Maggie was all but huddled in the entryway. I realized the one thing I hadn"t told her about was the sheer force of Ken"s presence. Sure, he scared the c.r.a.p out of me the first time we met, but that seemed so long ago. He was just Ken now. I wanted to tell her it was okay, he wasn"t nearly as scary as he looked. Ken beat me to it.
"Don"t worry, I won"t bite. I"m Ken. And you are?" He held out his hand, and Maggie stepped forward.
"I"m Maggie," she whispered, letting her hand be swallowed in his.
He turned to me. "She"s just as quiet as you were. How about that."
"She"s not usually. Maggie, say something."
"It"s nice to meet you, sir." I giggled at how similar she sounded to me the first time I met Ken.
"Why don"t you girls come in and sit down? Would you like something to drink?" Maggie shook her head, obviously still too intimidated to say much. "Persephone, would you mind getting me some tea? I think I would like to sit back down."
"Yeah, sure. Are you okay?"
"Fine, fine." He waved his hand, dismissing me. I was hurt by the gesture but more concerned about the color, or lack thereof in his face. Once again, I wondered when all of this had happened. When did he start looking so old?
I returned with his tea to find him still trying to draw Maggie out. "So are you off to school as well this fall?"
"Yes, sir."
"Maggie"s going to MU. She"s really smart and got an almost perfect on her ACT. All kinds of scholarships, right, Maggie?" I bragged. She only nodded.
"Well, good for you. What will you study there?"
She cleared her throat. "Pre-med. I"m going into medical research. I"m going to cure MS."
This caught my attention. It was the first time I"d heard about this plan. I always knew she wanted to go into medicine, but I had no idea about the research. What the h.e.l.l was MS? And more importantly, why the h.e.l.l did she want to cure it?
"That certainly sounds ambitious." Ken was obviously impressed. "What made you choose that?"
Maggie glanced in my direction, hesitating before answering. "A friend of mine, his dad has multiple sclerosis." What the h.e.l.l? What friend? My dad was, as much as I wished it wasn"t the case, in perfect health. "I mean, this guy I used to date, Mickey, his dad has it."
Mickey! That was his name! Did I remember Maggie telling me about his dad? Did I remember Maggie telling me anything, period? Not really. I did, however, remember alternating between making fun of his name and his stereotypical Irish appearance. Jesus.
"There was this one time I was at his house and Mick"s dad had an attack. They call it an episode. Anyway, his legs started to spasm, and he collapsed. Mick had to carry him to bed like a baby. Mick"s a big guy, but so is his dad. It was hard to watch, but it was kind of beautiful, too, you know? It"s just the two of them. His mom left a few months after his dad was diagnosed. It"s really hard on them. We don"t really see each other much anymore. I mean, I haven"t seen him at all. We texted a few times, but, you know." She shrugged, trying to be casual about something that obviously meant a lot to her. "His dad was getting worse, and Mick spends a lot of his time taking care of him. And I..." She looked me in the eye and said, "I had my own obligations to take care of."
Heart meet floor. And here"s a curb stomp to finish the job. I reached for her hand. "Maggie, I"m so sorry. I had no idea."
She let me briefly hold her fingers before putting her hand back in her lap.
"I know."
I guess things weren"t all better yet. Guilt, shame and anger collided in one sickening pool in my stomach. She should have told me! We were together all the time! At any point she could have said, "Hey, Persephone, you know that guy I"m dating? Yeah, I really like him, and his dad"s sick, and I"m worried." I would have listened. I would have been there for her. I would have told her to go spend time with him. It wasn"t my fault she never said anything! But was that true? Really?
Silence joined us in the living room, sidling up and whispering words of regret, sadness and anger into my ears. You weren"t there for her. You are a bad friend. No, it"s worse than that. You"re a bad person. You are selfish and cruel. How many cuts will it take to make this better? How much blood are you willing to sacrifice this time?
Ken finally broke through. "Alright girls, it"s getting close to dinner time. We"re going to order pizza. I prefer pepperoni from Imo"s. If you would like something different, feel free to order another for yourselves. If not, I think an extra-large should feed us all. Persephone, there is cash in the coffee can on the kitchen counter. I think I will take a short nap. Please wake me up when it gets here."
"Okay. Everything okay?"
He nodded, pushing himself out of his chair, but didn"t say anything.
"Ken?"
"I"m fine, Persephone."
I was once again struck by his sudden change in mood and chilly tone. Did he realize I was the obligation Maggie was talking about? Was he angry? Disappointed? I needed so desperately for him to turn around and smile. Pat me on the head. Anything to let me know everything was okay. But he left the room and a few moments later I heard his door shut.
"So that"s Ken, huh? He"s nice, I guess. Listen, I don"t think I"ll stick around for the pizza thing. Can you take me home?" Fine, you can leave me, too. What the h.e.l.l do I care? Screw you both.
"Yeah, I guess so. I can just pick up the pizza, I guess." And razors. Oh, and bandages.
"I just, you know, want to be at my house and stuff. No offense."
"Yeah, no, I get it." You could ask her to stay. She doesn"t know you need her unless you tell her.
"Okay, well." She might need you, too.
"I"ll get my keys." She doesn"t need someone like you. Someone who cuts her own body and lies and runs away and uses people. No one needs you. And no one wants you. I stood in the living room entryway, waiting for some other voice to tell me something different.
"Persephone?" Maggie was getting impatient.
"Maggie, would you please stay? I know you want to go home. I know I shouldn"t ask. And I will take you home if you want me to. But could you just stay for a little while? I feel so lost."
Maggie knelt down on the floor beside me and wrapped her arms around me. "Me too, but we"re going to be okay."
I tried to nod but ended up head b.u.t.ting her in the chin instead. It was the moment we needed to break through. Tears and pain were replaced by laughter and acceptance. It was time to order pizza.
His room was dark save for a small, dim lamp on the nightstand-a nightstand covered in prescription bottles. Take two as needed for pain. Take as needed. Take (4) four 3 times a day with food. Take as needed for sleep. Take 2 once a day. I kept picking up bottles. What were they all for? Again, I knew I didn"t want the answer to my question. I could pretend I had never seen them. I had spent my life convincing myself things weren"t true-weren"t really happening. I could make this go away, too.
"Ken?" I whispered. "Ken?" His hand flew from his side and locked around my wrist. His eyes were open and staring at me, unknowing and uncaring. It"d never occurred to me that maybe I wasn"t the only one with nightmares.
"Ow! Ken! Let go!" I tried to pull free, giving myself an Indian burn in the process. "Ken! Please!" The cloud seemed to lift and he released my arm. I backed away, not knowing if I should run or comfort him.
"Persephone! I"m sorry. It"s okay. Sometimes I get confused."
"Ken, what"s wrong with you?" I didn"t just mean what caused him to come out of sleep fighting. Or what made him need the pharmacy on his nightstand. I wanted to know what made him sit for hours holding a picture of his sister and crying. And how he had reached almost the end of his life with only a screwed up teenager and an old Marine buddy to care about him.
"It"s bad memories, Persephone. Everyone has them. Some are worse than others."
"I know."
"I"m sorry if I frightened you."
"It"s okay. The pizza is here." I couldn"t look him in the eye. I was scared, but not for the reasons he thought. I was terrified to realize everyone I knew and loved was damaged, flawed beyond repair. There was no pursuit of happiness-just a constant battle to keep the worst of the demons at bay.
"Alright."
Comments about the pizza and which kind was our favorite covered up the fact none of us were really talking. At least not about anything that mattered. Not about all the things we could and should have been talking about. All the things none of us wanted to talk about.
When the last bit of crust had been eaten and the box shoved in the trash can, we had no choice but to stare at one another.
Ken finally claimed exhaustion and went to bed. Despite his earlier nap, he did look worn out. When we heard his door shut, Maggie asked if I would take her home.
We were in the car for at least five minutes before either one of us spoke. Maggie was the one to break the silence.
"You know, Persephone, I think this is all going to work out. I like Ken." I reached over to hold her hand.
"I hope you"re right, Maggie. I really do."
We pulled into her driveway. "Just have a little faith. Sometimes things actually do go right, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, we"re still friends right?" I tried to sound casual about it, but there was a break in my voice.
"Always, Persephone, always."
I waited to make sure she got into her house okay. On my way back to Ken"s I realized my phone had been silent all night-Mom hadn"t called or texted. I told myself not to worry about what she was doing all by herself, but it was easier said than done.
Mom finally called while I was driving to school the next morning. I hadn"t even thought about lighting a cigarette until I saw her name on the screen. I fumbled to light one and answer at the same time.
"Hi, Mom."
"Good morning, sweetheart. I was calling to check in, see if you might be coming home tonight. Dad"s gone on a trip for the next few days." She sounded so small and defeated. I didn"t want to hear her voice anymore. I didn"t want her to need me like this.
"Maybe, Mom. I have some errands and stuff to do after school. Maybe I"ll come by later?"
"That would be good, Persephone. I love you." I felt another hook attaching itself to me, dragging me back to her, my dad-to destruction.
"K, Mom. Bye." I flicked the cigarette out the window as I pulled into a parking s.p.a.ce. I only had a few days left. Who cared about school policy?
Maggie and I walked in together. There was a brief, awkward silence, but things were better. When we saw each other in the hallways, we exchanged our private this-is-a-freaking-joke smiles. I got a text from her fourth period expressing her dismay at still being in cla.s.s and asking if I wanted to grab coffee after school. I told her I had to run some errands for Ken, but she was welcome to come along. We could grab a Dirty White Boy (the ultimate coffee drink) from Cla.s.sic Rock while we were out. My treat. I got a smiley face back.
She was perching on my car, much like the day before, but today she was smiling, face turned to the sun-the perfect picture of a contented teen, ready to grab the world by the horns. It was funny how deceptive appearances could be.
"Hey, bub," I greeted her.
"What are we shopping for?"
"Food and new sheets. Really fun stuff."
"Most definitely." We laughed and got in the car. Maggie cranked up the radio, Eminem rattling the windshield. It felt good to have my friend back.
We giggled and criticized various bed sets for the next hour, finally picking a bright tie-dyed one with a matching comforter. I thought Ken would like it. Or at least it would make him smile.
At the grocery store, we meticulously followed Ken"s list. He had written brand names and quant.i.ties next to each item. It was impressive.
"You know, this stuff is going to get hot if I take you back to your car before I drop it at Ken"s house. Do you mind running over there first?"
"No that"s fine. Mom actually came home last night. Guess she couldn"t reel in a new victim. Anyway, she started in on me about my outfit for graduation and my reception. She wants to go shopping, and I"m doing everything I can to not do that. She has s.h.i.tty taste in clothes. Where are you having your reception?"
"Uh, I don"t know. I guess I"m not having one."
"Are you serious? Your mom hasn"t planned anything?"
"No. I think Dad will be out of town on a trip. It"s really no big deal." And it wasn"t. The normal milestones of high school meant something vastly different to me than to my peers. Graduation wasn"t a celebration. It was a day to get through, another step closer to freedom.
I wasn"t having a reception because there wasn"t anyone to invite. My dad had colleagues not friends. My mom"s social circle didn"t extend beyond Jim, Jack, and Jose. She did have a sister somewhere in South Dakota, but they rarely spoke.
My aunt had come to visit when I was little. It was for my grandparents" funeral. Car crash on a dream trip to New York. All I could remember was a shouting match between my aunt and my father. Dad called his sister a meddlesome b.i.t.c.h, and she had never come back. I had cousins I only knew through pictures on Christmas cards.
And the last thing I wanted was a present from my father.
"What about Project Graduation? Did you buy your ticket yet?"
It hadn"t crossed my mind.
"I don"t think I"m going to go." Locked in for the entire night with hundreds of people I had no desire to spend more than thirty minutes with under normal circ.u.mstances? A vision of school board-approved activities, music, and snacks filled my head. I shuddered. No thank you.
"Come on, Persephone! Don"t make me go alone! I know you"re not going to prom. Don"t miss this, too!" It was true. I had turned down three guys for prom, and word got out to not even bother. I had officially solidified my position as resident, b.i.t.c.hy ice queen. It had only taken four years of diligent, daily effort. Good to know the hard work had paid off.
"Why don"t you not go, and we"ll hang out together that night?" I suggested.
"No! I know you"re not into all of this, and I"m really not either, but come on! We only get to graduate high school once. It"s just one night. Please Persephone!" I could feel my resolve wavering. It wasn"t because I was getting all sentimental and gushy. It was because it was Maggie asking. And I owed her. She had missed a lot because of me. I needed to do this for her.
"Fine. I will get my freaking ticket tomorrow, okay?" She actually squealed and clapped her hands. I laughed.
We dropped off groceries and made my bed with the new sheets. I was right, they made Ken smile. I took Maggie home. She chirped happily the whole way there about nothing in particular. It was nice to hear her sound like Maggie again.
Later that night, as I curled into my new bed for the first time, I realized I never went to see Mom. I hadn"t even called.
It was the last Friday the seniors would ever grace the halls of the high school, and it was chaotic. Teachers tried their best to keep us in line and somewhat out of trouble. It didn"t work. A box of miniature bouncing b.a.l.l.s was released into the student center in between morning cla.s.ses. The fountain was filled with dish soap and smoke bombs went off in one of the girls" bathrooms.