Back at home, I run into the kitchen and grab the scissors from the drawer. I frantically cut my store cards into tiny pieces. Then I reach for the credit cards. My right hand is trembling and I feel scared. I"ve never felt so alone. Not even after Mum died and the social worker collected me from the hospital to take me to Nanny Jean"s house at least the buck didn"t stop with me when it came to paying for everything. What if there"s an emergency? I waver and then relinquish myself to the feeling of panic at not having my safety net to fall back on. I only manage to cut up one of the credit cards.
I walk into the lounge, and stand in front of the bookcase, and after squeezing my eyes tight shut I reach out to grab a book. Then I quickly ram the other credit card in between the pages, before pushing it back onto the shelf, feeling with my fingertips until it"s safely back in place. I count to ten before I let myself open my eyes. Then I gather together all of my card statements and shove them into my bag. First thing tomorrow morning I"m going to pay them off. The surge of relief is overwhelming. I"ll finally be able to sleep at night. I can"t wait.
But there"s one card left, the gold card, and I know the perfect place for that.
14.
It"s seven o"clock on Thursday evening, late-night shopping, and I feel sick. I"m on a break and I"ve already eaten two mini-tubes of sour cream and onion Pringles, half a family bag of Haribo Favourites and, in a vain attempt to ease the guilt at having eaten so many E numbers, I polish off the last of a tub of fruit salad. The canteen is empty, but as I chase a slice of kiwi around the bottom of the plastic container, James appears.
"I thought I was the only one in here," I say, feeling uncomfortable as we haven"t actually discussed the compet.i.tion yet, or how he snapped at me on the phone. But before I can ask him about it he says, "Georgie, I want to apologise for the way I spoke to you the other day. It was totally unforgivable." He drops his eyes.
"Oh forget it. As long as you"re OK," I smile.
He hesitates before replying.
"I"m fine, just a bit stressed. Friends again?" he grins, and I smile back.
"Friends," I agree.
"How"s it going?" He perches down on the bench seat, just a few centimetres from me.
"So-so ..." I start, but it"s no use. "Actually, that"s not true. This is awful, I feel so guilty after you employed me in the first place and now we"re having to compete." He looks at me with sparkly enquiring eyes.
"Don"t be, these are tough times and we all have to do what we need to."
I can"t believe he"s being so decent about it.
"Look, I"ll live, let"s just see what happens." He grins at me and I grin back at him and try to shove the feeling of guilt aside. He holds his gaze on me and I shift uncomfortably.
"James, I didn"t tell you what happened with Malikov. He only went an-" But he holds a hand up as a signal for me to be quiet.
"I think we should stop talking about work. And seeing as I"m not your boss any more, why don"t we go and grab a bite to eat later?" he says, enthusiastically.
"I"d love to but I"m fit to burst. I"ve just eaten my way through enough food to feed a small princ.i.p.ality." I instantly wish that I hadn"t given him quite so much information. But James just laughs and follows it with, "Georgie, it doesn"t have to be dinner ... you know a drink would suffice. Anyway, you have to come out with me, if only because you feel sorry for me." I study him carefully. Is he actually asking me out? I"m not sure. It feels like he is, but after hearing about him and Maxine, not to mention the fact he"s married, it"s as if I don"t know him any more maybe I never really did. But then he didn"t have to put a note on my file to make sure my personal business was never mentioned, and he"s hot. It"s been ages since I lived dangerously.
"Come on ... a quick drink." He nudges me, and a giddy excitement suddenly bubbles through me. He flashes me a grin. I tell myself one drink won"t hurt.
As we step through the low door of the intimate candlelit bar, James heads straight over to one of the booths.
"More privacy here," he says, gesturing for me to take a seat. "What can I get you?"
"A rose, please," I say, pondering on what he means by "more privacy" while he heads over to the bar. I can"t believe I"m actually alone in a bar with him. Earlier on it seemed a daring adventure, but now it feels weird, a little sordid even. What about his wife? I glance around to check there isn"t anyone from work in here and then quickly bring myself back down to earth ... it"s just a drink with a work friend, that"s all. But when he reappears and his fingers brush mine as he hands me the gla.s.s of wine, I know that I"m kidding myself. Maybe I should try and probe him a little, find out what he"s playing at. I try the thought on for size, wishing I could just seize the moment and enjoy being alone with him. Maybe James does like me, and more than just as a colleague ... or maybe he has a habit of having affairs with women at work. My head feels as if it might burst, it"s so full of possibilities, so I take a sip of wine and ponder on what I can say to find out. I open my mouth to speak at precisely the same time as his mobile rings.
"Mind if I just get this?" he whispers, gently touching my arm, and then quickly pulling his hand away before taking the call.
"Of course," I reply, feeling tingly from his touch. He"s definitely being flirty ... I know I"m not mistaken but I"m not sure I like it. I watch him for a moment as he wanders towards the bar, pushing his hand through his hair, his shoulders relaxed. I enjoy being with him, but not like this, not in secretive booths skulking around bars praying his wife doesn"t spot us. Mulberry-On-Sea can be such a small place sometimes. I"m not sure I could do that.
I quickly finish my wine and motion to him that I have to go.
"Hold on a second," he says into the phone, and then to me, "Please ... don"t go, I won"t be long." He covers the phone with his free hand and pulls a disappointed face.
"Sorry James, I have to be up early," I say with a wry grin, before glancing at my watch to emphasise how late it is.
"Sure, another time perhaps?" he asks, his face scanning mine as I pull on my coat.
"Maybe." I head off, wishing I knew what was going on and vowing to definitely find out ... if there is another time. And part of me can"t help secretly hoping there is, even though I know I really shouldn"t.
15.
On turning the corner of the street on my way into work for the red-eye meeting with Maxine, I see her pulling into the car park in a brand-spanking-new Audi TT. As I"m pondering on how she affords such an expensive car, she spots me.
"Terrific timing," she gushes, as the electric window slides down. The door flings open just as the car park security guy runs over to a.s.sist her. "Too late," she says, dismissively, and shoos him away. As she emerges from the low-level seat, her brown cord skirt rides up over her perfect legs, and they splay open. And as she turns to step out of the car, she inadvertently flashes me a glimpse of her knickers. With a speed that could induce whiplash, I turn my head to hide the giggle, but it"s no use, so I disguise it as a cough instead.
"Not ill again, are you?" She treats me to her pageant smile.
What is it with her and illness? She"s obsessed. She turns back to the car and attempts to haul a pile of folders out from the foot well, after flinging a grey silk tie out of the way. Hmmm, I wonder who the tie belongs to? She"s obviously had a man in her car and he"s taken his tie off. I wonder what else he took off?
"No, I"m fine. Here, let me give you a hand," I say, reaching out to take the folders from her and thinking surely it wouldn"t have been James? I forcibly shove the image from my head. I really don"t want to go there.
"Oh, what a good Samaritan you are," she says jovially, and shoves the enormous stack of manila folders at me. With my chin barely reaching the top, I struggle to keep my handbag about my person. Thinking she"ll take the folders once she"s locked the car, I wait by the bonnet. But instead she strides off towards the staff entrance, swinging her gold-chained mini Chanel handbag with the gaiety of a Parisian girl skipping down the Champs Elysees in springtime. Presuming that I"m to follow her, I stagger along behind and then veer off towards the lift, thinking what a b.l.o.o.d.y cheek she has. I wish I hadn"t bothered to give her a hand now.
"Oh no!" she bellows, with such force, for a second I contemplate flinging the folders and body-slamming the floor in case she"s spotted a suicide bomber lurking. "The lift is for fat people," she continues, and with a self-satisfied shake of her head she breezes off.
"Well, these weigh a ton, so I"ll have to see you up there," I quip, feeling pleased with myself for standing up to her as I stomp off.
"All right then," she calls airily.
"What are you doing in so early?" It"s Eddie and he"s skulking in the corner of the lift.
"I could ask you the same thing. I have my weekly one-to-one with the stick insect, what"s your excuse?" I ask, my hackles still up. Eddie looks tired and dishevelled. His tie is crooked and his hair, which is usually all gelled and immaculate, is a squashed heap.
"Been here since h.e.l.l o"clock typing up her endless reports, that"s all. I"m just on my way home to get showered and changed as that ridiculously high-maintenance s.e.x fiend," he pauses to jab an angry finger towards the doors, signifying he"s referring to Maxine, "has only insisted I come straight back."
"Oh Ed, that"s torture."
"Exactly! Even galley slaves got a break sometimes," he says, pulling a sucking-on-a-lemon face.
I try not to laugh at his indignation.
"Do you know she even told me to find another job, if I didn"t like it? Said there are plenty of people who"d jump at the chance to work with her." Eddie crosses his arms and rolls his bloodshot eyes up towards the ceiling in a huff.
"I"m sorry. Just try to ignore her," I say, wishing I could take my own advice. I manage to hoist the folders up against the handrail in an attempt to get some relief from their weight when the lift shudders to a halt.
"For crying out loud, not again ... must be the second time this week I"ve been stuck in this sodding lift." Eddie uncrosses his arms and stabs at the "call" b.u.t.ton. "How come you"ve got these?" he says, glancing at the folders. "They"re personnel records ... Maxine made me get them from HR. Of course, I checked with Walter first because they"re highly confidential, but he said to do whatever she asked. The flaming turncoat that he is," Eddie snorts.
"Oh, like an idiot I offered to give her a hand with them. I b.u.mped into her as she pulled up in her Audi TT," I tut.
"Oh yeah, don"t start me on that. Bending my ear for days, she was, over that car. And what I"d like to know is how come Carrington"s is forking out for a company car? I thought we were on the verge of a terminal decline. Walter must be dafter than he looks. "Make sure it"s the gun-metal grey"," he says, running a suggestive hand down his chest and mimicking her breathy voice. "Over and over, to the point where I felt like pummelling her with some gun metal myself, and you know I"m not a violent man." He attempts a weak smile and I give him a sympathetic look.
"So how come she"s managed to w.a.n.gle a sports car and not a normal car then?"
"Search me. It seems madam gets whatever she wants. And you want to see how much gear she has delivered to her office every day. All designer stuff too. But one thing is for sure, the board think she"s the best thing since sliced foie gras, and as for Walter, well, she"s got him wrapped right around her toothpick of a pinkie." He wiggles his little finger in the air, before yelling, "h.e.l.looo, is anyone actually there?" into the little speaker on the wall of the lift.
There"s a crackle of static before a male voice bellows, "Sorry guys, technical hitch. You"ll be on your way soon."
"Well, that"s just grrrreat," Eddie yells back.
"You know she flashed at me when she dragged herself out of the car earlier on," I say, lowering my voice in case the speaker is still active.
"Oh purlease. That"s way too much information," he says, holding his hand up.
"So, how"s your love life?" I ask, changing the subject, wishing I could tell him about my drink with James.
"Oh don"t. Smith deserted me ... for somebody else. Story of my life," Eddie says, sticking his bottom lip out.
"Oh, Ed, I"m so sorry. I"d give you a hug if I could but ..." I nod towards the folders.
"And get this, only said we could still see each other. I ask you ... flaming cheek," he sniffs, haughtily.
"d.a.m.n right. Hope you told him to sod off."
"Weell, let"s just say I"m working on it." Eddie purses his lips, and I roll my eyes at him.
"You"re such a manwh.o.r.e."
"I know. Isn"t it fabulous," he sn.i.g.g.e.rs. The lift rumbles into action again. I glance at the digital display.
"Ed, you do know this lift is going up, don"t you?" I tell him, and wonder if James will be in yet.
"Well there you go, proof I"m officially mentally impaired from sleep deprivation," he sighs, waving jazz hands in the air. Then he pushes the b.u.t.ton for the next floor.
"I"m going to knuckle-drag my weary body out here and take the customer lift down. And you know what, I don"t give a f.u.c.k if I"m caught and disciplined, they can kiss my big queen a.r.s.e," he says with a flourish.
"Well try to get some sleep in the next few days," I call after him as he staggers out theatrically. He gives me a withering smile as he slides the cage door shut behind him.
The lift is just getting ready to move when a hand flies in between a gap in the metal. Instinctively, I lean over to press the "lift hold" b.u.t.ton, and momentarily forget about the folders. They crash to the floor as the cage door is slid open.
"I"m so sorry. Here, let me help you." It"s Tom. I scrabble around trying to retrieve the folders, the contents of which have cascaded everywhere. Frantically, I try and cram the papers into their rightful folders. Tom is crouched down next to me, and his face is just a few centimetres from mine. I tug at the collar of my jacket. The heat in the confined s.p.a.ce is suffocating. He hands me a heap of papers and then suddenly loses his balance and accidentally b.u.mps into me. He quickly springs back up.
"I"m so sorry. You"re not hurt are you?" he asks, sounding concerned. I look up at him. He"s so delicious that for a moment I"m not sure I can move my legs. They feel like jelly. He offers a large hand down towards me. I shove the folders under my arm and manage to haul myself up, attempting the move as daintily as I can, conscious of his eyes scanning me.
"Think that makes us quits now. You took a tumble and now I have too," he says, grinning, and I notice that his eyes are seeking out mine. He"s irresistible, but I still don"t trust him after what he said in the club and then practically ignoring me in favour of his phone. I quickly turn away and bend down to retrieve the rest of the folders.
"Indeed, and err thanks for, well ..." My voice trails off. He hands me a few more folders.
"How come you have these?" he asks, scrutinising the last one from the floor.
"Oh, they"re not mine. I b.u.mped into Maxine on her way into work with them. I"m just taking them up for her."
"I see. So why isn"t she taking them herself?" he asks, looking puzzled.
"Well, I did offer," I say, feebly, thinking what a creep he probably thinks I am. But secretly praying that if I"m ever going to get stuck in a lift again for any length of time, then, please please please G.o.d ... could it actually be right now.
"But she shouldn"t be taking them home. I"d better let her know." He flashes a look of disappointment as he shakes his head. This is strange I"m surprised he thinks he"s in a position to contemplate pulling her up about it. It seems far too a.s.sured. They must be on really good terms, as I can"t imagine he"d get away with it otherwise. The thought makes me feel uneasy. "Err, on second thoughts, probably best not to," he says, awkwardly, as though he suddenly realises he"s said something he shouldn"t have.
The lift arrives on the canteen floor, and after Tom leaves, I carry on mulling things over until I reach the top floor.
I finally make it to Maxine"s office and dump the folders down on her desk.
"Thought you said you were fit." She shoos me away with an imperious hand, not even bothering to say thank you. I walk away, wanting to smack her beautiful face.
"Oh Gina, something"s cropped up so we"ll have to have our meeting at ten thirty instead." For a second, I don"t respond, I"m too busy feeling cheated at having hauled myself out of bed at six o"clock this morning for what now appears to be no apparent reason. "Did you hear me? I said-"
"Yes, I heard you. See you at ten thirty," I reply, wondering what would happen if I killed her. Throttled the life out of her Restylane-riddled body, right here in her office. In a sudden melodramatic moment, I toy with the mental image of myself in an orange jumpsuit, shuffling around like an American prisoner on death row, but then quickly shove the thought from my mind. Orange really isn"t a flattering colour it"s so difficult to pull off, and she"s soo not worth it.
Eradicating the thoughts of a prison stretch, I manage to restrain myself, and make my way back to the lift. As I"m walking, I mentally write out a really scathing resignation letter in my head, to console myself with instead.
I"m waiting for the lift when my mobile buzzes in my pocket. It"s Sam.
"Can you talk?" she says, clandestinely, sounding like a phoney secret agent.
"Yes," I reply, glancing around. Her manner makes me feel paranoid all of a sudden.
"Next Thursday at six p.m. Are you free?"
"Why are you whispering?" I ask. I can barely hear her.
"You said to be discreet." I ponder on her bizarre logic before realising what she"s talking about. "Sorry it"s taken so long." Silence follows. "Oh hang on a sec." I hear the oven timer ping. "Sorry about that, just had to rescue a batch of chocolate m.u.f.fins. I"ve got you an interview."
It takes a few seconds to sink in. I lean against the wall, clutching the phone to my ear. The feeling of relief, that I might actually escape Maxine"s clutches after all, is overwhelming.