Instead, she watched each day fade, watched the time for taking the dagger inexorably approach. Stubbornly, she clung to her last gasp of defiance, refusing to deny herself her last precious moments in the warmth of Sebastian"s company, in the security of his embrace.
Her last hours of happiness.
Once she fled Somersham, betrayed him and left, one part of her life would be over. No other could ever mean as much to her as he now did; no other could take his place.
In her heart-he"d been right about that. The answer to his question was already engraved there-she knew what it was.
Knew she would never get a chance to tell him.
Guilt and a looming sense of incipient loss weighed on her spirits even through the hours she spent riding, laughing, talking, strolling the huge house by his side. She held the darkness at bay, shut it into a small corner of her mind, but it was still there.
Her one regret was that they would not love again. His stance was all that was n.o.ble, and she was not so unkind as to press him-she didn"t have that right. To take from him that which she only rightly could if she was intending to be his wife. No, his way was better, certainly wiser.
But she still mourned the loss of the closeness they"d shared. Only now did she truly understand the word "intimacy"; the act had affected her more deeply than she"d expected, bonded them in some way, on some other plane. Having experienced the joy once, she would always long to experience it again.
She knew she never would.
But she had no choice. Ariele was her sister, and her responsibility.
Sebastian watched her, undeceived by her laughs, by her smiles. Behind them she was increasingly fragile; the light in her eyes was growing dimmer by the day. He"d tried by all means he knew to encourage her to trust him; on all logical levels he knew she did. Emotionally . . .
Despite all, he couldn"t bring himself to press her, not any longer through any lack of self-a.s.surance but simply because he-he who had never before drawn back from a necessary act because of another"s feelings-couldn"t bring himself to torture hers.
Any more than she already was.
He doubted she knew he knew, doubted she had any idea how much he saw every time her gaze grew distant, pensive-before she realized he was watching, put up her mask and put on her smile.
It was the letters, he was sure. They still sat on her dressing table tucked behind her jewel case; he"d entered her room and checked on a number of occasions while she was safely downstairs. Both letters showed evidence of being read and refolded countless times. He"d been tempted, sorely tempted, but he hadn"t read them.
Yet.
If she didn"t confide in him soon, he would.
He"d wanted her to trust him enough to tell him of her own accord, but she hadn"t. He now suspected she wouldn"t. Which left him wondering what-or who-was so powerful, had such a strong grip on her heart, that they could command such absolute obedience.
Such unswerving devotion.
"Villard says it is not in his chamber."
Helena kept her gaze fixed on the winter landscape beyond the library windows. Shades of brown showed through the h.o.a.rfrost that had laid siege to the land. Louis had found her here, alone; she"d retreated here to allow Sebastian to finish in peace some business that he"d admitted was urgent.
Louis closed his hand about her upper arm, almost shook her. "I tell you, youmust do it soon." When she said nothing, he thrust his face close to hers. "Do you hear me?"
She"d stilled; now she turned her head and looked Louis in the eye. "Unhand me."
Her voice was low, even, uninflected. Centuries of command lay behind it.
Louis shifted, then released her. "We are running out of time." He glanced around, confirming they were still alone. "We have already been here longer than a week. I have heard there are family members expected in a few days. Who knows when St. Ives will run out of patience and decide we should go?"
"He will not."
Louis humphed. "So you say. But once his family is here . . ." He glanced at Helena. "There is talk of a wedding, as one might expect, but I do not like it. It is tempting fate to dally. You must get the dagger soon-tonight."
"I told you, it must be in his study." Helena turned her head and regarded him coolly. "Why don"t you get it?"
"I would, but Uncle has declared it must be you, and"-he shrugged-"I can see his point."
"His point?"
"If you steal it, St. Ives will not bruit the matter abroad. He will not make any public accusations nor seek to take any public revenge, because he will not want it known he was bested by a female."
"I see." Helena turned once more to her contemplation of the lawns. "So it must be me."
"Oui-and it must be soon."
Helena felt the net draw tight, felt its bite. She sighed. "I will look tonight."
She waited until after the clocks had chimed midnight before she set out. Even then she wasn"t sure that Sebastian would have quit his study, but she could look over the banisters halfway down the stairs and see if light shone from beneath the study door. Determined, she stepped out-she wasn"t fool enough to skulk but walked briskly, confidently, along the corridor, keeping to the runner so her footsteps were m.u.f.fled.
The corridor led to the long gallery. She reached its end and turned into the foyer at the top of the stairs-
And walked into a wall of muscle and bone.
She gasped. Sebastian caught her before she staggered back.
"What . . ." In the weak light from the uncurtained windows, she took in the fact that he was dressed in a silk robe and, she suspected, little else. She felt her eyes widen; undirected, her hands spread over his chest as he drew her to him. She looked up and met his gaze.
Saw one brown brow arch."Mignonne."
Where are you going?He didn"t ask, but the words were there nonetheless, implicit in his quiet watchfulness.
She dragged in a breath, felt her b.r.e.a.s.t.s swell against his chest. "What are you doing here?"
He studied her face. "I was coming to see you."
And you?his ensuing silence prompted.
The fact that, on one point at least, his patience had reached its limits was easy to read in the set of his features, the granite planes of his face. Limned by the pale light, they were etched with brutally reined desire. Beneath her hands, his body told the same tale; the wide, warm muscles were tense with need.
"I was . . ."Coming to see you? A lie. She moistened her lips, looked at his. "I wanted to see you."
The words had barely pa.s.sed her lips before he sealed them with his. The kiss was savage in its intensity, fair warning of what was to come.
She pushed her arms up, wrapped them about his neck, welcomed that kiss, kissed him back with equal fervor.
d.a.m.ned Fabien"s scheme to one last night of delay.
Gladly gave herself-for one last night of pa.s.sion-into Sebastian"s arms.