"Then it"s settled. We"ll leave today, if it can be arranged, and I feel sure it can. Robert--" to Stein--"if you"ll come with me we"ll try to make the necessary arrangements." Stein left, and Smith left, and I got up and looked into the mirror. I needed a shave again.
My college didn"t have a laboratory worth counting when I went to school. We"d had a stadium, and a losing football team instead. Now the balding, bearded physicists sat in the front row when the appropriations were spooned out. I suppose that"s all for the better.
I really wouldn"t know. The old fellow that met us at the front door looked like an airedale, and like an airedale he sniffed all around me before getting into combat range.
"So you"re Peter Miller!"
"That"s my name," I admitted. I wondered what all the dials and the gadgets were for. It looked to me like the front end of one of these computers I used to see in the magazines.
"I"m Kellner. You must be Stein, right? Never mind your coats. Just follow me," and off he trotted, and we trailed him into a bare office with what looked like the equipment of a spendthrift dentist.
"You sit here," and he waved at a straightbacked chair. I sat down, Stein shifted nervously from one foot to the other, and in a moment Kellner came back with a dozen others. He didn"t bother to introduce any of them. They all stood off and gaped at who"d killed c.o.c.k Robin.
Kellner broke the silence. "Physical first?" There was a general nod.
"Physical, psychological, then--we"ll come to that later." To Stein: "Want to come along? Rather wait here? This is going to take some time, you know."
Stein knew that. He also wanted to come along. Those were his orders.
I felt self-conscious taking off my clothes in front of that ghoulish crew. The sheet they left me kept off no drafts, and I felt like a corpse ready for the embalmer, and likely appeared one. Stethoscope, a scale for my weight, a tape for my arm and the blood pressure, lights that blinked in my eyes and bells that rang in my ear ... when they were finished with me I felt like a used Tinker-Toy.
"Do I pa.s.s? Will I live?"
Kellner didn"t like juvenile humor. He turned me over to another group who, so help me, brought out a box of children"s blocks to put together, timing me with a stopwatch. They used the same stopwatch to time how long it took me to come up with answers to some of the silliest questions I ever heard outside of a nursery. Now I know why they label well the patients in an insane asylum. The man with the watch galloped off and came back with Kellner and they all stood around muttering. The sheet and I were sticking to the chair.
"Kellner. Doctor Kellner!" They didn"t like me to break up the kaffeeklatch. "Can I go now? Are you all through?"
"All through?" The airedale changed to a cackling Rhode Island Red.
"Joseph, you are just beginning."
"My name isn"t Joseph, Dr. Kellner. It"s Miller. Peter Ambrose Miller."
"Excuse me, Peter," and he cackled again. "Nevertheless, you"re going to be here quite awhile."
Peter, hey? No more, Mr. Miller. Pete to my wife, Peter to my mother, and Peter to every school teacher I ever had.
They conferred awhile longer and the party broke up. Kellner and a gawkish Great Dane led me sheet and all to what I thought would be the operating room. It looked like one. I found a chair all by myself this time, and watched them hook up an electric fan. They were hipped on fans, I thought.
Kellner trotted over. "Stop that fan." Not, please stop that fan.
Just, stop that fan.
I shivered ostentatiously. "I"m cold."
Kellner was annoyed. "Perfectly comfortable in here." Sure, you old goat, you got your pants on. "Come, let"s not delay. Stop the fan."
I told him I was still cold, and I looked at the fan. It threw sparks, and the long cord smoked. I was going to fix those boys.
The other man yanked the cord from the wall, and from the way he sucked his fingers, it must have been hot. Kellner was pleased at that. He ignored the man"s sore fingers and snarled at him until he brought out some dry cells and hooked them in series to a large bell, almost a gong. He pressed the b.u.t.ton and it clanged.
"All right," and Kellner motioned imperiously to me. "No point in fooling. We know you can make it stop ringing. Now, go ahead and ring the bell."
I looked at him. "Make the bell ring what?"
"What?" He was genuinely puzzled. "What"s this?"
"I said make the bell ring what?" He stared blankly at me. "And you heard me the first time!" He shot an astonished glance at Stein. "Oh, h.e.l.l!" I got up and started out, trailing my sheet. I almost stumbled over Stein, who was right at my shoulder.
"Here, what"s this?" Kellner was bouncing with excitement.
I turned on him. "Listen you; I said I was cold. Not once, but twice I said I was cold. Now, blast it, I want my clothes, and I want them now. Right now!" The airedale became a fish out of water. "Do I look like a ten-year-old in to get his tonsils out? I ask you a civil question and you smirk at me, you tell me to do this and you tell me to do that and never a please or a thank you or a kiss my foot. Don"t pull that Doctor write the prescription in Latin on me, because I don"t like it! Catch?" Stein was right on my heel when I headed for the door.
Poor Stein was wailing aloud. "Pete, you can"t do this! Don"t you know who Doctor Kellner is?"
"One big healthy pain!" I snapped at him. "Does he know who I am? I"m Pete Miller, Mister Miller to him or to anyone but my friends. I want my pants!"
Stein wrung his hands and slowed me down as much as I would let him.
"You just can"t get up and walk out like that!"
"Oh, no?" I came to a full stop and leered at him. "Who"s going to stop me?"
That"s the trouble with the doctors and lawyers and technical boys; they"re so used to talking over people"s heads they can"t answer a civil question in less than forty syllables. Keep all the secrets in the trade. Write it in Latin, keep the patient in the dark, pat his head and tell him papa knows best.
When Kellner caught up with us he had help. "Here, here, my man. Where do you think you are going?"
I wished he was my age and forty pounds heavier. "Me? I"m getting out of here. And I"m not your man and I never will be. When you can admit that, and not act like I"m a set of chalkmarks on a blackboard, send me a letter and tell me about it. One side, dogface!"
One big fellow, just the right size, puffed out his cheeks. "Just whom do you think you are addressing?"
Whom. I looked him over. I never did like people who wore van d.y.k.e goatees. I put whom and van d.y.k.e on the floor. It was a good Donnybrook while it lasted. The last thing I remember was the gong in the next room clanging steadily while Stein, good old Stein, right in there beside me was swinging and yelling, "Don"t hurt him! Don"t hurt him!"
I woke up with another headache. When I sat up with a grunt and looked around I saw Stein and his nose four inches from a mirror, gingerly trying his tongue against his front teeth. I snickered. He didn"t like that, and turned around.
"You don"t look so hot yourself."
He was right. I couldn"t see much out of my left eye. We grinned at each other. "Right in there pitching, weren"t you?"
He shrugged. "What did you expect me to do?"
"Run for help," I told him. "Or stand there and watch me get a going over."
"Sure." He looked uncomfortable. "I"m supposed to keep an eye on you."
"So you did." I thought back. "What happened to Whom when I addressed him properly?"
It must have hurt his cheek when he tried to smile. "Still out, at last report. You know, Pete, you have a fairly good left--and a lousy temper."