"So never."
He glared at her. Then he said, "What do you care? You"re over at your folks" place every d.a.m.n day. I"m surprised you even noticed I wasn"t here."
"I"m gone during the day but I"m here at night. Every night. But you head out to the bar before I get back." She tried to contain her anger. "Do you do that on purpose? Because it"s such a ch.o.r.e to hang out with me and you"d rather be with your bar buddies than your wife? If you wanted to lead the partying and fighting lifestyle, why did you marry me?"
Another hard glare.
"What do you think people are saying, with you being out at the bars alone?"
"I don"t give a d.a.m.n what other people think."
"That"s apparent because everyone thinks we"re on the verge of divorce." She swallowed her rising tears. "How long before you find some woman...or have you already-"
"G.o.ddammit, Carolyn, don"t you go there. I made a vow to you and by G.o.d, I"m gonna keep it."
"Why? We never should"ve gotten married because we"re both miserable." She shook her head. "I can"t do this anymore."
In an instant Carson"s hands were around her biceps and he loomed over her. "Don"t you even think about walkin" out on me."
"But-"
"No, you will talk to me before you take a single step toward that door." He closed his eyes for several long seconds. "Please. Tell me what in the h.e.l.l is goin" on with you. I hear you cryin" in the night, Caro, and it rips me in two. I hate that I"m the cause of them tears."
"You"re not the sole reason for my tears, Carson." She took a deep breath and asked G.o.d to forgive her for breaking a promise. "I"ve been keeping something from you."
"What?"
"The reason I"m spending so much time with my mom..." Her voice broke. "...is because she"s d-dying."
All the anger bled from his eyes. "What?"
"She"s been going downhill for months. I found out late last summer she had about a year to live."
"Last summer?" he bellowed. "Why am I only hearing about this now?"
"Because that"s how she wants it." She closed her eyes. "Thomas told me right before he left for Denver. My dad made me promise I wouldn"t tell anyone. Not my brothers, not Kimi, not my Aunt Hulda." She looked at Carson. "Not even you."
"How bad is it?"
"The arthritis has gotten into her lungs." She blew out a breath. "She can"t go into a nursing home for a number of reasons."
"So that left you, Carolyn the dutiful daughter, to see to your mother"s needs as she"s dyin". And that lets your father off the hook to care for his wife on her deathbed. He can just skip off to work, knowin" you"re shouldering the burden. And you"re keeping her secret from your siblings, which means they ain"t lifted a single finger to help you care for her, have they."
The way he phrased it didn"t make her sound n.o.ble, but like a chump. A doormat.
"So you"ve taken this whole weight on yourself for the past few months."
She nodded.
Carson started to pace. "In the fall I knew you were busy clearing out the gardens and canning, and I had to deal with sortin" and shippin" cattle. But after the first snowfall you kept goin" over to your mom"s and I thought..."
"What?"
"That you regretted marryin" me so quickly. So I took to feelin" sorry for myself. Thinkin" booze would numb the pain. And if that didn"t work, I used my fists."
"Carson. You"re the best thing that"s ever happened to me. What I meant when I said I couldn"t do this? I"m scared I"m losing you. You deserve so much more than the little you"ve been getting from me. Things are slipping out of my control and everything is falling apart and it"s too late..."
That"s when she started to cry. For the secrets, for the misunderstandings, for the lies they told themselves and each other. For the realization she"d fallen into the pattern of her parents" marriage: no communication, keeping her mouth shut and not causing any strife. Turning away from her husband instead of relying on him. Half-wondering if her father had manipulated her, knowing that keeping such a big secret would cause problems with her new husband.
"Please let me be what holds you together." Carson crushed her against him. "It"s not too late-never too late for us. We"ll get through this together, like we should"ve from the start."
"I love you," she whispered against his throat. "So much."
"I love you too, sugar."
"Promise that we"ll never let things get this far out of hand again."
"That"s a promise I can make." He rested his forehead to hers. "With all this family stuff between us, you caretaking your mom and me workin" with my dad and brothers day in and day out...we have to learn to put us first. I"ll do that from here on out. Like your father should be doin" with your mother. So I hope you understand that I can"t forgive your family for this, Caro. Don"t even ask me to try."
"Carson. They don"t know what"s going on with Mom."
"The h.e.l.l they don"t. Don"t tell me Eli hasn"t blabbed to Harland and Darren about their mother"s condition. Don"t tell me they haven"t been sitting back like they always have and letting you carry the load."
"What do you want me to do? She"s dying. This isn"t a time for me to be petty."
"No, it"s not, but it"s time for your father to face up to the reality of his wife"s situation. You are not a nurse. What if something happens when you"re with her and you don"t know how to handle it?"
Last week her mom had had a coughing fit that left her too weak to speak. She worried even if she called for an ambulance that it wouldn"t have gotten there in time.
"I won"t have you livin" with that guilt for the rest of your life-of our life."
More tears fell because she knew Carson was right.
"Clara needs to be in a place with qualified professionals." Carson framed her face in his hands. "The woman sent you away when you were a kid so you didn"t end up doin" this for her. I can"t imagine she wants this for you now."
"She sleeps a lot. Sometimes I don"t know if she"s aware I"m even there."
"Then it"s definitely past time."
She touched the puffy skin beneath his eye. And the knuckle-shaped bruises on his jawline. His mouth had escaped punishment this time and she stood on tiptoe to kiss him. "Thank you."
"We"ll get through this."
"I believe that now."
"Sweet Jesus, woman, I"ve missed you. Missed everything about you. About us."
"Show me."
Then Carson led her to their bedroom.
Their reunion, emotional and physical, was beauty and pa.s.sion and sweetness. It was love. It was a promise.
It was perfect.
And in the months that followed their reaffirmation of prioritizing their life together, and three months shy of their second anniversary, they created a new life.
Before Carolyn saw the image of her holding sweet baby Cord, everything went black and she was sucked back into darkness.
Chapter Nineteen.
Hospital, Day 2-late afternoon One thing about staring out the window? Carson saw some sweet moments.
Like the young man who helped his extremely pregnant wife out of the car. Then they both disappeared into the main hospital entrance. But the guy had left the car parked half on the curb, with both doors open and the engine running.
Carson remembered being that fl.u.s.tered when Carolyn had gone into labor with Cord. Both the terror and the thrill of it as she"d struggled for nineteen hours to bring him into the world. And the instant Carson had held that helpless baby-his son-in his hands, his whole world had changed.
He"d celebrated Cord"s birth with his Dad, with his brothers, with anyone, really, who offered to buy him a celebratory drink.
It"d shocked the h.e.l.l out of him when Eli West showed up at the hospital to meet his grandson.
Too bad Eli and Jed crossed paths in the waiting room afterward. Rather than taking the opportunity to bury the hatchet, the men had argued so loudly security tossed them out.
So much for Cord being the healing bridge between the McKay and West families. It"d taken a tragic death to do that years later when a new life should have.
"Carson?"
He"d been so lost in thought, he hadn"t heard anyone approach. He faced his daughter-in-law, Macie. "Hey, darlin", what"re you doin" here?"
"Checking up on you." She set a brown paper bag on the chair. "Feeding you since I suspect you"re living on Dr. Pepper."
"It keeps me awake and satisfies my sweet tooth."
"Like father like son. Carter can"t get enough of the stuff either. And before you ask, Carter isn"t here. He went home for a few days since..."
"Since I won"t let him see his mother."
Macie shook her head. "He supports your decision. I don"t know if you remembered him telling you that during the big blow-up."
"I remember. I just wasn"t sure whether he"d changed his mind and had thrown in with the others."
"No. He"s working on a big commissioned piece that"s due the end of the month and he can block everything out when he"s got the welder going." She smiled, but it didn"t warm her brown eyes like usual. "Though I doubt it"ll be easy for him to keep his head from spinning this time. He"s freaked out about this situation with Carolyn."
"Everyone is."
"How are you holding up? Really."
Carson plunked down and she settled into the chair beside him. He didn"t know Macie as well as his other daughters-in-law since she and Carter lived in Canyon River. What he knew of her he liked; she was pa.s.sionately protective of Carter and had supported them financially through the lean years of Carter"s career as an artist. Now that his son had made a name for himself in the world of western art, as well as earned hefty commissions on his pieces that provided a high standard of living for Macie and their four children, Macie could"ve quit her job managing two restaurants. But she claimed she enjoyed the work and messing around in the kitchen-and that att.i.tude reminded him of Carolyn. His wife still tried new recipes for him as well as cooked meals for shut-in members of the church, new parents, grieving families-anyone in the community in need.
"Carson?"
His gaze connected with hers. "Sorry. I"m p.r.o.ne to driftin" off into a trance-like state without warnin", which tells you how I"m holdin" up. Poorly."
"What can I do?"
"Tell me about my grandkids."
"They"re all healthy, so I"m not dragging some kid crud along with me."
"Is Thane helpin" out his Grandpa Cash with the bull ridin" school this summer?"
"As much as my dad will let him and Ryder help out. Sometimes Thane comes to the restaurant with me. He thinks loading the industrial dishwasher is big fun."
"Caro"s trained me to do that. "Bout the only thing I can do in the kitchen besides make a mess. What"s Parker up to?"
"The kid loves baseball. I swear we could spend every weekend at the ball fields and he already practices three times a week."
"Me"n Gran-gran had planned to visit in a couple of weeks to watch him pitch. Has Spencer been bitten by the baseball bug this summer too?"
"He"s all about the rodeo. He keeps warning us he"s gonna be a bulldogger." She mock shuddered. "The thought of my child throwing himself off a horse onto another animal at breakneck speed almost makes me break out in hives."
Carson smiled. "Carolyn used to say the same thing. I"m pretty sure she closes her eyes when her grandsons do it. What"s my sweet little Poppy seed been up to?"
"Rescuing critters. She found motherless kitties and a nest of baby mice last week. She put them all in the same box in the barn so they wouldn"t be lonely. It"ll be interesting to see if the mice become catnip. Carter wanted to tell her trying to make them one family wasn"t a good idea, but I said to let her be. If anyone could get kittens and mice to coexist it"d be our daughter."
"Sounds like the kids are all good. They to the fightin" stage yet? I remember it drove Carolyn crazy in the summer when the boys were together all time and they"d start fightin" constantly."
"That hasn"t happened. But sometimes I feel our kids aren"t as close as they should be. I hear all these fun stories about Carter"s growing up years and wonder if our kids will have those kinds of memories."
"I think the memories always seem better in hindsight. I know some of the stuff they reminisce about wasn"t the great time they make it out to be."
"As an only child I don"t have anything to compare it to. So I"m like, go outside and build a tree fort together! Make some memories! They just look at me like I"m crazy and ask if they can play video games."
"It"s a different world. Makes me an old timer to say that, but it"s true. And you can"t force your kids to like each other. You hope they do, but there"s gonna be times they can"t stand the sight of one another. If you"re lucky they"ll outgrow it. Sometimes we don"t."
Macie"s gaze turned shrewd. "You"re talking about you and Casper."
He shrugged. "I won"t lie. None of us particularly liked him, even from the time we were kids." Carson looked down at his hands. He"d automatically clenched them into fists thinking about his brother. After Charlie had told him and Cal about the physical abuse Casper had inflicted on Dalton as a boy, he"d wished he could dig up that b.a.s.t.a.r.d so he could beat the f.u.c.k out of him one last time. He"d never hated anyone as much as he hated his brother in that moment. That old rage surfaced, tempting him to go looking for a fight. But he was pretty sure no one would take on a seventy-four-year-old man unless he cased the local retirement center.
"I"m glad that Casper"s sons have overcome brother-hating issues." She patted his arm. "I"m really glad that none of your sons feel that way about each other either."