Blossoming.
Pa.s.sionate.
Intense.
Only on E, it was more.
It was like opening myself up as wide as I could go, inviting him inside.
He crawled right in, filled me with love so close to perfect, I asked him to pick me up, carry me off into his bed.
He did.
Chase Wagner, the most beautiful man in the whole wide world (despite what the rest of the world could see), showed me exactly how making love should be.
I Was Aglow
at the first knock.
Soon the house filled with friends, with acquaintances, with complete strangers.
I wanted to get to know each and every one.
I wanted them all to know everything about me: my intellect, my beauty, my righteousness.
Maybe you have to have been there (or to a rave) to relate.
I had accessed my innermost recesses. I needed to explore, to expand, to excavate.
The most incredible place I"d ever been was right inside of me.
If I left, I might never find it again, and so I refused to sink down, to close the door, to rebuild the wall.
When someone offered a second dose of birthday E, I said, "Absolutely."
And when someone broke out the crank, I was ready to snort up, to smoke up, to shoot up.
I should have been scared to death.
But ecstasy dissolves all fear.
Unforgettable Birthdays
aren"t easy to come by.
Do you remember your 4th? Your 12th?
To my 90th birthday, I will never forget my 17th.
If you do remember them, why?
It was a day of firsts: giving myself willingly to ecstasy.
To a man. A needle.
Presents? Surprises?
Firsts?
It didn"t hurt, not at all.
The sting was rather pleasant, like excising an ingrown toenail.
Or did pain define those memorable days?
Now take the rush of snorting, multiply by 100, you get smoking.
To find mainlining, you approach infinity.
Have you ever once in your life reached out to touch infinity?
Elevation
Oh, but a whole lot more. They say people who die from ecstasy die from overheating.
Adding speed to the mix accelerates the process because it makes you want to dance until the sun comes up.
The music made me dance. It entered my brain, firing spark plugs and pistons. It revved me to my feet.
The crank was jet fuel, pumping through my veins, propulsion.
I shifted into overdrive, motor heating steadily.
I danced with guys, I danced with girls, hotter, closer, melting together like candles in a south-facing window.
Our dance was primitive, beautiful, waves at high tide.
Our dance was sensual, s.e.xual, and yet somehow innocent.
Spent calories...o...b..ted, raising temperatures. Some drank alcohol.
The wise drank water. It tasted as good as champagne.
And then somehow the subject of my birthday came up.
Word spread and the mood elevated beyond celebratory.
Gifted with kisses. Tender. Probing. Inviting. Feminine. Masculine.
One emptying into the next, eddies in the swollen river.
I kept my eyes closed, absorbing sensation until it screamed for release. So the part that came next seemed very right.
I Don"t Know
whose blade it was, whose idea it was.
I don"t remember saying yes.
I know I didn"t say no.
The knife was sharp.
One knick at my wrist.
It didn"t even hurt.
It didn"t seem wrong.
Rust in my mouth.
Rich red salt.
I drank it down, asked for more.
Offered my own to those who would partake.
Fever. Fire. I was on fire.
Time hesitated.
Solid earth gave way.
Strong arms caught me, carried me into the cool of outside.
A familiar mouth found mine.
I looked into Chase"s eyes, found emotions in turmoil.
Fear. Need. Concern. l.u.s.t.
And then he said the words we were both afraid to hear.
I love you, Kristina.
I Was Cinderella
and Chase was my unlikely Prince Charming.
(Hey, I"d graduated from knights to princes, even if they were unlikely.) Suddenly I was very sure.
"I love you, too, Chase."
For real?
I reached up and kissed him and it was very, very real, despite the quite surreal juxtaposition of colors in the night sky.
You take my breath away.