"Yeah," I yelled in booming elephant voice as they ran away into the woods. "You know that memory he had of my my scent on his trainer"s stick? Well, I kind of changed it to a memory of scent on his trainer"s stick? Well, I kind of changed it to a memory of your your scent, you ugly bugglies!" scent, you ugly bugglies!"
But they were already too far gone to hear me. I could hear trees falling and their screams fading in the distance.
I morphed back into my usual handsome self just as Judy tentatively popped up her head from behind our Dodge minivan. Instead of Judy Blue Eyes, though, it was more like Judy Wide Eyes.
"Bet you didn"t know I could do that, huh?" I said, kind of embarra.s.sed.
"Yeah... No..." stammered Judy. "What was... ? Who were... ? Hey, why are we outside? Are you leaving?"
Watching her face was like seeing lights get shut off inside a building. I had no idea how, but Number 5 had clearly done something to her short-term memory. And if that was the case... well, this guy was getting more worrisome by the minute.
"Yeah, I better run, Judy," I said. "Stay out of trouble, okay?"
"Um, yeah," she said, waving like a Disney theme-park character as she walked, oblivious, back toward the restaurant. "Come back and see us real soon."
Chapter 34.
I HOPPED BACK in the van but didn"t get very far. Main Street was basically a two-mile-long parking lot. People were just sitting in their cars, staring into the b.u.mper of the automobile in front of theirs, not the least bit worried about the plume of black smoke that was billowing farther up the road.
I turned the van into a levitating skateboard-like the one in that Back to the Future Back to the Future movie-and offered the young man in the Ford Focus behind me the sort of nod I imagined Danny Way would give before undertaking one of his record-setting jumps. Then I put my helmet on, jumped on the board, and zipped down the sidewalk to see what was going on. movie-and offered the young man in the Ford Focus behind me the sort of nod I imagined Danny Way would give before undertaking one of his record-setting jumps. Then I put my helmet on, jumped on the board, and zipped down the sidewalk to see what was going on.
A house was on fire-and in the most stunning show of community cooperation I"d ever seen in the U.S. of A.-neighbors and pa.s.sersby had formed a bucket brigade to the house, filling and pa.s.sing buckets, hand over hand, to douse the flames. The place was a total loss, but it looked like their efforts would at least keep the inferno from spreading to any other properties.
"Where"s the fire department?" I asked a businessman standing in the line, sweating in his charcoal suit.
"n.o.body"s seen them in a month."
"What happened?!" I asked. "Isn"t there any backup? I mean, that"s nuts!"
"I guess they"re on vacation." The man pa.s.sed along another bucket.
I was flabbergasted. "Why didn"t anyone call a nearby town for help? Why hasn"t this been all over the news?"
"They"re on vacation too," he answered, and twitched a little bit. "Everybody deserves a vacation."
"So Number 5 brainwashed you too, huh?"
"What?" asked the man, sweat dripping from his brow.
"Never mind," I said, shaking my head. And I put out what was left of the fire with one giant alien breath, like I was blowing out candles on a birthday cake. "Now go home and take a shower."
Chapter 35.
I"D LEFT LUCKY at the house with Mr. Gout-but one of the bigger problems with the telepathically adjusted is that, while they"ll do what you tell them to do, they generally won"t do what you"ve forgotten to tell them to do. Like taking the dog for a walk.
By the time I got home, poor Lucky was practically putting on a Number 5style disco dance.
Since Mr. Gout had been diligently alienproofing the house for the past twenty-two hours, following the blueprints Dad had given him, I told him to go take a nap. Then I materialized a collar and leash and took Lucky for a much-needed stroll.
I don"t know if you have a dog, but it"s a real responsibility. I mean, they need to be fed, and they need to be walked, and if they make a mess on the sidewalk, you need to take care of that too.
Lucky seemed great and all, but I quickly decided that-after holding him back from chasing his third squirrel, and two neighbors" cats before that-until I had completely crossed every alien off The List, I couldn"t possibly let myself be a dog owner.
Emma was going to kill me, but she and everybody knew that my responsibility here-to safeguard the Earth from a deadly alien scourge-was more important than providing a happy home for one dog. How did Mr. Spock put it? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.
Especially when "the one" is a squirrel-chasing, cat-hating, car-barking, sidewalk-dookying dynamo of energy incapable of walking in a straight line.
And nearly incapable of being coaxed into a two-seater Ferrari-which is what I had to do... to make the four-mile drive to the local SPCA.
Chapter 36.
I PARKED MR. GOUT"S Ferrari in front of a stenciled, rust-streaked OFFICE sign on the side of the first building we came to at the SPCA, not more than a mile from the TV transmission station we"d visited last night.
Lucky cowered on the pa.s.senger-side floor as I got out of the car and went around to open his door.
"Come on," I said, patting my legs in encouragement. "Come on, boy!"
He was having none of it. I conjured a tennis ball, then a doggy biscuit, then, finally, a piece of freshly cooked bacon, which did the trick. Lucky bounded out of the car just as a long-boned, white-haired woman in work boots, dark green pants, and a khaki shirt emerged from behind one of the sheds.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
She looked like Jane Goodall, that woman who studied apes in Africa, and she reminded me of somebody else I knew too, though I couldn"t quite remember who.
"Um, we found a stray. No collar or anything, so -"
"Don"t want him yourself?"
"I, um... my family is away a lot, and I have a full-time job, and -"
"Must be some some job," she said, glancing disapprovingly at the Ferrari. "Bring him inside, and you can fill in some paperwork." job," she said, glancing disapprovingly at the Ferrari. "Bring him inside, and you can fill in some paperwork."
"Come on, Lucky," I said, materializing two more bacon bribes as the caretaker turned her back.
"You"ll just need to fill in where you found him, and anything you"ve noticed about his health. I take it his hair was already singed before he made your acquaintance?"
"If you"re thinking I-I mean, there"s no way I -"
"A half dozen pups have come in these past few weeks with burns worse than that. I"ve called the police, but they say they haven"t been able to find anything. I"ll tell you, there"s something very strange going on in this town. The way the dogs here bay all night, always in the direction of Old Man Wiggers" farm -"
"Old Man Wiggers" farm?"
"Right over that ridge," she said, pointing back into the woods. "I thought the crazy old coot had retired from farming, but, given the amount of noise he"s been making, I guess he"s reconsidered. Been driving the dogs and me crazy. Bulldozers, loudspeakers-I"d swear he"s even been blasting with dynamite back there," she said, rubbing her eyes.
I glanced down at Lucky, who had finished his treat and was looking back up at me, tail wagging like crazy. "So, I, um, can just leave him with you?"
"This is the pound, and he"s a stray, right?" Her penetrating blue-eyed stare was making me really nervous, like she she was grokking was grokking my my thoughts. thoughts.
"You want to know what our euthanasia policy is, don"t you?"
I nearly swallowed my Adam"s apple. I was going to have enough trouble explaining this scenario to Emma and the gang without having to confront the fact that Lucky might get put down.
"The only thing we do to animals here is vaccinate, spay, or neuter. We hope they get adopted-because any dog will have a happier life with a loving forever home all its own-but we don"t kill kill here." here."
"You ship them off someplace for that?" I said, tears welling. Forget "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one"-what kind of an alien monster was was I? I?
"Any animal that comes here gets food, shelter, and veterinary care for the course of its natural life."
I nearly leaped across the counter and kissed her. I suddenly realized who she reminded me of: my alien grandmother, Blaleen. Another great lover of animals, although Blaleen was more into elephants than dogs.
This woman had also just reminded me that you humans can be about the best, most compa.s.sionate beings that have ever inhabited this particular dimension.
Chapter 37.
OF COURSE, THE first thing Emma asked when I returned to the house was where Lucky was.
"Um," I said.
"Where is he? is he?" she repeated.
Now my family and the rest of the gang were giving me subzero stares too.
"Well," I said, materializing a piece of bacon on top of Emma"s left shoulder and telekinetically pushing open the kitchen door behind them.
Next thing we knew, Emma was pinned to the floor, giggling underneath a tail-wagging tornado of singed fur.
"Lucky! Stop!" she laughed as I mentally placed some bacon in her pockets. "You"re tickling me!"
In the end, of course, I hadn"t been able to go through with it. I mean, I"m sure Lucky would have had a good enough life there at the SPCA, but I also knew what my grandmother would have thought of it, to say nothing of my friends and family.
"So I learned some interesting things today," I said.
"For starters, Dana, I need you to check out current and historical satellite maps of the area. There"s a farmstead belonging to a Jarrod B. Wiggers a couple clicks east of where we were last night. I want you to scan recent images of the property to see what"s changed there over the past few weeks.
"Emma and w.i.l.l.y, I need you to check Mr. Gout"s handiwork here at the house and a.s.sess any weak points. We need the defenses to be tighter than a Tinkertoy in case any aliens decide to pay us a visit. Oh, and speaking of Mr. Gout, I sent him home."
"So you just let him go back to being a sc.u.mbag landlord?" asked Dana.
"Well, I did give him one slight slight adjustment-I implanted a firm rule in his head that from this day forward he must be kind to his tenants and never charge them a penny more than what"s fair. adjustment-I implanted a firm rule in his head that from this day forward he must be kind to his tenants and never charge them a penny more than what"s fair.
"Mom, Dad, and Brenda," I continued, "please walk the neighborhood with Lucky and keep an eye out for anything strange, okay? I don"t think Number 5"s going to try anything just yet, but we know he"s capable of surprises.
"And Joe, I need you to come with me to the van. We"ve got some theoretical physics equations to work through."
"Does it involve Avogadro"s theory of spontaneous taco creation?" he asked hopefully.
"I think there are some Cool Ranch Doritos left in the back," I said.
"That"ll do," he said.
Chapter 38.
I SET JOE to work while I quickly dialed 411 for a McGillicutty residence on Mulberry Avenue. I didn"t have the nerve to call just yet, but I was half thinking about asking Judy on a date... after I"d figured out a little more precisely what kind of trouble Number 5 had been cooking up in Holliswood and environs.
What Joe and I were doing is a little complicated to explain in much detail, but I"ll give you the basic idea: You know how light travels really, really fast?
Well, in outer s.p.a.ce, where stars and planets are so far apart that the distance between them is measured by how far light travels in a year, you start to see that light isn"t quite the greased lightning it"s cracked up to be. In fact, being unable to travel faster than light through s.p.a.ce would be kind of like cruising the interstate in a mule-driven cart.
Fortunately, alien technology has figured out some ways-which I won"t attempt to explain right here-to surpa.s.s the speed of light.
That"s not to say light"s slowness doesn"t have its uses. Like, for instance, when you want to see into the past see into the past.
Think about it. If light takes one hundred years to travel from Earth to Planet X-which is one hundred light-years away-then if somebody on Planet X has a really, really really good telescope and wants to see what"s happening on Earth right now, like you reading this book, for instance, then he"ll have to wait one hundred years for the light that makes that image come to him. good telescope and wants to see what"s happening on Earth right now, like you reading this book, for instance, then he"ll have to wait one hundred years for the light that makes that image come to him.
And, if he were looking through his telescope right now, what he"d see instead of you reading this book is a picture of whatever was happening here one hundred years ago one hundred years ago.
That"s the core principle behind how my people-Protectors of the Universe that we once were-have been able to create a bunch of very good remote-control "telescopes" out in s.p.a.ce. Some are ten minutes away, and some are ten million years away. By uplinking to them through the minivan"s console, Joe and I were figuring out how to pull up a video feed of whatever had been happening on Earth from moments ago to millions of years ago-kind of like real-life TiVo.
My big idea was to get some clues about Number 5"s plans by going back to when Number 5 and his henchbeasts first arrived in Holliswood.