"The last time that I saw her like her own old self, was the night when you came home, my dear. The day you went away, she said to me, "I never shall see my pretty darling again. Something tells me so, that tells the truth, I know."
"She tried to hold up after that; and many a time, when they told her she was thoughtless and light-hearted, made believe to be so; but it was all a bygone then. She never told her husband what she had told me--she was afraid of saying it to anybody else--till one night, a little more than a week before it happened, when she said to him: "My dear, I think I am dying."
""It"s off my mind now, Peggotty," she told me, when I laid her in her bed that night. "He will believe it more and more, poor fellow, every day for a few days to come; and then it will be past. I am very tired.
If this is sleep, sit by me while I sleep: don"t leave me. G.o.d bless both my children! G.o.d protect and keep my fatherless boy!"
"I never left her afterwards," said Peggotty. "She often talked to them two downstairs--for she loved them; she couldn"t bear not to love anyone who was about her--but when they went away from her bed-side, she always turned to me, as if there was rest where Peggotty was, and never fell asleep in any other way.
"On the last night, in the evening, she kissed me, and said: "If my baby should die too, Peggotty, please let them lay him in my arms, and bury us together." (It was done; for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond her.) "Let my dearest boy go with us to our resting-place," she said, "and tell him that his mother, when she lay here, blessed him not once, but a thousand times.""
Another silence followed this, and another gentle beating on my hand.
"It was pretty far in the night," said Peggotty, "when she asked me for some drink; and when she had taken it, gave me such a patient smile, the dear!--so beautiful!
"Daybreak had come, and the sun was rising, when she said to me, how kind and considerate Mr. Copperfield had always been to her, and how he had borne with her, and told her, when she doubted herself, that a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom, and that he was a happy man in hers. "Peggotty, my dear," she said then, "put me nearer to you," for she was very weak. "Lay your good arm underneath my neck," she said, "and turn me to you, for your face is going far off, and I want it to be near." I put it as she asked; and oh Davy! the time had come when my first parting words to you were true--when she was glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old Peggotty"s arm--and she died like a child that had gone to sleep!"
Thus ended Peggotty"s narration. From the moment of my knowing of the death of my mother, the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished from me. I remembered her, from that instant, only as the young mother of my earliest impressions, who had been used to wind her bright curls round and round her finger, and to dance with me at twilight in the parlour. What Peggotty had told me now, was so far from bringing me back to the later period, that it rooted the earlier image in my mind. It may be curious, but it is true. In her death she winged her way back to her calm untroubled youth, and cancelled all the rest.
The mother who lay in the grave, was the mother of my infancy; the little creature in her arms, was myself, as I had once been, hushed for ever on her bosom.
CHAPTER 10. I BECOME NEGLECTED, AND AM PROVIDED FOR
The first act of business Miss Murdstone performed when the day of the solemnity was over, and light was freely admitted into the house, was to give Peggotty a month"s warning. Much as Peggotty would have disliked such a service, I believe she would have retained it, for my sake, in preference to the best upon earth. She told me we must part, and told me why; and we condoled with one another, in all sincerity.
As to me or my future, not a word was said, or a step taken. Happy they would have been, I dare say, if they could have dismissed me at a month"s warning too. I mustered courage once, to ask Miss Murdstone when I was going back to school; and she answered dryly, she believed I was not going back at all. I was told nothing more. I was very anxious to know what was going to be done with me, and so was Peggotty; but neither she nor I could pick up any information on the subject.
There was one change in my condition, which, while it relieved me of a great deal of present uneasiness, might have made me, if I had been capable of considering it closely, yet more uncomfortable about the future. It was this. The constraint that had been put upon me, was quite abandoned. I was so far from being required to keep my dull post in the parlour, that on several occasions, when I took my seat there, Miss Murdstone frowned to me to go away. I was so far from being warned off from Peggotty"s society, that, provided I was not in Mr. Murdstone"s, I was never sought out or inquired for. At first I was in daily dread of his taking my education in hand again, or of Miss Murdstone"s devoting herself to it; but I soon began to think that such fears were groundless, and that all I had to antic.i.p.ate was neglect.
I do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then. I was still giddy with the shock of my mother"s death, and in a kind of stunned state as to all tributary things. I can recollect, indeed, to have speculated, at odd times, on the possibility of my not being taught any more, or cared for any more; and growing up to be a shabby, moody man, lounging an idle life away, about the village; as well as on the feasibility of my getting rid of this picture by going away somewhere, like the hero in a story, to seek my fortune: but these were transient visions, daydreams I sat looking at sometimes, as if they were faintly painted or written on the wall of my room, and which, as they melted away, left the wall blank again.
"Peggotty," I said in a thoughtful whisper, one evening, when I was warming my hands at the kitchen fire, "Mr. Murdstone likes me less than he used to. He never liked me much, Peggotty; but he would rather not even see me now, if he can help it."
"Perhaps it"s his sorrow," said Peggotty, stroking my hair.
"I am sure, Peggotty, I am sorry too. If I believed it was his sorrow, I should not think of it at all. But it"s not that; oh, no, it"s not that."
"How do you know it"s not that?" said Peggotty, after a silence.
"Oh, his sorrow is another and quite a different thing. He is sorry at this moment, sitting by the fireside with Miss Murdstone; but if I was to go in, Peggotty, he would be something besides."
"What would he be?" said Peggotty.
"Angry," I answered, with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown.
"If he was only sorry, he wouldn"t look at me as he does. I am only sorry, and it makes me feel kinder."
Peggotty said nothing for a little while; and I warmed my hands, as silent as she.
"Davy," she said at length.
"Yes, Peggotty?" "I have tried, my dear, all ways I could think of--all the ways there are, and all the ways there ain"t, in short--to get a suitable service here, in Blunderstone; but there"s no such a thing, my love."
"And what do you mean to do, Peggotty," says I, wistfully. "Do you mean to go and seek your fortune?"
"I expect I shall be forced to go to Yarmouth," replied Peggotty, "and live there."
"You might have gone farther off," I said, brightening a little, "and been as bad as lost. I shall see you sometimes, my dear old Peggotty, there. You won"t be quite at the other end of the world, will you?"
"Contrary ways, please G.o.d!" cried Peggotty, with great animation. "As long as you are here, my pet, I shall come over every week of my life to see you. One day, every week of my life!"
I felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise: but even this was not all, for Peggotty went on to say:
"I"m a-going, Davy, you see, to my brother"s, first, for another fortnight"s visit--just till I have had time to look about me, and get to be something like myself again. Now, I have been thinking that perhaps, as they don"t want you here at present, you might be let to go along with me."
If anything, short of being in a different relation to every one about me, Peggotty excepted, could have given me a sense of pleasure at that time, it would have been this project of all others. The idea of being again surrounded by those honest faces, shining welcome on me; of renewing the peacefulness of the sweet Sunday morning, when the bells were ringing, the stones dropping in the water, and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist; of roaming up and down with little Em"ly, telling her my troubles, and finding charms against them in the sh.e.l.ls and pebbles on the beach; made a calm in my heart. It was ruffled next moment, to be sure, by a doubt of Miss Murdstone"s giving her consent; but even that was set at rest soon, for she came out to take an evening grope in the store-closet while we were yet in conversation, and Peggotty, with a boldness that amazed me, broached the topic on the spot.
"The boy will be idle there," said Miss Murdstone, looking into a pickle-jar, "and idleness is the root of all evil. But, to be sure, he would be idle here--or anywhere, in my opinion."
Peggotty had an angry answer ready, I could see; but she swallowed it for my sake, and remained silent.
"Humph!" said Miss Murdstone, still keeping her eye on the pickles; "it is of more importance than anything else--it is of paramount importance--that my brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable. I suppose I had better say yes."
I thanked her, without making any demonstration of joy, lest it should induce her to withdraw her a.s.sent. Nor could I help thinking this a prudent course, since she looked at me out of the pickle-jar, with as great an access of sourness as if her black eyes had absorbed its contents. However, the permission was given, and was never retracted; for when the month was out, Peggotty and I were ready to depart.
Mr. Barkis came into the house for Peggotty"s boxes. I had never known him to pa.s.s the garden-gate before, but on this occasion he came into the house. And he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and went out, which I thought had meaning in it, if meaning could ever be said to find its way into Mr. Barkis"s visage.
Peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home so many years, and where the two strong attachments of her life--for my mother and myself--had been formed. She had been walking in the churchyard, too, very early; and she got into the cart, and sat in it with her handkerchief at her eyes.
So long as she remained in this condition, Mr. Barkis gave no sign of life whatever. He sat in his usual place and att.i.tude like a great stuffed figure. But when she began to look about her, and to speak to me, he nodded his head and grinned several times. I have not the least notion at whom, or what he meant by it.
"It"s a beautiful day, Mr. Barkis!" I said, as an act of politeness.
"It ain"t bad," said Mr. Barkis, who generally qualified his speech, and rarely committed himself.
"Peggotty is quite comfortable now, Mr. Barkis," I remarked, for his satisfaction.
"Is she, though?" said Mr. Barkis.
After reflecting about it, with a sagacious air, Mr. Barkis eyed her, and said:
"ARE you pretty comfortable?"
Peggotty laughed, and answered in the affirmative.
"But really and truly, you know. Are you?" growled Mr. Barkis, sliding nearer to her on the seat, and nudging her with his elbow. "Are you?