"See? See what?"
"Oh, heavens to Betsey! I"m gettin" the croup from howlin".
I--say--HERE--WE--BE! GET OUT!"
He accompanied the final bellow with an expressive pantomime indicating that the pa.s.senger was expected to alight. She seemed to understand, for she opened the door of the carriage and slowly descended. Mr. Bangs advanced to meet her.
"How d"ye do, Mrs. Beasley!" he said. "Glad to see you all safe and sound."
Mrs. Beasley shook his hand; hers were covered, as far as the knuckles, by black mitts.
"How d"ye do, Cap"n Whittaker?" she said, in a shrill voice. "You pretty smart?"
Bailey hastened to explain.
"I ain"t Cap"n Whittaker," he roared. "I"m Bailey Bangs, the one that wrote to you."
"Hey?"
Mr. Lumley and Asaph chuckled. Bailey colored and tried again.
"I ain"t the cap"n," he whooped. "Here he is--here!"
He led her over to her prospective employer and tapped the latter on the chest.
"How d"ye do, sir?" said the housekeeper. "I don"t know"s I just caught your name."
In five minutes or so the situation was made reasonably clear. Mrs.
Beasley then demanded her trunk and carpet bag. The grinning Lumley bore them into the house. Then he drove away, still grinning. Bailey looked fearfully at Captain Cy.
"She IS kind of hard of hearin", ain"t she?" he said reluctantly. "You remember I said she was."
The captain nodded.
"Yes," he answered, "you"re a truth-tellin" chap, Bailey, I"ll say that for you. You don"t exaggerate your statements."
"Hard of hearin"!" snapped Mr. Tidditt. "If the last trump ain"t a steam whistle she"ll miss Judgment Day. I"ll stop into Simmons"s on my way along and buy you a bottle of throat balsam, Cy; you"re goin" to need it."
The captain needed more than throat balsam during the fortnight which followed. The widow Beasley"s deafness was not her only failing. In fact she was altogether a failure, so far as her housekeeping was concerned.
She could cook, after a fashion, but the fashion was so limited that even the bill of fare at the perfect boarding house looked tempting in retrospect.
"Baked beans again, Cy!" exclaimed Asaph, dropping in one evening after supper. ""Tain"t Sat.u.r.day night so soon, is it?"
"No," was the dismal rejoinder. "It"s Tuesday, if my almanac ain"t out of joint. But we had beans Sat.u.r.day and they ain"t all gone yet, so I presume we"ll have "em till the last one"s swallowed. Aunt Debby"s got what the piece in the Reader used to call a "frugal mind." She don"t intend to waste anything. Last Thursday I s.p.u.n.ked up courage enough to yell for salt fish and potatoes--fixed up with pork sc.r.a.ps, you know, same"s we used to have when I was a boy. We had "em all right, and if beans of a Sat.u.r.day hadn"t been part of her religion we"d be warmin" "em up yet. I took in a cat for company "tother day, but the critter"s run away. To see it look at the beans in its saucer and then at me was pitiful; I felt like handin" myself over to the Cruelty to Animals"
folks."
"Is she neat?" inquired Mr. Tidditt.
"I don"t know. I guess so--on the installment plan. It takes her a week to scrub up the kitchen, and then one end of it is so dirty she has to begin again. Consequently the dust is so thick in the rest of the house that I can see my tracks. If "twan"t so late in the season I"d plant garden stuff in the parlor--nice soil and lots of shade, with the curtains down."
From the rooms in the rear came the words of a gospel hymn sung in a tremulous soprano and at concert pitch.
"Music with my meals, just like a high-toned restaurant," commented Captain Cy.
"But what makes her sing so everlastin" LOUD?"
"Can"t hear herself if she don"t. I could stand her deefness, because that"s an affliction and we may all come to it; but--"
The housekeeper, still singing, entered the room and planted herself in a chair.
"Good evenin", Mr. Tidditt," she said, smiling genially. "Nice weather we"ve been havin"."
Asaph nodded.
"Sociable critter, ain"t she!" observed the captain. "Always willin" to help entertain. Comes and sets up with me till bedtime. Tells about her family troubles. Preaches about her niece out West, and how set the niece and the rest of the Western relations are to have her make "em a visit. I told her she better go--I thought "twould do her good. I know "twould help ME consider"ble to see her start.
"She"s got so now she finds fault with my neckties," he added, "says I must be careful and not get my feet wet. Picks out what I ought to wear so"s I won"t get cold. She"ll adopt me pretty soon. Oh, it"s all right!
She can"t hear what you say. Are your dishes done?" he shrieked, turning to the old lady.
"One? One what?" inquired Mrs. Beasley.
"They won"t BE done till you go, Ase," continued the master of the house. "She"ll stay with us till the last gun fires. T"other day Angie Phinney called and I turned Debby loose on her. I didn"t believe anything could wear out Angie"s talkin" machinery, but she did it.
Angeline stayed twenty minutes and then quit, hoa.r.s.e as a crow."
Here the widow joined in the conversation, evidently under the impression that nothing had been said since she last spoke. Continuing her favorable comments on the weather she observed that she was glad there was so little fog, because fog was hard for folks with "neuralgy pains." Her brother"s wife"s cousin had "neuralgy" for years, and she described his sufferings with enthusiasm and infinite detail. Mr.
Tidditt answered her questions verbally at first; later by nods and shakes of the head. Captain Cy fidgeted in his chair.
"Come on outdoor, Ase," he said at last. "No use to wait till she runs down, "cause she"s a self-winder, guaranteed to keep goin" for a year.
Good-night!" he shouted, addressing Mrs. Beasley, and heading for the door.
"Where you goin"?" asked the old lady.
"No. Yes. Who said so? Hooray! Three cheers for Gen"ral Scott! Come on, Ase!" And the captain, seizing his friend by the arm, dragged him into the open air, and slammed the door.
"Are you crazy?" demanded the astonished town clerk. "What makes you talk like that?"
"Might as well. She wouldn"t understand it any better if "twas Scripture, and it saves brain work. The only satisfaction I get is bein" able to give my opinion of her and the grub without hurtin" her feelin"s. If I called her a wooden-headed jumpin" jack she"d only smile and say No, she didn"t think "twas goin" to rain, or somethin" just as brilliant."
"Well, why don"t you give her her walkin" papers?"
"I shall, when her month"s up."
"I wouldn"t wait no month. I"d heave her overboard to-night. You hear ME!"
Captain Cy shook his head.
"I can"t, very well," he replied. "I hate to make her feel TOO bad. When the month"s over I"ll have some excuse ready, maybe. The joke of it is that she don"t really need to work out. She"s got some money of her own, owns cranberry swamps and I don"t know what all. Says she took up Bailey"s offer "cause she cal"lated I"d be company for her. I had to laugh, even in the face of those beans, when she said that."
"Humph! if I don"t tell Bailey what I think of him, then--"