When she pauses to observe or listen, her long legs move in un.o.btrusive rhythm; she cannot remain motionless. But her hands are calm; she holds schematic printouts in an acute still tension; and she taps in emphasis when she speaks, with purposeful fingers long and slender and translucent.
She seems to tower a head above us, yet is no more tall than the tall among us. Her garb is utilitariana"the white shirt and black pants starkly simplea"yet on her they acquire elegance. Her habitual gesture is to brush a hand through her hair, hair which is always in disarray, yet pleasingly so, separating into dark curling tendrils over the collar of her shirt. And those emerald eyes. Always those extraordinary eyes.
Her authority is now unquestioneda"which is not to say that her decisions have gone unchallenged. We listened carefully to the protests which came to each of usa"and p.r.o.nounced unsympathetic judgment.
Mothera"the ultimate source of appeala"of course was her usual ungracious self: "Phosh. Do as Megan commands or I will be seriously annoyed."
Fabriennea"a descendant of mine I must admita"had the temerity to complain to Mother, "This is a dictatorship!"
*"Of course it is, my dear," Mother answered cheerfully. "Who has time for democracy? We"ll get into all that business on Maternas."
But Mother has had daily meetings with Megan, private meetings in Mother"s quarters. And often after these meetings Megan"s decisions have been changed or modified. And so Megan learns flexibility . .. But with each pa.s.sing day she grows in competence and authority; fewer and fewer of her decisions are challenged; the meetings with Mother become less and less frequent.
So it has become known throughout our Unity that Megan has full support from Mother. And that she has won loyalty and staunch support from Mother"s Inner Circle. It has become apparent to us all who observe her daily that she possesses an integrative faculty of stunning dimension, seeing the whole and its parts with equal acuity whatever the complexity of the whole. Many are born with great gifts for an hour which never comes..But she is perfectly designed to lead us, and we support her with our hearts as well as our intellect.. . Increasingly, with our hearts .". .
Venus somehow manages to find moments from her work to disturb Megan. And she does disturb her. .. If noticeable to very few, the signs are unmistakable. Brief breaks in her concentration when Venus is nearby. A sudden stillness in her body when Venus comes into the room; the subtle heightening of the ivory coloring.
It is easy to forget how very young Megan is; her appearance is so imposing, her presence so electric, her decisions made with such quiet a.s.surance , . . But I see her s.e.xual awareness of Venus, and her confusion ... As does Venus. As does Mother.
Several days ago Mother and I came into the command room to consult Megan. She stood with eyes fixed on her drafting board, face flushed. Venus leaned casually toward her, a finger tracing slow circles in deliberate teasing distraction over the design Megan was revising.
"a"anti-grav unit in my quarters," Venus was saying. "Let me show you. Sensation beyond imagining. You^"
"Venus," Mother said curtly, "get lost."
Startled, Venus looked at Mother, brow prettily knit.
Also annoyed with her, I explained with satisfaction, "Get lost is a twentieth century phrase. Closely related to the word scram."
As Venus continued to look bewildered, Mother said, "We.have business with Megan, Venus dear. Go talk to your plants."
As Venus strolled gracefully away, Mother asked Megan in a voice that contained a gentleness I had heard as a child, "Is Venus a problem to you, dear one?"
*"No, Mother," Megan answered immediately. "No, she is not."
"I can help-"
"Do not. There is no problem."
Mother nodded, I had never heard anyone address Mother in a tone so closely resembling a command, nor her accede so willingly. Megan had inherited Hera"s pride, I thoughta" with a most considerable addition of her own. But I had seen her involuntary glance as Venus had left; and I looked at her in concern, knowing too well how vulnerable she was.
I have read or heard somewhere a definition of s.e.xual appeal in a woman: it is merely the reflection of that woman"s own s.e.xual interest.
The two major and equal interests in Venus"s life have always been her work, and the exploration of the sensations possible to her body. She has a s.e.xual confidence I have never remotely possessed, not even during the years when my body was at peak attractiveness. The s.e.xual shimmer that surrounds Venus has not diminished with the years. She seems the most youthful of us, and her effect on women remains, to this day, mesmerizing. Her body is fully fleshed, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s exquisitely shaped; and her movements are languorous, sensual. I have seen women stare at her lips, which possess not only perfection of shape but a slightly swollen, ripe aspect. Many times I have seen Venus"s azure eyes meet the eyes of another woman with a candid eroticism that intensifies until the hot blue seems the very edge of o.r.g.a.s.m.
It has been years since Venus abandoned men. "Boring. Too easy," she had told me with an expressive shrug. "Women are challenging. And physically much more interesting."
Megan had forbidden Mother to help hera"but not me.
But I said to Venus without much hope, "I think you should leave Megan alone."
"Don"t be disagreeable, Minerva." Venus was brushing her silver hair. "And silly," she added.
She lay on her chaise in a filmy one-piece trouser suit of palest blue. I sighed; such firm b.r.e.a.s.t.s surely had to be a matter of sheer will power. "She"s too busy," I argued. "She doesn"t have time to daily with you."
"Of course she does. There"s always time. If necessary it can take a very short time. Short but frequent can be oh so very sweet." She looked off away from me, smiling.
"She"s young."
A shrug. "So? I"ve had younger."
"She could be hurt. And that would certainly distract her from her work."
*"Love never destroyed anyone," This was a maxim of Venus"s, repeated frequently. "And I love her. I do love her, Minerva."
I had heard this from Venus so many times over the years that I made the appropriate rude snorting noise.
Venus took my hands. "Dear sister, why this interest? it would be good for her. She hasn"t anyone, all she does is work work work."
I fired my last salvo. "Venus, Mother doesn"t approve."
"Mother has never approved. She thinks," she said with a delicate shudder, "that I should be like Demeter, settled down all these years."
I said tartly, thinking of the ioveiy years with my own beloved Serena, "If you"ve never trieda""
"Have any of you ever lived as I do? But perhaps this is the time for me, Minerva. I believe, I truly do, that I will "be with Megan forever. But why worry about her? I"ll be good for her. She never sleeps, never relaxes.
She needs distraction, just let me get my hands on her. Inside that white shirt of hers. And after that, most of all . . ." Venus smiled. "Those black pants. Ah, those black pants ... she won"t relax for a certain most exquisite time, but afterward she"ll be very relaxed. And sleeping a very sweet sleep."
"You"re incorrigible," I muttered, and left without further protest. I myself could not see that Venus would be particularly harmful to Megan; my only concern was that Megan seemed disturbed by her.. .
VI.
Personal Journal of Megan 2199.5.25 Exhausted, I"m exhausted ... Yet sleep is not what I need, no more than would a computer. . . And I am adjunct to our computers, synthesizer of their data ... judgment maker...Continuously I a.n.a.lyze, fit each piece into the whole, yet I maintain mental fluidity as the data acc.u.mulates and constantly changes. I walk on a wire suspended over a precipice, confident and fearful both. But amid the fearful tension of negotiating the peril is an exultation I have never known .. .We are three months ahead of schedule. An incredible achievement by us all. Tomorrow we leave, those of us who have worked out of our desert compound, for Skylab and the final weeks of preparation before we board Amelia Earhart. Four thousand and forty-five have chosen to go at latest count, and cutoff date looms but five weeks from now when we finalize all designs and weight tolerances. We have emphasized that afterward under no circ.u.mstances will anyone be allowed to change her mind and join us; reconstruction of Amelia and all preparations will be complete.
Two thousand and eleven state that they have made their irrevocable decision to remain. They are here *with us, most of them working on plans to occupy this compound and create beauty in this desolation where they will be undetected and safe.
This time of exhilaration, of eagerness for the adventure that lies ahead, is greatly tempered by the grief of partings. No one of our Unity is untouched, immune from the wrenching emotion of this time, least of all me.
Even the Inner Circle has been shocked by not one but two defections: in these past few days Olympia and Isis have suddenly chosen to stay. Mother exhibits a placid demeanor to.us all, but she spends considerable time secluded in her quartersa"as do I now, having learned only today my own grievous news. My mother has chosen to stay, and my two sisters. On this greatest adventure of my life I will be cut off from those I most iove, especially Tara, the sister dearest to me . . .
One hundred and ninety-seven remain presently undecided. Some are ciaustrophobics who wrestle with the knowledge they must live in the honeycomb which will be our home for three long months.
Agorophobics fear the knowledge that they will drift through an unimaginable void. Sedation is possible of course, but it is Vesta"s decision whether these women should accompany us, whether they can successfully adapt after planetfalf. Other cases are also difficulta"women who struggle with powerful emotional ties that bind them here. Still othersa"the most tragica"are women who love each other, but one wishes to go, the other to stay. These women Vesta also counsels.
I am recipient of admiration for my responsibilities, but never could I perform Vesta"s work. Never could I carry such burdens. She has taken the anguish of these women into her. And if I am exhausted, she is wrung dry.
Last week I found her in her chamber, head bowed to her console. Her limbs trembled and twitched as she slept, whether from tension draining from her or from tormenting dreams I knew not. But I decided then that I must recall Carina from Skylab. However important her duties there, they could be no more urgent than to be nearby and give comfort to this most precious and deeply valued woman as she performs her vita! work.
I saw them together the day Carina arrived. I had come into the chamber at the late end of the evening to obtain projected figures. Vesta stood with her head on Carina"s shoulder, shaking with sobs. Carina, tail and powerfully built, held Vesta, stroking her hair, murmuring to her, her voice musical, soothing. I stared, compelled by her tenderness. Then Carina picked up tiny Vesta as if she were constructed of feathers and carried her to a chaise, and knelt beside her and opened Vesta"s robe. She took a breast into her hand as if she were holding a frightened bird. I left then, soundlessly, sealing the chamber.
If only I could retain control and command when Venus is near.
Her desire for me is palpable, I can almost sense the pulsing of her blood. And she draws me to her. While I have controlled everything else in my life, I cannot prevent my response to her. Around her my balance slides off its axis and threatens to topple . . . The balance I manage with such effort...
I fear what I cannot fathom, the depth in me I do not understand.
*I must look the fool to her. She thinksa"surelya"that I have the experience of most young women my age.
No one knows, not even Tara... no one can guess my innocence. And Venus is puzzled that I will not acknowledge what is so clearly between us. It would be difficult to acknowledge even if I were free to do so; I do not know how. Never have I felt so awkward, so inadequate. Even Mother has noticed, has offered to help ... as if I were a seven-year old ... I will not permit her interference.
I have managed to have others about, to not be alone with her. But this night she found me in the data room.
I would not look at her; I knew her eyes would weaken me again; her lips, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s would stir me again.
"Megan."
Her voice vibrated within me, my body was eiectric with her presence. She came close to me without touching me. She seems to sense that she should not risk her touch.
"Megan, do you think I"m attractive?"
Not looking at her, I answered with a quick nod.
"Do you find me. . .old?"
I looked at her then, amazed. Among our Unity like ages are the most often together, I suppose because of simultaneous awakening or common sensibilities; but wide disparity frequently exists. These relationships between the generations have always moved me with their beautya"the enjoyment and appreciation of each woman for the other, the tenderness and nurturing such as I had seen between Vesta and Carina.
Youth seems to me no advantage; it is merely ... a gift. And it seems that age would also be a gift, of another, richer, kind.
"You are nota"" I said the word with distaste for the way she had used it, "a"old." Then I realized what it must have cost to ask such a question and I said, "I cannot imagine you more beautiful than you are."
She smiled then, a radiant, entrancing smile that forced me to again look away. "You find me beautiful?"
Feeling as if I had been cut adrift in an unfamiliar sea in which there was no mooring anywhere, I whispered, "Yes."
"I offer it to you. I can make you very happy. I can give you pleasures you have not experienced in your young life."
"I..." I lost my voice. ". . . cannot," I finally managed.
"Megan-"
*I continued, because her voice was further weakening me, "It"s . . . best if I remain as I . . . am. You make it difficult ... as it is. All my concentration is required ... for what I do."
Her voice was soft. "I disturb your concentration?"
I would not look at her. I nodded.
"You"re so very shy." Her voice was amused. And pleased.
I muttered, "You must think me .. . ridiculous."
"No. Only very strong. And most. . . desirable. Think about that, Megan. Because I"ll be here. Always, for you."
She left me then. Drawing deep breaths, I watched her walk from me, the silken blue garment she wore flowing over the curves of her body, and I thought of how very easy it had been so many months ago to make my solemn vow to Mother.
VII.
2199.9.21.
We have accomplished the greatest clandestine movement of people and materiel in history. In seven months we have come to this day.
It is difficult to say what has been the more intricate, the movement of the people or the materiel. As we learned when Megan did not return to Houston after the meeting of our Unity, our disappearance has had to be judicious. She is celebrated enough a personage and her talent so significant a loss to the government of the Americas that her sudden disappearance caused an investigation, international accusations, and comment on Worldscape newscasts. And so the notable others of us have vanished one by one, only as our talents became indispensible to our goal.
Many purposefully remained in society up to the last, to perform vital responsibilities. The conversion of our property and other a.s.sets into credits for purchase of supplies was critical to our success and had to be carried out inconspicuously. Even more inconspicuous and cautious were our actual purchases. The synthesizers were the major problem. These machines, which will extract our new planet"s ore in usable form, are perhaps the most essential components we must have for successful settlement, and cannot be bought without notice and comment. But we managed. We obtained one from a warring faction In Brazil; they were in dire need of credits and asked no questions. Then, instead of attempting to locate the additional one needed, we simply bought from the international underground at a vast expenditure of credits the parts sufficient to construct a synthesizer and effect any vital repairs until both synthesizers can *be placed into full and self-replenishing operation.
Another object has been boughta"an object of great secrecya"which I learned of by mere chance. One night a week ago I could not sleep, and went out to Skylab"s observation deck. I watched the silent and trustworthy Carina, under cover of darkness, a.s.sist Megan and Hera in swinging a magnetic hoist, An oblong object was placed into a chamber which Carina then sealed with permaweid.
I realized that knowledge of this had been kept from me and the others deliberately, and when the three, along with Mother, ,came onto the observation deck, I drifted into the shadows and listened with both resentment and curiosity.
Mother said to Megan, "Dear, will everyone be in restraint during the nuclear fusion that propels us into hyper-s.p.a.ce?"
"Yes, Mother. We"ve made the monitor a.s.signments, and the monitors will then bea""
Mother waved a hand. "You know how I dislike details. How long will ft take for the leap into hypers.p.a.ce?"
Hera replied, "At the instant of fusion, a millisecond."
"So how much margin for error do we have?"
"Less than a millisecond."
"Great Geezerak, will you speak a language I can understand? If I were on Verna playing kottlebash and this were a throw of the dice, what would the odds be?"
"This is a throw of the dice, Mother," Hera said darkly, "which I fervently hope will not be necessary. The computer will be programmed to nanoseconds. Our little surprise package will be released on the same computer sequence that performs the time sequence. At least ninety percent or better. But it"s never been done beforea"and the risk is immense. For what we risk."
"Phosh " Mother said. "It is not, for what we could lose, and for what we gain. But we can always abandon the idea. Megan dear, you"ve had months to deliberate. Do you still agree?"
"I agree with Hera in hoping it will not be necessary," Megan said quietly. "But if the circ.u.mstances warrant, we go with it."
They left then. I knew better than to inquire; if I had not been told before, I would not be told now. And so I kept my own counsel, and remained watchful.
Only today was the oblong object moved again, loaded onto Amelia and into another sealed chamber. I observed; and recognized the insignia on its leaded impervisteef wrapping. It has come from Algeria, that notorious renegade member of the Arab bloc.
*VIII.