But alone in the little room he had a reaction, not the less keen because it was his fastidious rather than his moral sense that revolted.
The room was untidy, close, sordid. Even Anna"s youth did not redeem it.
Again he had the sense, when he had closed the door, of being caught in a trap, and this time a dirty trap. When she had taken off her hat, and held up her face to be kissed, he knew he would not stay.
"It"s awful, isn"t it?" she asked, following his eyes.
"It doesn"t look like you. That"s sure."
"I hurried out. It"s not so bad when it"s tidy."
He threw up the window, and stood there a moment. The spring air was cool and clean, and there was a sound of tramping feet below. He looked down. The railway station was near-by, and marching toward it, with the long swing of regulars, a company of soldiers was moving rapidly. The night, the absence of drums or music, the businesslike rapidity of their progress, held him there, looking down. He turned around. Anna had slipped off her coat, and had opened the collar of her blouse. Her neck gleamed white and young. She smiled at him.
"I guess I"ll be going," he stammered.
"Going!"
"I only wanted to see how you are fixed." His eyes evaded hers. "I"ll see you again in a day or two. I--"
He could not tell her the thoughts that were surging in him. The country was at war. Those fellows below there were already in it, of it. And here in this sordid room, he had meant to take her, not because he loved her, but because she offered herself. It was cheap. It was terrible. It was--dirty.
"Good night," he said, and tried to kiss her. But she turned her face away. She stood listening to his steps on the stairs as he went down, steps that mingled and were lost in the steady tramp of the soldiers"
feet in the street below.
CHAPTER x.x.xIV
With his many new problems following the declaration of war, Clayton Spencer found a certain peace. It was good to work hard. It was good to fill every working hour, and to drop into sleep at night too weary for consecutive thought.
Yet had he been frank with himself he would have acknowledged that Audrey was never really out of his mind. Back of his every decision lay his desire for her approval. He did not make them with her consciously in his mind, but he wanted her to know and understand, In his determination, for instance, to offer his sh.e.l.ls to the government at a nominal profit, there was no desire to win her approbation.
It was rather that he felt her behind him in the decision. He shrank from telling Natalie. Indeed, until he had returned from Washington he did not broach the subject. And then he was tired and rather discouraged, and as a result almost brutally abrupt.
Coming on top of a hard fight with the new directorate, a fight which he had finally won, Washington was disheartening. Planning enormously for the future it seemed to have no vision for the things of the present. He was met vaguely, put off, questioned. He waited hours, as patiently as he could, to find that no man seemed to have power to act, or to know what powers he had.
He found something else, too--a suspicion of him, of his motives. Who offered something for nothing must be actuated by some deep and hidden motive. He found his plain proposition probed and searched for some ulterior purpose behind it.
"It"s the old distrust, Mr. Spencer," said Hutchinson, who had gone with him to furnish figures and various data. "The Democrats are opposed to capital. They"re afraid of it. And the army thinks all civilians are on the make--which is pretty nearly true."
He saw the Secretary of War, finally, and came away feeling better.
He had found there an understanding that a man may--even should--make sacrifices for his country during war. But, although he carried away with him the conviction that his offer would ultimately be accepted, there was nothing actually accomplished. He sent Hutchinson back, and waited for a day or two, convinced that his very sincerity must bring a concrete result, and soon.
Then, lunching alone one day in the Sh.o.r.eham, he saw Audrey Valentine at another table. He had not seen her for weeks, and he had an odd moment of breathlessness when his eyes fell on her. She was pale and thin, and her eyes looked very tired. His first impulse was to go to her. The second, on which he acted, was to watch her for a little, to fill his eyes for the long months of emptiness ahead.
She was with a man in uniform, a young man, gay and smiling. He was paying her evident court, in a debonair fashion, bending toward her across the table. Suddenly Clayton was jealous, fiercely jealous.
The jealousy of the young is sad enough, but it is an ephemeral thing.
Life calls from many directions. There is always the future, and the things of the future. And behind it there is the buoyancy and easy forgetfulness of youth. But the jealousy of later years knows no such relief. It sees time flying and happiness evading it. It has not the easy self-confidence of the twenties. It has learned, too, that happiness is a rare elusive thing, to be held and nursed and clung to, and that even love must be won and held.
It has learned that love must be free, but its instinct is to hold it with chains.
He suffered acutely, and was ashamed of his suffering. After all, Audrey was still young. Life had not been kind to her, and she should be allowed to have such happiness as she could. He could offer her nothing.
He would give her up. He had already given her up. She knew it.
Then she saw him, and his determination died under the light that came in her eyes. Give her up! How could he give her up, when she was everything he had in the world? With a shock, he recognized in the thought Natalie"s constant repet.i.tion as to Graham. So he had come to that!
He felt Audrey"s eyes on him, but he did not go to her. He signed his check, and went out. He fully meant to go away without seeing her. But outside he hesitated. That would hurt her, and it was cowardly. When, a few moments later, she came out, followed by the officer, it was to find him there, obviously waiting.
"I wondered if you would dare to run away!" she said. "This is Captain Sloane, Clay, and he knows a lot about you."
Close inspection showed Sloane handsome, bronzed, and with a soft Southern voice, somewhat like Audrey"s. And it developed that he came from her home, and was on his way to one of the early camps. He obviously intended to hold on to Audrey, and Clayton left them there with the feeling that Audrey"s eyes were following him, wistful and full of trouble. He had not even asked her where she was stopping.
He took a long walk that afternoon, and re-made his noon-hour resolution. He would keep away from her. It might hurt her at first, but she was young. She would forget. And he must not stand in her way.
Having done which, he returned to the Sh.o.r.eham and spent an hour in a telephone booth, calling hotels systematically and inquiring for her.
When he finally located her his voice over the wire startled her.
"Good heavens, Clay," she said. "Are you angry about anything?"
"Of course not. I just wanted to--I am leaving to-night and I"m saying good-by. That"s all."
"Oh!" She waited.
"Have you had a pleasant afternoon?"
"Aren"t you going to see me before you go?"
"I don"t think so."
"Don"t you want to know what I am doing in Washington?"
"That"s fairly clear, isn"t it?"
"You are being rather cruel, Clay."
He hesitated. He was amazed at his own att.i.tude. Then, "Will you dine with me to-night?"
"I kept this evening for you."
But when he saw her, his sense of discomfort only increased. Their dining together was natural enough. It was not even faintly clandestine.
But the new restraint he put on himself made him reserved and unhappy.
He could not act a part. And after a time Audrey left off acting, too, and he found her watching him. On the surface he talked, but underneath it he saw her unhappiness, and her understanding of his.
"I"m going back, too," she said. "I came down to see what I can do, but there is nothing for the untrained woman. She"s a c.u.mberer of the earth.
I"ll go home and knit. I daresay I ought to be able to learn to do that well, anyhow."
"Have you forgiven me for this afternoon?"