Meghann brought the food to the bed, and Jimmy, blood l.u.s.t sated, began shoveling it into his mouth.
"No!" Meghann took his right hand and wrapped it around a plastic fork.
Then, still holding his hand in hers, she speared a few beans with the fork and brought the food to Jimmy"s mouth.
Six times she repeated the motion of fork to mouth before Jimmy caught on and made a clumsy effort to use the utensil.
"Good!" Meghann praised and this time her smile was genuine. For two weeks, she"d been trying to reintroduce Jimmy to silverware and this was the first time she"d made any progress.
While he ate, Meghann began his therapy. She went over to the CD player and put on So Alone by Johnny Thunders, their favorite singer.
"Do you remember our first date when you played this alb.u.m for me?" she asked Jimmy brightly. Meghann believed that the key to reaching Jimmy lay in stimulation of his senses, in making him want to think again. That"s why she"d brought over all his favorite clothes and CDs; she was sure he"d recover if objects he was familiar with surrounded him. Also, since she was certain fear would keep him locked in his catatonia forever, she never once spoke to him of Lord Baldevar or what he"d gone through. Instead, she kept up a steady stream of light chatter, as though she expected that at any moment Jimmy would join in the conversation. On previous nights, she"d discussed music he liked or read to him from his favorite books.
Now she was bringing up the happiest times they"d had together, as much for herself as for him. She had no desire to dwell on the present or even worse, what the future might hold.
While Johnny belted out his version of "Great Big Kiss," Meghann sat down next to Jimmy, pulling his unresisting head onto her shoulder. "Look," she said and pointed to the pictures she"d brought with her. "Remember you were so excited about going to New Orleans because you got to see St. Peter House the hotel where Johnny Thunders OD"d or got killed, depending on who you believe?
"From the handsome facade outside, you"d never know the hotel was little more than a flophouse, would you? That"s such a great shot you took, Jimmy the way the sunlight reflects off the wrought-iron balcony. You have such a gift for photography," Meghann complimented, looking at one photo of herself and Charles.
Traditionally, vampires couldn"t be captured on film; they tended to show up as blurry, ethereal images. But Jimmy had patiently superimposed two negatives together, then done a little airbrushing to present Meghann with a photo of her and Charles, arm in arm beside the crumbling tomb of voodoo queen Marie Laveau. It was the first time Meghann had a clear image of herself since she"d been transformed. She grinned at the photo a young girl with long red hair covered in green, black, and gold beads from the Mardi Gras celebrations and her dark- haired friend smiling into the camera. Meghann smiled even more at the next picture the one that Jimmy had set the time delay on his Nikon for so he could rush over and kiss her before the flash clicked.
"Do you remember the legend I told you that if you leave something by her tomb, she grants your wish?" Meghann"s throat closed as she realized what she"d wish for right now. More than anything, she wanted to see awareness flash in Jimmy"s eyes. She couldn"t stand that d.a.m.ned vacant stare, the way he looked through her.
Patience, Meghann told herself. It"s only been two weeks. She got off the bed and scrutinized Jimmy, forcing herself to look at him objectively, see if there was any improvement in his condition.
Certainly, his physical appearance had improved after Meghann took a razor to that awful white hair and bathed him for nearly an hour before she was satisfied that he was clean. She"d been relieved to see the white hair was merely temporary and his normal dark brown hair grew back in after she shaved his head. Thanks to a vampire"s quick metabolism, he already had a full head of shoulder-length hair she kept in the ponytail style he used to favor.
She also made an effort to dress him in clothes he"d have chosen for himself.
Tonight, he wore a s.e.x Pistols T-shirt with jeans. One of Meghann"s short-term goals was to have Jimmy start dressing himself again, picking out his own clothes from the collection of T-shirts and jeans she"d brought over and stored in a small bureau.
But none of it not the clothes, the posters she"d nailed all around the small room, the music and books seemed to have the slightest affect on him. Though the Clozapine kept him from raving, nothing Meghann did reached him, made him respond to her.
Well, what did you expect? a voice demanded. It"s only been two weeks. Did you think you"d dress him in jeans and a cool shirt, play Ramones Leave Home, and he"d leap up screaming, "I"m cured"?
No, she hadn"t expected that but Meghann kneeled before him, taking his slack damp hands in hers. "Jimmy I need you, baby. You see, I"m I"m really lonely and scared and I need someone to hold me, to make me feel safe. d.a.m.n it, I need someone to look at me like Charles looked at Lee, and you you don"t even know I exist!"
Stop it, Meghann told herself. You get the h.e.l.l out of this room if you can"t control yourself. Don"t you carry on in front of Jimmy. If you make him uneasy, you could set him back for weeks.
"I"m sorry," she whispered and took a deep breath.
But then her control over herself shattered shattered when she heard Johnny Thunders"s nasal, reedy voice mourn softly, "I"m so all alone "
Blindly, she ran from the room, castigating herself for playing such sappy, sentimental music when her mood had been melancholy to begin with.
She ran for the stairs, thinking she"d just head home, but then she remembered she couldn"t go home Charles and Lee needed their privacy. Besides, who in their right mind would want some pregnant, weepy third wheel around?
"d.a.m.n it," she cried and sank down on one of the marble steps. Meghann put her head on her knees and bawled. She had to do something to loosen the lump in her throat that she sometimes thought would strangle her and at least she could carry on in this empty house without anyone being the wiser. She cried noisily, letting out all her grief and frustration. She cried for Alcuin, feeling as lost as a small child abandoned by its parent now that she didn"t have her kindly, wise mentor to guide her. How was she supposed to figure a way out of this horrible nightmare without his advice? If only he were alive, he"d be able to help Jimmy she was sure he would. And she wouldn"t feel so horribly alone if she could just talk to Alcuin one more time. If she could just lay this frightening mess in his more experienced hands, she wouldn"t have to worry every minute about Jimmy and the broken mind she was starting to think she might never fix. And she wouldn"t have to keep putting on a brave front for Charles"s sake or spend all her time trying to thwart Lord Baldevar. Meghann sobbed louder, giving in to the fear she covered with a brittle, cold exterior whenever she saw him. G.o.d, she was exhausted she had no energy anymore; she used it all up in trying to keep Lord Baldevar from reading her thoughts. Meghann shuddered wondering what would happen if he knew of her constant, gnawing worry that he"d kill her after she gave birth and then her poor baby would be all alone with the monster.
"Yaahhh!" Meghann started at the icy touch to her cheek and looked up to see Lord Baldevar sitting beside her, holding out a dripping cloth.
"Little one," he whispered tenderly before she could say anything, "if you don"t stop weeping, you"ll break the heart you insist I don"t have."
Meghann drew in a shaky, ragged breath. What a fool she was, carrying on like this in Lord Baldevar"s house why hadn"t she gotten into her car and driven to some secluded spot where no one would overhear her, particularly this beast?
Meghann glared, not at all fooled by the soft, compa.s.sionate gaze or kind words. Simon Baldevar was an opportunist he"d see her sorrow as a weakness he could exploit for his own gain.
"Leave me alone," Meghann cried, feeling humiliated by the tears that kept pouring out of her eyes. "Just go away, would you? I"m tired is all. I"ll be fine in a few minutes."
"Leave you to weep by yourself so you can pretend I"m the pitiless fiend you want to hate? I think not. Come here." Lord Baldevar pulled her onto his lap, cradling her head against his shoulder while he held the cold cloth over her eyes.
She wouldn"t fight, Meghann told herself. It was bad enough she"d given this monster the satisfaction of seeing her cry; she"d be d.a.m.ned if she"d engage in some physical struggle that she"d lose along with whatever dignity she had left.
And she certainly wouldn"t take any comfort from the cool cloth over her swollen eyes or the broad chest her cheek was pressed to and she"d die before admitting sitting on his lap was certainly an improvement over the hard marble staircase.
Against her will, Meghann found a drowsy peace descending over her the choking, horrible grief growing weaker and weaker as Simon crooned the same comforting murmur he"d used to get her through transformation.
Help me, master, she could remember crying through that awful pain and chaos she thought would destroy her before the night was over.
I"m here, Meghann, he"d whispered over and over just as he did now.
Nothing will ever hurt you as long as you remain with me hold on to me, little one, give me your heart and I"ll make the misery disappear.
Lord Baldevar had made the hurt disappear but he hadn"t told Meghann the price of his aid he"d used her agony to bind her to him forever; now a part of her was always open to suggestion from him. Alcuin had explained to her that since Simon"s was the voice that got her through transformation, a part of her would always be comforted by him whether she wanted to be or not.
Finally, her tears abated but Meghann kept her face pressed to the oxford shirt she"d soaked through with her tears, not sure of what she should say or how to behave. This meant nothing, she told herself firmly. It wasn"t her fault Simon Baldevar was her master but she wasn"t going to let him use that d.a.m.ned blood link to manipulate her any further. She"d dry her eyes, get off his lap, say as little to him as possible, and hopefully walk out of this house without further incident.
Meghann raised her head and said, "Thank you" in a cool, formal way she was proud of though she was dismayed by the hoa.r.s.e quality of her voice. How long had she been crying?
Lord Baldevar"s lips twitched. "You are quite welcome. Do you realize that is the first pleasant thing you"ve said to me in months? Meghann, must you continue fighting me? I can"t stand seeing you so miserable."
"You you make " It was on the tip of her tongue to inform him he was the source of all her misery but something made her hold her sharp words back.
Seeing her hesitation, Lord Baldevar took her hand. "The past cannot be changed, Meghann. Does your anger gain you anything but the despair that made you weep alone on my staircase? And why are you here by yourself?"
"I thought Charles and Lee should have some time alone together."
"No doubt you put a smile on your face and a.s.sured Doctor Tarleton you didn"t need him so he could amuse himself. Well, you may be able to put him off but I am not so easily dissuaded. Please, Meghann. Let me help you. If you cannot love me, can you at least try and end this strife between us make peace?"
"Peace?" Meghann repeated the word as though she"d never heard it before.
Certainly in all this time she"d never considered making peace with Lord Baldevar.
"Simon."
"Huh?"
He gave her a quick grin, one dimple flickering in his left cheek. "If you"re going to cry on my shoulder, I"d like it if you"d call me by my first name instead of my t.i.tle or any of the unmentionable oaths you"ve addressed me with lately."
"No!" Meghann shouted. She wouldn"t let him back in her life wouldn"t take that perilous first step of addressing him by name, of allowing herself to see him as anything but the vicious, brutal b.a.s.t.a.r.d he was. "Leave me alone!"
Meghann scrambled to her feet but her balance on the slippery marble was precarious. In her distress, the agility vampires usually enjoyed abandoned her completely. She lost her footing and would have flown down the staircase if Lord Baldevar didn"t grab her.
"Enough of this," he muttered and threw her over his shoulder like a sack.
Ignoring her furious protests, he stalked down the staircase, throwing Meghann down on a black divan in the living room.
"Your temper nearly cost you our child," he told her, holding her down when she tried to leap off the divan. "I"m sure you would have come away unscathed but it"s very likely a fall like that would cause a miscarriage."
"Good!" she snapped. Irrationally, Meghann hated him more for trying to comfort her. It was so much easier to deal with Lord Baldevar when he was terrorizing her than when he had this pseudo-concern shining in his eyes. She hardened her eyes, intending to say something that would rip away the false mask of compa.s.sion he had on and turn him back into the menacing fiend he truly was.
"I don"t want this baby anyway!"
That statement earned her a look of utter disgust. "Do you think I"m a half-wit, Meghann? Why do you think I put you in that trance? Because I cannot see your thoughts? Don"t flatter yourself. I did it because I was deeply insulted that you think I"d believe any woman who risked her life to save some nameless orphan forty years ago would be capable of the callous att.i.tude you display toward your own flesh and blood. Stop wasting my time with these foolish games."
"It"s not a game!" Meghann yelled. "I don"t want your baby!"
"Is that so?" Lord Baldevar cupped his hand under her chin and gave her a penetrating gaze that missed nothing. "You threw abortion in my face but I have yet to hear you offer me this child to raise by myself after it"s born."
Meghann blinked her eyes rapidly, praying he wouldn"t see her reflexive horror at the thought of her child being reared by him. "Is that what you want?"
"Perhaps," he said. "Perhaps I"ll make you an offer I hand you your lover after the child is born and you give me my son. Of course, you understand such an agreement would mean you had no right to see the child. And I"ll also swear to allow you and your friends to live in peace."
"That"s generous," Meghann managed.
"Isn"t it?" He smiled. "So we are agreed?"
"Yes," she said, eyes locked on her hands.
"No, no," he reproved and grasped her chin again so she couldn"t look away.
"Look into my eyes and say, I don"t want my child. You may have him for your own once he"s born."
It was a myth that you couldn"t lie because you looked someone in the eyes.
So why did Meghann stammer and flush when she met his eyes and said haltingly, "I I don"t want I don"t want my d.a.m.n you!"
Spying a red vase on a black lacquered table beside her, Meghann flung it angrily, watching it bounce off the cream wall and shatter into a thousand pieces.
"That was a Ming vase," Lord Baldevar said mournfully. "Why do you look so downcast? If you want the child, why fight me?"
"Why fight you," Meghann began incredulously. "You idiot forget it. I don"t want a tube in my throat."
"I will not harm you for speaking the truth. Now continue, Meghann. Tell me why you"ve lied why you wanted me to think you despised your own child, why you won"t come to me when I can see you"re so frightened and alone."
"If I were frightened and alone, you"d be the last person on earth I"d turn to.
Now, let me go," Meghann hissed. "I"m not telling you anything."
"Someday you"ll know I"m the only person you should put your faith in," he answered coolly. "Now, tell me why you"re trying to deceive me before I reach into your mind and find out for myself."
When Meghann kept stubbornly silent, Lord Baldevar gazed at her for a few minutes before his eyes widened with shock and something that looked suspiciously like laughter. "Protection? What can you be protecting the child from?"
"You!" she cried, exasperated and past caring what he knew or didn"t know.
"But I"m the father."
"No, you"re not!" she yelled. "I don"t care if you did impregnate me you will never ever be a father to my baby! My G.o.d, do you think I"d let a domineering psychopath like you within ten feet of an innocent child? Have you play your vicious mind games and crush its spirit? Maybe beat it whenever the great lord and master is displeased? I won"t have it! I will not allow you to ruin this child"s life like you ruined mine. So I guess you better lobotomize me or kill me or do whatever else you have up your vile sleeve, because if you ever hurt my baby you"ll answer to me, Simon Baldevar!"
"Meghann," he whispered and now he looked at her, not with rage or derision but admiration admiration and the beginnings of hope. "Do I understand you correctly? All of this your vicious remarks and plans to destroy me of course I know about that! You"ve done all of this because you think I won"t be a good father?"
"Well yes."
"You delightful, wonderful girl!" Lord Baldevar swung her off her feet, planting kisses all over her face, smiling down at her in pure joy.
"Put me down! Stop s...o...b..ring over me! What the h.e.l.l are you so happy about?"
He didn"t put her down. Instead, he reseated himself on the divan, cradling her resisting form against him.
"My Meghann I always knew you"d be a wonderful mother, so protective of those you love. Stop that squirming you"ll tire yourself. How foolish of me not to see it. Your misconception of me makes you think I"d be an unsuitable parent, so of course you would try to deceive me. And you probably also fear that I"ll take the child and never allow you near him or simply kill you once you give birth.
What were you planning give birth under my nose and then flee into hiding with the baby? No, that wouldn"t be permanent enough no doubt I meet with a nasty death once you don"t need my blood."
Meghann refused to give him the satisfaction of an answer.
"All right," he said and petted her hair. "You don"t trust me yet. I shall simply have to change that."
"How?"
Lord Baldevar raised an eyebrow. "By showing you I mean only the best for you and my son. How else? I"ll court you and you"ll see all the poison Alcuin filled your mind with is false."
"Court me?" she gasped. If he had said he was going to kill her, she couldn"t have been more appalled. "I I no! I don"t want some vile beast that goes around destroying innocent men in jealous fits of rage courting me. And don"t you dare blame Alcuin for all your flaws! He didn"t have to tell me anything about you that I didn"t witness firsthand "
"Stop," he said, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "You are right."
"What?" she said dumbly. Lord Baldevar laughed at her shock and gave her hair a not too gentle tug.
"You are right, Meghann. Since I found you at Doctor Winslow"s, I"ve done nothing to present my charms in an attractive light it"s no wonder you fear me.
Well, enough of that. Come along, we"re going out."
"What do you mean, "out"?" Meghann demanded when he took her hand and started dragging her out of the living room.
"You may remember the word from the nights before you decided to bury yourself alive. I"ve had enough of this self-pitying melancholy you"ve wrapped yourself in."
"Self-pitying," Meghann seethed. "How dare you "
"I dare, Meghann. I dare because I care far too much to allow the vital woman I adore to remain a hollow-eyed, weepy skeleton and pine away into the grave. If you could only see your reflection. You look more like a death camp survivor than an expectant mother."