She knew the rules. Never let on how much you care. If you care, you"re vulnerable.
The cat hissed again.
"What? I didn"t do anything."
"Never mind Malkyn. She can smell the trouble on you. She worries about me."
Malkyn. Of course. What the h.e.l.l else? "I smell the trouble on me, too. It"s a curse."
"Or a calling." Her right eyebrow rose. Excellent! There was one talent I hadn"t known she commanded.
"No. I just wish I could wash it off. I don"t want want to get into all these crazy things. I"d rather sit around the house drinking beer and-" to get into all these crazy things. I"d rather sit around the house drinking beer and-"
"You"re bulls.h.i.tting an old bulls.h.i.tter, boy. I know more about you than you think."
My cue to hoist a brow.
"That don"t slice no ice." She started moving around, fiddling, muttering. I realized she was naming names. "Hey! Wait a minute! What do they have to do with anything?"
"You wouldn"t have met one of those ladies if you"d stayed holed up. And you ain"t going to meet no more-"
"All right!" Truth is pain. Female remains my great weakness. A flashy smile and saucy wink can lure me away from safety.
Grinning evilly, Handsome cleared nonhuman skulls off a fern stand, started a.s.sembling her candidates for weirdest items in the shop. I started to say something but didn"t get past opening my mouth.
"Give me that stick, boy."
I surrendered my headknocker, then opened my flycatcher again.
She didn"t give me a chance to speak. "We don"t got no idea what you"re gonna run into, so what I"m gonna do is give you a range of generic defenses."
Oh, that sounded good. If it meant anything. "What are you doing to my stick?"
"Toughening it up, boy. When I get done with it, you"re going to be able to whack right through all the common protective spells. You see that red thing there?"
"Looks like a dried-out sow"s ear somebody dyed red?"
"The very thing. It looks like a sow"s ear on account of once upon a time somebody hacked it off the side of a pig"s head. I want you should take it and put it in your right front pocket. And keep it there until you settle up with the Rainmaker."
"Why?" She was getting ahead of me.
"On account of the Rainmaker is the kind who would get a laugh out of fixing you so"s you wouldn"t have no more reason to leave your house looking for women."
Ouch! I needed only about a quarter-second to mull things over. I accepted the sow"s ear, placed it as directed. "You"re the expert." Some fates are too horrible to contemplate.
"Remember it." She aligned four more objects, then regrouped them. One was a small wooden box given to fits of angry buzzing. Whatever was in there sounded huge for a bug.
Handsome noted my interest. "It"s more wicked than it sounds."
"I wanted to hear that."
"It"s not gonna bother you, son. Once I tell it you"re its friend."
"Oh, hey, by all means. I"m a bug-lover from way back. I probably met most of its family when I was in the islands. I got intimate with lots of bugs when I was down there."
"You always did have a tongue of nonsense, boy."
What the h.e.l.l did that mean?
She continued, "You don"t want to use the little devil, don"t bother. What they call a last resort. When you and your tongue have gotten you into something where there ain"t no weaseling out, just pop that lid open."
"Yeah?" Call me dubious. I stopped being a bug booster during my Marine days. "Then what? It bites a hunk out of me and I scare the bad guys away with my screams?"
"Maybe. Or maybe it just comes home and tells me you need help."
Somehow having a bug in a box didn"t sound that useful if I was in it deep, but Mom Garrett never raised her boys to backtalk the likes of Handsome. She always said we should keep our yaps shut when we were around somebody who could turn us into table sc.r.a.ps. There were times when Mom was pretty astute. "Uhm," I grunted.
Handsome gave me the fish-eye, then resumed her explanations. I did listen. And found my imagination captivated immediately.
Handsome offered me a doodad that looked like a wood chip stained red on one side and green on the other. She told me, "When you want you should turn invisible to that guy following you, you should rub your thumb three times across the red side here. He shouldn"t ought to turn suspicious because the spell he"s using isn"t all that reliable. You think it would be handy having him tag along, you rub your thumb three times on the green side."
"What? Why would I want him following me?"
"How would I know?" She shrugged. "Reckon that"s all I can do for you right now. Time you were getting along, anyway, boy. I"ve got paying customers backing up."
Where? But I only thought it.
The old cat looked at me like she was thinking about taking a bite out of my ankle before I got away. Or like she thought she would take a bite, if only she had some teeth.
Handsome patted me down, making sure I was carrying everything exactly where she wanted me carrying it.
I kept at it. "What can you tell me about-"
"Go on, boy. Out of here. Shoo. Scoot. How do you kids expect me to get any work done if you pester me all day long?"
Had she gone senile all of a sudden? Or was she trying to make me nostalgic?
I treasured my childhood memories but didn"t consider those times the good old days. The good old days never were. These are the good old days, right here, right now.
Won"t never get no better than this.
45.
I"d told Morley I would see Quefour while doubting there was any point. But brave soldier I, dedicated to my mission, I spent a half hour trying to trace that most useless of beings and learned that when last seen he had been floundering around with an inept h.o.m.os.e.xual murphy in the Tenderloin, which was a stupid game to play. The wise guys could help him take a swim with a hundred-pound rock strapped to his back.
The beauty of being your own supervisor is you set your own hours. If the spirit moves you, you can procrastinate till hunger boots you into action.
I headed for home thinking life couldn"t get any better.
Of course, it could have a Chast.i.ty Blaine perched on your front stoop when you came home, so d.a.m.ned radiant all your male neighbors had found some reason to come out and gawk.
She was alone. I broke into a trot, wove through the crowd, felt the deep disapproval radiating from such bastions as Mrs. Cardonlos"s rooming house. Chast.i.ty was the only woman in the neighborhood smiling when I puffed up. "Where"s Saucerhead?" I demanded.
"Saucerhead?" She really seemed puzzled.
"You know. Saucerhead Tharpe. Big goof with snaggle teeth. Your bodyguard. Able to outsmart small rocks if you give him an hour."
She smiled grimly, not in the mood. "I let him go."
"Why"d you do a fool thing like that?" What a sweet tongue.
"I don"t have to worry anymore. It seems the episode of the escaping patient who couldn"t have been in the first place because there"s no record of any admission tore it for me. The Knopfler Bledsoe Imperial Memorial Charity Hospital no longer welcomes my services."
"They canned you. I"m sorry."
"Don"t be. It was a learning experience."
"Uhm?" Philosophy straight from the Dead Man.
"I discovered that bitter old cynics like my father are right. No good deed goes unpunished."
"I like his thinking. So how come you"re here? Not that I"m complaining. I couldn"t have daydreamed a nicer surprise." I was hungry. I couldn"t correct that hanging around on the stoop. I went to work with my key.
"I guess because you"re the only one who knows what"s going on."
"Boy, don"t I wish." The door was bolted on the inside. I let out a shriek that got everybody within two blocks looking my way. I pounded away. n.o.body responded.
"Is anyone in there? I couldn"t get an answer."
"They"d better be dead. If they"re not, I"m going to kill them. They"re drinking up my beer and eating up my food and now they won"t let me into my own house. I"m going to skin them and make myself a suit out of their hides."
"What are you going on about?"
"How many escaped patients have they recovered?"
"Only a few. It"s not like they"re trying real hard."
"A couple of them turned up here and I let them stay." The G.o.dd.a.m.n Parrot was in there hollering so loud I could hear him through the door. I put on eternity"s most forced smile. "You said it. No good deed goes unpunished."
"They"re here now?"
"Somebody barred the door. If I have to break in, I"m going to carve somebody into rat snacks."
"Aren"t you overreacting a little?"
Yes. "No!"
I received a completely unexpected hug. "Guess I"m not the only one who"s had a bad day."
"Once we get in, let"s butcher one of the clowns and discuss our bad days while we eat him."
"Don"t be so gruesome. Who are they?"
"Ivy and Slither."
"Are you sure?"
"That"s the names they use. What they want to be called." I pounded on the door and howled some more. "Soon to be past tense." Across the street, Mrs. Cardonlos came to her window and gave me that look. I was going to get another protest from the citizen"s committee. How dare I raise h.e.l.l on my own front stoop?
I sent Mrs. Cardonlos a smile. "Wait till I get my next psychopathic killer, lady. I"ll tell him you"re desperate to meet a real man."
"You don"t have some secret way to get in?"
"You didn"t grow up in this neighborhood, did you? If I had a secret entrance, the villains would have used it to clean me out a long time ago."
"You don"t expect me to apologize for where I grew up?"
Careful, Garrett. "You didn"t pick your parents. Just ignore me. I get testy when I can"t get into my own house." I went to work on the door again.
The lady had begun to doubt the wisdom of being with me. I made a special effort to remain calm and reasonable when Ivy finally cracked the door an inch, keeping it on the chain while he checked me out.
"Ivy, it"s me. I"m home and I"d really like to visit my kitchen. Think you could speed it up?" I scanned the street quickly. Looked like everybody who"d shown any interest lately was out there watching. Even a guy with an eyepatch and an earring. I couldn"t see if he had a pegleg, but I knew where he could pick up a parrot cheap.
The door opened. There to greet me was Slither. "Doc Chaz. Garrett. Sorry. I was in the kitchen whipping something up. I thought Ivy was taking care here." Ivy was at the door to the small front room, looking inside with eyes that had glazed over. "Looks like he"s having one of his spells."
"I"m about to have one of mine."
"Bad day?"
"That catches the spirit of it." Slither wasn"t listening. He was headed for the kitchen.
Chast.i.ty asked, "These men escaped with you?"
"Not with me. But they were both in my ward."
"I know Rick Gram." She indicated Ivy. "The other one is a stranger."
"Slither claims he got in there the same way I did. And the same guy put him there."