I looked over at her, some six feet away, all neatly taped into place.
She"s fine, my brother said. I didn"t want to begin without you.
It may seem a very strange thing for my first coherent question, but I asked him, How did you know I would want to? Which perhaps made it sound as though I truly did want to-and of course I didn"t really want to explore Deborah. Certainly not. And yet-here was my big brother, wanting to play, surely a rare enough opportunity. More than our ties of mutual parent, far more, was the fact that he was like me. You couldn"t really know, I said, sounding far more uncertain than I would have thought possible.
I didn"t know, he said. But I thought there was a very good chance. The same thing happened to both of us. His smile broadened and he lifted a forefinger into the air. The Traumatic Event-you know that term? Have you done any reading on monsters like us?
Yes, I said. And Harry-my foster father-but he would never say exactly what had happened.
Brian waved a hand around at the interior of the little box. This happened, little brother. The chain saw, the flying body parts, the ...blood - With that same fearful emphasis again. Two and a half days of sitting in the stuff. A wonder we survived at all, isn"t it? Almost enough to make you believe in G.o.d. His eyes glittered and, for some reason or other, Deborah squirmed and made a m.u.f.fled noise. He ignored her. They thought you were young enough to recover. I was just a bit over the age limit. But we both suffered a cla.s.sic Traumatic Event. All the literature agrees. It made me what I am-and I had a thought that it might do the same for you.
It did, I said, exactly the same.
Isn"t that nice, he said. Family ties.
I looked at him. My brother. That alien word. If I had said it aloud I am sure I would have stuttered. It was utterly impossible to believe-and even more absurd to deny it. He looked like me. We liked the same things. He even had my wretched taste in jokes.
I just- I shook my head.
Yes, he said. It takes a minute to get used to the idea that there are two of us, doesn"t it?
Perhaps slightly longer, I said. I don"t know if I- Oh, dear, are we being squeamish? After what happened? Two and a half days of sitting here, bubba. Two little boys, sitting for two and a half days inblood , he said, and I felt sick, dizzy, heart floundering, head hammering.
No, I gagged, and I felt his hand on my shoulder.
It doesn"t matter, he said. What matters is what happens now.
What-happens, I said.
Yes. What happens. Now. He made a small, strange, snuffling, gurgling noise that was surely intended to sound like laughter, but perhaps he had not learned to fake it as well as I had. I think I should say something like: My whole life has been leading up to this! He repeated the snuffling sound. Of course, neither one of us could manage that with real feeling. After all, we can"t actually feel anything, can we? We"ve both spent our lives playing a part. Moving through this world reciting lines and pretending we belong in a world made for human beings, and never really human ourselves. And always, forever, reaching for a way tofeel something! Reaching, little brother, for a moment just like this! Real, genuine, unfaked feeling! It takes your breath away, doesn"t it?
And it did. My head was whirling and I did not dare to close my eyes again for fear of what might be waiting there for me. And, far worse, my brother was right beside me, watching me, demanding that I be myself, be just like him. And to be myself, to be his brother, to be who I was, I had to, had to-what? My eyes turned, all by themselves, toward Deborah.
Yes, he said, and all the cold happy fury of the Dark Pa.s.senger was in his voice now. I knew you"d figure it out. This time we do it together, he said.
I shook my head, but not very convincingly. I can"t, I said.
You have to, he said, and we were both right. The feather touch on my shoulder again, almost matching the push from Harry that he could never understand and yet seemed every bit as powerful as my brother"s hand, as it lifted me to my feet and pushed me forward; one step, two-Deborah"s unblinking eyes were locked onto mine, but with that other presence behind me I couldn"t tell her that I was certainly not going to- Together, he said. One more time. Out with the old. In with the new. Onward, upward, inward-! Another half step-Deborah"s eyes were yelling at me, but- He was beside me now, standing with me, and something gleamed in his hand, two somethings. One for all, both for one- Did you ever readThe Three Musketeers ? He flipped one knife into the air; it arced up and into his left hand and he held it out toward me. The weak dim light grew on the flat of the blades he held up and burned into me, matched only by the gleam in Brian"s eyes. Come on, Dexter. Little brother. Take the knife. His teeth shone like the knives. Showtime.
Deborah in her tightly wrapped tape made a thrashing sound. I looked up at her. There was frantic impatience in her eyes, and a growing madness, too. Come on, Dexter! Was I really thinking of doing this to her? Cut her loose and let"s go home. Okay, Dexter? Dexter? h.e.l.lo, Dexter? It is you, isn"t it?
And I didn"t know.
Dexter, Brian said. Of course I don"t mean to influence your decision. But ever since I learned I had a brother just like me, this is all I could think about. And you feel the same, I can see it in your face.
Yes, I said, still not taking my eyes off Deb"s very anxious face, but does it have to be her?
Why not her? What is she to you?
What indeed. My eyes were locked onto Deborah"s. She was not actually my sister, not really, not a real relation of any kind, not at all. Of course I was very fond of her, but- But what? Why did I hesitate? Of course the thing was impossible. I knew it was unthinkable, even as I thought it. Not just because it was Deb, although it was, of course. But such a strange thought came into my poor dismal battered head and I could not bat it away:What would Harry say?
And so I stood uncertain, because no matter how much I wanted to begin I knew what Harry would say. He had already said it. It was unchangeable Harry truth:Chop up the bad guys, Dexter. Don"t chop up your sister . But Harry had never foreseen anything like this-how could he? He had never imagined when he wrote the Code of Harry that I would be faced with a choice like this; to side with Deborah-not my real sister-or to join my authentic 100 percent real live brother in a game that I so very much wanted to play. And Harry could not have conceived that when he set me on my path. Harry had never known that I had a brother who would- But wait a moment. Hold the phone, please. Harry did know-Harry had been there when it happened, hadn"t he? And he had kept it to himself, never told me I had a brother. All those lonely empty years when I thought I was the only me there was-and he knew I was not, knew and had not told me. The most important single fact about me-I was not alone-and he had kept it from me. What did I really owe Harry now, after this fantastic betrayal?
And more to the immediate point, what did I owe this squirming lump of animal flesh quivering beneath me, this creature masquerading as my sibling? What could I possibly owe her in comparison to my bond with Brian, my own flesh, my brother, a living replication of my selfsame precious DNA?
A drop of sweat rolled across Deborah"s forehead and into her eye. She blinked at it frantically, making ugly squinting faces in an effort to keep watching me and clear the sweat out of her eye at the same time. She really looked somewhat pathetic, helplessly taped and struggling like a dumb animal; a dumb, human animal. Not at all like me, like my brother; not at all clever clean no-mess bloodless razor-sharp Moondancer snicker-snee Dexter and his very own brother.
Well? he said, and I heard impatience, judgment, the beginning of disappointment.
I closed my eyes. The room dove around me, got darker, and I could not move. There was Mommy watching me, unblinking. I opened my eyes. My brother stood so close behind me I could feel his breath on my neck. My sister looked up at me, her eyes as wide and unblinking as Mommy"s. And the look she gave me held me, as Mommy"s had held me. I closed my eyes; Mommy. I opened my eyes; Deborah.
I took the knife.
There was a small noise and a rush of warm wind came into the cool air of the box. I spun around.
LaGuerta stood in the doorway, a nasty little automatic pistol in her hand.
I knew you"d try this, she said. I should shoot you both. Maybe all three, she said, glancing at Deborah, then back at me. Hah, she said, looking at the blade in my hand. Sergeant Doakes should see this. He was right about you. And she pointed the gun toward me, just for half a second.
It was long enough. Brian moved fast, faster than I would have thought possible. Still, LaGuerta got off one shot and Brian stumbled slightly as he slid the blade into LaGuerta"s midsection. For a moment they stood like that, and then both of them were on the floor, unmoving.
A small pool of blood began to spread across the floor, the mingled blood of them both, Brian and LaGuerta. It was not deep, it did not spread far, but I shrank away from it, the horrible stuff, with something very near to panic. I only took two backward steps and then I b.u.mped into something that made m.u.f.fled sounds to match my own panic.
Deborah. I ripped the duct tape off her mouth.
Jesus Christ that hurt, she said. For G.o.d"s sake let me out of this s.h.i.t and quit acting like a f.u.c.king lunatic.
I looked down at Deborah. The tape had left a ring of blood around the outside of her lips, awful red blood that drove me back behind my eyes and into the yesterday box with Mommy. And she lay there-just like Mommy. Just like last time with the cool air of the box lifting the hair on my neck and the dark shadows chattering around us. Just exactly like last time in the way she lay there all taped and staring and waiting like some kind of- G.o.dd.a.m.n it, she said. Come on, Dex. Snap out of it.
And yet this time I had a knife, and she was still helpless, and I could change everything now, I could- Dexter? said Mommy.
I mean, Deborah. Of course that"s what I meant. Not Mommy at all who had left us here in this same place just like this, left us in this place where it began and now might finally finish, with a burning absolutely must-do-it already on its large dark horse and galloping along under the wonderful moon and the one thousand intimate voices whispering,Do it-do it now-do it and everything can change-the way it should be-back with- Mommy? someone said.
Dexter, come on, said Mommy. I mean Deborah. But the knife was moving. Dexter, for Christ"s sake, cut the s.h.i.t! It"s me! Debbie!
I shook my head and of course it was Deborah, but I could not stop the knife. I know, Deb. I"m really very sorry. The knife crept higher. I could only watch it, couldn"t stop it now for anything. One small spiderweb touch of Harry still whipped at me, demanding that I pay attention and get squared away, but it was so small and weak, and the need was big, strong, stronger than it had ever been before, because this was everything, the beginning and the end, and it lifted me up and out of myself and sent me washing away down the tunnel between the boy in the blood and the last chance to make it right. This would change everything, would pay back Mommy, would show her what she had done. Because Mommy should have saved us, and this time had to be different. Even Deb had to see that.
Put the knife down, Dexter. Her voice was a little calmer now, but those other voices were so much louder that I could barely hear her. I tried to put the knife down, really I did, but I only managed to lower it a few inches.
I"m sorry, Deb, I just can"t, I said, fighting to speak at all with the rising howl around me of the storm that had built for twenty-five years-and now with my brother and me brought together like thunderheads on a dark and moony night- Dexter! said wicked Mommy, who wanted to leave us here alone in the awful cold blood, and the voice of my brother inside hissed out with mine, b.i.t.c.h! and the knife went all the way back up- A noise came from the floor. LaGuerta? I couldn"t tell, and it didn"t matter. I had to finish, had to do this, had to let this happen now.
Dexter, Debbie said. I"m your sister. You don"t want to do this to me. What would Daddy say? And that hurt, I"ll admit it, but- Put down the knife, Dexter.
Another sound behind me, and a small gurgle. The knife in my hand went up.
Dexter, look out! Deborah said and I turned.
Detective LaGuerta was on one knee, gasping, straining to raise her suddenly very heavy weapon. Up came the barrel, slowly, slowly-pointed at my foot, my knee- But did it matter? Because this was going to happen now no matter what and even though I could see LaGuerta"s finger tighten on the trigger the knife in my hand did not even slow down.
She"s going to shoot you, Dex! Deb called, sounding somewhat frantic now. And the gun was pointed at my navel, LaGuerta"s face was s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g itself into a frown of tremendous concentration and effort and she really was going to shoot me. I half turned toward LaGuerta but my knife was still fighting its way down toward- Dexter! said Mommy/Deborah on the table, but the Dark Pa.s.senger called louder and moved forward, grabbing my hand and guiding the knife down- Dex-!
You"re a good kid, Dex, whispered Harry from behind in his feather-hard ghost voice, just enough to twitch the knife so very little up again.
I can"t help it, I whispered back, so very much growing into the handle of the quivering blade.
Choose what ... or WHO ... you kill, he said with the hard and endless blue of his eyes now watching me from Deborah"s same eyes, watching now loud enough to push the knife a full half inch away. There are plenty of people who deserve it, said Harry so softly above the rising angry yammer of the stampede inside.
The tip of the knife winked and froze in place. The Dark Pa.s.senger could not send it down. Harry could not pull it away. And there we were.
Behind me I heard a rasping sound, a heavy thump, and then a moan so very full of emptiness that it crawled across my shoulders like a silk scarf on spider legs. I turned.
LaGuerta lay with her gun hand stretched out, pinned to the floor by Brian"s knife, her lower lip trapped between her teeth and her eyes alive with pain. Brian crouched beside her, watching the fear scamper across her face. He was breathing hard through a dark smile.
Shall we clean up, brother? he said.
I ... can"t, I said.
My brother lurched to his feet and stood in front of me, weaving slightly from side to side. Can"t? he said. I don"t think I know that word. He pried the knife from my fingers and I could not stop him and I could not help him.
His eyes were on Deborah now, but his voice whipped across me and blasted at the phantom Harry fingers on my shoulder. Must, little brother. Absolutelymust . No other way. He gasped and bent double for a moment, slowly straightening, slowly raising the knife. Do I have to remind you of the importance of family?
No, I said, with both my families, living and dead, crowded around me clamoring for me to do and not do. And with one last whisper from the Harry-blue eyes of my memory, my head began to shake all by itself and I said it again, No, and this time I meant it, No. I can"t. Not Deborah.
My brother looked at me. Too bad, he said. I"m so disappointed.
And the knife came down.
EPILOGUE
I KNOW IT IS A NEARLY HUMAN WEAKNESS, AND ITmay be no more than ordinary sentimentality, but I have always loved funerals. For one thing they are so clean, so neat, so completely given over to careful ceremonies. And this was really a very good one. It had rows of blue-uniformed policemen and -women, looking solemn and neat and-well, ceremonial. There was the ritual salute with the guns, the careful folding of the flag, all the tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs-a proper and wonderful show for the deceased. She had been, after all, one of our own, a woman who had served with the few, the proud. Or is that the marines? No matter, she had been a Miami cop, and Miami cops know how to throw a funeral for one of their own. They have had so much practice.
Oh, Deborah, I sighed, very softly, and of course I knew she couldn"t hear me, but it really did seem like the right thing to do, and I wanted to do this right.
I almost wished I could summon up a tear or two to wipe away. She and I had been very close. And it had been a messy and unpleasant death, no way for a cop to go, hacked to death by a homicidal maniac. Rescue had come too late; it was all over long before anyone could get to her. And yet, by her example of selfless courage, she had helped to show how a cop should live and die. I"m quoting, of course, but that"s the gist of it. Really very good stuff, quite moving if one has anything inside that can be moved. Which I don"t, but I know it when I hear it and this was the real thing. And very much caught up in the silent bravery of the officers in their clean blues and the weeping of the civilians, I could not help myself. I sighed heavily. Oh, Deborah, I sighed, a little louder this time, almost feeling it. Dear, dear Deborah.
Quiet, you moron! she whispered, and poked me hard with her elbow. She looked lovely in her new outfit-a sergeant at last, the least they could do for her after all her hard work identifying and nearly catching the Tamiami Slasher. With the APB out on him, no doubt they would find my poor brother sooner or later-if he didn"t find them first, of course. Since I had just been reminded so forcefully that family is important, I did hope he could stay free. And Deborah would come around, now that she had accepted her promotion. She really wanted to forgive me, and she was already more than half convinced of the Wisdom of Harry. We were family, too, and that had shown in the end, hadn"t it? It was not such a great leap to accept me as I was after all, was it? Things being what they are. What they have, in fact, always been.
I sighed again. Quit it! she hissed, and nodded at the far end of the line of stiff Miami cops. I glanced where she indicated; Sergeant Doakes glared at me. He had not taken his eyes off me, not once the whole time, even when he had dropped his handful of earth on Detective LaGuerta"s coffin. He was so very sure that things were not what they seemed. I knew with a total certainty that he would come for me now, track me like the hound he was, snort at my footsteps and sniff my back trail and hunt me down, bring me to bay for what I had done and what I would quite naturally do again.
I squeezed my sister"s hand and with my other hand I fingered the cool hard edge of the gla.s.s slide in my pocket, one small drop of dried blood that would not go into the grave with LaGuerta but live forever on my shelf. It gave me comfort, and I did not mind Sergeant Doakes, or whatever he thought or did. How could I mind? He could no more control who he was and what he did than anyone else could. He would come for me. Truly, what else could he do?
What can any of us do? Helpless as we all are, in the grip of our own little voices, what indeed can we do?
I really wished I could shed a tear. It was all so beautiful. As beautiful as the next full moon would be, when I would call on Sergeant Doakes. And things would go on as they were, as they had always been, beneath that lovely bright moon.
The wonderful, fat, musical red moon.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
JEFFLINDSAYlives in South Florida with his wife and three daughters. He is currently finishing a second novel featuring Dexter.