"I"m not," she said proudly. "I sometimes think--oh, I think such a lot these days--that if we talked these things over, I"d recover my--friend.
I"ve lost him now, you see. And I"m so horribly lonely, Clay."
"Lost him!"
"Lost him," she repeated. "I"ve lost my friend, and I haven"t gained anything. It didn"t hurt anybody for us to meet now and then, Clay. You know that. I wish you would understand," she added impatiently. "I only want to go back to things as they were. I want you to come in now and then. We used to talk about all sorts of things, and I miss that.
Plenty of people come, but that"s different. It"s only your occasional companionship I want. I don"t want you to come and make love to me."
"You say you have missed the companionship," he said rather unsteadily.
"I wonder if you think I haven"t?"
"I know you have, my dear. And that is why I want you to come. To come without being afraid that I expect or want anything else. Surely we can manage that."
He smiled down at her, rather wryly, at her straight courageous figure, her brave eyes, meeting his so directly. How like her it all was, the straightforwardness of it, the absence of coquetry. And once again he knew, not only that he loved her with all the depths of him, of his strong body and his vigorous mind, but that she was his woman. The one woman in the world for him. It was as though all his life he had been searching for her, and he had found her, and it was too late. She knew it, too. It was in her very eyes.
"I have wanted to come, terribly," he said finally. And when she held out her hand to him, he bent down and kissed it.
"Then that"s settled," she said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "And now I"ll tell you about Clare. I"m rather proud of her."
"Clare?"
The tension had been so great that he had forgotten the blonde girl entirely.
"Do you remember the night I got a hundred dollars from you? And later on, that I asked you for work in your mill for the girl I got it for?"
"Do you mean?" He looked at her in surprise.
"That was the girl. You see, she rather holds onto me. It"s awful in a way, too. It looks as though I am posing as magnanimous. I"m not, Clay.
If I had cared awfully it would have been different. But then, if I had cared awfully, perhaps it would never have happened."
"You have nothing to blame yourself for, Audrey."
"Well, I do, rather. But that"s not the point. Sometimes when I am alone I have wicked thoughts, you know, Clay. I"m reckless, and sometimes I think maybe there is only one life, and why not get happiness out of it. I realize that, but for some little kink in my brain, I might be in Clare"s position. So I don"t turn her out. She"s a poor, cheap thing, but--well, she is fond of me. If I had children--it"s funny, but I rather mother her! And she"s straight now, straight as a string!"
She was sensitive to his every thought, and she knew by the very change in the angle of his head that he was thinking that over and not entirely approving. But he said finally:
"You"re a big woman, Audrey."
"But you don"t like it!"
"I don"t like her troubling you."
"Troubling me! She doesn"t borrow money, you know. Why, she makes more money from your plant than I have to live on! And she brings me presents of flowers and the most awful embroidery, that she does herself."
"You ought not to know that side of life."
She laughed a little bitterly.
"Not know it!" she said. "I"ve had to know it. I learned it pretty well, too. And don"t make any mistake, Clay." She looked up at him with her clear, understanding gaze. "Being good, decent, with a lot of people is only the lack of temptation. Only, thank G.o.d, there are some who have the strength to withstand it when it comes."
And he read in her clear eyes her promise and her understanding; that they loved each other, that it was the one big thing in both their lives, but that between them there would be only the secret inner knowledge of that love. There would be no shipwreck. And for what she gave, she demanded his strength and his promise. It was to what he read in her face, not to her words, that he replied:
"I"ll do my very best, Audrey dear."
He went back to her rooms with her, and she made him tea, while he built the fire in the open fireplace and nursed it tenderly to a healthy strength. Overnursed it, she insisted. They were rather gay, indeed, and the danger-point pa.s.sed by safely. There was so much to discuss, she pretended. The President"s unfortunate phrase of "peace without victory"; the deportation of the Belgians, the recent leak in Washington to certain stock-brokers, and more and more imminent, the possibility of a state of war being recognized by the government.
"If it comes," she said, gayly, "I shall go, of course. I shall go to France and sing them into battle. My shorthand looks like a music score, as it is. What will you do?"
"I can"t let you outshine me," he said. "And I don"t want to think of your going over there without me. My dear! My dear!"
She ignored that, and gave him his tea, gravely.
CHAPTER XXVIII
When Natalie roused from her nap that Sunday afternoon, it was to find Marion gone, and Graham waiting for her in her boudoir. Through the open door she could see him pacing back and forward and something in his face made her vaguely uneasy. She a.s.sumed the child-like smile which so often preserved her from the disagreeable.
"What a sleep I"ve had," she said, and yawned prettily. "I"ll have one of your cigarets, darling, and then let"s take a walk."
Graham knew Natalie"s idea of a walk, which was three or four blocks along one of the fashionable avenues, with the car within hailing distance. At the end of the fourth block she always declared that her shoes pinched, and called the machine.
"You don"t really want to walk, mother."
"Of course I do, with you. Ring for Madeleine, dear."
She was uncomfortable. Graham had been very queer lately. He would have long, quiet spells, and then break out in an uncontrollable irritation, generally at the servants. But Graham did not ring for Madeleine. He lighted a cigaret for Natalie, and standing off, surveyed her. She was very pretty. She was prettier than Toots. That pale blue wrapper, or whatever it was, made her rather exquisite. And Natalie, curled up on her pale rose chaise longue, set to work as deliberately to make a conquest of her son as she had ever done to conquer Rodney Page, or the long list of Rodney"s predecessors.
"You"re growing very handsome, you know, boy," she said. "Almost too handsome. A man doesn"t need good looks. They"re almost a handicap. Look at your father."
"They haven"t hurt him any, I should say."
"I don"t know." She reflected, eyeing her cigaret. "He presumes on them, rather. And a good many men never think a handsome man has any brains."
"Well, he fools them there, too."
She raised her eyebrows slightly.
"Tell me about the new plant, Graham."
"I don"t know anything about it yet," he said bluntly. "And you wouldn"t be really interested if I did."
"That"s rather disagreeable of you."
"No; I"m just trying to talk straight, for once. We--you and I--we always talk around things. I don"t know why."
"You look terribly like your father just now. You are quite savage."