She chattered through the meal, however, with that light gayety of hers which was not gayety at all, and always of the country house.
"The dining-room floor is to be oak, with a marble border," she said.
"You remember the ones we saw in Italy? And the ceiling is blue and gold. You"ll love the ceiling, Clay."
There was claret with the luncheon, and Clayton, raising his gla.s.s, thought of Chris and the water that smelled to heaven.
Natalie"s mind was on loggias by that time.
"An upstairs loggia, too," she said. "Bordered with red geraniums. I loathe geraniums, but the color is good. Rodney wants j.a.panese screens and things, but I"m not sure. What do you think?"
"I think you"re a better judge than I am," he replied, smiling. He had had to come back a long way, but he made the effort.
"It"s hardly worth while struggling to have things attractive for you,"
she observed petulantly. "You never notice, anyhow. Clay, do you know that you sit hours and hours, and never talk to me?"
"No! Do I? I"m sorry."
"You"re a perfectly dreary person to have around."
"I"ll talk to you, my dear. But I"m not much good at houses. Give me something I understand."
"The mill, I suppose! Or the war!"
"Do I really talk of the war?"
"When you talk at all. What in the world do you think about, Clay, when you sit with your eyes on nothing? It"s a vicious habit."
"Oh, ships and sails and sealing wax and cabbages and kings," he said, lightly.
That afternoon Natalie slept, and the house took on the tomb-like quiet of an establishment where the first word in service is silence. Clay wandered about, feeling an inexpressible loneliness of spirit. On those days which work did not fill he was always discontented. He thought of the club, but the vision of those disconsolate groups of homeless bachelors who gathered there on all festivals that centered about a family focus was unattractive.
All at once, he realized that, since he had wakened that morning, he had been wanting to see Audrey. He wanted to talk to her, real talk, not gossip. Not country houses. Not personalities. Not recrimination. Such talk as Audrey herself had always led at dinner parties: of men and affairs, of big issues, of the war.
He felt suddenly that he must talk about the war to some one.
Natalie was still sleeping when he went down-stairs. It had been raining, but a cold wind was covering the pavement with a glaze of ice.
Here and there men in top hats, like himself, were making their way to Christmas calls. Children clinging to the arms of governesses, their feet in high arctics, slid laughing on the ice. A belated florist"s wagon was still delivering Christmas plants tied with bright red bows.
The street held more of festivity to Clayton than had his house.
Even the shop windows, as he walked toward Audrey"s unfashionable new neighborhood, cried out their message of peace. Peace--when there was no peace.
Audrey was alone, but her little room was crowded with gifts and flowers.
"I was hoping you would come, Clay," she said. "I"ve had some visitors, but they"re gone. I"ll tell them down-stairs that I"m not at home, and we can really talk."
"That"s what I came for."
And when she had telephoned; "I"ve had a letter from Chris, Audrey."
She read it slowly, and he was surprised, when she finally looked up, to find tears in her eyes.
"Poor old Chris!" she said. "I"ve never told you the story, have I, Clay? Of course I know perfectly well I haven"t. There was another woman. I think I could have understood it, perhaps, if she had been a different sort of a woman. But--I suppose it hurt my pride. I didn"t love him. She was such a vulgar little thing. Not even pretty.
Just--woman."
He nodded.
"He was fastidious, too. I don"t understand it. And he swears he never cared for her. I don"t believe he did, either. I suppose there"s no explanation for these things. They just happen. It"s the life we live, I dare say. When I look back--She"s the girl I sent into the mill."
He was distinctly shocked.
"But, Audrey," he protested, "you are not seeing her, are you?"
"Now and then. She has fastened herself on me, in a way. Don"t scowl like that. She says she is straight now and that she only wants a chance to work. She"s off the stage for good. She--danced. That money I got from you was for her. She was waiting, up-stairs. Chris was behind with her rent, and she was going to lose her furniture."
"That you should have to do such a thing!" he protested. "It"s--well, it"s infamous."
But she only smiled.
"Well, I"ve never been particularly shielded. It hasn"t hurt me. I don"t even hate her. But I"m puzzled sometimes. Where there"s love it might be understandable. Most of us would hate to have to stand the test of real love, I daresay. There"s a time in every one"s life, I suppose, when love seems to be the only thing that matters."
That was what the poet in that idiotic book had said: "There is no other joy."
"Even you, Clay," she reflected, smilingly. "You big, grave men go all to pieces, sometimes."
"I never have," he retorted.
She returned Chris"s letter to him.
"There," she said. "I"ve had my little whimper, and I feel better. Now talk to me."
The little clock was striking six when at last he rose to go. The room was dark, with only the glow of the wood fire on Audrey"s face. He found her very lovely, rather chastened and subdued, but much more appealing than in her old days of sparkle and high spirits.
"You are looking very sweet, Audrey."
"Am I? How nice of you!"
She got up and stood on the hearth-rug beside him, looking up at him.
Then, "Don"t be startled, Clay," she announced, smilingly. "I am going to kiss you--for Christmas."
And kiss him she did, putting both hands on his shoulders, and rising on her toes to do it. It was a very small kiss, and Clayton took it calmly, and as she intended him to take it. But it was, at that, rather a flushed Audrey who bade him good-night and G.o.d bless you.
Clayton took away with him from that visit a great peace and a great relief. He had talked out to her for more than an hour of the many things that puzzled and bewildered him. He had talked war, and the mill, and even Graham and his problems. And by talking of them some of them had clarified. A little of his unrest had gone. He felt encouraged, he had a new strength to go on. It was wonderful, he reflected, what the friendship of a woman could mean to a man. He was quite convinced that it was only friendship.
He turned toward home reluctantly. Behind him was the glow of Audrey"s fire, and the glow that had been in her eyes when he entered. If a man had such a woman behind him...
He went into his great, silent house, and the door closed behind him like a prison gate.
For a long time after he had gone, Audrey, doors closed to visitors, sat alone by her fire, with one of his roses held close to her cheek.
In her small upper room, in a white frame cottage on the hill overlooking the Spencer furnaces, Anna Klein, locked away from prying eyes, sat that same Christmas evening and closely inspected a tiny gold wrist-watch. And now and then, like Audrey, she pressed it to her face.