe they"ll bring you an electric blanket."
"Maybe they should just move me to a different room with a better bed, better ventilation and better food."
Carson leaned over and kissed her pouty mouth. "Have I told you how happy I am that you"re complaining about everything?"
"I"m not complaining about everything," she said crossly.
"As long as it ain"t me in your crosshairs, I don"t care."
"The night is young," she warned. "You could still end up there."
The doctors had mentioned she might be out of sorts for several days and the best way to deal with it wasn"t to ignore it. "Sugar. What"s goin" on with you?"
"Why didn"t you tell me that they"d sheared my head like a sheep"s b.u.t.t? I hate having half a head of hair. They should"ve shaved me bald." Her annoyance quickly morphed into tears. "I look hideous."
"No, you look beautiful and alive."
"I want it gone."
"What?"
More tears fell. "My hair. What"s left of it."
"You sure?"
She nodded.
"I thought you might. I already talked to India about comin" in and helping you-"
"Absolutely not, Carson. No one can see me like this. Do you understand? No one." She cried harder.
s.h.i.t. "You want me to get the nurse?"
"No. You"re the only one I trust to do it."
"Wait. You want me to trim your hair?"
"You used to give the boys haircuts." She closed her eyes again. "It"s mortifying that I"m so weak I can"t hold my head up."
"Good thing you"ve got me here to hold you up." He pushed the nurse"s call b.u.t.ton.
Nurse Lissa hustled into the room. "You rang?"
"Can you find a set of hair clippers? She"d like me to fix the chop job."
"I"m not sure what protocol is on that, so I"ll check and get back to you."
"They"ll say no," Carolyn said in a voice devoid of hope after the nurse left the room.
"You don"t know that."
"Don"t yell at me."
"I"m not." He counted to ten. "Why would I yell at you?"
"Because I"m acting crazy."
He chuckled. "Sugar, I survived six pregnancies with you. I remember them crazy times very well. So open them pretty blue eyes and gaze at me adoringly like you"re p.r.o.ne to. That"s how I"ll know for sure you"re you."
That earned him her first smile. "c.o.c.ky cowboy."
Nurse Lissa returned with an orderly pushing a wheelchair. "You"re cleared to do this with my supervision but we can"t do it in here. Brian and I will get you in the wheelchair."
Carson hung back.
They wheeled her into a small lab-looking room. After replacing the dressing on the back of her head, Nurse Lissa fastened a hair salon style cape around Carolyn"s shoulders.
"Sugar, you sure this is what you want?"
"Positive."
He adjusted the guard on the clippers. "Ready?"
"Just do it."
He hoped she hadn"t noticed how bad his hands shook as he gave her a buzz cut. He really hoped she hadn"t seen his tears rolling down his cheeks as chunks of her beautiful blonde hair hit the floor. "There. Take a look."
She squinted in the hand mirror. "Mona at "Hair It Is" doesn"t need to worry that I"ve found a new stylist, but it looks better." Her fearful eyes met his. "Doesn"t it?"
"You always look beautiful to me, Caro. You know that."
"But..."
"No buts."
"The kids-"
"Will be happy to see you. None of us loves you for your hair."
That and a few kisses quelled her tears and her fears.
Back in the room, Carolyn became subdued. Her voice sounded scratchy and he suspected it might be hurting her to talk after having a tube shoved down her throat for a week.
"What else is botherin" you?"
"My head hurts."
"Want me to get the nurse to give you some pain meds?"
She shook her head and winced. Then she closed her eyes. Two big tears rolled down her cheeks.
It would"ve hurt less if she"d punched him in the chest. Gently, he curled his hands around her face. "Caro. You"re killin" me. How long"s your head been hurtin"?"
"A while."
"You need to take something for the pain."
Another shake of her head. Another wince.
"Why in the h.e.l.l..." He remembered the docs had said she might act unreasonable and he had to be the reasonable one. "It"ll help you feel better."
"It"ll knock me out. Then what if I go back to sleep and this time I don"t wake up? I can"t take that chance. Ever. I"ll live with the pain."
He felt so G.o.dd.a.m.ned helpless. This was another thing the doctors had warned him about: paranoia the coma would come back even when it was d.a.m.n near medically impossible. He pressed his lips to her forehead. Then he kissed away her tears. "Sugar, look at me."
She opened her eyes.
"I"ll ask if they can give you something that"ll dull the pain but won"t put you out. Okay?"
Her gaze searched his. "Promise me you won"t trick me about this?"
"I promise. If they can"t guarantee it won"t put you under then I won"t let you take it."
"Okay."
He brushed his lips over hers. "Be right back."
Five minutes later he trailed into the room behind Lissa. She piggy-backed a clear packet of liquid onto her IV. "This will help."
"Good. She needs it." Carson lowered the bedrail so he could move in closer. He stroked her head. Something about that stubble...he couldn"t stop touching it. He couldn"t stop touching her.
"That feels nice."
"Anything else I can do?"
"Since I"m pretty sure the meds will knock me out even when they swore they don"t, I want your promise that you"ll sleep with me."