Why seeing that lone coffee cup hit him like a mule kick in the gut, he had no idea. Why he placed his lips over that lipstick mark, hoping for a taste of her when he downed her three-day old coffee, made no sense either, but he found himself doing it anyway.
The coffee was the bitterest he"d ever tasted.
Old fool. Acting like she"s already gone. Instead of lamenting the fact she ain"t here, why don"t you do something useful and clean up her s.p.a.ce so she don"t have a conniption fit when she does come home?
Carson rolled up his sleeves, needing to touch the things she"d last touched, and got to work.
Chapter Twenty-Two.
Hospital, Day 3-early evening After he"d taken a hot shower in his own bathroom, donned fresh clothes and packed for himself and Carolyn, Carson returned to the hospital.
Still, he felt guilty for his three-hour absence and the fifteen minutes he"d missed spending with his wife.
Had she noticed?
Don"t be ridiculous.
But he vowed the next time he left the hospital to go home he"d be taking Carolyn with him.
Day dragged into early evening. Each visit to Carolyn"s room brought up another memory. The last two hours he"d talked about Cam, how his normal birth weight didn"t indicate the kid would be such a bruiser. Even at age two he"d been freakishly strong but surprisingly gentle. Especially with Carter.
There were only a little over two years between the last two boys. Five kids kept both of them busy. But their older sons, being typical boys, could care less about a new baby. Yet Cam had been fascinated by Carter and showed zero sibling jealousy. He loved his baby brother. Loved him so much he wanted to take Carter everywhere.
Carson would never forget the day he"d come inside and found Cord watching Petticoat Junction with Colby and Colt and not keeping an eye on his two youngest brothers while Carolyn took a shower. He"d scaled the stairs to see Cam giving four-month-old Carter a ride; he"d wrapped Carter up like a burrito and raced up and down the hallway, dragging the baby behind him.
His wife might"ve fainted on the spot if she"d seen it, even when Carter was perfectly fine, cooing happily. So Carson hadn"t told her about that incident. Or the time when Cam and Colt were playing jungle in the playroom. They"d rigged several sheets between the curtain rods and two light fixtures on the ceiling to create a hammock for Carter. A hammock on a pulley system that lifted two-year-old Carter almost to the ceiling, near the exposed light bulbs and next to the open window.
That might"ve been the day he"d found his first gray hair. Even looking back now, he wasn"t sure how his sons had managed to do that.
Right as he"d started to drift into the memory of Colby shooting out four windows from inside the house, he heard a loud voice bouncing off the walls down by the nurse"s stand.
"Seriously? I"ve fixed lots of those over the years. Usually a flower is easiest because the lettering you want covered up can be incorporated into a vine or a stem." A pause. "Absolutely. Here"s my card. Call me and we"ll set up a consult."
Carson remained in his chair, knowing if he stood up he"d probably collide with his daughter-in-law India. How she sat for hours inking tattoos baffled him because when she wasn"t working, she hustled around as if she was afraid she"d get arrested for loitering if she stopped moving.
Just then she barreled into the waiting room. A tank-top showed off both sleeves of her tattoos. Her short hair was subdued-subdued for her. Not streaked with vibrant blue, neon green or shocking orange, but the shiny burgundy color of wine.
She marched right up to him, her round-toed combat boots b.u.mping into his cowboy boots. "Give me a hug, grumpy old man. I"m sure we both need one."
He flat-out adored Colt"s wife. Outspoken and in your face, India"s take me as I am or get the f.u.c.k away from me att.i.tude charmed him, mostly because they were cut from the same cloth. In Carson"s opinion, India Ellison was the greatest thing that had ever happened to his son.
"Nice hair," he said after she released him from a tight hug.
"Wouldn"t want to get boring in my old age as a mother of three. Although my hair should be bright red and I should have horns growing out of my scalp since I"ve given birth to h.e.l.lions." Her piercing eyes sought his. "Carson, can I just say this situation f.u.c.king sucks all around?"
"Yeah, darlin", you can."
"Any change?"
He shook his head.
"I don"t have to ask how you"re holding up because I can see it in your eyes, old man. Have you been sleeping at all?"
"Some. In the middle of the night they let me piggyback the time I spend with her, so I get ten minutes and I sleep for two hours instead of one."
"Big of them." Scowling, she gestured to the empty bottles of Dr. Pepper scattered around. "Dude. Pick that s.h.i.t up. If I would"ve wanted to talk to you in a mess, I would"ve invited you over to our place."
Such a little ball-buster.
"I"m grabbing us each a soda. I need some d.a.m.n caffeine."
Carson tossed the trash and settled in the corner seat.
India returned with two bottles of Dr. Pepper, and four candy bars. She tossed the b.u.t.terfinger, the Snickers and the Salted Nut Roll in his lap, keeping the Twix for herself. "How about we call that my version of baking cookies since you know I"m a sucky cook."
He smiled. "Works for me."
They didn"t speak until they"d polished off a candy bar each.
She flopped back in her chair and jammed a hand through her hair. "So your kids are being d.i.c.kheads, huh?"
"I get why they"re p.i.s.sed off but it ain"t gonna make me change my mind."
"Hudson, Ellison and McKenna are all healthy little pigs. Colt told me to make sure to tell you that I wasn"t carrying germs to you."
"I appreciate it. How is Colt?"
"Worried sick about his mother. And you. He"s cut himself off from his brothers and Keely. I take that back-he talks to Carter because they"re the only ones who aren"t a.s.sholes."
"Tell Colt I appreciate it."
"The reason he hasn"t come by isn"t because he"s following Cord"s stupid edict of "all of us or none of us" but because he"s hurting, Carson. He"s hurting real bad. He"s always seen you and Carolyn as invincible. This is the second time in the last four months that he"s had to face that you"re not. He... Never mind."
Something else was going on that caused Indy such distress. Carson set his uneaten candy aside and leaned forward. "Tell me what"s worryin" you."
"It"s been a very long time since I"ve seen Colt this close to...wanting to take a drink."
His stomach dropped. "Has he touched the stuff?"
India looked him in the eye. "No. He"s talking to me, which is good. He"s going to AA meetings every day and talking to his sponsor, which is even better."
"I am so f.u.c.kin" relieved to hear that."
"I know. Most people probably wouldn"t have dumped that extra worry on you when there"s so much weighing on your mind right now, but I"m not one to pretend stuff is sparkly f.u.c.king rainbows when it isn"t."
"Which is one of my favorite things about you, Indy darlin". So how is Colton coping if he ain"t hitting the bottle?"
"He"d like to beat the f.u.c.k outta someone. Kane even offered to mix it up with him, but wisely Colt declined. So he"s chopping wood. Lots and lots of wood." She smirked. "And that gets him a better coping mechanism because seeing that s.e.xy man with his shirt off, muscles dripping sweat, does it for me every d.a.m.n time." She laughed. "TMI, I"m sure."
"Funny thing? Carolyn used to say the same thing about me." He grinned. "TMI, I"m sure."
"Touche, old man."
"Now tell me about my grandkids."
India groaned. "Pigs in clothing, that"s what the three of them are. I should start calling them the three little devil pigs. I do not understand how they can make such a huge freakin" mess in such a short amount of time. I about fell on my a.s.s this morning because they"d left markers all over the floor. I stepped on a huge ball of paste they"d just dropped on the carpet. Then I looked around and thought, where the h.e.l.l was I when the bomb dropped? My house is destroyed. As easy as it"d be to say the place becomes a pigsty when Colt is home with them, that"s not even close to the truth. The kids aren"t ever left unattended and we"re both at our wit"s end on how to deal with it."
"If I had a nickel for every time Caro said the same thing to me? I could"ve hired a maid for her a long d.a.m.n time ago." Carson cracked open his soda. "Darlin", no offense, but Hudson is old enough to know better. He"s the ringleader, ain"t he?"
"Yep."
"Over the years the kids were growin" up, I came home a coupla times and found my lovely, calm wife threatening to buy herself a bullwhip to use on her sons."
"Did Carolyn spank them?"
"Neither of us did unless the kid did something life threatening, but that was only when they were little. Spanking never had any effect." He chuckled. "One time when Cord was probably nine or so, he decided to build a mud wra.s.slin" pit out past the barn in a shallow spot where water collected. Evidently he and Colby and Colt were havin" a big old time out there, mucking around like pigs in..." He paused. "Anyway, they came strolling up to the house, near dark, clothes covered in mud, acting like it was no big deal. Carolyn was very pregnant with Carter at the time, and Cam was two. She"d hit the end of her rope. She lined them up on the sidewalk and sprayed them down with the hose. And by that time of day it"d started to get cold."
"Go on, I"m taking notes."
"After she"d hosed them down, she made them strip to their underwear and sprayed them down again, warning them to stay outside until they dried off, because if she found even one speck of mud anywhere in her house, she"d drag them back outside by their ears and spray them again-but they"d be buck-a.s.sed nekkid."
India grinned. "She find any mud?"
"Nope. What I"m tryin" to say is she had patience with the fact they were messy boys-up to a point. She knew we"d be pickin" up after them, that goes along with havin" kids. But if the messes were extreme or frequent, the kids had consequences. Sounds to me like a little hosing down might do your h.e.l.lions some good-figuratively speakin", of course."
"You"re right. I"ll mention the mud pit wrestling incident to spark Colt"s memory."
Carson asked about India"s Ink-her tattoo shop-and they chatted for another ten minutes or so. But as always, Carson kept an eye on the clock as his time with Carolyn crept near.
"I probably better go home and check if the boys roped and tied up the dining room chairs with the vacuum cleaner cord again. Or if McKenna tried to flush something else down the toilet since her attempt at flushing her blanket failed last week." She threw up her hands. "What is girls" obsession with that? I remember Eliza doing the same d.a.m.n thing."
"No matter what anyone tells you? Girls ain"t easier than boys."
India reached in her purse. "I did bring something for you. It might be a little stupid and corny, so don"t laugh, okay?"
"Never, darlin"."
She handed over a small cloth envelope. "It"s a sachet I made using Carolyn"s favorite scent from Sky Blue. I thought you could...I don"t know, put it in your pillow out here or something. Maybe if it smells like her you"ll sleep better."
Carson was too choked up to say anything when the sweet scent of his wife filled his lungs.
"Sorry, stupid idea, I"ll just go now."
He clamped his hand on India"s knee. "You are just a sentimental little angel under all them devil tattoos, ain"t ya?" He looked up at her and didn"t bother hiding the moisture in his eyes. "It"s perfect, Indy. Thank you."
"You"re welcome." She squeezed his hand. "I do ask that you don"t ever show it to Carolyn, master seamstress, because my sewing skills leave a lot to be desired."
"You got it." He kept hold of her hand, not knowing how to even ask her what he needed to.
"Carson? What is it?"
He sucked in a big breath and slowly let it out. "They shaved Carolyn"s head, all the way to the top of her scalp except for the very front. She"ll need a scarf or something to hide it when she comes out of the coma because she won"t want anyone to see her like that. I went home today and just grabbed a bunch of stuff, not knowin" what I should bring her. Since you"re good with hair and accessories stuff, I know she"d trust you to help her, and not fall into a blubbering wreck like Kimi and Keely would if I asked them."
"I"d be honored to help her." She firmed her quivering chin. "Bet she never thought she"d be so tight with a foul-mouthed tattoo artist after that first time she called me out on not being the appropriate woman for her precious son."
"Don"t kid yourself for a second she didn"t love how fast you rallied to Colton"s defense and b.i.t.c.h-slapped her down to reality-her words, not mine."
"I"m just glad you both see Colt as the amazing man he is now, and not the f.u.c.k up he"d been. It means a lot to both of us." India pushed to her feet. "Take care of yourself, old man. Give our love to your better half. And for G.o.d"s sake, eat something more than just candy bars for supper, will ya?"
"No promises."
Carson dusted the Snickers and used the facilities. By the time he returned to the waiting room, the nurse was ready for him.
Inside the room, he parked the rolling stool next to Carolyn"s bed, placing one gloved hand on her forearm and covering her hand with his other.
"Hey, sugar. I"m sittin" here beside you. I know you can hear me. I need you to hear me. Come back to me. I need you to know that I"m right here, I ain"t goin" anywhere."
He launched right into his one-sided conversation. "It"s your lucky day. India stopped in. She was goin" on and on about the new tattoo she designed for you. A gigantic bear, its jaws open and dripping saliva. She thought the image appropriate since you"ve always been a scary mother bear when it comes to your cubs-no matter how old they get. We were thinkin" she could ink it above your McKay brand. That way you"d have a tat above and below your belly b.u.t.ton. And you know how much I love tracin" that tattoo with my tongue."
Sometimes he still couldn"t believe his wife had gotten herself tattooed, between her hipbones right above her mound.
He laughed. "Okay, sugar, that was a total lie. Indy sends her love, as does Colt. I think she showed up because she needed someone to complain to about her kids bein" pigs. Devil pigs in clothing, was how she phrased it. I know you felt that way a time or twenty when the boys were growin" up. I told her about the time you hosed the boys down..."
As soon as Carolyn heard Carson"s voice she stayed still, soaking up every syllable. It seemed as if she hadn"t heard from him in days, but she knew it might"ve only been hours since she existed in the void of nothingness. The doors to her memories were no longer visible and randomly accessible. That scared her. Those memories were her only hope of staying tethered to the life she had and the world she needed to return to. Now the only time she could access those memories was when Carson spoke of the past.
She remembered the mud hole incident, but that wasn"t the memory that popped up first...
Boys.
Why did she have to give birth to all boys?
Five rough and tumble McKay boys.
Why couldn"t she have had a sweet daughter? An angel who didn"t have an aversion to baths, who wouldn"t wrestle in the living room, who wouldn"t constantly shove food in her mouth and five minutes later go looking for more? A little doll she could clothe in frilly dresses and darling hair ribbons. A quiet child.
But this is what she got.
Five destructive boys.
Who had wreaked utter havoc in the house in just four hours.