"Okay," conceded Jake, "But tell him to stay away from the piano."
Robert Sheckley.
Many years ago I wrote a story called "Zirn Left Unguarded, the Jenz-hik Palace in Flames, Jon Westerly Dead." Don Wollheim called me. He was interested in acquiring rights to the story. He wanted to hire someone to expand it into a novel. We discussed the possibility of me writing it. I remember Don"s voice over the phone-an incisive New York voice. Trouble was, I was tied up with other a.s.signments at that time, and didn"t want to commit myself too far ahead. We decided to talk about it again further down the line-maybe in a year. I guess we both forgot about the project-until now, when you asked me for an anecdote about Don. This is the best one I can remember-maybe the only one. I still regret never having written that novel for Don.
I was born in New York in 1928. Raised in New Jersey, I settled in New York again after my tour of duty in the Army. I"ve done a lot of traveling over the years, and a lot of writing. I"m still going strong, and hope to continue indefinitely.
-RS.
AGAMEMNON"S RUN.
Robert Sheckley.
AGAMEMNON was desperate. Aegisthus and his men had trapped him in Clytemnestra"s bedroom. He could hear them stamping through the hallways. He had climbed out a window and made his way down the wall clinging by his fingernails to the tiny chiseled marks the stonecutters had left in the stone. Once in the street, he thought he"d be all right, steal a horse, get the h.e.l.l out of Mycenae. It was late afternoon when he made his descent from the bedroom window. The sun was low in the west, and the narrow streets were half in shadow.
He thought he had got away free and clear. But no: Aegisthus had posted a man in the street, and he called out as soon as Agamemnon was on the pavement.
"He"s here! Agamemnon"s here! Bring help!"
The man was a beefy Spartan, clad in armor and helmet, with a sword and shield. Agamemnon had no armor, nothing but his sword and knife. But he was ready to tackle the man anyhow, because his rage was up, and although Homer hadn"t mentioned it, Agamemnon was a fighter to beware of when his rage was up.
The soldier must have thought so. He retreated, darting into a doorway, still crying the alarm. Agamemnon decided to get out of there.
A little disoriented, he looked up and down the street. Mycenae was his own city, but he"d been away in Troy for ten years. If he turned to his left, would the street take him to the Lion Gate? And would Aegisthus have guards there?Just that morning he had ridden into the city in triumph. It was hateful, how quickly things could fall apart.
He had entered Mycenae with Ca.s.sandra beside him in the chariot. Her hands were bound for form"s sake, since she was technically a captive. But they had been bedmates for some weeks, ever since he had bought her from Ajax after they sacked Troy. Agamemnon thought she liked him, even though Greek soldiers had killed her parents and family. But that had been while their blood rage was still high; their rage at so many of their companions killed, and for the ten long wasted years camped outside Troy"s walls, until Odysseus and his big wooden horse had done the trick. Then they"d opened the city gates from the inside and given the place over to rage, rape, and ruin.
None of them were very proud of what they"d done. But Agamemnon thought Ca.s.sandra understood it hadn"t been personal. It wasn"t that he was expecting forgiveness from her. But he thought she understood that the important ones-Agamemnon himself, Achilles, Hector, Odysseus-were not bound by the rules of common men.
They were special people, and it was easy to forget that he was not the original Agamemnon, not the first. The lottery had put them into this position, the d.a.m.nable lottery which the aliens had set over them, with its crazed purpose of replaying events of the ancient world, only this time with the possibility of changing the outcomes.
He was Chris Johnson, but he had been Agamemnon for so long that he had nearly forgotten his life before the lottery chose him for this role.
And then there had been all the trouble of getting to Troy, the unfortunate matter of Iphigenia, the ten years waiting in front of the city, the quarrel with Achilles, and finally, Odysseus" wooden horse and the capture and destruction of Troy and nearly all its inhabitants, and then the long journey home over the wine-dark sea; his return to Mycenae, and now this.
And before that? He remembered a dusty, small town not far from the Mexican border. Amos" water tower had been the tallest building on the prairie for 200 miles in any direction. Ma"s Pancake House had been the only restaurant. When he made his lucky draw in the lottery, he remembered thinking it would be worth life itself just to get out of here, just to live a little.
It had never been easy to get out of Mycenae. The city"s heart was a maze of narrow streets and alleys. The district he was in, close to the palace, had an Oriental look-tiny shops on twisting streets. Many of the shopkeepers wore turbans. Agamemnon had never researched the life of the ancient Greeks, but he supposed this was accurate. The creators of the lottery did what they did for a reason.
The street Agamemnon was on came out on a broad boulevard lined with marble statues. Among them, Agamemnon recognized Perseus and Achilles, Athena and Artemis. The statues had been painted in bright colors. He wa.s.surprised to see a statue to himself. It didn"t look much like him, but it had his name on it. In English letters, not Greek. It was a concession the lottery had made to modern times: everyone in this Greece spoke English. He wondered if the statue represented the first Agamemnon. He knew that the lottery was always repeating the cla.s.sical roles. Had there ever been a first Agamemnon?
With myths and legends, you could never be quite sure.
He saw that a procession was coming down the boulevard. There were musicians playing clarinet and trumpet. Timpani players. Even a piano, on a little cart, drawn by a donkey.
That was obviously not legitimate. But he reminded himself that the lottery was staging this, and they could make it any way they wanted it. He didn"t even know where their Greece was. Behind the musicians there were dancing girls, in scanty tunics, with wreaths around their heads and flowers in their hair. They looked drunk. He realized that these must be maenads, the crazed followers of Dionysus, and behind them came Dionysus himself. As he came closer, Agamemnon recognized him. It was Ed Carter from Centerville, Illinois. They had met in one of the lottery staging rooms, where they had gone for their first a.s.signments.
"Dionysus!" Agamemnon called out.
"h.e.l.lo, Agamemnon, long time no see. You"re looking good." Dionysus was obviously drunk. There were wine stains on his mouth and his tunic. He didn"t seem able to pause in his dancing march, so Agamemnon walked along beside him.
"Going to join me?" Dionysus asked. "We"re having a feast later, and then we"re going to tear apart King Pentheus."
"Is that strictly necessary?"
Dionysus nodded. "I was given specific orders. Pentheus gets it. Unless he can figure something out. But I doubt this one"s up to it."
Agamemnon asked, a bit formally, "How is it going with you, Dionysus?"
Dionysus said, "Pretty well, Agamemnon. I"m getting into this. Though it was no fun being killed last week. A real b.u.mmer."
"I didn"t hear about that."
"I didn"t antic.i.p.ate it myself," Dionysus said. "But they jump you around in time, you know, to make sure you cover all the salient points of your character"s life. No sooner had I been married to Ariadne-did you ever meet her? Lovely girl. Abandoned by Theseus on the isle of Naxos, you know-and then I came along and married her. A bit sudden on both our parts, but what a time we had!
Naxos is a lovely place-I recommend it for a holiday-anyhow, immediately after that, I found myself newborn in the Dictean cave. I think it was the Dictean. And these guys, these t.i.tans with white faces were coming at me, obviously intending murder. I put up a h.e.l.l of a struggle. I changed into a bird, a fish, a tree. I could have pulled it off, but the contest was rigged against me. I had to die in order to be reborn. They seized me at last and tore me apart, as my maenads will do for Pentheus. But Apollo gathered my bits, and Zeus took meinto himself, and in due course I was reborn. And here I am, leading my procession of crazy ladies down the main street of Mycenae. Not bad for a kid from Centerville, Illinois, huh? And what about you, Agamemnon?"
"I"ve got some trouble," Agamemnon said. "Remember my wife, Clytemnestra? Well, she"s sore as h.e.l.l at me because she thinks I sacrificed our daughter Iphigenia."
"Why did you do that?"
"To call up a wind so the fleet could get to Troy. But I didn"t really do it! I made it look like a sacrifice, but then I arranged for Artemis to carry Iphigenia away to Aulis, where she has a nice job as high priestess."
"Everyone thinks you had your daughter killed," Dionysus said.
"They"re wrong! There"s that version of the story that says I didn"t. That"s the one I"m going with. But that b.i.t.c.h Clytemnestra and her sleazy boyfriend Aegisthus won"t buy it. They"ve got guards out all over the city with orders to kill me on sight."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I need a way out of this! Can you help me? Isn"t there some way I can get out of this whole mess?"
"Maybe there is," Dionysus said. "But you"d have to ask Tiresias for specifics."
"Tiresias? He"s dead, isn"t he?"
"What does that matter? He was the supreme magician of the ancient world.
He"d be glad to talk to you. He likes talking to live ones."
"But how do I get to the underworld?"
"You must kill someone, then intercept the Charon-function when it comes to carry off the shade, and accompany them across the Styx."
"I don"t want to kill anyone. I"ve had enough of that."
"Then find someone on the point of death and it"ll still work."
"But who?"
"What about Ca.s.sandra?"
"No, not Ca.s.sandra."
"She"s doomed anyway."
"We think we"ve figured an out for her. Anyhow, I won"t kill her."
"Suit yourself. Actually, anybody will do."
"I"m not going to just grab some person off the street and kill him!"
"Agamemnon, it"s really not a time to be finicky. . . . What about a plague victim? One not quite dead, but on the way?"
"Where would I find a plague victim?"
"Follow a plague doctor."
"How will I know Charon when he comes? His appearance is always invisible to any but the dead."
Dionysus frowned for a moment, then his brow cleared. He reached inside his tunic and took out a purple stone on a chain."They gave me this in Egypt. It"s an Egyptian psychopomp stone. Some kind of amethyst, I believe. Take it. There"s a doctor over there! Good luck, Agamemnon! I really must go now."
And with a wave of his hand, Dionysus danced off after his maenads.
Agamemnon saw the person Dionysus had been referring to: a tall, middle-aged man in a long black cloak, carrying an ivory cane, and wearing a conical felt cap on which was the symbol of Asclepius.
Agamemnon hurried over to him. "Are you a doctor?"
"I am. Strepsiades of Cos. But I can"t stop and chat with you. I am on my way to a call."
"To a plague victim?"
"Yes, as it happens. A terminal case, I fear. The family waited too long to send for me. Still, I"ll do what I can."
"I want to go with you!"
"Are you a doctor? Or a relative?"
"Neither. I am-a reporter!" Agamemnon said in a burst of inspiration.
"How can that be? You have no newspapers here in Mycenae. I"ve heard that Argive Press managed to run for a while, but the price of copper went through the ceiling, and Egypt stopped exporting papyrus . . ."
"It"s a new venture!"
The doctor made no comment when Agamemnon fell into step beside him.
Agammemnon could tell the man wasn"t pleased. But there was nothing he could do about it. He might even have been furious; but Agamemnon wore a sword, and the doctor appeared to be unarmed.
After several blocks, Agamemnon saw they were going into one of the slum areas of the city. Great, he thought. What am I getting myself into?
They went down a narrow alley, to a small hut at the end of it. Strepsiades pushed open the door and they entered. Within, visible by the gray light from a narrow overhead window and a single flickering oil lamp on the floor, a man lay on a tattered blanket on the ground. He appeared to be very old, and very wasted. Strepsiades knelt to examine him, then shook his head and stood up again.
"How long does he have?" Agamemnon asked.
"Not long, poor fellow. He"s approaching the final crisis. You can tell by the skin color. Sometimes these cases linger on for a few hours more, half a day, even a day. But no longer."
"Let me look at him," Agamemnon said and knelt down beside the sick man.
The man"s skin was bluish gray. His lips were parched and cracked. Thin lines of blood oozed from his nostrils and the corners of his eyes. The turgid blood was the only sign of life in the man.
Agamemnon was acutely aware that he had little time in which to make hisescape from Mycenae. But the man was still alive. How long did he have to wait until he died? A minute? An hour? How long before Aegisthus" soldiers found him? He had to get it over with. He tried to make up his mind whether to smother or strangle the man.
He started to reach toward the man"s throat. The man opened his eyes. With the man suddenly staring at him with bloodshot blue eyes, Agamemnon hesitated- "King Agamemnon!" the sick man whispered. "Can it be you? I am Pyliades.
I was a hoplite in the first rank of the Argolis Phalanx. I served under you in the Trojan War. What are you doing here, sir?"
Agamemnon heard himself say, "I heard of your plight, Pyliades, and came to wish you well."
"Very good of you, sire. But then, you always were a good man and a benevolent commander. I"m surprised you remember me. I was only a common soldier. My parents had to sell the farm in order to purchase my panoply, so I could march with the others and avenge Greece for the unfair abduction of our Helen."
"I remembered you, Pyliades, and came to say farewell. Our war is won.
The might of Greece has prevailed. Of course, we had Achilles. But what good would Achilles have been if it weren"t for men in the ranks like you?"
"I remember Prince Achilles well, and the burial fires we lit for him when he was killed. I hope to see him again, in Hades. They say-"
The sick man"s meandering discourse was broken as the door to his room was suddenly slammed open. Two armed soldiers Pushed their way in. They hesitated, seeing the doctor in his long robe. Then they spotted Agamemnon.
The leading soldier, a burly red-bearded man, said, "Kill them all.
Aegisthus wants no witnesses. I"ll take care of Agamemnon myself."
The second soldier was the one who had spotted Agamemnon coming out of the palace window, and had run from him. He advanced now on the doctor, who raised his ivory cane to protect himself, saying, "There"s no need for this. I am a neutral, a physician from Cos, here only to treat the sick and injured. Let me go, I"ll never say a word about what"s going on here."
The soldier glanced at the red-bearded man, evidently his officer, who muttered, "No witnesses!" Then he turned back to Agamemnon.
Agamemnon saw the doctor suddenly lift his staff and bring it down on the soldier"s head. The rod broke. Growling, sword poised, the soldier advanced on the doctor.
Agamemnon could see no more, because the red-bearded man was coming at him. Agamemnon had his sword out, but without armor, he knew he stood little chance against an experienced hop-lite. He circled around the sick man on his blanket, and the red-bearded soldier pursued, cautiously but relentlessly.